THREE NEW ARTICLES!!! Seriously, when was the last time that happened? (And when will it happen again?! Who bloody knows?!)

Anyway, first up we have the latest installment of Mickey Glitter’s Sarah Jane Smith Fashionista Fever! (which is also crossposted on Strange Cousin Susan, the online home of our coruscating contributor)! While Mickey’s favorite time-traveling journalist — she can only be my second favorite; if you stood still, April O’Neil totally appeared on screen in all of the levels of Turtles in Time on the SNES — may have lost whatever fashionista flavor she’d acquired in previous appearances, at least we get to read Mickey’s amusing criticisms of such items as translucent pink macks and desperation-soaked Andy Pandy overalls. Perhaps Mickey would’ve been less harsh if Sarah Jane had donned a bright yellow jumpsuit and white boots instead? 😉

Next, an honest-to-goodness Foodstuffs article: a review of MolliCoolz Incredible Ice Cream Beads. I really don’t like these things, which actually made me kinda sad after I visited the MolliCoolz website and found it to be so infectiously delightful. Okay, it was mostly the exuberant (!) MolliCoolz spokeswoman who I found to be delightful… but still. Given my tendency to leave multiple tabs open, however, she did start to get on my nerves after a while! I mean, as much as I love your accent, darlin’, I don’t need you simultaneously giving me three different MolliCoolz pitches and/or nagging me about not clicking around while I’m scouring the interwebs in an attempt to find out if elephants have ever been documented eating meat. (I haven’t found anything yet to indicate that they have, though apparently hippos will consume animal flesh in rare circumstances.)

And lastly, there’s my review of Terminator Salvation. I’m pretty sure I would have disliked the movie even if I hadn’t seen and loved “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles”, but that a television show — and a canceled one at that 👿 — managed to be so superior to this film, what with its overpaid “A-list” actors and bigtime Hollywood screenwriters and whatnot just irks me. Christian Bale needs to flip out on himself for reading this movie’s script and still agreeing to do it. Money cannot buy back dignity, Bale-san.

Furthermore, regarding questions that this movie could have answered but didn’t, I’d also like to know why Skynet is so bloody incompetent. It had multiple opportunities to kill John Connor in this movie and yet failed to do so — I mean, Skynet could’ve just bombed the hell out of his base, and even Arnold 1.0 could have snapped his neck instead of throwing him around for 15 minutes while Marcus made his way through the entire complex to arrive on the scene IN THE NICK OF TIME. Whatever.

In fact, an analysis of the series’s history suggests that it was Skynet’s failed attempts on Connor’s life in the past that shaped him into a formidable opponent in the future. Consider: the Terminator that went after Sarah Connor in 1984 failed, thus motivating her to train her son to fight evil machines in the future. When John’s mom was locked up in a mental institution and he had disregarded all of her teachings as crazy talk, Skynet sent another Terminator after him… which had the effect of reuniting him with big heap warrior mama and confirming everything that she’d said before. GOOD JOB, SKYNET.

See, if I were Skynet, I’d send a hot girl Terminator back in time to hook up with John Connor — not to kill him, because that plan would probably fail somehow, but to make him lose interest in anything else and become a weak-willed slave to her sexy charms. I might even make her a good cook so that she’d make him fat, thus preventing him from being capable of running away from the skull-stomping robot army even if he did survive Judgment Day. Which he probably wouldn’t, because I’d make my sexy Terminator “claustrophobic” in order to ensure that the pair of them wouldn’t end up in a bomb shelter somewhere.

And this is why Skynet’s desire to kill all humans is stupid — it’s obviously not that clever, and there are misanthropes like me who would gladly come up with imaginative new plans to wipe out the humans who do pose a threat to the program’s global design. Except Skynet in TSCC actually does employ humans, which is reason number eleventy-billion that that show was way more interesting than Terminator Salvation… and even the other movies, for that matter. I will miss you, TSCC.

Anyway, look for another guest article next time! And speaking of guest spots, I’ve got one of the old ML Movie Hulk up on Articulated Discussion. w00t! Okay, bye-bye for now. 🙂