Hey, everyone -- hope your first set o' winter holidays went well and that you're gearing up for a fantastic New Year's Eve. In the event that, like me, you'll be sitting alone at your computer (or, like me, happen to be doing so at this very moment), here are three new Scary-Crayon articles to entertain you as 2005 comes to a close. Joy!

First, however, allow me to hop up on my soapbox. I'll admit that I'm hardly a big Christmas geek, but one of the things that I do enjoy about the holiday season is the television specials. Granted, I haven't watched much TV this season (or this year, really), but even flipping through the channels and hearing characters say the words "Christmas" and "holiday" and "cheer" and "presents" is kinda neat. I mean, it's almost like the characters are real and live in the same world I do, and I'm one step closer to existing within TVLand where everything is generally more interesting than whatever the hell is going on in my life at the moment, because when I'm watching TV the only thing happening with me involves my sitting in a chair and watching TV. Yep.

But one of the reasons I don't watch TV all that much is because most of the time it pisses me the fuck off. In addition to shit like "Oprah" and "Tyra", you've got asinine UPN sitcoms and people speaking gibberish on BET (yoyoyblingblingknowhaddamsayin), and at almost all times, unless I manage to assume control of the remote and switch over to Cartoon Network or SciFi, one of those things is playing in my residence. It's fucking irritating. Anyway, one day I happened to be in the kitchen while the "All of Us" Christmas episode was playing on UPN. Now, I wasn't familiar with the show, but I do hate UPN shows. Every "positive" episode or plot thread that I've seen in a UPN show manages to take a significant turn for the worse -- most notably an episode about the significance of Martin Luther King Jr.'s contribution to society that inexplicably ended with a chick pulling a pistol out of her sock and drawing a chalk outline on the floor to make it look like someone had gotten killed in her residence in order to prevent the sale of her house from going through. What? But given that it was a Christmas episode, I figured it couldn't be all that bad. Right? WRONG.

So from what I discerned from the episode and a little Internet research, I guess "All of Us" is about a divorced couple with a son who either still live together or still hang out an awful lot -- and in this holiday special, the family invited the ex-wife's ex-convict brother to stay with them for Christmas. Sounds sweet, right, not making assumptions and giving people a chance and all that jazz? Yeah, until he fucking steals all of the Christmas gifts. See, apparently the reason he went to jail was for robbing some other family around the holidays -- and in order to make amends, he robbed his own sister, broke into that other family's home, and left the gifts intended for his sister and her "family" underneath their tree. So the ex-wife and ex-husband track down the ex-con outside these other people's home and get angry, but when they see the other family's faces they're not even mad and everyone is all happy and shit. WHAT?

Okay, first of all, this dude wasn't retarded, nor was he four years old. He should've known the difference between right and wrong, especially after having gone to fucking jail for committing a similar crime. Secondly, WHAT THE FUCK? WHO WROTE THIS SHIT TO BEGIN WITH?!? "Hey, it's a black show, so I guess we have to find a way to work criminal activity into even the Christmas episode -- because you know how those people are! But we have to have a happy ending, so let's not even have anyone get angry because those people are animals and stealing comes naturally to them. Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!" UPN fucking sucks.

Anyway, on to the articles. Foremost, we've got another exclusive SC expose regarding Papa Christmas, entitled Santa Claus is HO HO HORRIBLE. Like, even worse than that "All of Us" episode described above. This article's even got some intellectual merit (like, even more so than other Scary-Crayon articles), with a summary of the philosophical problem of evil and links to pages with lots of equations and stuff. Goody!

Second, it's Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #69! I still haven't seen Peter Jackson's King Kong remake, but I did come across a gorilla I bought at the dollar store a while back and a bootleg Godzilla that I got in a lot of toys from eBay and figured I might as well do something with them. Simba happened to be nearby, too -- and who can tell lions apart? A couple of photographs, a few graphics filters for no special reason, and a few dialogue bubbles later, we had a new Hot Flash for y'all. Enjoy!

And last, but not least, we've got A Crayon Haiku #40. I actually was too afraid to click the link, but if you've seen it and happen to know what's on the other side, feel free to leave a comment or drop me an e-mail to let me know. As far as the content of the haiku itself goes, while I've never seen furry porn, I imagine that it would be far more interesting than regular porn. As every "normal" porn film I've glimpsed has been exceedingly boring and even kinda gross -- I've never been able to watch a feature-length porno in its entirety because I always say, "Fuck this!" and proceed to do something more exciting -- furry porn might be kinda neat, with the fuzzy costumes and the incredibly weird role-playing involved in the activity. So yeah, if you can find my address and have some furry porn lying around, feel free to send me that too.

Alrighty, that's all for now. Take care, and we'll see y'all in '06!

Scary-Crayon keeps the holiday pieces rolling in with The Five SCARIEST 39¢ Christmas Cards! There's also an honorable mention and, as is customary with these articles, the special Scary-Crayon card. Joy! Oh, and note that the elves here at SC don't have pointed ears (hell, they didn't even have ears in their first appearance). That's cause we like to fly in the face of convention, baby.

So in addition to the main attraction, we've also got A Crayon Haiku #39 (ANOTHER one? Joy!) and Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #68, the latter of which features none other than KING KONG! For those of you wondering how the result in that alternate ending came about, when I drew the piece I had been thinking that, due to Kong's massive size, penetration by the giant ape (you know, because Jackson's remake is apparently a love story) would result in all of Ann Darrow's internal organs being forced upward and out of her mouth -- which is why she isn't wearing a dress and why her legs are intact. (Viewers who are particularly attentive to detail might note the curled toes of the left foot.) Of course, Kong would likely be so large that Ann would be ripped apart upon being entered, to say nothing of what would happen to her during the actual rodeo show, but creative liberties can be taken. For those who don't want to imagine giant ape on girl beastiality, though, the image still works if we imagine that Kong accidentally crushed poor Annie. We just have to assume that she has very resilient legs.

All for now, then -- hopefully I'll be back with yet ANOTHER holiday piece before December 25th. If not, it'll be late, but I promise you SANTA before '05 is out! Seeya then.

So, the holiday season is upon us -- and despite Scary-Crayon's rather dark inclinations the whole year 'round, we do try to post a few festive pieces for the benefit of our readers. For example, today's article, The Donatello Christmas Tradition, touches on something we like to do during the holiday season. Now, it's not much, and I certainly don't post it in order to flout my charitable nature (hah!), but 'tis the season for sharing -- and that's basically the function of the piece. That is, to share something that's important to me with the lot of y'all. Don't you feel special?

Also, A Crayon Haiku #38 is up! Everybody say haaaaiiii-ku! Alrighty then.

And one final note -- despite having been posted roughly five months ago, discussion continues over my snarling invective against the Harry Potter series, so if the issue at all interests you, feel free to jump in! I've definitely got some things I'd like to contribute, but I do want to have more holiday content here for you before December 25th rolls around.

Happy holidays, minna-san. See you next time!

Oh snap, another haiku? ANOTHER HAIKU! A Crayon Haiku #37, to be precise. Let's delight in the greatness of haikus!

I heart teh haikus
worship their divine shadow
haikus are teh secks

This is what happens when you don't sleep, children. So, if you're wondering about how the subject of today's haiku tasted, the answer is... not bad. Like some of our previous Random Lunches, this is one of those weird instancess in which the ingredients refuse to combine to produce a unique taste -- so if you like whipped cream and stuffing individually, you'll like them together, because eating them together somehow manages to be tantamount to eating them individually. I don't understand how it works, but it does. Okay?

And then we've got Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #67, which (if I remember correctly) is the first time we've seen Shredder on the site since his drunken defeat in last year's Turtle Spew adventure. And in the last panel, we see Krang sporting the body he was about to acquire at the end of Dusty Plastic Hell #4! OMG! Does this mean that we'll see the official continuation of that adventure soon?!?!? Er... we'll see.

For those of you who don't get the comic, btw, the downed figure with Krang in the final panel is the Feudal Shredder figure, which came with the helmet and staff that the Armorized Shredder is currently sporting -- hence the "stealing from himself" joke. It really does look better on the Armorized Shredder, though, not to mention that I can't put it on Feudal Shredder without worrying that I'll pull his head off when I try to remove it.

Catch y'all next time.

You know, just about every time I post A Crayon Haiku episodes these days I write something along the lines of, "The classic Scary-Crayon featurette returns from its hiatus with A Crayon Haiku #Something!!!" Then I promise that there will be more Crayon Haikus. Then Hot Flashes totally take over the site and one or two months pass before I post another haiku. EXCEPT FOR LAST TIME -- because just three days after A Crayon Haiku #35 we have A Crayon Haiku #36 in this short Saturday update. Hurrah! And we'll see if I make good on it, but I'm once again going to promise more haikus in the near future. Maybe that doesn't mean much to y'all -- I mean they are kinda short updates, and even my occasional blog entries that don't accompany main page updates are more substantive, but seeing as how A Crayon Haiku was with us when the site launched I've kinda got a soft spot for the featurette.

A Crayon Haiku
the oldest site featurette
short, yes, but still fun

So, the ad that appears in today's haiku is an actual e-mail that I got (the highlighting of the text, of course, was my addition). 1520 minutes is equal to 25.33 hours is equal to 1.06 days, friends. Shit, no wonder I could never finish any of those paid surveys. Insane.

See y'all next time! More haikus to come! (We hope!)

The spam-based comics return to Scary-Crayon in Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #66! These ones are a little different, though -- instead of featuring a unique image, these feature unique commentary. Less visually interesting, sure, but not all spam sends me on a trip to freaky daydream land! So there you have it. And expect more spam comics (of both styles) in the future -- given that I'm currently receiving in the neighborhood of 200 spam e-mails a day, it's almost certain that I'll have virtually unlimited Hot Flash fodder for quite some time.

You know what? If you read today's book review in its entirety, GOOD FOR YOU. I honestly hadn't planned on it being so long, but that's what happens when I attempt to write an article at 4 AM while half-asleep! And apologies for the very general comments and analogies used in the course of the review. Naturally, I prefer to use actual quotes from the books to illustrate my points, but seeing as how I had to return this one to the library and didn't have it in my possession when I wrote it up I kinda had to improvise. Ah well -- chalk up any flaws in the review to my obvious attempt to reflect the particular problems of the book itself.

Speaking of long, what the hell is up with these menus on the Harry Potter DVDs? I'm sure there are people out there who love the animated menus and transitions after one makes selections, but I could do without waiting through a minute of film clips every time I want to return to the main menu! Glad I only paid $5.88 apiece for these things.

And we've also got another Crayon Haiku! Hurrah!

And we send you into the weekend with Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #65, another perverted little comic utilizing TMNT screencaps -- this time from the new show. By the way, is it me, or is April one of the most unprofessionally dressed lab assistants in the history of lab assistants?

I mean seriously. She's got the lab coat, but what's up with the exposed midriff? I'd always wondered how she'd gotten such an apparently good job in the new series (I mean, she's working with the Baxter Stockman!) while being so young and apparently having very few connections, given that she's forced to stay with Casey Jones and a bunch of mutant turtles when her home is burned, but I suppose the answer has been staring me in the face the whole time. Kinda reminds me of a poem I once wrote.

And in case you missed yesterday's updates, don't forget to check out The Experimental Oyster Loaf 2 and our Hot Flash tribute to Pat Morita! Regarding our winged, waxing friend, I've always thought that angels should have blue skin -- but maybe that shows the extent to which X-Men comics have influenced my thinking over the years.

Never one to be satisfied with our previous forays into the world of culinary intrigue, Scary-Crayon once again boldly attempts to discover the recipe of the fabled oyster loaf in The Experimental Oyster Loaf 2! Additionally, if you've forgotten about the first experiment, you can read about that here -- and, as noted at the conclusion of today's article, the experiments shall continue. SO STAY TUNED!

Also, today SC honors beloved actor Pat Morita with a special edition Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash. R.I.P. Miyagi-san -- you were pretty okay.