October 31, 2006

Sorry I don't have a more involved update, but here's a blog entry to wish y'all a happy Halloween. 🙂 It's about 6:30 PM as I begin writing this post, and the trick-or-treaters are out in full force! This is good, because I've got plenty of candy that I don't want to have to eat come tomorrow.

See, every year, I make it a point to buy the nastiest candy I can find to give to trick-or-treaters. Okay, that's not entirely true -- I don't try to give them nasty candy, but that's generally how it works out. This tradition began one year when the local KING OF DOLLAR STORES (from which I get all of my review fodder) was fairly new. The Halloween season was upon us, and the store started carrying some festive Oreo cookie knockoffs with orange icing. I like Oreos, I like orange things, and I like HALLOWEEN, so it seemed like a good buy. Hurrah! Then I tried to eat one and it tasted like a block of chalk in between two dust bunnies. On top of that, they had the density of cement.

Naturally, I couldn't bring myself to stomach the rest -- but luckily for me, the cookies were sealed two to a pouch -- perfect for giving to trick-or-treaters! And for some reason, giving those poor kids inedibly disgusting faux Oreos put a smile on my face and a song in my heart. What I would have given to see the looks on their faces as they bit into those tiny mausoleum-flavored bricks.


Ever since, I've set out to buy candy from the dollar store -- not really intending to give the kiddies confectionary nastiness, but secretly hoping that I will indeed end up with treats that are somewhat less than delectable. AND BOY DID I SUCCEED THIS YEAR! You'd think it'd be hard to go wrong with Marvel superhero-themed "candy sticks" and Pixy Stix knockoffs, but oh how wrong you would be. I don't even know what to call the Marvel offerings -- they're like hardened Pixy Stix cousins with a touch of peppermint flavor. And dust, because almost all dollar store candy has a dusty aftertaste. I don't understand it.

As for the actual Pixy Stix knockoffs -- NEON LASERS, as they are called -- they're even worse. See, unlike Pixy Stix and their convenient tear-off paper packaging, these things are encased inside plastic, such that if you want to get at the candy within you're going to have to break out a pair of scissors. Only it's not that easy, because if the sugary stuff inside ever contained the fluidity of Pixy Stix (how many times am I going to type that?), they certainly do not now. Instead, they've got the consistency of wet sand about fifteen minutes after the tide on a hot day, which means they're not sodden, but they're packed enough to stay put when you turn the straw upside down and shake for dear life. No, my chickadees, if you want this candy you're going to have to take those scissors and cut the entire straw open -- lengthwise. And then, after all of that work, you end up with a pile of pink crystals that tastes like dirt. Literally. There's no dusty aftertaste, but is there really that much difference between dust and dirt? It's a rhetorical question -- ponder it at your leisure.

I did toss in some Smarties and lollipops, though, along with some Cry Baby sour gumballs that are pretty good if you like sour things and gum. See, I'm not a total asshole.


Besides, I get as good as I give -- I saw these Nerds wannabe candies and couldn't resist getting them for myself. Predictably, they taste like Nerds! Nerds covered with dust.

See like a bug!

And finally, this isn't candy, but a pair of Goofy BUG EYEZ Wild & Wacky glasses -- the glasses that claim to make you see like a bug! Admittedly, I'd kind of hoped to add these to my regular wardrobe (in addition to using them in conjunction with one of my dad's old lab coats for a half-assed Baxter Stockman costume), but wearing them gives me a terrible headache for two reasons. One, I didn't take into account the specs on the card. These things are for ages 4+ -- and while I suppose I would fall into the plus category, they also boast a size of 6.5 x 7. Now, I'm not entirely sure what that means in terms of glasses, but I do know that it means these things squeezed the living fuck out of my skull when I put them on. Not a pleasant feeling, but now I know to stay on Zangief's good side if we ever meet in person. Plus, when I took them off, they were so tight that the seams on the bottom of the plastic temples slashed my ears. Van Gogh wasn't mad -- he just happened to acquire a pair of Bug Eyez glasses by way of some temporal displacement fluke.

The second reason has to do with the glasses' function -- to make you see like a bug. And now I know why bugs' flight appears to be aimless and haphazard and why they happen to rest on really bright lights that must be more blinding than a full-strength TAIYOKEN to them. You see, bugs can't see shit, and what shit they can see makes them super dizzy. So I guess they don't want to see anything.

And that's all for this Halloween post -- and for the candy giveaway, as I have successfully unloaded my inventory of nasty candy on the unsuspecting trick-or-treaters while saving handfuls of Smarties and lollipops for myself. Until next time, then! Goodnight out there... whatever you are. 😉

-posted by Wes | 9:15 pm | Comments (3)
October 25, 2006
Hang in there, Mary Jane!

Hang in there, Mary Jane!


In March '06, we reviewed The Amazing Spider-Man -- an all but impossible game to finish. But since then, we've learned of a trick that gives the player an easy way to win! Hold on, Mary Jane -- Spidey's a comin'!  (10/25/06)

-posted by Wes | 8:17 pm | Comments Off on Hang in there, Mary Jane!
The Spectacular Mary-Jane Rescue!!!

Some of you may remember our review of The Amazing Spider-Man way back in March. Given my less than satisfactory experience with the game, I hadn't really ever planned on playing it again -- but in browsing the site referral logs, I noticed that the article had been linked in this Wikipedia entry. Following the other links there eventually led me to the Spidey forum thread at abandonia.com, where I learned that there is a way of getting to the lower level of the final screen from the very beginning. So I fired up D-Fend and entered the game once more... thus setting the stage for today's return to The Amazing Spider-Man. You may never be able to beat this game legitimately, but at least you can see the ending! Not that you need to actually play it to be able to do so, since I've pretty much included the final screen in the review. Fear the hearts of doom.

Speaking of Wikipedia stuff, this revisit to the game prompted me to read up about Mysterio on the site... and holy hell this dude is fucked up. Greg of Pop Arena and I sort of have a longstanding argument concerning the comparative greatness of Venom and Mysterio -- and prior to reading this entry, I found it almost inconceivable that anyone would regard Mysterio as being anything more than a third-tier Spider-Man villain. That may still technically be the case, but I can't think of any villains that would include convincing the hero's love interest that she has HIV in their evil schemes. Then again, it's been a while since I've been a regular reader of comics -- things have gotten pretty crazy since then! Crazy stupid, that is.

All for now, then -- until next time, minna-san.

-posted by Wes | 6:59 pm | Comments (10)
October 22, 2006
The Absolute Strangest Christmas Story Ever Told (Part 5)

The Absolute Strangest Christmas Story Ever Told (Part 5)


Considering that Santa Claus has entered the text, the fifth part of The Absolute Strangest Christmas Story Ever Told at last has a definite connection to the titular holiday! Ponder the mysteries of Kris Kringle within.  (10/22/06)

-posted by Wes | 8:15 pm | Comments Off on The Absolute Strangest Christmas Story Ever Told (Part 5)
Absolute Holiday Strangeness Fiver

And here it is, just over a month after the last installment. Really, what's up with that? It's not like the entire thing hasn't already been written! Honestly, it completely slipped my mind -- make sure to bug me next time so that I post it sooner. Dig the second image on the page! Every site should have Little Dracula somewhere -- I really shouldn't have to scan ebay auctions to find images of him. 🙁

In other news, I've made some minor changes to the Links block on the content pages. I'm planning to make more significant ones when I get around to revising the content pages in more detail -- there won't be a ton of changes to these pages, mind you, because I like the general layout, but there will be new sections (games and fiction, so those will no longer be grouped in with the Misc. pieces). Anyway, regarding the links, I'll probably end up removing a handful, as there are some that are basically dead and others that -- as much as I like them -- simply don't need the traffic from Scary-Crayon (not that they get much from me, but still), so I'd rather use the space to plug some lesser-known sites. Frex, with the apparent death of Dyslexic Penguin (when did that happen?!), I've added a link to Crown Combo, which I found out about thanks to Spoodles at Robot Hand. Admittedly, I haven't had the time to browse CC in depth at this point, but it looks like it has a good deal of interesting stuff despite the presence of evil Google ads. If anything, it (and the other links) should keep you entertained in between SC updates.

I've also changed the graphic for our link to Snipe Hunt Media, which until now displayed the image for Professor Hazard's old site, Hazard Labs. Admittedly, I've fallen waaaaay out of touch with the HazLabs crew (:(), so I can't really say too much about what's going on over there, but feel free to swing by and check it out! Prof and his missus were two of the first people (maybe even the first; my memory is spotty) to donate to SC, so tell them I sent you with fondest wishes if you head over there. Yes.

All for now, then -- as always, thanks for reading! Coming soon: culinary insanity, an update to an old piece, and THE RETURN OF KRANG.

-posted by Wes | 2:07 pm | Comments (2)
October 17, 2006

Awesome scenes from Shadow: Dead Riot (!!!)


Scary-Crayon keeps the horror coming with this review of and spotlighted scenes from Shadow: Dead Riot. By the way, this article is totally not safe for work, as it contains pictures of breasts and fondling. Enjoy.  (10/17/06)

-posted by Wes | 5:08 pm | Comments Off on SHADOW: DEAD RIOT IS GREAT
Awesome scenes from Shadow: Dead Riot!

Aaaand here's another piece -- apologies for any typos you find (and do please point them out to me), as this is one of those sporadic late night articles that I like to do sometimes. I've noticed that my writing seems a tad more enthusiastic when I do that... sometimes there are more colorful metaphors in there too. Anyway, the subject of today's review and scene highlights is Shadow: Dead Riot, a women's prison drama slash martial arts action flick slash zombie horror comedy. One of the reviewers on IMDb described it as Braindead (aka Dead Alive) meets Riki-Oh, and having seen all three I'd have to say that's a fairly accurate comparison. You'll be able to formulate a better opinion of the movie and determine whether you're up for a viewing after reading the review, but I'd say go for it. Shadow is fantastic in that bad good Fangoria classic kinda way. 🙂

OH! I almost forgot -- over at Alligator Juice, Molly has posted The World's (Worst) News Network, a parody of bad local TV news programs and newspaper blurbs. All of the articles therein are fairly amusing, but make doubly sure you check out the sports newscast! 😉

EDIT: Just modified the link to the new article on the content pages to make sure y'all know that this spotlight on Shadow: Dead Riot is totally not work safe. You probably already got the memo if you've made it this far, but still. Don't lose your job over pictures of zombies groping breasts!

Andwhile I'm amending the post, let me encourage you to visit Interrobang Studios as well. They posted my fanart comic for them last week, which was pretty cool! So yes, do check out the Interrobangers' page. New comics every weekday! Mostly. 🙂

-posted by Wes | 4:40 am | Comments (4)
October 16, 2006
Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #89!


Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #89!

The title's kinda redundant, but who cares! Scary-Crayon brings you more psuedo Halloween-themed goodness with Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #89, which features more ghosts. DINOSAUR ghosts. RAWR.  (10/16/06)

-posted by Wes | 1:33 pm | Comments Off on Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #89!
Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #88!

''Creepy little girls with too much hair are not scary.''

Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #88!

Lots of things are scary, but creepy little girls with too much hair do not belong to that class. Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #88, then, is basically our way of saying WE DID NOT LIKE The Ring. But with goofy art!  (10/16/06)

-posted by Wes | 1:33 pm | Comments Off on Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #88!
A Hot Flash Double Whammy!

Hey all! Sorry about the lack of content during the past couple of weeks. I'm hoping to have some genuine articles for you within the next couple of days -- and maybe even another installment of The Absolute Strangest Christmas Story Ever Told -- but in the meantime here are TWO NEW COMICS: Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #88 and Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #89. I obviously came up with the former one after watching The Ring, which I thought was ridiculously stupid. And the latter... well, I'm not entirely sure, but part of it stemmed from me remembering a lecture from one of my anthro classes about how cannibal tribes that hand long since given up cannibalism still retained prejudices and superiority complexes based upon whom their ancestors had eaten. Like, "My ancestor ate your ancestor -- that makes me better than you!" And somehow this made me think of dinosaurs, and since I've been trying to work Halloweeny stuff into the mix I thought of dinosaur ghosts... and, well, here we are. Is this the first ever dinosaur ghost comic on the web? Somehow I doubt it, but one can only hope. We are, after all, the top Google hit for vampire chun-li. 😀

Oh, and speaking of Google -- in case you missed the last blog entry, note that the Google AdSense ads are freaking GONE from the page, making SC once again like independent and stuff. Well, I suppose we were always independent seeing as how the site never saw a dime from Google, but still. It would've been nice to have seen some compensation before they went, but ah well... I suppose if you sell your soul to the Devil but the contract is invalidated, you get spared from the flames of Hell on a technicality. No need to worry about melting crayons here. 🙂

Thanks for sticking with us, and stay tuned to the good SC!

-posted by Wes | 6:42 am | Comments (2)
October 6, 2006
Google AdSense is bullshit.

Okay, so I just got this e-mail:

From: Google AdSense
To: wes@scary-crayon.com
Cc: Google AdSense
Date: Oct 6, 2006 2:55 PM
Subject: Google AdSense Account Disabled

It has come to our attention that invalid clicks and/or impressions have been generated on the Google ads on your site(s). We have therefore disabled your Google AdSense account. Please understand that this was a necessary step to protect the interest of the AdWords advertisers.

A publisher's site may not have invalid clicks or impressions on any ad(s), including but not limited to clicks and/or impressions generated by:

- a publisher on his own web pages
- a publisher encouraging others to click on his ads
- automated clicking programs or any other deceptive software
- a publisher altering any portion of the ad code or changing the
layout, behavior, targeting, or delivery of ads for any reason

These or any other such activities that violate Google AdSense Terms and Conditions and program polices may have led us to disable your account.

Now, I'm not even going to bother to dispute this, seeing as how I'm almost certain that I changed the code to affect the text color of the ads (I can't remember; it's been so long) and I've probably said something along the lines of "click these ads to support the site!" at one time or another. In fact, even if I hadn't, that clicking the ads supports the site arguably goes without saying -- because why the hell else would I display shitty advertisements for things that mostly have nothing to do with the article content on the pages? (Way to go, target words.) Granted, every now and then they've been on-target -- Who North America advertises through Google, so I'm pretty sure I've clicked those links in the Dalek articles -- but alas! Doing so means that I've generated invalid clicks even though I was genuinely interested in the merchant. Argh.

Anyway, I was planning to get rid of the ads fairly soon -- I hate them, but one needs to generate $100 in order to receive any payment and the site was like $4 away from finally reaching that target number ONE YEAR LATER -- but I think it is very interesting that Google chose to disable the account now, seeing as how any "invalid activity" or whatever has been going on since I first signed up waaaay back when. Oh well. It's also telling that despite my account supposedly being disabled, the ads continued to display (as opposed to, say, some blank or error message coming up) until I nixed the code from the pages. When I get around to doing more layout tweaks, I'll maybe make a new donation image or put something else cool at the bottom of articles to fill up more space.

So Scary-Crayon is once again ad-free (except for our own ads, I guess), which I guess is how things should always have been given my obvious disdain for ads. Thanks for enduring those mostly irrelevant and useless ads for the past year -- I am deeply sorry for menacing you with that shit, especially given that it has ultimately not helped to support the site in the least. Such a fucking waste, but I'm almost glad that it turned out this way. Keep your terrorist dollars, Google.

I'm tempted to boycott Gmail, but I like it too gosh darned much. 😐

-posted by Wes | 4:17 pm | Comments (2)
October 5, 2006
Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #87!

The other day I was walking through the local mall (ugh) and I saw an ad for a new cell phone plan that gives users FREE ANYTIME MINUTES... but only to their five favorite people. Of course, my immediate thought was, "But what if you're not one of those people, but you know that the person has this plan?" I mean, insofar as you regarded this person as one of your five favorite people, wouldn't you be hurt or offended? It's different with the family plans, since they focus more on blood lineage, but I think the designation of "five favorite people" is fairly problematic! So I drew a Hot Flash about it. With GHOSTS, because I'm really going out of my way to make things festive for you. Hope you appreciate it. 😉

Speaking of "festive" things, my birthday was Wednesday. I feel old. 🙁

-posted by Wes | 11:23 pm | Comments (2)
Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #87!

''Ghosts With Cell Phones''

Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #87!

So now they've got these new cell phone plans that give you free anytime minutes to your five favorite people. In Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #87, we observe a scene involving just such a plan! With ghosts.  (10/5/06)

-posted by Wes | 1:32 pm | Comments Off on Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #87!
October 2, 2006

Frank Sudol's City of Rott


With Halloween being just around the corner, we figured it was about time for a zombie film review -- and how could we go wrong with a gore-filled, animated zombie movie? Um... enter Frank Sudol's City of Rott.  (10/2/06)

-posted by Wes | 5:04 pm | Comments Off on FRANK SUDOL’S CITY OF ROTT
ZOMBIE Film Review: City of Rott

Halloween is the time for ZOMBIE MOVIES, so today we're taking a look at Frank Sudol's City of Rott. I don't really have a whole lot to add that isn't in the review, but I was really disappointed with this one for all of the reasons mentioned therein. Utterly worthless movies like New York Minute and Flightplan may be infuriatingly painful to watch -- especially when they come out of Hollywood -- but bad, pointless films where talent was clearly involved add sadness and a longing for what might have been to the mix. Somehow that makes them a little easier to stomach, but they still suck. 🙁 Anyway, more Halloweenish Spectare reviews to come, along with more Foodstuffs pieces and (someday) the Baltimore Comicon review.

And yeah, we'd review a zombie movie in February because this is SCARY-CRAYON, but I figured I'd pretend to be festive and milk the Halloween connection. 😉

-posted by Wes | 3:38 pm | Comments (6)
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