October 13, 2007
Count 06: Zip Zit & Socket

Did I mention that you can find Creepy Freaks booster packs at your local Five Below (assuming you have 'em in your area) for $1 a pop? It's not a very attractive price for folks looking to buy multiple boxes and attain the whole set, but it'd be a neat little way for you to have a SC souvenir (of sorts) and play along at home. 🙂

Zip Zit is GROSS.

Aaand it's back to the land of disgust with Zip Zit, a bug-eyed, red-haired, yellow-toothed, same-shade-of-yellow-cap-wearing, pasty-as-fuck, stark naked dude covered from head to toe with ripe bulging pustules. It's even nastier when you read the comic that comes with Zip Zit. ugh. Also, for no apparent reason, he's driving a purple clown car. A naked guy in a clown car is admittedly pretty creepy and freaky, but I can hardly appreciate it because the excess of zits keeps me on the verge of tossing my cookies.

Socket does NOT shoot his entire head.

The first repaint that we've encountered in the countdown (!!!), Socket is essentially Headley with a more fetching color scheme. I've got pretty much the same reaction to him that I had to Headley, so I don't really have a lot to add here, but I'd like to take a moment to point out the laziness of this recolor. While the Creepy Freaks world is fucked up enough that I've got no problem accepting the existence of a whole bunch of skeleton dudes in superhero costumes, I do have a problem with Socket preparing to slingshot his entire head when his specified attack supposedly involves him shooting eyeballs -- and only eyeballs -- at opponents. Hell, the head on this figurine doesn't even have eyeballs, as Socket only has empty sockets. I do like this mold, and quite frankly if I had a good skull mask and a superhero outfit or two on hand I'd likely dress as some variant of Headley or Socket every year, but I don't see why the Creepy Freaks team didn't just call his attack something more appropriate if they didn't want to alter the sculpt at all.

Consider this instance of a twenty-something-year-old guy sincerely harping on the design and attack name of an obscure skeleton figurine my contribution to help us meet today's creepiness and freakishness quota.

-posted by Wes | 10:57 am | Comments (2)
October 12, 2007
Count 05: King Jack & Hamlin

It's mystery box time (!!!) as Scary-Crayon's Creepy Freaks Halloween Countdown continues. WOO!

King Jack is my kind of Creepy Freak.

Okay, NOW we're getting somewhere. Not everyone finds clowns to be downright terrifying, but pretty much everyone will grant that they're some creepy and freaky bastards. As such, King Jack really can't help but rule. The jack-in-the-box thing even helps to soften the horror to the benefit of these other qualities, as there's no real danger that his Highness is going to chase you into dark alleyways or creep around the perimeter of your home in the dead of night -- the best he can do is bob around on your shelf and look freaky and make creepy shadows and maybe give off an eerie laugh. That's good enough for me, though!

Hamlin needs a rhinestone glove.

After the greatness of King Jack, Hamlin is kind of a disappointment. The Creepy Freaks designers tried to be a bit too clever in combining the elements of the Pied Piper of Hamelin legend to feature a rat in the role of the piper. I mean, if you think about it even a little bit, you'll find that a weird musician who skips into town and seduces 130 children is about as creepy and freaky as it gets. Even when he's got beady red eyes and a hunger for human children (note the sack with a child stuffed in it slung over his shoulder), there is no way that Master Splinter is scarier than Michael Jackson in his wildest fantasies. Michael Jackson gives freaking clowns a run for their money.

Also, I don't plan on scanning these all that often, but each Creepy Freak (with the exception of the starter pack ones, I think) comes with a couple of stickers -- one of which features a more or less amusing comic on the back. Given recent events, Hamlin's seemed particularly appropriate to share. Would a joke comparing Britney's figure to Hamlin's be out of line?

The countdown continues tomorrow!

-posted by Wes | 6:57 am | Comments (2)
October 11, 2007
Count 04: Tulips & Frosty the Snotman

In case you didn't notice last time, I decided to shrink the images of the Creepy Freaks a bit starting with the second starter set. It's not a terribly significant change -- I think they're still more than large enough to highlight the details of the figurines -- but I just figured I'd mention it. 🙂

Tulips needs a hug.

I feel sorry for Tulips. She's not really creepy or freaky or even scary -- she's just kind of ugly. What's worse is that her attack, being called "crush", potentially requires her to develop an attraction to one of her opponents and likely lay a kiss on him/her. It can't be all that bad for Tulips, since she willingly participates in the game and doesn't seem to be offended by the fact that she's expected to use her warty, oversized green lips to make advances that freak the hell out of other characters (she's even giving a thumbs up!), but I still think this is pretty cruel. The Creepy Freaks world is a terrible place. 🙁

Frosty the Snotman makes me want to retch.

Creepy? Freaky? More like slam-fucking-nasty. I don't see what's so frosty about Frosty the Snotman, but really -- a dude composed entirely of snot? I'm not sure what's worse -- the idea that somewhere there is a society of snot monsters having snot sex and giving birth to snot babies, or the more realistic but also vomit-inducing notion that a group of unwell children snuck out of their sickbeds and built a life-sized snotman during an intensive session of sneezing and hacking up globules of mucus. At least he'd never have to worry about Professor Hinkle stalking him to get his hat back, 'cause who'd want a top hat lined with chunky green snot? Even evil magicians would pass on that grossness.

See you next time, when we spotlight... I dunno who. It's a mystery! :mrgreen:

-posted by Wes | 8:30 am | Comments (2)
October 10, 2007
Count 03: Nate & Worm Breath

Creepy Freaks Starter Set #2!

As you can see, we're still not into the mystery boxes -- we've got one more starter set to go before we delve into the contents of those long-buried cardboard enclosures. There's not much else to be said on that front, so let's get right to it!

Nate's got a thing for monster chicks.

Like his younger brother Lucas, Nate isn't technically a Creepy Freak -- he's one of the human team leaders. As such, unless you were bullied by jocks throughout high school and find teens in football jerseys to be particularly unsettling, the only remotely creepy or freaky thing about Nate is his choice of playmates. Then again, several of the female Creepy Freaks are actually quite hot, so it's quite possible that he's only playing along in order to get his shot at a sexy Gorgon schoolgirl or a flaming hot (literally) alien supermodel. But if this is true, the fact that Nate's willing to hang out with all sorts of nasty creatures for this purpose considerably ups his creepy and freaky (not to mention desperate) ratings.

Worm Breath is one creepy, freaky dude.

Worm Breath is probably the creepiest and freakiest of the Creepy Freaks yet. At first glance he appears to be a horrible fish monster -- which is more scary than creepy by any account -- but a closer look reveals certain vulnerabilities that reduce him to oddball status. Foremost among these is the fact that he's wearing orange flotation devices on his arms, which suggests that, despite being a fish monster, he can't swim... which kinda makes him seem less like a bona fide fish monster and more like a creepy deformed kid who just happens to look like a fish monster. And insofar as Worm Breath isn't really a fish monster, his diet (as implied by his name) also makes him creepy and freaky, since only a legitimate fish monster would be justified in eating worms. Making matters worse, he doesn't even really eat them -- he just sort of lets them sit in his mouth until the time comes for him to reach inside and throw handfuls of them at his opponents during Creepy Freaks games. It's roughly the equivalent of a kid storing Yu-Gi-Oh cards in his ass, which would be pretty creepy and freaky (and fucking nasty) by all accounts.

Next time: Tulips and Frosty the Snotman!

-posted by Wes | 4:56 am | Comments (4)
October 9, 2007
Count 02: Headley & Spitty Cat

Still not quite ready to get these going on a daily basis (though the last one was yesterday, so we may be getting there...), but here's the next installment of Scary-Crayon's Creepy Freaks Halloween Countdown! Spotlighted today: Headley and Spitty Cat.

Headley is here to save the day!

Headley is one of those obscure characters who simultaneously manages to be bland and interesting. With his homemade superhero costume and lame slingshot weapon, he's not the most stylish kid on the block. Yet the fact that he's also able to remove his own head and launch it at the enemy -- complete with leaking brains and eyeballs from the slit in his skull -- helps to distinguish him from other more or less forgettable characters quite a bit. Where did Headley come from? How did he gain his incredible powers? What motivates him to fight for the good of his fellow man monster? Do his brains grow back after each attack? Inquiring minds want to know.

Something about Headley just screams of heroism, so he's not really creepy or freaky in my book -- the brain thing is kinda gross, but otherwise he seems incredibly out of place among the Creepy Freaks. Rather, I think Headley would be more at home in some corner of the Marvel or DC universe. He'd never be a major player like Dr. Strange or the Martian Manhunter, but he'd fit in well beside the mostly forgotten but (sometimes not-so-) fondly remembered (if only by a few) characters like the Night Nurse and Brother Power. Excelsior?

Spitty Cat needs a hug.

Spitty Cat is probably the creepiest and freakiest character we've seen thus far. Yes, he's an undead, decomposing cat emerging from a box of kitty litter -- which is admittedly more disgusting and horrific than it is creepy or freaky -- but keep in mind that Spitty Cat's not (necessarily) a bad guy. In fact, he was likely a beloved pet until, owing to the forgetfulness of the neighbor who was supposed to feed him while his owners were on vacation, he collapsed in the litter box, died of starvation, and began to rot away.

But Spitty Cat knew that little Timmy would be devastated to find his kitty dead, so by sheer force of will he survived his death and partial decomposition just so he could rub up against Timmy's leg and purr upon the child's return from Disneyland. Of course, the general grossness of living dead things prompted the family to get rid of poor Spitty, which eventually led to his arrival in the Creepy Freaks world and naturally soured his once playful disposition. Nevertheless, the tragic elements of his tale and the love still residing in his worm-eaten heart keep him out of the realm of horror and ensconced in the less severe categories of creepy and freaky.

Join us next time in the Creepy Freaks Halloween Countdown, when we'll begin spotlighting the characters from the second starter set! But fret not, reader -- we'll get to the mystery boxes soon enough. 😉

-posted by Wes | 1:00 pm | Comments (0)
October 8, 2007
Count 01: Lucas & Swirly

So here we are with the first installment in the Creepy Freaks Halloween Countdown (2007 edition)! I'm not quite ready yet to kick them off on a daily basis, but hopefully this will help to get the steamroller going. I'm planning to add a link directly to the countdown to the sidebar of the content pages, but in the meantime you can access them from the blog since they're posted there as well.

Creepy Freaks: Starter Set #1!

As I suggested previously, for each installment, I'll be selecting one box from my towering stack o' booster packs and commenting on the two Creepy Freaks inside. Those boxes are unopened -- or at least were opened and reclosed so long ago that the contents will be a surprise to me as well -- but you'll note that the four Creepy Freaks pictured above come not from the booster packs but from the initial starter set. I've decided to start with these because, in addition to the fact that I've never really given these characters their moment in the spotlight (outside of their appearances in the cartoon), quite a few of the 56 Creepy Freaks are repaints. Reviewing the eight starter pack inclusions first (there are two different starter packs) will at least give us a reference when we encounter the sixth repaint of Frosty the Snotman.

That said -- and I'll write more about the details of the countdown as I think of and/or implement them -- LET THE COUNTDOWN BEGIN! Spotlighted today: Lucas and Swirly.

Lucas wants to catch 'em all.

So here we have Lucas, one of the two team leaders available in the Creepy Freaks starter packs. He's more or less the Creepy Freaks version of Ash from Pokémon (he even shares the same basic outfit), only a whole lot less interesting because he doesn't have the benefit of ten seasons of cartoon episodes to flesh out his character. He's also a rather unfortunate start to the countdown, as Lucas isn't particularly creepy or freaky at all -- he's just your standard annoying snot-nosed kid brother who commands living skeletons and giant talking cartons of rancid milk in his spare time. Then again, any kid that willingly hangs out with snot monsters in a nightmare world rife with political unrest and slavery and forced gladiatorial matches and eyeball trees is probably creepier and freakier than simple appearances could ever convey.

Swirly will fucking kill you.

Next up, there's Swirly -- the foremost of several so-called "toilet-head" monsters in the Creepy Freaks lineup. Old fans of Ghostbusters may notice a certain resemblance to Fearsome Flush here, but Swirly improves upon the concept of a demonic toilet thing by incorporating even more toilet and bathroom-related items into his appearance. His right and left arms are respectively composed of a toilet brush and a plunger. Whereas Fearsome Flush had a thick red cow-like tongue protruding from the bowl, Fearsome Flush uses toilet paper to taste his victims.

I'm not sure I'd call any of this creepy or freaky, though. I like the design, but I'd run screaming in terror if I ever encountered Swirly in a public restroom. He's even more terrifying when you consider that, in the Creepy Freaks cartoon, Swirly actually flushed an opponent down his drain, thereby devouring him whole. Judging from the excess water gushing from the bowl and the tank, Swirly is incredibly backed up with the decomposing corpses of his enemies.

Okay, that was technically two paragraphs about Swirly, but whatever. 😛 See you in the next installment of the Creepy Freaks Halloween Countdown, where we'll be spotlighting Headley and Spitty Cat!

-posted by Wes | 7:20 pm | Comments (0)
October 1, 2007
Groovy Girls Minis: O’Ryan and her bed!

O'Ryan has lovely hair.


Yes, Scary-Crayon likes more than just boys' toys! Wes braves the awkwardness of buying tiny bendable girls and amazing technicolor beds in public so you can read about that groovy O'Ryan and her Bombastic Bed.  (10/1/07)

-posted by Wes | 9:44 pm | Comments Off on Groovy Girls Minis: O’Ryan and her bed!
O’Ryan and her Bombastic Bed!

And if I've learned anything today, children, it's that I'm not going to give specific time estimates for articles anymore. Sorry about the 24-hour delay here -- I hope that you weren't checking the site all day in anticipation of this new piece! Anyway, here's my review of the Groovy Girls Minis O'Ryan figure and Bombastic Bed accessory. It didn't end up being quite the laugh riot that I'd originally hoped it would be -- partly because the review that I'd originally conceived included a review of Colton's sister figure and the return of our creepy best friend himself -- but I think the piece is still amusing enough. It's certainly better now than it was after I switched gears and rewrote quite a bit of it, since the original draft included the following passage:

That said, O'Ryan's use of the term is a bit of a stretch. She's certainly bendable, but that's not necessarily the same thing as poseability. Usually, when we praise a figure's poseability, we're referring to its ability to maintain diverse upright poses without the aid of a supportive human hand -- and while technically a figure only needs to be able to hold two poses to qualify for the term, most bendable figures find it difficult to hold their footing in anything but a standard standing configuration. Furthermore, anyone with any respectable degree of familiarity with bendable figures knows that their poseability is largely dependent upon two other factors: their size and their thickness. A very thin bendable toy with longer limbs -- such as the spindly giraffe I had as a child -- could hold all kinds of neat poses because the wires responsible for its bendability were lengthy enough to support more dramatic twists and weren't significantly restricted by an excess of stiff rubbery flesh. (The four legs probably helped with the balancing as well, but still!) On the other hand, my 6" bendable Homer Simpson toy was so chunky that he could barely raise his arm to wave hello.

Not a terrible passage -- I'm mainly posting it here because I didn't want it to go completely to waste -- but a bit too technical for what I wanted to do with this article. Anyway, I hope you enjoy, and do stay tuned for the Creepy Freaks Halloween Countdown! No precise dates or exact promises, but I should get that underway... soon.

And if you have no idea what I'm talking about because you miss blog entries that aren't attached to articles (which is good, since you know nothing about my pitiful failure regarding the scheduled posting of this piece!), you can read about that here. ALSO, I dunno if you noticed the reference to people my age at the beginning of the article, but it bears noting that my birthday is this coming Thursday! Not that that should necessarily mean anything to you, but well-wishes (and presents and/or donations...! :mrgreen: ) are welcome and appreciated. Ja! 🙂

-posted by Wes | 9:28 pm | Comments (10)
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