Okay, first things first, I can't take complete credit for this one. The inspiration for this piece comes from Rayzak of Disc Read Error, who wrote an article back in February entitled Hostess Sushi. As Rayzak writes, the idea of slicing snack cakes with filling into bite sized little pieces and pretending that they're sushi isn't an entirely new idea, but he's probably the first guy to go all out with it on the web with photos and the like. Scary-Crayon humbly acknowledges this and salutes Rayzak's pioneering contribution to the web. Without me having seen his piece, there's no way I would've thought to do this, because I'm too busy putting cheese on cookies to think of something as simple as cutting up snack cakes and turning the pieces on their sides. It's quite clever, really, and those tiny pieces actually do resemble sushi. So now SC's getting in on the act. However, this being Scary-freakin'-Crayon, you can bet that we're going to turn the oddness factor up a notch or two. See, our chef's cap is much like that tattered singing sorting hat from the Harry Potter series, except our headware whispers frightening and random recipes in a several different threatening voices. Gryffindor, Slytherin, all the houses of Hogwarts can all go to Hell -- our hat is better. So let's see what we've got for today...
As you see above, the SC snack cake sushi adventure isn't limited to Hostess snack cakes -- not only do we have Hostess CarOmel HoHos, which are among the less popular HoHos varieties, but we've also got Little Debbie BOSTON CremeRolls in the mix. And that's it, because this is all we happened to have in the house and I didn't feel like buying any more snack cakes for this stupid article. And if it bothers you that I neglected your precious Twinkies, here's a photo of a Twinkie baked in a toaster oven. Note that the melted creme filling leaking out of its side strongly resembles semen. Yeah, think about that the next time you're eating a Twinkie. Anyway, the Boston CremeRolls look more like enchiladas to me, but since I can't think of a way to turn that observation into something remotely amusing, I'll spare you the cheesy jokes and just move on to the meat of the matter. Damn, I'm good.
So here we are, with the wrapped snack cakes waiting on the cutting board and several members of the Okage: Shadow King cast presiding. The game originated in Japan (where it goes by the name of "Me and Satan King"), so their inclusion is totally appropriate. (By the way, if you're in the market for a fun and interesting PS2 RPG, you'd do well to pick Okage up. The battle system's not the greatest or most sophisticated, but the story is really fun -- and even takes a really cool and meaningful turn towards the end -- and the graphic style is just awesome if you're into strange and slightly gothic stuff in the vein of Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas. Plus it's an older game, so you should be able to find it pretty cheap. Highly recommended.) You'll note that there are several other ingredients there as well. I mean, seriously, this is supposed to be snack cake sushi, and you can't have sushi without wasabi. Also, Kikkoman soy sauce! Another sushi prerequisite. Probably left over from the last time I got carryout sushi somewhere.
And fuck me, I guess that was a long time ago, because the last time I checked wasabi wasn't the color of kiddie porn photos from 1918 and didn't taste and smell like someone's unwashed ass. I mean wasabi tastes kinda funky anyway -- not this funky, mind you -- but when you squeeze it out and the smell makes you wonder whose butt is producing it and how the hell that person can stand what must be unbearable itching, I think you can safely assume that wasabi has gone raping-grannies-on-Christmas-morning bad. This shit can join my horrible attempts at humor in the garbage.
Since the Kikkoman soy sauce packet had been there at least as long as the wasabi, rather than opening it to discover the horror of what looks like dark brown fish food (again), I tossed it and decided to use that last drop of Kikkoman IN DA BOTTLE. And in lieu of the spoiled wasabi, two ghosts look on as James presents... wasabi in a tube! I'd always followed the "refrigerate after opening" warning with a patronizing "Yeah, sure, like wasabi goes bad", but apparently they weren't fucking kidding. Anyway, if you at all like wasabi, I totally recommend these -- if you wanted, you could even brush your teeth with wasabi. And in that suggestion we have the making of an excellent practical joke, so mark your calendars and file that one away until April 2005. In the second picture above, Rosalyn oversees the addition of the new green wasabi to a splash of soy sauce in a tiny plastic tub. Hurrah!
So after having sliced the cakes into bite-sized pieces and flipped 'em on their cross-sectioned sides, it's time for the snack cake sushi adventure to begin in earnest! As the wacky batshit insane anime villains say, "OH HO HO HO HO HO HO!!!!" And why shouldn't we be laughing like self-satisfied lunatics? After all, we're about to take the trolley into the land of make-believe and dip tiny pieces of snack cakes into a soy sauce and wasabi paste while pretending to eat sushi -- what in all of culinary creation could be more exciting than that?
Evil King Stan: Bwahahahahaha!!! You had to ask, didn't you??? Perhaps next time you'll be more careful, for now I, the most evilest of Evil Kings shall answer your pitiful question! Behold, lowly peion -- LOUIS KEMP SEAFOOD CO. CRAB DELIGHTS!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Yep -- going over and above including soy sauce and wasabi in the mix, the above image depicts the addition of fake crabmeat to the project, ramping up the sushi-ness even further by adding the ingredient that makes California rolls so delectable. For those of you at home who just gagged, know that I would also have done this with smoked salmon, had I had any around. But I didn't. :( So anyway, while this isn't the first time the snack cake sushi road has been traveled, I'm pretty sure it's the first time these "improvements" have been included on the journey. How will it unfold?
Ari: Hey, Rosalyn, since I'm pretty sure that snack cakes topped with fake crabmeat and dipped in a wasabi-soy sauce paste are the ingredients that bring about THE END OF THE WORLD... will you have sex with me now?
Rosalyn: Well, I guess I... waitaminute, what the fuck did you just say?????
Ari: PLEASE NOT TO SLAP ME!!!!! Stan made me say it.
Evil King Stan: That's right, I did! LICK MY TAPERED CROTCH, SLAVE!!!
Rosalyn: Hey, did anyone else notice that the shadow is casting a shadow? That's just weird.
Evil King Stan: Not weird. Evil. The word is evil. Recognize, bitch.
James: Umm... Princess Marlene... since I'm pretty sure that snack cakes topped with fake crabmeat and dipped in a wasabi-soy sauce paste are the ingredients that bring about THE END OF THE WORLD...
Princess Marlene: Finish that sentence and I'll impale you with my crown.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled program. Above, you see a piece of the Boston Cremeroll "sushi", topped with fake crabmeat, being dipped into the wasabi-soy sauce paste. And wouldn't you know it, it was pretty good! Good enough, in fact, for me to take several weird photos of me stuffing it and the next take with a CarOmel HoHo into my mouth. You may not believe me, but it's true. It's also slightly nauseating. That I did it at all, I mean, not the taste. The taste was interesting, you see -- the flavors didn't so much combine as follow one another, pretty much in the order that they're layered. First, I got the familiar taste and accompanying sensasion of wasabi mixed with soy sauce... then came the taste of the respective snack cake... and then it was topped off with the taste of fake crabmeat. Yes! Vely eeeenteresting eeendeed, honorable sirs.
Interesting enough for me to do this with the remainder of them. Several are left untouched, of course, for comparative purposes, but few were spared the sinus-clearing wrath of the wasabi invasion. Across the board, though, the taste was still pretty much the same, except where one ingredient was missing from the mix -- in those cases, it just tasted like the other ingredients. By the time I finished, however, I could barely tell the difference between snack cakes, and even at the height of my tastebuds' sensitivity the caramel in the CarOmel HoHos was fairly weak. Instead of calling them "CarOmel", they should've been called "CarUhmel", as in, "Uh, where the fuck is the caramel taste?" If you're into the mello mello taste, stick with Twix. Anyway, there's not a lot more to say about this adventure. It's a geek show.
James: It's too horrible... I can't watch!
Princess Marlene: You serve an evil shadow that wants to enslave the world, but you can't watch a strange human scarf down snack cakes with unconventional toppings? I don't understand you at all.
James: I'm a complicated man, but no one understands me but my woman.
Princess Marlene: You don't have a woman.
James: No, but I have a shaft! Ahahahahaha!
Princess Marlene: I hate you. >:(
Evil King Stan: Yes, human, eat! Consume unhealthy snack cakes topped with swamp-colored paste and artificial crustacean flesh! BRING MY EVIL PLANS TO FRUITION!!!
Ari: Um, Stan... nothing's happening.
Evil King Stan: SILENCE, SLAVE!!! These things take... time.
Rosalyn: Whoever wants to get spitted on my rapier... juuuuust keep talkin'.
Evil King Stan: Yeah? I'd like to see you try it, bitch. BRING IT ON, BABY!!!
Rosalyn: I don't have any articulation. :(
And yep, it's finished -- all pieces of the unholy snack cake sushi have been consumed. The haunted, talking chef's hat of the Scary-Crayon kitchen is well-pleased and has gone to sleep, humming pleasant rhymes about indigestion and food poisoning in its happy, happy dreams. But for this, all is quiet... so let's recount what we've learned today. We've demonstrated once more that a) snack cakes can be cut into pieces, flipped on their sides, and made to resemble sushi, and b) that dipping them in a wasabi-soy sauce paste and topping them with fake crabmeat surprisingly doesn't affect their taste much at all (though it does add several other flavors in the before and after moments). I'd try to put a significant spin on things, but I guess that the truth of the matter is that we haven't learned very fucking much at all today. Hope you're not disappointed -- the plan, after all, was to cut up snack cakes and treat them like sushi, not to sit down and have a deep and meaningful conversation with Amitabha. Maybe next time. Anyway, with our sushi snack cake adventure complete, we bid you a fond farewell. Until next time, that is.
Ari: Well, I guess we got all worked up over nothing! Glad that's over with. So, Marlene, wanna have sex with me?
Rosalyn: Waitaminute! Just a moment ago you were propositioning me, but now you're turning to her! What the hell is up with that, Ari?!?!?
Ari: I thought we were going to die... and you were closer.
Rosalyn: And here I thought you actually cared about me! I... I'm such a fool!
Evil King Stan: Hear that, bitch? That's the sound of nobody disagreeing with you. HA! I'm EVIL!
James: Don't be sad, Rosalyn... I'm here for you, you know. :D~
Rosalyn: ... Damnit, I really wish I had articulation. >:/
Just click the image above! Simple, no? ;)