When I recently dusted off my old comics boxes and pulled out my issues of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comics for rereading purposes, I wasn't surprised to find that one of my favorite issues still remains Eastman and Laird's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #41. Written and drawn by Matt Howarth, it was an interesting and amusing look at the subconscious thoughts of the four Turtles and Splinter via the medium of dreams. In contrast with the serious personality and spiritual concerns that we normally get from Leonardo, his dreams found him in high school, the most popular guy in school and the most beloved of the ladies. Splinter dined with Alfred Hitchcock, Albert Einsten, and Genghis Khan. Raph did battle with his favorite comic book villain. And so on -- it was great stuff. But this isn't a comic review. No, for the reason that we're here, I refer you to page 21 below (click here to view the full page):
Yep. Thank Matt Howarth for the inspiration, because it's time to make Chocolate Chip Cheese Cookies. Hurrah! :D
We join Usagi Yojimbo, Donatello, and Genghis Frog in the kitchen...
Usagi: Okay guys, we've got a plate of chocolate chip cookies and two different kinds of cheese. Obviously, these ingredients ABSOLUTELY DO NOT BELONG TOGETHER IN ANY COMBINATION WHATSOEVER, but since we're on the nonexistent Scary-Crayon payroll, you know what we have to do.
Donatello: I'm so excited! And I just can't hide it! But I can hide behind a giant piece of cheese! Ha ha ha!
Usagi: Yep. Alright then, gang -- let's go to it.
Genghis: Great! I'll get the...
Genghis: ...American Heritage Shredded Imitation Cheddar Cheese...? Hey, what the hell does shredded imitation cheddar cheese have to do with the heritage of America? And why would they need to shred imitation cheddar cheese anyway? It's fake, right? Why not just make it in shredded form, then? How many people would buy a big hunk of imitation cheddar cheese, anyway? Hell, how many people would buy this stuff? Why am I thinking so hard about imitation cheese? I don't know, but I'm fucking scared... Well, at least it's cholesterol free.
Usagi: Um, that's nice, Genghis. While you handle that, I'll cut the cheese.
Donatello: Eeeeeeew. In the kitchen??? While we're making food???
Usagi: Baka! You know what I meant.
Genghis: Rabbit farts smell like boiled carrots.
Usagi: Damnit! Give me a hand here, Don, and unfurl the plastic.
Donatello: It's just like makin' a bed!
Usagi: Errr...yes. I suppose it is.
After several minutes of cheesy fun and cheesier jokes...
Genghis: Ta-daaa! CHOCOLATE CHIP CHEESE COOKIES!!! Good work, team!
Usagi: What are you talking about? We're not finished yet, Genghis.
Donatello: Usagi's right -- in order to transform these into 4Cs, we've gotta microwave 'em.
Genghis: What's a 4C?
Donatello: Ah, glad you asked! Let me explain it to you by way of a few equations:
Chocolate Chip Cookies = 3C ;Cheese = C ;Chocolate Chip Cookies + Cheese = 3C + CBUT3C + C ≠ 4C ;3C + C + HEAT = 4C ;4C = Chocolate Chip Cheese Cookies
Donatello: Thus, 4Cs are equal to Chocolate Chip Cheese Cookies.
Genghis: I see.
Usagi: What the hell? Why did you break out that lengthy formula to explain a simple acronym?
Donatello: 'Cause it makes me look really smart, duh.
Genghis: Who cares how smart you are? Let's just get these things to the microwave already!
Donatello: Agreed! Hey, Usagi, is something wrong?
Usagi: Oh, I'm just trying to remember how I got suckered into putting cheese on cookies with you two freaks.
One trip to the microwave later...Donatello: And there they are! CHOCOLATE CHIP CHEESE COOKIES!!! Bon appetite, Usagi.
Usagi: Fuck that. You make me try to eat one of those things and I swear I'll slit my throat. And then I'll slit yours, too.
Donatello: Umm...ok then. I've had 4Cs before, so I think Genghis should be the one to try them.
Genghis: Uh-uh! No way, dude. I'd rather have a fly.
Donatello: That's disgusting! Look, flies eat shit. They gorge on shit. They're full of shit! So really, every time you eat a fly, you're eating a little ball of shit in a crunchy insect shell. Shit & M's. Fly-coated shit. Shit in a fly blanket. Nasty.
Genghis: You know, that is pretty gross. I never thought about it like that.
Usagi: No? WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE!!!
Genghis: I'm still not eating those cookies, dude.
Usagi: Hey Wes, what are you waiting for? HURRY UP AND INTERVENE BEFORE EVERYBODY DIES!
Well, this was...interesting. I'm not sure if I can explain the experience of eating Chocolate Chip Cheese Cookies to you, but I'll give it a shot. Try to follow along...
Have you ever been really hungry for a slice of cheesecake? If so, then you know how delicious and wonderful that slice of cheesecake tastes when you finally get it. But say you don't stop at one slice. Nope, you've gotta have a second. And that one's delicious too -- almost as great as the first, but not quite. Still, the difference is negligible. It's not until your third slice until you begin to notice that that amazing cheesecake taste just ain't what it used to be. Still good, but no longer great. So by the time you get to that fifth slice you're just cramming something sweet and cheesy into your mouth, and you know that it tastes really sweet and cheesy, but you can't be bothered to rank it because your mind's too preoccupied with thinking, "Ohhh, maannnn...whyyyy did I eat five slices of cheesecake...?" And then, suppose that after all of that, you still reach for a sixth...
Whether you use American cheese or shredded imitation cheddar, Chocolate Chip Cheese Cookies are that sixth slice of cheesecake, folks. But if you really like cheesecake (I do), I'd recommend trying them out at least once. And make sure you serve 'em to your buddies without telling them what they're eating. Then e-mail me their reactions. ;)
WAIT! WE'RE NOT DONE YET!
Usagi: AND NOW IT IS TIME TO MAKE MORE CHOCOLATE CHIP CHEESE COOKIES!!! OBSERVE, HOW WE --
Donatello: What gives, Usagi? I thought you hated Chocolate Chip Cheese Cookies.
Usagi: NONE SHALL SPEAK WHILE I'M POURING!!! AS YOU SEE, WE COVER THE COOKIE WITH MOLLY MCBUTTER FAT FREE NATURAL CHEESE FLAVOR SPRINKLES, AND THEN --
Genghis: Heh heh. Hey, Don, doesn't "Molly McButter" sound like the name of a really hot chick?
Donatello: Maybe...either that or the name of a really greasy fat one.
Genghis: But it says "fat free"!
Donatello: You raise a good point. Okay then, I'd totally do Molly McButter.
Usagi: -- AND THEN I HACK OFF THE HEADS OF TINY TINY BABIES AND MAKE CHOCOLATE CHIP CHEESE BLOODY SEVERED TINY TINY BABY HEAD COOKIES!!! ALSO KNOWN AS 3CBS2TBHCs!!! HA HA HA!!!!!!
Genghis: Um...Don? I think Usagi's gone insane.
Usagi: IF YOU CUT A STRING TIED TO A KITE, THE KITE WILL FLY OFF ENDLESSLY!!!!!!
Donatello: Yup, he's lost it. And hey, does anyone else smell boiled carrots?
Usagi: I CAN MAKE MY OWN CHOCOLATE CHIPS!!!!!!
Genghis: ... Dude, this is scary shit.
Donatello: Yes, it is. And, somehow, I think we have only ourselves to blame.
Now this wasn't bad -- in fact, I could see this version of 4Cs being sold in stores, with bite-sized chocolate chip cookies in a bag full of that gummy cheddar powder crap they use to flavor Cheetos. I doubt it'd be all that popular, but it'd definitely gain a few diehard fans. Hey, maybe it could be a seasonal thing or something. If I ever do something so grand that my birthday becomes a holiday of sorts, few things would make me happier than seeing an abundance of marked down bags of 4Cs in the weeks following October 4th. And since the cookies would be orange, they'd fit in great with the Halloween-themed foods. But alas, the world is not yet ready for Chocolate Chip Cheese Cookies. I wish it were.
Just click the image above! Simple, no? ;)