HAPPY 4TH OF JULY, everyone! Another lazy Independence Day has come and just about gone, and we here at Scary-Crayon are relaxing after enjoying a themed July 4th feast. Many of you, I'm sure, spent the day at family picnics and neighborhood block parties, grilling hot dogs and running around outside and enjoying the weather, but that's not how we do it at the good SC. No, we haven't set foot outside all day, nor do we intend to! We've got everything we need right here. So if you're friendless and insist that Mother Nature AIN'T NO MOMMA OF YOURS, take notes, 'cause you too can enjoy a SC-styled July 4th next year with minimal preparations.
Foremost, if you really want to do it up like us, you're going to have to take the time to pose various toys around your food as you photograph each step in the preparatory process. Of course, we don't expect you to do that (why the bloody hell would you?!), but we needed some way to set up the introduction to today's cast, so there we go. Today's article features three undoubtedly American action figure icons -- Bart Simpson, Lon Chaney Jr., and, proudly waving our national flag, Lieutenant Leo of the Mutant Military. God bless America.
But since molded plastic is inedible and probably wouldn't taste very good if it were, you'll also want to have the appropriate foodstuffs for ID4 eatin' -- and nothing says "America" like hot dogs and unhealthy snack cakes with icing and sprinkles in festive colors. Of course, this being Scary-Crayon, there's a catch -- the hot dogs above are actually Jennie-O Turkey Franks. Not unusual enough for you? Consider that whereas other people prepare for the 4th with full shopping carts and dozens of dollars spent, I purchased both the turkey franks and Little Debbie's Stars & Stripes Marshmallow Puffs from our local dollar store for a measly $2 total. Indeed! Taking culinary advice from SC may turn your stomach, but it'll never empty your wallet.
Now, one of the good things about these items is that they're already cooked and/or safe for consumption (as safe as food purchased from a dollar store freezer can be, anyway), so the laziest of readers could theoretically skip the rest of this article and start munching on the turkey franks and snack cakes straight out of the containers. And yes, we're going to do that in the latter case, but not in the former. You see, despite not being an outdoor person, it's quite possible that by this time, with the sun shining brightly in the sky and its rays of pure cancer-causing light leaking through the closed blinds and thin curtains covering your windows, your soul may begin to long for the fresh air and sunlight outside -- or at least for the taste of a dog cooked in that wonderful expanse of nature. But not to worry -- a toaster oven can approximate the taste quite well without you ever having to worry about lighter fluid or mosquito bites or SPF45 sunblock! So go ahead and toss the dogs on the rack within, crank the heat to whatever setting you feel comfortable with (I went with 450) and relax with your best girl while you wait. And when I say "your best girl," I'm talkin' 'bout none other than Little Debbie.
Enter Little Debbie's Stars & Stripes Marshmallow Puffs: The perfect way to celebrate America in the form of 170 calories almost wholly devoid of any nutritional value whatsoever. However, perhaps out of guilt for further compounding America's ever more pressing problem with obesity, Little Debbie does take the opportunity to teach the fatty-fat Yanks how to properly display the American flag. Thanks, Debbie! At least now, when we clutch our hearts in agony and fall to the floor gasping for air, we can take comfort in the knowledge that even after we're dead Old Glory will continue to fly proudly over this great nation of ours. Until it rains, anyway. :(
So how do they taste? Two words: Fucking. Fantastic. Actually, they're pretty reminiscent of Hostess's famed Snowballs, only without the coconut shavings and with about eight times the patriotism. Why, if Abraham Lincoln hadn't been shot in the head... well, he still would've been dead long before Little Debbie came out with these. Anyway, I like to think that that whole fiasco with Clinton and Monica Lewinsky was a farce and that, in truth, that stain on the dress was caused by the marshmallow fluff of Stars & Stripes. Osama would choke on them.
But don't get so caught up in your chocolatey, marshmallowy reverie that you forget to check on your dogs! And here we find yet another of the benefits of Jennie-O Turkey Franks from the dollar store freezer: Apparently their unnatural constitution (hey, I said "constitution"! Commence screaming!) makes them impervious to all injury, even when horribly neglected by the so-called chef! Seriously, I had to have left them in the toaster oven a good 50 minutes -- after my bout of oral pleasure with Little Debbie, I sat down to watch an episode of "Teen Titans" and didn't remember the franks until about halfway through "Codename: Kids Next Door" -- and they still came out with nary a blackened patch upon their smoke-flavored hides. (This is how I burn cereal, kids.) So thanks for protecting me from myself, Jennie-O! You rule. And your turkey franks aren't bad, either! :)
As we bring this article to a close, I realize something sad and telling about today's festivities -- and perhaps about myself as well. Isn't July 4th a day to spend time outdoors, in the company of others, laughing and enjoying fun and food and gazing up at the sky at brilliantly colored explosions? And here, in the late hours of Independence Day, I sit alone at my computer, typing this article while listening to the thunderous bursts of the fireworks outside that make my body cringe at the thought of rain while my nose perks up in expectation of the 
smell of popcorn. Suddenly it occurs to me that both of our foods of choice today bore the names of women -- Little Debbie and Jennie-O. Is there some veiled meaning here, perhaps? Do I long for the company of others -- and female companionship in particular? Or is the glut of sugar coursing through my veins as a result of downing three Stars & Stripes Marshmallow Puffs (fucking. fantastic. -- I couldn't help myself) merely causing me to think crazy crazy thoughts? The latter, methinks! Remember, friends, this is Independence Day. Independence. You're your own person, man! Who cares about the shining happy people? Slap some condiments on your franks and stuff yourself with sugar and grab a beer and take Depeche Mode's advice. Enjoy the silence! And when some kid outside your window laughs and the sky above flashes derisively at you, you know what you do? Throw up a finger and drop your pants and flash those bastards right the fuck back. Because that's the American way.
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