Once again, we find ourselves teetering on the bring of culinary insanity...
The setting? The Scary-Crayon kitchen. Rafiki, Cletus Kasady, alias Carnage, and Blanka stand around a flour tortilla on a plate as L.B. cautiously approaches the plastic-wrapped item in the center. It appears to be a banana, but all in attendance know that appearances can be deceiving. Why, who would guess that Rafiki was actually a wise old sage, if a little insane? And speaking of insanity, who would guess that beneath that demonic red and black visage, Cletus Kasady is merely a slack-jawed cannibal, the likes of which -- if there is any truth in film -- you'd probably encounter in any Southern woodland of our fair country, assuming that you're a fun-loving teenager whose car has just broken down? And who, looking at Blanka, would guess that he is actually human, lost over the jungles of Brazil as a child so many years ago? And L.B.? He's a Bounder, and he's from "The Adventures of Teddy Ruxpin". Hell if I would've guessed that just by looking at him -- it took much research and Google searching ("red monster thing" "purple hair" "one horn" tail) to learn even that much about his origins. Yes, appearances can be deceiving indeed.
L.B.: It's a banana.
Blanka: BLANKA KNEW THAT.
Carnage: Yup. Obviously a banana.
Rafiki: Asante-se, dodonka-hey, karinki-sana, of course -- BANANA!
L.B.: But that's not all... apparently it's a frozen banana!
Rafiki: Katurka-hosen, banana is FROZEN!
Blanka: BLANKA MET FROZEN MAN ONCE. THAWED HIM, THEN TOOK HIM SWIMMING. CUZ HE STANK.
Carnage: Um, right. Hey, LB, think we should microwave it?
L.B.: It's done!
Carnage: The fuck? There's still frost on it.
L.B.: IT'S DONE!
Carnage: Whatever. Hey, Rafiki, do you think we'll be using this peanut butter? Or is it just background scenery?
Rafiki: Aronka-sonka-sana, we're cooking with banana, so fonky-donkey-yutter, it's ripe for peanut butter!
Carnage: Yeah, that's what I was thinking. How about those sweet potatoes there?
Rafiki: Definitely background.
Carnage: Hey, why didn't you sing that line?
Rafiki: What, you expect ol' Rafiki to sing everything he says? Try this: Suzuki-melf, go fuck yourself!
L.B.: Hi there. In case you're wanting to try this at home, here's a recap of what's happened thus far. You'll be needing a banana -- ours is frozen, but yours doesn't have to be, since you'll be thawing it anyway -- peanut butter, and a flour tortilla. In addition to these ingredients, you'll also need sugar and maybe some salt and pepper... and of course, at this point, you should be heating up a greased frying pan. Because you should always be heating up a greased frying pan. Unless you're not cooking and/or are going on vacation for a few weeks. Your house might burn down. But then I guess you will be cooking! For dragons. Because in this one movie I saw, they ate ash. That makes no fucking sense.
Blanka: OKAY, BANANA NEEDS SLICING NOW. SHOULD BLANKA GET KNIFE?
Carnage: Relax -- I've got it. Watch and learn, Jimmy.
Blanka: ONLY MOM CALL BLANKA THAT NAME! CALL BLANKA "JIMMY" AGAIN, BLANKA CRUSH YOUR SKULL.
Carnage: I'm a comic book character -- I'd just come back again. Also, I'd carve you up before you could even breathe.
Blanka: EELS TEACH BLANKA TO BREATHE UNDERWATER.
L.B.: Ssssssliced! Nice work, Carnage.
Carnage: Thank you, thank you! I slice, I dice, I make julienne fries --
Rafiki: -- you employ that lame infomercial-inspired line despite it not being funny anymore due to overuse! Oh ho ho!
Blanka: WAIT, BLANKA CONFUSED. CARNAGE NOT MAKE JULIENNE FRIES? BLANKA WANTED SOME. :(
L.B.: ... Okay, now it's time to fry these babies. LET'S GO!
L.B.: Oh YES!!! FRY, BANANA SLICES, FRY!!!!!!
L.B.: Um... I think they fried for too long, 'cause they kinda look like giant turds now. Who wants to eat giant turds?
Blanka: SILLY TINY HORNED THING! EVERYONE KNOW PEANUT BUTTER MAKES ANYTHING APPETIZING!!!
Rafiki: Koala-ho, he's right, you know, and bug-a-booger, it's time for SUGAR!
L.B.: Folks at home, did you get that? You slice up the (thawed) banana, fry it, then throw it on the tortilla and add peanut butter (one to two tablespoons), sugar (three teaspoons, or more, or less, as you like) and perhaps a dash of salt and pepper. We like chunky peanut butter. It's crunchy, you know.
Rafiki: Gyeh heh heh heh heh...
Carnage: What the hell is his problem?
Blanka: BLANKA THINK STRANGE EDIBLES DRIVE SENILE BABOON BANANAS. BLANKA ALSO MAKE FUNNY!
Rafiki: HA! You all just think Rafiki old crazy singing baboon, eh? Rafiki show you how crazy Rafiki is! You see, Rafiki know better than you do what we makin' here... and now, Rafiki gon' add THE SECRET INGREDIENT! See how it get all dark? Oh yeah... Rafiki know what's comin'. Rafiki know aaaaaalllllllllllll about it. Gyee hee hee!
Blanka: ... BLANKA SCARED.
Rafiki: Rocampa-see, as you should be! Behold...
Rafiki: ...THE SECRET INGREDIENT:THE SEVERED HEADS OF TWO NEWLYWEDSON THEIR SECOND HONEYMOON!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
Rafiki: Just kidding, that's all of the ingredients. You just kinda mash them together then, like so.
Blanka: BLANKA NOT KNOW WHAT'S LESS APPEALING -- SEVERED HEADS OR WAY THAT SHIT LOOKS RIGHT NOW. REMINDS BLANKA OF HOG DIARRHEA.
Carnage: There is peanut butter in there, though.
Blanka: YOU RIGHT. BLANKA RETRACT THAT STATEMENT. IT LOOKS DELICIOUS!
L.B.: But we're not quite done yet! There are still finishing strokes to be made.
Carnage: Aha, I see! Finishing strokes! So there is a secret ingredient. And it's jizz! Bukkake banana burrito! Hahaha!
Blanka: BLANKA HEAR ABOUT THOSE! CAMMY SAYS THEY TASTE GOOD.
L.B.: ... As soon as this is finished, I'm getting the fuck away from you guys.
L.B.: SO. Once you've got the mash spread out around the center of the tortilla (as seen earlier), you just roll it up, making sure to close the ends as you go. Then you lightly fry the sucker in the greased pan, which you should've left heating after the banana slices. If you didn't, you'll have to turn on the stove and wait for it to heat up again. No big deal.
Carnage: Plenty of time to download porn and glaze your burrito-to-be with that secret ingredient, if you're so inclined.
Rafiki: Locumba-say, pokurri-yoke, drop that fucking disgusting joke!
Several minutes later...
Blanka: THE PEANUT BUTTER BANANA BURRITO EXPERIMENT IS COMPLETE.
Rafiki: Ol' Rafiki think so too!
L.B.: Not quite, guys... we've still gotta taste it! :D
And this, you see, is really where our story ends. There's no need to deliver an official verdict, because it's not like this is a completely random and untried culinary experiment. For while we have referred to it as just that -- an experiment -- every good scientist knows that experiments must be repeated in order to confirm their results. This was actually the third or fourth Peanut Butter Banana Burrito produced in the SC kitchen. And here, we must admit that the results were pretty much the same as they were the previous times -- DELICIOUS! Seriously, and I know I say this after every supposedly "successful" culinary attempt, but I mean it now perhaps more than ever, you'll want to make one of these at home even if you're not the biggest fan of bananas. Why? Because peanut butter makes everything great. Unless, of course, you absolutely loathe bananas. Even the mighty PB isn't going to make you like this burrito if that's the case. But barring that, this recipe will make your tastebuds break into song. So enjoy! And eat in good health. :)
Blanka: THAT WAS FUN! WE DID GOOD. WHAT YOU GUYS WANT TO DO NOW?
L.B.: Weren't you listening? I'm getting the fuck away from you guys.
Carnage: Hey Rafiki, you still got those severed heads?
Rafiki: Sakaki-sue, I sure do! Why do you ask?
Carnage: 'Cause I'm hungry, duh.
Blanka: WHAT? THAT WHY WE MADE FOOD! FOOD IS FOR EATING! PARTAKE OF BURRITO!
Carnage: Look, I don't care what Wes says. I'm not eating that shit.
Wes: :( ... I mean... more for me, asshole! YEAH!
Carnage: Well, note that L.B. doesn't have any arms, which means he's been preparing this shit with his feet and face, not to mention that I cut up that banana with the same axe arm I've been using to split open cat anuses. You just think about that while you're chowing down.
L.B.: IT'S NOT MY FAULT I HAVE NO ARMS! Jerk. :(
Just click the image above! Simple, no? ;)