And now, Scary-Crayon presents...

A Random Lunch

by: Wes

Once again, lunchtime finds us in the Scary-Crayon kitchen...

Once again, lunchtime finds us in the Scary-Crayon kitchen...

Leatherhead: Oh, you betcha -- it be dat time for another Random Lunch, I GUAROWNTEE!!! But dat dere bowl be lookin' mighty empty! IT NEEDS FILLIN'! So what we got in store for dis here installment, Wyrm boy?

Wyrm: You're asking the wrong blue mutant flatworm, Leatherhead -- if I knew what we were serving up in advance, it wouldn't be A Random Lunch, now would it? However, that creates a problem... if our knowing what we're going to make defeats the purpose of the segment, and if choosing an ingredient before we use it entails our knowing what it is prior to the use of it, how ever will we randomly pick an ingredient in a legitimate fashion?

Leatherhead: Um... ol' Leatherhead dunno what de fuck you jus' said, but maybe de Turtlebot can help us out here.

Turtlebot: Random ingredients...? Processing... How about... frozen... vegetables...?

We'll start with frozen cut okra......and toss in some frozen french fries!

Leatherhead: By gumbo, dat be a brilliant idea! For my contribution, den, I'm gonna pick de number one veggie component I use in mah award-winnin' gumbo -- cut okra!!! An' frozen, not fresh, like de Turtlebot suggested.

Wyrm: That stuff is so slimy -- I love it! And in keeping with my grungy, sewer-dwelling, yet slightly trendy look, I'll go with the unhealthy fast food staple of the masses: french fries!!! Except not as greasy, since these are the frozen kind.

Needs HEAT before we can EAT! Hurrah for silly rhymes.

Turtlebot: Frozen okra... plus... frozen french fries (alliteration +3)... equals... Random Lunch... success! Grade: ACCEPTABLE.

Leatherhead: Hey-hey, hol' on there, pardner! Sure, frozen veggies be random an' all, but dis here be lunch, which means it got to be edible, an' while I ain't got no problem chompin' through a bowl o' frozen food, I don't think Wes an' de folks at home gunner enjoy dat one too much. No, we's gonna have to heat dis here lunch up!

Wyrm: Leatherhead raises a valid point, Turtlebot! With all your fancy systems and programming and the like, why didn't you catch that? FOR SHAME!!!

Turtlebot: Programming Rule #000.00000101: Garbage in... garbage out.

Leatherhead: Don't you sass us none, boy.

Two vegetables set sail that day for a three hour tour...
er... three minutes in the microwave.

Microwave for three minutes on high!Those frozen veggies aren't so frozen anymore, huh?

Turtlebot: Microwaving... complete. Is this Random Lunch acceptable for consumption...?

Leatherhead: I guarowntee it is... but somehow it jus' don't seem all dat random ennymore. How 'bout it, Wyrm?

Wyrm: Agreed, Leatherhead. But hmmm... what ingredients can we use to randomize this culinary experience?

It's JUST 2 GOOD!Not random enough...

Leatherhead: HOO BOY!!! I think that Hellmann's Just 2 Good! Reduced Fat Mayonnaise be jus' what we needin', pardner! An' de way they put that "2" dere instead of de word "too"? So random, it is, like dey think dey titlin' a crap movie starrin' rap stars an' martial arts masters! But it gets de point across -- dis here mayo is de shiznit! I guarowntee!

Wyrm: Alright! I suppose the mayo makes it a little more random... but the purpose of this segment isn't just to make a random lunch. We kinda hope it'll taste good, too... so I think we need something to give this a bit of flavor.

Turtlebot: Computing... done. Salt and pepper add flavor. Salt-N-Pepa add flava. ... Who actually... types this shit into my databank...?

w00t!!! HOW RANDOM!!!

Wyrm: And there we have it! Okra and french fries with mayo, salt, and pepper! SUCCESS!!!

Leatherhead: You betcha, pardner! Sure, it look like de leftovers from a bukkake vegetable fetish video, but can't nobody say it don't look like some random shit dere boy! I declare our work here is done, I do! Yeah...

Awww... what's wrong, Leatherhead?

Wyrm: Eh? Is something the matter, Leatherhead? You don't sound too happy with our masterpiece...

Turtlebot: The blue flatworm creature is correct... my sensors detect a note of sadness in your voice. Permit me to make an inquiry regarding your present mood...?

Leatherhead: Oh, dontcha fret none 'bout ol' Leatherhead here. It's jus' dat seein' dat dere okra... well... it kinda make me homesick an' hungry for some o' de gumbo we used t'have back home, before de swamp all rose up an' wrecked my fav'rite ol' diner on de bayou. Kinda funny how we always praisin' nature an' tryin' t'save de trees, when ol' Mother Nature herself don't seem to take no shinin' to us nor de things we hol' dear, y'know?

Heinz Tomato Ketchup to the rescue!!!The only ketchup with a political affiliation.

Wyrm: Damn, Leatherhead... I think that's kinda deep for A Random Lunch, and this is me talking! I enjoy depressing mental gymnastics as much as the next guy, but right now what say we focus on trying to cheer you up! So let's see... gumbo has lotsa tomatoes in it, doesn't it? So why don't we add some Heinz Tomato Ketchup to the mix!

Leatherhead: Why, dat would indeed make ol' Leatherhead feel better, I GUAROWNTEE!!!  :D

Turtlebot: And... to complete the random dish... my program suggests microwaving the food one more time... for... (computing random number between 1 and 100) ... 47 seconds.

o/~  LET'S HEATING LUNCH!!!  o/~


Leatherhead: HOO DERE LOLLIPOP!!! I do b'lieve A Random Lunch #7 jus' came to fruition, you betcha! Kinda reminds dis here gatorman of de gumbo Mama Harley used t'make... but a whole lot more random, yessir!

Turtlebot: Scanning... Random Lunch ... looks like... blood and puss and chunky snot and french fries......... ... What the ... FUCK ... system overloading... over... loadingwhatthehellhaveIdoneDorothyhelpmeI'm... melting... andTotohasfleas......

Wyrm: Uh... heh heh... technical difficulties, folks. While we, er, try to figure out what's wrong with the Turtlebot here... why don't you read the verdict on today's culinary experiment? THANKS MUCH FOR YOUR COOPERATION!

Enter: The 2-Veggie Mock Gumbo Mix!


Appearances aside, there's not a whole lot to say about the 2-Veggie Mock Gumbo Mix. Of course, that's not to say that it tastes like you'd expect a bowl of okra and french fries mixed up with (reduced fat) mayonnaise, ketchup, and salt and pepper would taste like -- whatever you'd expect that to taste like -- because it doesn't. If you've had okra before, it tastes exactly like okra with salt, pepper, and a hint of ketchup would taste like, and it tastes fairly similar to what steak fries with special sauce would taste like -- but separately. You could put a large spoonful containing both fries and pieces of okra into your mouth and you'd still taste them separately. Almost as if you had two separate tongues. It's weird like that. So given that there's no particular benefit to mixing these ingredients together -- you might as well be eating french fries and okra separately, and if you were going that route, would you really want to eat them with ketchup and mayo? It's not terribly disgusting, but it's not that great either -- I can't wholeheartedly recommend making this Random Lunch at home. Unless you reeeeally like the look of it, that is, and want to get rid of those frozen veggies you've got left in the fridge without breaking out a pan and a bottle of grease. Personally, I'd rather fry them. In pancake batter. Yep. Told you there wasn't a lot to say about the 2-Veggie Mock Gumbo Mix. It's sad, really.  ;__;


Poor Turtlebot...  :/

Leatherhead: De Turtlebot don't seem to be gettin' no better, by gumbo... I think maybe it be 'bout time for us to call up ol' Baxter de fly-man an' see if we can't reboot 'im some kinder way, eh Wyrm?

Wyrm: Agreed... hopefully exposure to the 2-Veggie Mock Gumbo Mix hasn't fried his circuits. I'll make the call.

Turtlebot: LOYAL SUBJECTS!!! I, your ruler... as in "the one who rules you"... not the kind of ruler used for measurements... for that is a different kind of "ruler"... will now do... for your viewing pleasure... THE DANCE OF THE PHAROAH!!!

Leatherhead: Ooh, wait! Dis here dance gon' be mighty entertainin', I guarowntee!!!

MAYDAY!! MAYDAY!! Turtlebot DOWN!!!Uh... peace o' cake...?

Turtlebot: ERROR!!! MALFUNCTION!!! VERY BAD THINGS!!! Alas, poor Yorick... *collapse*

Leatherhead: Well I'll be damned -- he done gone an' collapsed before he done did dat dance he promised dere!

Wyrm: I have no idea what the fuck you just said, Leatherhead. But as messed up as Turtlebot's system appears to be at present, I don't think Baxter would help at a distance, what with this most likely being a hardware problem. But not to worry! I'll pop Turtlebot open and fix him myself. Quoth the hippie on his birthday: PEACE O' CAKE!!!

Leatherhead: Uh... right. You sure you know what you're doin' dere, Wyrm boy?

Wyrm: Not quite... but I've been holding this mallet the entire time and I'll be damned if I don't use it for something.  :/

-- Wes --

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