(4/1/2005)
Dear readers, I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT!!! Once, it's true, I thought that Oprah Winfrey was the Devil him/herself, but after enduring the sight of her hideous grinning mug gazing upon her beautiful visage long enough to shatter my spirit into microscopic pieces to break through my stubborn wall of hate and the inability to embrace my inner moronic zombie slave woman, I now consider myself to be Oprah's biggest fan!
Therefore, having learned the error of my shameful ways -- I can hardly believe that I unfavorably reviewed Oprah's magazine on not one, not two, but three separate occasions -- Scary-Crayon will now be known as OPRAH-Crayon and will be devoted to praising her great and wonderful majesty ad nauseam, just like all of her guests do when they come on her show because they obviously love Oprah with all of their hearts and souls -- I mean really, who doesn't??? -- and not at all because appearing on Oprah ensures one endless wealth because the horrible zombie hordes will buy anything in mass quantities simply because Oprah endorsed it!
That said, welcome to the new Oprah-Crayon. Join me in giving this living goddess the adoration she deserves, won't you?
Oprah is THE GREATEST PERSON EVER and isn't at all a greedy, egotistical bitch who feels the need to stick her name on everything and manipulate the masses for the purpose of increasing her fame and filling her pockets!
because it actually has useful information for women and is in no way filled with a bunch of bullshit designed to rot your capacity for independent thought and make you just another of Oprah's mindless slavering slaves!
Even though his advice is pretty much common sense, you need Phil to tell you what to do. Why? Because he's endorsed by Oprah, and you should never ever ever do anything Oprah hasn't somehow approved! DUH!!!
by doing whatever Oprah says and buying whatever she endorses, even if that includes selling your soul in order to raise the funds to buy that hands-free vacuum thingy, because who wants to live in a dirty cardboard box?
if you ever find yourself denying the unrivaled beauty of Oprah Winfrey! If you ever see her without makeup and think, "DAMN, that bitch is hella ugly!" sever your tongue with a greasy, plastic spork and choke on it at once!