And now, Scary-Crayon reviews...
Fantastic Four Z Cardz
by: Wes

Fantastic Four Z Cardz!Ah, Toys "R" Us green tag sales, what ever would we do without you? You brought us Mary-Kate & Ashley's Dance Party of the Century; you brought us Batman: Justice Unleashed; you brought us assorted action figures and PS2 games and other junk we really didn't need because this room is fucking messy enough as it is -- all for 90% off. And now you bring us Z Cardz, "the cardz that turn into 3-D models!" And Fantastic Four Z Cardz at that, so we can pretend that we got them specifically for the purpose of doing yet another (extremely late) superhero movie tie-in article, when really we had these things back in February and are just now getting around to reviewing them! Hurrah!

So, Fantastic Four Z Cardz. Cardz that turn into 3-D modelz. Swapping the trailing "s" with a "z" suckz. I'm just trying to fill up space before we get to the actual review, 'cause there's really not much to say about these things in an introductory capacity. Much like Mighty Beanz (again with the fucking "z"), these pitiful products serve as "action figures" for children whose parents are either too poor or greedy to shell out the cash for the real thing -- and their compact nature ensures that kids can stuff them into their pockets quickly to avoid being laughed at by their Toy Biz figure-toting peers. These are the cheap pieces of shit that the companies release to milk a license for every cent that it's worth before being relegated to dollar stores and clearance bins -- and if you wait long enough, like I did, that's where you'll find 'em.

Still, they try and give you a little something extra so you don't feel like you've been cheated too badly. Yeah, you just spent however much money for what essentially amounts to a cardboard cutout that you could've drawn and pieced together yourself if you'd been so inclined (and when I was younger, since my parents didn't buy me all the toys I wanted, I actually used to make some pretty cool substitutes out of cutouts of my own drawings, tape, and brass tacks to add articulation), but at least they give you more than one "figure." Frex, Mighty Beanz are packed 3-5 beans to a pack, and here, with our Fantastic Four Z Cardz, we get the whole damned team -- and Doom to boot. That probably still wouldn't justify the original cost, whatever it was (remember, this $2.99 is a discounted price), but for thirty cents and a Scary-Crayon review? Hard to pass up.

Five cardz for thirty cents -- not bad!

So once you've got the cardz in your possesson, per the instructions on the back of the box, you "Choose a card... Punch out the parts... and build an awesome 3-D model!" Granted, the "awesomeness" of the models is debatable, but that's pretty much it -- excepting the fact that those instructions are deceptively simple for what is actually a slightly more involved process. Frex, they don't tell you that in order to "build an awesome 3-D model," you've got to squint to make out the tiny numbers on the card that dictate which parts are supposed to fit into where -- and heaven forbid you punched out the parts before observing those details, because then you've got to try and figure out exactly how the part was facing and which numbers correspond to which notch so you don't end up with a freaky Human Torch with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg.

Cool, but kinda pointless.

I don't think I'd hit that.Factor in that these parts don't always fit together so well and that with certain parts -- arms and legs, for example -- it's not entirely easy to figure out which way that part should face (especially since most of the attaching limbs don't get distinct numbers and it's not easy to distinguish a left leg from a right leg or Mr. Fantastic's dick from his asshole, which you'd think would be easier seeing as how that bastard should be hung like, well, a guy with an elastic penis). And given that you've got to do this five times over, you've got a task on your hands that borders on tedious and frustrating. Z cardz, yes, EZ cardz, no. One thing that occasionally adds to the frustration but is both cool and kinda pointless at the same time, however, is the fact that the cards have different images on their back sides (as seen above). It's cool because adds to the whole 3-D aspect, but it's not as if these cards look all that great from different angles! I mean, look left -- that's Jessica Alba's ass, folks. Kinda ruins the fantasy, doesn't it?

Fantastic Four, GO!!!But then, maybe the difficulty is the point of it all. I mean, if you'd spent a half hour piecing together cheap Parappa-style models of the Fantastic Four that can hardly stand under their own weight, despite having pegs attached to their feet to help with that (you actually have to fit those things on improperly to get them to stay upright)... you might get it into your head that perhaps they don't look so bad after all! It's cognitive dissonance at work. Hey, look, it's the Fantastic Four in the flesh -- and looking even better than their live-action counterparts (Jessica Alba's ass notwithstanding)! IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIME!

''You look distressed, Sue.''''YIKES! ... DOCTOR DOOM!!!''
''LET'S FIGHTING LOVE...!!!!''Invisible Woman is useless.
Obligatory bad guy line.Poor Johnny. :(

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