NOTICE: In more ways than one, the following article will unearth some of the inner-workings of this complex production we call Scary-Crayon. You may even choose to view it as allegory or metaphor. Doing so would not be inappropriate.
SO. Most of the pieces I write for SC are planned out weeks -- even months -- in advance. A number of folders on my hard drive are filled with photographs I took for articles way back in January, and every morning/afternoon/evening when I wake up I have to step over one carded toy that I bought ages ago for review purposes and that now sits covered with dust at the foot of my bed. Hopefully I'll get around to that soon. Anyway, the point is that while I may buy the merchandise and take the photos early on, many of the SC articles take ages to come to fruition in writing. The gaps, as you've noticed, are filled with installments of A Crayon Haiku (which are even written way in advance). This article, however, was totally unplanned -- today's scheduled update was going to be another quick Crayon Haiku. But then yesterday's visit to the mall was so fraught with weirdness that... Well, let me show you.
Like I said, I hadn't planned on writing a new article for today, so you know I wasn't at the mall looking for article fodder. I'd only come to mail off a short story and buy a few stamps -- and I'd already done that -- so I was just kicking around to kill some time before I went back to the house. And then I saw that really creepy display above, at left. It's a bald goth mannequin with drawn-in eyebrows that lend it an expression tinged with both surprise and fear. But then, you'd be surprised and scared too if there were disembodied women's crotches floating in the air behind you. So that was the first thing. Then, less than a minute later, I passed by the display on the right. I guess it's supposed to be advertising summer wear, but I don't know how I'd feel about wearing an outfit that causes a giant fern to grow out of one's left eye, not to mention that weird dandelion eyeball thing hovering ominously behind our wooden double-jointed model.
Just had to show you the scary mannequin and the floating crotches ONE MORE TIME. I've never seen anything like this display before...so I'm betting it's on loan from one of Hell's many department stores. Anyway, moving on...
And then, but moments later, I passed the following display. 90% off Easter crap, woo-hoo! Honestly, I probably wouldn't even have given this stuff a second look if a) it weren't 90% off and b) I didn't feel like that creepy mannequin was still watching me -- I figured I might find something here that I could use to distract its attention while I quietly slipped down the escalator and cut through the furniture store to get to the outdoors. Besides, everybody likes PEZ. Even people who don't like it. And mannequins. So while I didn't end up buying it, but I at least had to look.
So with the exception of the PEZ dispensers, you see we've got kind of a theme going here. On the left is "Spring Chick!", a chicken keychain that lays little miniature gumball eggs. On the right, you wind up the "Hippy Chicky" and it toddles along, dropping jelly bean eggs as it goes, 'cause it's a "free range WALKING chicken." It didn't have long hair, peace sign jewelry, or a joint in its pocket, nor did it smell like shit or eat chreese, so I don't see what makes this chicky a hippy, but whatever. That's not the point, and that's ultimately not why we're here.
No, it's the stuff in the basket behind them that eventually made me walk up to the cashier and fork over 88 cents for two of the items within. Those, friends, are the stars and subjects this review. We'll get to them in a moment.
Above, we have a birthday card that depicts a fat man who has eaten shit and died. I present that image as an introduction to the products that I unearthed from the mysterious basket. It's not my birthday and I'm not dead (yet), but by the end of this article I will, indeed, have eaten shit. ALL FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT. Hope you enjoy it. Also, it's kind of an odd card, don't you think? "Hey, happy birthday, buddy! Eat shit and die." I know it's supposed to be funny, but I still can't see giving this one to a friend, unless maybe it was one of those "friends" I didn't like very much. In which case I probably wouldn't bother to buy that person a card at all. We picked this one up in England way back in 1987, but it's worth noting that the company that made it is still in business. The next time you see one of those fat lady cards in Spencers, now you know the house to blame: Rockshots. They've even got cards with pig testicles. Bloody hell.
That said, meet Oops a-Daisy and Porky Pooper -- the farm animals whose shit you can eat. And yes, as the name "Porky Pooper" implies, not to mention the note that reads, "a super dooper porky pooper," they are supposed to be shitting -- I'm making this up just for the sake of a crude toilet joke...though I suppose it's possible that the cow's udder is located in its ass and it's supposed to be popping out curdled balls of brown milk. Either way, it's fucking sick.
Now before we get into the review, I'll be honest with you -- my digital camera has a weak flash. Perhaps you've noticed it in other pics around the site. Aside from the inevitable brightness/contrast adjustments to be made in the graphics editor, there's not a lot I can do about it. (At least, as far as I know. If you've got some suggestions better than, "Hyuk hyuk, buy a new camera!!!" or, "Make de inside brightaaah!!!" please e-mail me.) Usually the pics don't turn out too badly. Hell, outside shots are excellent, and indoor shots are generally manageable. But the Oops a-Daisy and Porky Pooper pics came out horribly dark. So dark, in fact, that I considered reshooting the entire article outside, letting the plastic animals do their doody and then proceeding to eat pigshit and cowpies off the pavement. But then I thought about it, and y'know what? This is an article, more/less, about ingesting farm animal feces. And anytime I -- I, who graduated from Yale with distinction in philosophy!!! -- am reduced to writing an article about ingesting animal feces, it is clearly a dark day. A DARK DAY INDEED. So it's entirely appropriate that the pictures reflect that.
Anyway, there's a portion scanned from the back of the cow's card. You pop their heads open, drop the poo into their necks, press down on their bodies, and watch as shit plops out of their asses. Simple! And here's the entire back of the pig's card, just in case you're interested in seeing the nutritional information and ingredients of pigshit. Oddly enough, corn starch is listed as an ingredient...which is pretty funny if you've seen people mining actual pigshit, since there tends to be a hefty amount of corn in there too. And note the original price: $3.95! I'm not sure I'd want to meet the person who'd shell out four bucks for the glory of pretending to eat farm animal feces, but eh, to each his/her own...
And now let's have a look at the
Including plastic farm animals! Assuming I did this right and it works okay in your browser, placing your mouse cursor over the above image on the left should display the function -- as you can (hopefully) see, I pressed down on the cow's back and it crapped a jellybean out. The shadow of my hand covers up one of the neat little details of the process, though, hence the right image. You still can't see it too well, so here's what happens -- as the cow shits, her tail raises! Just like a real cow when it shits! You can see it better in the drawing on the card, but yes, it's the real deal. The tail raises! I'm sure they could've made a shitting plastic cow without a raising tail, but no, they went the extra mile and gave it a touch of realism. You have no idea how happy that makes me. The tail freakin' raises!!!
So, thoroughly pleased with the cow's pooping performance, I moved onto the pig. Go ahead, move your cursor over the left image. You see what happened there? NOTHING. I tried several more times, but wouldn't you know that pig absolutely refused to shit for me. I didn't notice it then, but a closer look at the image reveals the difficulty -- the poor guy bit off more than he could
...and now you see the problem. That particular piece of poo was twice the size of the reg'lar turds -- you may not be able to see that protrusion in the center, but it's really like two poos were smashed together to make one colossal SUPER POO. I later fed it to the cow to see if she could crap it out, but not even her mighty anus could excrete the massive SUPER POO. That thing was more like a cola-flavored gallstone than an easy greasy piece of shit. So I ate it.
With the SUPER POO on its way to becoming decidedly less tasty human poo, the pig had an easier time relieving itself for our amusement. It's worth noting that even with regular-sized turds the pig only drops a loaf maybe two times out of ten -- perhaps the SUPER POO has damaged his bowels beyond repair? or maybe he's just defective -- but eh, it's an improvement. Go ahead, move your cursor over the image above to see the fruition of his poo-ition. And note the movement of his lil' curly tail -- like our bovine friend, his tail also raises when he shits! But do pigs' tails really move when they shit? This I do not know, for I've never actually seen a pig taking a dump. This makes me feel incomplete.
And here's something else you may or may not find interesting. While the pig only drops a single turd on a lax day, the cow routinely drops two loads at a time. Seriously. Where the pig goes, "Nnngghhh... plop," the cow goes, "plop-plop... Aaaahh." Thus, once again, the old adage proves true -- the bigger the beast, the bigger the poo. Mmm, rhymey.
So now it's time for me to eat shit. You may notice that this is the first time (I think) I've actually appeared in one of the articles, with the exception of some old childhood photos in other pieces. That's largely due to my slight annoyance with some other sites -- which I like; don't get me wrong -- that insist on displaying the staff in almost every other article, complete closeup shots so you can see every little nub of hair on their faces and inside their noses. I'd hate for Scary-Crayon to become like that, 'cause then it'd make me even more of a hypocrite than I already am. So I'd prefer that the action figures and the stuff reviewed be the real stars of SC. However, this is an article about eating shit, and I can't bring myself to debase my beloved action figures by making them do it...at least not before I've gone first.
In the first picture, I've just popped a turd into my mouth. Note the look of confusion on my face -- it says, "OMG, did I just pop a turd into my mouth???" The second picture answers that question. Yes, yes I had indeed popped a piece of shit into my mouth, and in there you see that I began to suffer for it. Not necessarily because it tasted terrible, mind you, but because I'd just taken photographs of myself eating shit. How humiliating! What you can't see in that picture, however, are the tears that I'm crying on the inside. Nor can you see my nose hairs, despite clearly being able to see into my nose. Why is that? Because I shave my nose hairs with a nose hair clipper. Impressed? You should be.
Here I give a triumphant thumbs up to signify that yes, I have eaten shit. And it doesn't taste too bad! In fact, shit tastes a lot like Coke. So the next time you get a Coke-flavored Slurpee from 7-Eleven, remember that you might as well be ingesting a cup of refrigerated diarrhea. Mmmmmm. So having first eaten the shit myself, I opened it up to the action figures. None of the others seemed all that interested, but that's probably a good thing -- Baxter Stockman came rushing over so fast that anyone in his way probably would've been seriously injured. Flies love their shit, you know.
Above, Baxter waits happily for the cow to crap out some tasty turds for him to devour. I think he would've preferred to have gotten them from the pig -- owing to the pig's varied diet, its shit probably offers a much more flavorful gourmet experience than that from an animal that mostly eats grass and hay. But alas, the pig was again suffering from constipation and was not able to provide Baxter with the sustenance he so craved. So he stared into the cow's ass with glee and waited for his meal to fall with the rise of the cow's tail.
And fall it did -- our friend the cow plopped out not one but two delicious doodies for Baxter to digest! I sure hope Baxter's eyes aren't bigger than his stomach, since each of these succulent shits is roughly the size of one of his oversized eyes! See the glow of delight on his face? That's not a result of the proximity of the camera flash, folks -- he is literally beaming so joyfully that his teeth are shining with blinding brightness! Enjoy, Baxter, enjoy! And folks at home -- you too can enjoy! Just go out and buy a bag of cola or butterscotch flavored jelly beans. You may not have a plastic farm animal to shit them out, but you can still pretend that you're eating shit, and that's almost as good. So what if it's not your birthday? As long as you've got imagination, you can eat shit every day...and you don't have to die doing it. ;)
Just click the image above! Simple, no? ;)