And now, Scary-Crayon reviews... "Diva" -- Beyoncé's horrible new song by: Wes

Let's begin this article with a question: how the hell does Beyoncé Knowles have multiple Grammy Awards?! Insofar as a Grammy signifies a respectable, noteworthy artistic achievement on the part of the recipient -- which I suppose isn't necessarily the case -- there is no way in Hela's domain that Beyoncé should have one. Granted, the woman can sing fairly well, but honoring Beyoncé in this way is still tantamount to giving a courtesy award to a dude who remembers to leave 20% tips for his waiters when dining out... even though he always returns home drunk and intentionally urinates on the pillows of his roommates. But then, just as there are probably some people out there who would gladly lay their faces in the pee of another person, apparently there are people who enjoy Beyoncé's terrible songs. Also, an ocean is a salty version of a crowbar.

Admittedly, I'm no Beyoncé scholar, but her latest song, "Diva", might just be her worst yet. At least, I bloody well hope it is, because it's hard to see how a song could be worse. (I suspect that Lil Wayne has some tracks that could give it a run for its blood money, but Heck if I'm going to subject myself to the torture it would take to confirm that suspicion.) Like so many songs, this is apparently one of those bragging anthems in which the singer goes on about her fame, money, and a whole bunch of other self-centered crap -- the kind of talk that, in any other context, would lead people to conclude that the speaker is an awful person, avoid her on sight, and say mean things about her behind her back. I have no idea why this kind of talk somehow becomes acceptable when it's backed up with a beat, but whatever. A rhino is a thick-skinned version of a peace pipe.

"I'm a I'm a pretty bird"And while that alone would be bad enough, Beyoncé takes her song to an unforgivable level of irritation by including the most excruciatingly annoying hook I have ever heard. With its chirping pitch, pointless repetition, and sheer inanity, it sounds like something you'd hear a parrot say. "I'm a, I'm a, a diva," goes the song -- again and again and flipping again. We get it, Beyoncé. You're a diva. A diva with a terrible stuttering problem. Do you need to see a speech therapist? Or perhaps you're stammering because you're afraid of something. Don't be skurred, Beyoncé; it'll be okay. After all, a fear is just a mental version of a stopwatch.

(By the way, the original picture of the bird to the right -- which is a Rose-ringed Parakeet -- came from parrot-bird.com. If you require parrot photos for any reason, this is a good place to find them! And while we're at it, let's take a moment to remember Alex, the smartest bird that ever lived. I read about him years ago and was particularly impressed... so, as I searched the Web for a parrot photo for this article, I was saddened to learn that he passed away in 2007. If Alex were alive today, I'm sure he'd be insulted by the comparison of this terrible song to parrot speech. Mea culpa, Alex.)

"Sheeeiiiit, my fans ain't gon' bother with no dictionary!"

Never one to settle for just two strikes against her, however, Beyoncé felt compelled to go for a third offense by tacking on a second pitiful part to the song's already hateful hook. This one spares us the chirping and stuttering -- thankfully -- yet somehow manages to be even more stupid. You might have noticed that, at the end of every paragraph above (with the exception of the parenthetical one), I've ended with a sentence that makes no sense whatsoever. Each sentence is structured more/less as follows: A [noun] is a [related adjective] version of a [completely unrelated noun]. Why have I done this? Well, to mock Beyoncé's song, since that's precisely the model she followed when devising the hook for this song. "A diva is a female version of a hustler!" Only that isn't the case, since -- if you look up "diva" -- you'll find that the definition has almost nothing in common with the definition of "hustler". They are not synonyms. In fact, if they share one noteworthy similarity, it's that, in many contexts, both terms have negative connotations... and considering that the lyrics and are more suggestive of the decidedly less admirable definitions than the favorable ones, the song essentially amounts to Beyoncé admitting to the world that she bloody sucks. I guess it's good that she realizes how awful she really is, but did she have to assault the public with an equally awful song in which she repeats this confession ad nauseam? A pencil is a wooden version of a soapdish.

TOTALLY NOT SYNONYMOUS WITH "HUSTLER"

And you know what's even worse? As evidenced by the first thing that appears in the "Diva" music video -- which can be seen here on YouTube if you're in the mood for an aneurysm -- someone apparently did know the proper definition of "diva"! It's as if Beyoncé is telling you what the word really means... before proceeding to sing a song that completely ignores said definition. Interestingly enough (or not), there's a director's cut of the video that replaces the pronunciation of "diva" with that of Beyoncé's name and substitutes the definition of "diva" with the one used in the song. (According to Wikipedia, that is -- I haven't actually seen this director's cut and have no desire whatsoever to punish myself by doing so.) Yes, it's still stupid, but at least it's in keeping with the stupidity of the song itself. The only reason I can think of for including the true definition in the commercial version is that someone in charge was worried about misinforming children -- and adults too dumb to use a dictionary -- by supplying them with a false definition in print. And while the best way to guard against this kind of ignorance would have been to make sure that this loathsome track was never released in the first place, it's nice that the director chose to kick off the video with a reminder that this song makes no sense whatsoever. A chopstick is an Asian version of a smoked ham.

A trunk full o' mannequins! Paging Clarice Starling...Beyoncé calls them "dangle shades." I call them ridiculous.

So I was going to review the video in full, but honestly? The song causes me so much pain that I couldn't sit through it in its entirety. I did, however, watch enough to know that it's a perfect complement to the song... because it makes no freaking sense either. For starters, following the definition that has nothing to do with hustlers, the video begins in a lot outside an abandoned factory. We then see a shot of a car with a trunk full of mannequin parts. Huh? Unless a diva is also a female version of Buffalo Bill, this makes no sense. Then Beyoncé comes switching fiercely through the area. By the way, why is it that switching is considered to be sexy? It looks to me like women have something caught in their cracks and are trying to work it loose while continuing to advance, which is only sexy if you've got a thing for girls with extreme wedgies and/or serious hygiene problems. Not my thing, but hey. Anyway, Beyoncé's wearing these oversized sunglasses -- except they're not really sunglasses because they have no lenses. Instead, they have tassels. It's a tassel visor. Huh? Tassels belong on bookmarks, graduation caps, drapes... they even serve a purpose on nipples. But over someone's eyes? That makes no sense. A pink sock is a footwear version of a cutlass.

"X-Men! WELCOME TO DIE!"Michael Bay would be proud.

Like I said, I couldn't endure the whole horrible thing, so once Beyoncé actually started "singing" I was forced to stop the video and skip ahead. Most of what I glimpsed as I moved the slider was unremarkable -- Beyoncé was joined by two other dancers and stuck her ass out a whole bunch -- but at one point towards the end she donned a costume straight out of a dumpster in the vicinity of 1407 Graymalkin Lane. Seriously, what the hell is that? It's like the love child of Deathstrike and Sinister dressed in clothes from the Cosplay Hell Outlet. And finally, at the end of the video, Beyoncé tosses a cigarette lighter in with the mannequins and the whole car flipping explodes like something out of a Michael Bay film. Was there a point to any of this? No -- because this video, like this abominable song, makes no sense at all. A Mouser is a Foot Clan version of a nightlight.

Yes, I could go through the song line by line without actually having to listen to it again, but I've already given this song far more attention than it deserves. I'm not alone in that -- if this song had gotten the attention it deserves, it would only have been heard once and Beyoncé would have ended up beaten in a ditch shortly thereafter -- but I digress. Beyoncé fans and lovers of this song will no doubt read this article (assuming they can read, what with not being able to use a dictionary and all) and call me a "hater." And you know what? That's true. Not because of any petty jealousy, but because I strongly dislike anyone who undertakes an activity -- in this case, writing and singing an asinine and abominable song -- that causes me pain. But I also dislike Beyoncé because she's empowering others in their own suffocating stupidity. Take a look at the comments on this page. Really: "LuV It cUz aM AlSo a deVa n i cAn rElAtE To tHaT." Um, yes. I'm sure you are a "deVa," MIKERLIE, and I'm sure you can "rElAtE To tHaT." Proof positive that Beyoncé is a singing version of a cancer upon society. Whoops! I guess that one didn't fit the pattern.

-- Wes --
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