And now, Scary-Crayon reviews... by: Wes Freaky fun for everyone! Yep, that was the Madballs tagline, and I can't think of a more appropriate one myself. Actually, Bet you'll wonder what the hell we were thinking when we came up with this! works pretty well too, but I digress. But you know this, of course, given that this probably isn't your first encounter with our spherical friends. Others have written about the Madballs phenomenon before, but believe me when I tell you that you've never seen the Madballs like you're about to. Besides, I haven't written about them yet, and nobody loves Madballs quite like I do. I mean, we go waaaaaaaay back. See? :) The actual toy balls were what started it all, but the real insanity didn't start until Madballs started branching out into other areas. Whipping up a batch of ugly rubber balls is one thing, but when you start trying to create a backstory for a batch of ugly rubber balls, you're bound to end up with something different, and when I say different I mean out of this world, literally, because the cartoon actually made the Madballs aliens from an enslaved planet. The comic story was a little different (they emerged from a pool of toxic waste), but throughout their various animated and print adventures the Madballs did everything from beat up evil vixens named Maiden Hong Kong and Gail Warning to play rock 'n' roll to perform Monty Python-esque sketches, bouncing aimlessly and punning horribly all along the way. Despite the fact that nobody who played with the toys actually understood any of this crap -- I was six when Madballs came out, and here they were punning on cornea (cornea on the cob, ha-ha) and making jokes about hemorrhoids -- Madballs madly bounced onward, plastering their ugly mugs on everything from coffee mugs to Valentine's Day cards to bubble bath. Because nothing says clean like a tub full of frothy Madball snot. Anyway, somewhere along the lines I lost track of the various kinds of Madballs merchandise, only to find them featured (on ebay, where else?) in coffee table funny books. Trust me, you're not ready for The Madballs History of the World. But slime waits for no man! I'm just going to give you the highlights, because there's way too much 144 fun (12 x 12 -- i.e., a gross -- get it? -- and yes, that's a Madballs original) here to be contained in one article. That would be like -- in fact, exactly like -- trying to contain a book of Madballs insanity on a single page. Well, maybe three pages. You get the idea. The book starts off with an introduction to the original eight Madballs: Skull Face, Crack Head (better known as Bash Brain; any guesses why they might've changed his name later on?), Screamin' Meemie, Dust Brain, Oculus Orbus, Slobulus, Aargh, and Horn Head. Then, in lieu of a table of contents, the Madballs offer up "Chapters You Won't Find in the Madballs History of the World". For your benefit, I'll list it in its entirety: A 30-Day Treatment for More Beautiful Saddle Sores How To Cheat on an Honesty Test Pain Can Be Funny How to Build a Coffee Table Out of Your Uncle How I Invented a Whatchamacallit To Improve My Memory 50 Amusing Games You Can Play with Your Brother's Face Overcome Shortness by Standing On Others New Video Games You Play Over the Radio 25 Living Things Under Your Sink That You Can EAT! Those are copied [sic] (sick!!!) from the book. Given the inconsistency with the capitalizing of 'to', I'm a little curious as to the meaning of all of this. Bear with me -- I've done a lot of extensive Madballs research, and it's very tricky stuff. For example, if you read the faux table of contents as an acrostic, you get A, H, P, H, H, 50, O, N, 25. Doesn't mean a whole lot, does it? I'd convert the numbers to letters, but there's no letter that corresponds to 50. We could use 5 and 2 instead of 50 and 25, but then we get AHPHHEONB, which doesn't mean a whole lot. However, the word 'Bone' is clearly contained in that mass of letters, so perhaps we're supposed to play the anagram game. Instead, I converted the letters to numbers, which yields 1, 8, 16, 8, 8, 50, 15, 14, 25. Now we could try and factor out things, etc., but I took the easy route and just added them together, which yields 145. Means nothing, right? Wrong. The gross pun gave us a number of 144, which is just one less than 145. How appropriate, then, that these represent "Chapters You Won't Find in the Madballs History of the World". See? That's how you have to read Madballs. Oh, you think I'm crazy now, but once you finish reading you'll be right here with me. If that's not incentive to follow the bouncing ball, I don't know what is. Following this test of your Madballs ingenuity comes "The Madballs History Test", presented by none other than Crack Head himself. By the way, it lists Crack Head as one of the authors of the book, and I'm thinking the actual writer giggled his/her ass off about that one because there's no way this book was written without some sort of chemical influence. And I'm not talking toxic waste, Mr. Crack Head. Quoting from our Madball friend's introduction: "Everyone says I'm the brainiest Madball. I guess that's 'cause my brains are spilling our onto the floor!" He later adds, "When someone asks me, 'Who found the Pacific Ocean?' I say, 'Gee, I didn't know it was lost!'" Well. I don't have a whole lot to add to that, so let's sample a few of the questions. Try not to blow a gasket or anything, 'cause these are tough. The War of 1812 took place in what year? What famous general said, "I'm going to stand here and fight until I win, or my name isn't General Andrew Jackson!"? What city was the Boston Tea Party held in? So you get the flippin' idea already. Every question has the answer written into it! Ingenious! What the hell did they expect kids to get out of this? Extra credit if you've got a sensible answer to that question. Ha-ha! Next up, "Great Moments in Madball History: Meet the Early American Madballs!" All eight Madballs have featured ancestor profiles, but we're only going to take a closer look at three. Because I value your sanity. Much more than my own, apparently... CAPTAIN JOHN SKULL FACE SMITH Wore a T-shirt that said: Puritans have more fun! Couldn't come over on the Mayflower because he got seasick. Had to take the train! Was first colonist to trade all his gold to Indians in exchange for brightly colored beads! His proposal of marriage was turned down by the beautiful Indian princess Pocadotdress because he refused to eat corn at the first Thanksgiving. Said he had trouble scraping off all the yellow stuff to get to the delicious cob! ... OCULUS PATRICK HENRY ORBUS Said: "I regret that I have but one life to give for my country, but that's the way the ball bounces!" Said: "Don't shoot until you see the whites of their eggs!" Said: "Give me liberty -- or give me a break!" Was sent back to England for saying such stupid things! ... PAUL SCREAMIN' MEEMIE REVERE A silversmith by trade, was first in the colonies to make beautiful silver pendants that were inscribed, "Kiss me, I'm a colonist." Tried to ride from village to village, warning, "The Redcoats are coming! The Redcoats are coming!" Was surprised when no one paid any attention to a rubber ball riding a horse! Told everyone, "One if by land, two if by sea, three if by bus." No one knew what the heck he was talking about. ... See those ellipses up there? Yeah, I'd intended to write something about the early American Madballs, but honestly? I've got nothin'. Well, I had a few thoughts, but they were more along the lines of, "Who the hell would write a book like this? And, more importantly, who would buy a book like this?" But then I would've answered my own questions, since I own three (that's 3 -- remember, numbers are important) copies of it. Draw what conclusions you will. Also, while the artwork and the fun facts are kinda neat, they really half-assed it with the names here. Or maybe there's a brilliant pattern I'm not picking up on, but I'll be damned if I spend any more time with this. Section, that is. Bouncing onward... Oculus Orbus presents... Madball Moments in the History of Science Quoth the eyeball, "My uncle was a great scientist. Once he mixed hydrogen, oxygen, carbolic acid, nitroglycerin, oxy-dioxide, tapioca pudding, hot fudge sauce, motor oil, kerosene, and strawberry ice cream with cherries on top together. Know what he got? No one knows. He ate it all before anyone could find out!" Okay. Besides the obvious wtf factor, let's take note of two important observances. A) OCULUS ORBUS IS A GIANT EYEBALL. Giant eyeballs have no mouths. Therefore, giant eyeballs should not be able to talk. This, actually, was recognized in the cartoon, in which Oculus Orbus never spoke nor ate nor belched. He just kind of sat there and blinked. He was seen and not heard! Perhaps the rules have changed because we're in print; now he's writing instead of speaking. However, that still doesn't resolve... B) Because Oculus Orbus is a giant eyeball, I assume his uncle was a giant eyeball. Or maybe not? I'm not sure how eyeballs would go about copulating and reproducing, and, quite frankly, I don't want to know. In any case, if his uncle is a giant eyeball, and giant eyeballs have no mouths, his uncle should not have been able to eat anything. Food for thought. Ha-ha! 1602: Scientist and litter bug Issac Pig-Newton discovers the human brain. Unfortunately, he discovers the brain under his coffee table! He sweeps it up and never tells anyone about it. 1783: The world's first talking fish is accidentally cooked in a Paris restaurant. Says the embarrassed chef: "Why didn't he speak up?" 1902: Famous scientist Bunsen Berner discovers 22 new life forms -- between his toes! Decides it might be time to take a bath. It's not like the chef would've understood anyway. Fish speak Hebrew, you know. So next up is Slobulus with History's Biggest Double Crosses! How's that for patriotic? Still, this section kind of sucks and you've probably heard most of the jokes in here before, so I'm going to spare you. However, have a quote from Slobby's intro: "Uh-oh....If this page is a little wet, I'm sorry. Drooling is my hobby, ya know. But sometimes I get carried away. Don't worry. It'll dry. In a year or two." Uh, right. At least the nasty green shit apologized. Rolling along... Aargh presents... Madball Laws You Should Know! "I love history books. They taste so good with ketchup and mustard! Law books taste pretty good too. But sometimes the page numbers get stuck in my teeth! I like to read law books to see how many laws I've broken this week! Here are some of the most interesting laws I've read and then eaten. How many laws have you broken this week?" Okay. That one almost served a positive purpose. Aargh appeared to be encouraging kids to read law books, but then he went and encouraged them to break laws. Damn you amoral Madballs. Of course, if they'd had any sense of decency, we wouldn't be reading this book presently. Maybe that's a good thing. But think, if ol' Doktor Frankenbeans had had any sense of decency, he'd never have thrown those rubber balls into that toxic swamp, and then we'd never have had the pleasure of throwing around a giant eyeball and a baseball with thick blue eyebrows and an enormous tongue. Please, no. Don't take away my Madballs. It's against the law to kiss a spicy salami while robbing a bank in parts of Illinois. It's against the law to give a sick porpoise a bath in the public drinking supply of Westport, Connecticut, without written permission of the mayor. In Hawaii, a pineapple must be read its rights before it can be arrested. In parts of Delaware, it is illegal for a restaurant to serve fried fungus to a customer who has ordered baked lasagna. A person who weighs more than 500 pounds is not allowed to ride a duck without a saddle in Reno, Nevada...unless the trip is less than three miles. There should probably be a law against publishing books of this nature, too. If you're still hanging in here with us, good on you. Take heart, child. We will not be here much longer... Horn Head's going to be pissed about it, but I'm skipping "The World's Worst History Jokes" entirely. They suck. Good to know he found them funny, though. Horn Head: No, what I find funny is that you're reviewing a stupid coffee table jokebook while I'm out getting laid! HA HA HA HAR HAR HA HA!!!! Up yours too, pal. Next up, "The 15 Least Read Books in History". Let's list a few: The Boiled Tongue Dessert Cookbook 1001 Yellow Jaundice Jokes 1001 Boiled Tongue Jokes The Joy of Choking Questions Kids Ask About Boiled Tongue The Madballs History of the World A) Someone's got a boiled tongue fetish. B) I did not add the last one to the list. "The 10-Least Known People in History" are unimportant and so will be skipped. But to give you a taste of what this section contained, "Cleopatra's Uncle Murray" and "Marco Polo Pony" are numbers three and four, respectively. You're welcome. FINALLY! Screamin' Meemie presents... The Madball History of Great Inventions Screamin' says, "Go ahead...read it. It's better than havin' a hungry gopher jump down your throat!" I'm inclined to agree. Inspired by the horse-drawn carriage (1640), Manuel Tiperiter designed the horse-drawn horse. It was a horse pulled by another horse. Tiperiter tragically drowned trying to invent the horse-drawn submarine! Alexander Graham Cracker did not invent the graham cracker. He was named after one. The invention of silent radio -- nearly 50 years before the invention of silent movies -- thrilled the world. Millions tuned in every night and couldn't believe their ears! In 1902, paper was invented that would not disintegrate no matter what brain-rotting, ridiculous words were printed on it. This wonderful invention made it possible to publish The Madballs History of the World! And this, you see, is the remarkable sense of self-awareness that permeates most of the Madballs media. At the end of the Madballs: Gross Jokes cartoon, for example, the Madballs are dropped into a dump truck and driven off as Screamin' Meemie suggests that they end the show with, "...something that'll show the world who we are and what we stand for." Meaning that whoever came up with this stuff truly knew it was balls-out insane, and, to use the words above, "brain-rotting" and "ridiculous," and still decided to unleash it upon hordes of impressionable young minds -- but to what end? I haven't a clue. Perhaps the Madballs lore is as complex as any holy book and will engage us in interpretive efforts for thousands of years, desperately searching for the great universal truths as revealed through disembodied horned cyclopes heads and skulls with green, shriveled brains. Perhaps the shriek of Screamin' Meemie will one day topple the walls that divide people and nations like Jericho's horn, bringing us all together in a united utopian society. Perhaps Slobulus will drool all over our shit such that it takes two years for women to be able to go outside without looking like they're entering a wet t-shirt contest. Perhaps that is a future in which I want to live. BONUS HAIKU!!! MAD(BALL) SCIENTIST!!!! Screamin' Meemie gives NEW LIFE... ...to a banana???  :/ -- Wes -- Psst...wanna make a PayPal donation to Scary-Crayon? Just click the image above! Simple, no? ;)