Initially, because of my unbridled love for vampires, I meant to write a response to an article written by Paul Welch of Moviebomb.com. The article? "Vampires: More stupid than Ninjas? Let the trial begin." Understandably, I was upset. I took it upon myself, then, to champion the cause of my blood-sucking friends, but my article ended up being way too long and heavy for a Moviebomb feature, which is where the following review first appeared. Now it's on SC, and I guess that still applies, and the review has already been written up, so here we go. In lieu of the piece that would have been entitled "In Defense of Vampires", though, I think the following picture will suffice:
Ergo, vampires rock.
That said, in addition to being found in Sunnydale, New Orleans, techno clubs, and with their teeth in your neck, vampires can also be sighted in an abundance of shitty movies -- despite the unlimited coolness of vampires, there are some films so horrible that even their awesome supernatural power cannot salvage these atrocities. Which brings us to the current movie being reviewed: "Sergio Lapel's Drawing Blood". This is, without a doubt, at least thus far, as far as I'm concerned, I kid you not, as I continue to delay the point, the worst vampire movie I have ever seen. EVER. And I've seen a lot of horrible vampire movies. (Update: Since writing this review, I did in fact watch a vampire movie worse than this. I'm not gonna spoil the surprise now, though, because I plan to review it someday...) Honestly it's so bad I've blocked most of it from my memory, so God help me I'm watching it again for the purposes of this review.
The movie starts off with a film reel display, with some beeps and crackling static on a flickering and spotty blue screen. Oh, there's a quote about how some painter used to mix blood with his colors -- a quote about some obscure figure is always a great way to begin a movie, you know. Then we're treated to the movie's first (and only) scene of full nudity. We're less than a minute into the film, folks, and already there's nudity. FULL nudity. Granted, we have no idea why there's nudity yet, but do we really care? Actually, I do. But why am I worrying? This is a Troma movie. I'm sure an explanation will be forthcoming. Amidst the fucking beeping and static sounds a monotone voice asks, "You've never modeled before?" So she's a virgin (*snicker*) model! She's also participating in some poorly written dialogue...
Naked Model: Is something wrong?
So do I, and it has something to do with the fact that I'm watching this movie when I could be doing something productive like calling a hit on the two actresses in this scene. Now they're doing the whole "do I make you uncomfortable" lesbian innuendo bit. Oh, isn't that sweet, the model wants the artist to think she's pretty. Okay this dialogue is shitty enough, so I've decided not to comment on every line. Continue, lesbians, continue. WARNING: Ominous sound. Methinks someone's about to get her ass eaten.
Toldja. The model makes a feeble attempt at crawling away before collapsing, and then the vampire artist puts a bowl under her neck to collect her blood. Yummy. But this blood isn't for drinking -- after repositioning the body, the vampartist proceeds to paint the dead model with it (that is, paint the image of the body on a canvas, not paint on the body itself), all to a lively viola number. Just so you know, this movie is filled with asinine music choices and random sound effects. The film reel beeping and crackling is still going on, by the way, and also during this first scene we've had chalk scratching, an alien cannon powering up, a zipper sound, and a creaking platform being lowered. Why? Because this is Drawing Blood, and it sucks. Any thoughtful attempt to give a satisfying answer would require too much effort for this movie, an opinion Sergio Lapel obviously shared. And it would likely cause your head to implode.
Next we meet Conner and Edmond, enjoying a casual evening stroll while discussing the ever important human need to fuck a prostitute. And lo, here's one who will fuck them both for $20! Conner's all excited about it, but if it were me, I'd pass. That could be glitter on her face, or maybe she didn't wash up from last time. She's homeless, after all, and the last time I checked boxes didn't have bathtubs. By the way, hygiene, or the lack thereof, will be another important theme throughout this movie. Obviously disappointed by her stench and piss-poor acting skills, Edmond says, "You make me sad." This movie makes me sad. Conner, on the other hand, jumps on the beast, and he and Edmond part company for the time being.
Edmond arrives at the vampartist's apartment, where she bitches at him for being a half hour late. You'd think she could've used the extra time to wash her face off and throw on some clean clothes -- she's still covered in blood -- but vampires and artists care nothing for hygiene. Diana is both. And she speaks in a monotone. Scary. As is the random creaking in the background and the shout of "Fine!" that sounds out of nowhere. Seriously, nobody in the scene said it. RANDOM. The next line, also, is delivered in this mysterious voice, although here it's obvious that Edmond was supposed to be saying it (although the words don't synch with his lips). Obviously, OBVIOUSLY, the actor missed a few lines and rather than shooting the scene again, good ol' Sergio just dubbed them in afterwards using someone else, because why give the original actor a second chance to fuck up? Sergio Lapel = S-M-R-T. Diana wants Edmond to find her someone older, because the blood of these young girls is "too thin" and tastes like "absolute piss." Diana's a hard woman to please. Bring me OLD homeless prostitutes. Weirdest fucking craving ever. If she weren't a vampire I'd swear she was pregnant. But then again, maybe vampires can get pregnant in Drawing Blood. If they can walk around in broad daylight, anything's possible.
Cut to Conner's place, where in the middle of screwing 2-for-$20 Whore he leans forward and takes a bite out of her neck. 2-for-$20 Whore responds by freaking out and leaving as Conner gives her the middle finger while giggling like a seek leetle monkey.
Meanwhile, Edmond buries the first girl's body and grabs a happy meal for Diana, if you replace 'happy' with 'ugly old hitchhiker'. Back at Diana's place, while the hitchhiker takes "the best shower ever" (she really says that afterwards), Diana begs Edmond to stay a while, which prompts an inane dialogue between the two that takes place in whispers and doesn't require their lips to move. And then she finally commands Edmond to "sit the fuck down" or she'll kill his father. Remember that. Also during this scene, a baby cries, probably to emphasize that Diana is treating Edmond like a child, but mostly because Sergio likes to fuck with out of place sound effects. So we see Edmond sitting on the floor like a little bitch when the hitchhiker comes out, but where's Diana?
She swoops in out of nowhere and BITES THE HITCHHIKER'S CHEEK OFF before sucking her blood. Note the red eyes. Also during this scene kiddie nursery music begins to play -- note Edmond's reaction. And the blood looks kinda like a goatee.
Edmond goes home and clicks on the television, incidentally to one of those public access channels that shows pictures of missing persons while playing 70s disco music. About forty girls cycle through, so clearly Diana's got a healthy appetite (which also supports my pregnancy theory). Edmond's remote is broken, so he sits there and endures the onslaught of the missing girls even though they're clearly torturing him, like this movie is doing to me. Cue dream sequence, where he relives the death of his mother. I hope my last words aren't as cheesy, but even more so I hope that after my death nobody pops my eyes open and sticks plastic fangs in my mouth. Actually, I lied. That would kick ass.
Man, the guilt's really getting to Edmond. I almost feel sorry for him, but then I feel sorry for myself instead because the movie hasn't even reached the halfway mark. So after being mobbed by a bunch of old guys crying about their missing daughters, Edmond runs into an alley to find $20 Whore giving a guy head. Pervert that he is, Edmond moves in to get a closer look, at which point the guy sees him and takes off running -- forgetting to pay and thus depriving $20 Whore of whatever she charges for blowjobs. We'll find out in a minute. In the meantime she begs Edmond to help her, crying and whining about how Conner bit her and how she didn't get paid then either. The best way for Edmond to help, of course, would be to let her suck his dick. For $5. Now even I have to admit it -- that's a bargain. Besides, if he catches something from her and dies immediately, I won't have to endure the remaining 50 or so minutes of this shit.
More crappy background music plays as Edmond offers $5 Blowjob Whore a shower (again we are reminded that hygiene is important) before he proceeds to take a nap on the couch. See, Edmond doesn't need a shower because he possesses the magical ability to somehow wash up and put on clean clothes during the transitions between scenes. $5 Blowjob Whore comes out in Edmond's clothes and shares a warm moment with him before Diana arrives on the scene -- waltzing in the open door despite that it's broad daylight, because vampires laugh at the sun in Drawing Blood. THEY LAUGH AT IT. Anyway, Diana's not happy to see Edmond with another woman, but she's still courteous enough to do what no other character has done yet in the movie: ask the prostitute her goddamned name. It's Dee. Hi, Dee. Diana expresses an interest in painting her (heh heh), but Edmond protests. Dee, on the other hand, is thrilled about it, so after Diana leaves Edmond has no choice but to throw Dee to the floor...
...and tie her to the bed. Because sex is her solution to everything, Dee offers to fuck Edmond if he'll let her go, but alas, the man is bent on saving her from the evil vampire that is Diana. And he tells her so, which leads into a flashback of how he first met Diana.
See, Edmond's hanging out at an art gallery, browsing some of Diana's work. He's really impressed and he wants to be an artist too, so Diana asks him to be her apprentice before fucking him right there on the spot in the gallery. But in keeping with her courteous nature, you know, when she's not eating homeless people and biting off cheeks, she does get his name first.
Back to the present, where Edmond spews some bullshit about feeling some strong connection for Dee. "I know this sounds pretty stupid..." Yes, Edmond, it does. But then Edmond's father, Marvin, arrives to save us all!
Dee: I ain't fuckin' no old man!
Show some respect for the movie's hero, for chrissake. If I were Edmond, I'd untie Dee at this point and fucking feed her to Diana, especially since following that comment she lets loose with a string of insults among which she calls Edmond a cocksucker. Keep in mind that this is a woman who, just an hour ago, begged Edmond to let her suck his cock. For $5. Resisting the urge to retaliate with Pee-wee's classic "I know you are but what am I?" retort, Edmond just gags the bitch (again) and leaves his Marvin to "entertain" her. He does some great impressions. You'll see. Soon. OH HOW SOON YOU WILL SEE.
Meanwhile Conner's fucking and biting another girl, but this one isn't fortunate enough to escape. After a quick and pointless scene where Marvin offers to make Dee some meatballs (which, by the way, will make for the greatest screencaps EVER), Edmond arrives at Conner's house. I dunno about you, but I wouldn't answer the door covered in blood. Naked. Especially if I had friends who would mutter things like, "Man, Conner had a little dick." OUT LOUD. Conner gets dressed and joins Edmond on his wacky vampire hunt.
In the car, after Edmond describes what he's going to do to Diana -- KILL THE BITCH -- in a voice that is not his own and does not synch to his lips, we flashback to how Edmond discovered that Diana is a vampire:
See? Definitely a vampire. By the way, this entire flashback is narrated by Edmond and plays in fast-forward mode with some twangy hoedown music in the background. Diana also spends a lot of time walking around in "this dubious predatory fashion." The writers also spend a lot of time with their pens up their asses (because they write shit, get it?) and this movie makes me spend a lot of time wanting to gouge my eyes out. Diana wants to make Edmond a vampire, but he's not game -- he doesn't want to commit. If he's got to be with her, he'd rather be her human slave. Obviously this is stupid, so let's return to Edmond's pad for the greatest scenes in the movie...
THE MEATBALLS ARE DONE! I had to take TWO screencaps because this scene is just gold. You know you want some meatballs. Dee apparently doesn't, because Marvin takes off her tape to feed her some...
Dee: Suck a dick, you wrinkled raisin looking motherfucker!
No meatballs for you, bitch. BUT! ALL IS NOT LOST! To compensate for starving Dee, Marvin sings a CANADIAN SONG THAT HE WROTE HIMSELF. He's a cook and a songwriter! For your benefit, I've transcribed the first two verses:
In old Montreal
At this point Marvin starts fucking up the lines and spitting on himself. He still deserves a grammy.
Meanwhile, a dramatic alien landing score plays as Edmond and Conner creep into Diana's apartment to find her LYING ON THE FLOOR. AND THEN, THEY SEE HER KILLER! During the struggle, my cage was broken. I leapt to Saki's face, biting and clawing, but he threw me to the floor and took one swipe with his katana, slicing my ear! Then, he was gone...and I was alone.
Oh how alone I am, watching this filth. There is no God.
So Diana's on the floor. The music then switches to a nice ballet recital number as Diana hops up and lays the smack down on Conner and grabs Edmond. Then she proceeds to talk for the next few minutes, berating Edmond for falling in love with Dee, mocking their weapons, introducing herself to Conner, and commenting on the fact that, while it's supposed to be nighttime, there is clearly sunlight shining in through the window. Edmond sees an opening and stakes her. She howls, spins around a bit, starts smoking -- COULD THIS BE THE END OF VAMPIRE DIANA?!?!?!
Sadly, no, but here's an interesting fact about vampires: smoking when staked is apparently just a natural defense mechanism meant to fool their enemies into thinking they've won, when really they haven't. Suckers. See, in this movie, only a vampire can kill a vampire. Diana proceeds to demonstrate this fact by staking herself, effectively ending the movie. Roll credits.
You wish. I wish. We all wish...for fish. Right. Diana takes the opportunity to brag about how she's revolutionizing the art world by painting nudes with their own blood, overlooking the fact that if the art world isn't aware of her "totally original artistic concept" it's not likely to create much of a stir. Still, points for intent. After some more pointless banter, Diana KOs Edmond and walks over to Conner as a shitty 50s record plays in the background.
Back to Marvin and his JIMMY DURANTE PLASTIC NOSE IMPRESSIONS. Dee's eyes go wide with fright, but it's not because of Marvin -- tense violin screeching resounds as a huge shadow fills the room.
Return to Diana's place, where Conner is telling a groggy Edmond what a cool vampire Carly Simon would make. "She had the mouth for it, you know?" Oh, and Conner now has fangs. And a NASTY neck wound. Edmond stands up and the camera circles around them while ballroom dance music plays.
You know what? I'm sick of commenting on the fucking music, so for the rest of the review just pretend that I did. Okay? Thanks.
Actually, the camera's not circling around them, because the shoes aren't moving -- the fucking floor is rotating. I feel dizzy.
Yes, there are shoes hanging from the ceiling. Diana = artist. So Conner explains that he's always wanted to be a vampire. He's always liked the taste of blood, but whenever he bites women, they think he's a freak. On the other hand, if he becomes a vampire, his actions will be justified! Dude, you're a character in this fucking god-awful movie -- anything you do is already justified. Moreover, I don't think the women will care whether you're a freak or a bona fide vampire when you're killing them and drinking their blood. Anyway, Conner spits out the fangs at this point, revealing the catch: he's not a vampire. Yet. Yeah, he's been bitten, but to become a full vampire he needs to KILL Edmond AND DRINK HIS BLOOD. What a pal. So they fight, accompanied by random explosion and ray gun sound effects, including the classic grenade launcher sound, "deedeedeedeedeedee-BOOM!" And then out of nowhere they segue into a discussion about Conner's sex drive. Conner explains that he could fuck a snakehole right now, which leads to a reconciliation and a friendly hug.
PSYCH! It was just a clever ploy to get close to Edmond's neck, and Edmond is forced to stake his best pal. Before Conner drops dead, Edmond apologizes to him for killing him, and to me for subjecting me to this bullshit movie.
Edmond returns home to find a note from Diana, who has kidnapped Dee and whisked her off to the graveyard. He must save Dee and kill Diana, but how? HOW?!?!?!? And here he notices Marvin lying on the floor, mumbling something about how he could fuck a snakehole right now. Do you see where this is going?!?!? Marvin has been bitten, and ONLY A VAMPIRE CAN KILL A VAMPIRE. Sergio Lapel = brilliant, where by 'brilliant' I really mean 'deserving of the most horrible torment conceivable in this life and the next'. It's clear what must be done, but Marvin just keeps going on about how he really wants to get some hookers. Edmond tells Marvin that vampires get laid A LOT. Marvin's game.
So they drive into the bad area of town. Marvin waits around a corner with a knife while Edmond lures an unwitting homeless man into their trap with the promise of money. Money FOR HIS HEART MEDICINE. Poor Homeless Guy's had a heart condition since Vietnam. This is important, because Homeless Guy gets the jump on them and takes Edmond hostage with the knife, but has a heart attack and falls over, giving Marvin the opportunity to take for-fucking-ever before stabbing him in the throat. Edmond collects the blood in a discarded beer bottle, Marvin drinks it, and BAM, he's a vampire. Off they go to kill Diana in broad daylight while Marvin whines about how he was looking forward to dying so he could meet up with his wife again. Well, I was looking forward to watching a decent vampire movie when I bought this shit. We're even, fucker.
I said I wouldn't mention the music anymore, but look at the pic above and fill in the blank. So they find Diana and Dee in the graveyard, which is inexplicably located in a forest, and Marvin reveals his fang. Yep, fang. Singular. A one fanged vampire. And it's a bottom tooth. More of a werewolf look, really, but still, whatever. We're almost at the end, so let's get this shit over with quickly.
CAR CHASE. Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, oh yeah.
Struggle! Marvin jumps in and FINALLY stabs Diana with a paintbrush (get it?) and she proceeds to die while roaring and whipping her head like in the Herbal Essences commercials. OH YES indeed.
And where she once stood, there now burns a flame animated gif over a pile of goo. After the obligatory kiss with Dee, Edmond paints Marvin and Dee with Diana's remains. Roll credits. Sweet credits. Sweet roll credits. With cinnamon.
Final thoughts: I fucking hate this movie. Diana never got to have her vampire babies. :(
Vampires still rock, though.
Just click the image above! Simple, no? ;)