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So it happened that one day I was actually awake before noon (gasp!) and, having nothing better to do, parked myself in front of the television with a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and a bottle of egg nog and proceeded to watch "The Maury Povich Show", also known as "The WHO MY BABY DADDY?!?!?!? Show". Occasionally they have other topics, like "Am I Overfeeding My 250 Pound Baby?", but 95% of the time when you turn on Maury you'll see some woman either weeping or shrieking about how one of the thirty guys she slept with around the time her baby was conceived refuses to "take care of his bid'ness like a real man." And unfortunately that was the topic on that fateful day I sat down with my pebble-nog and gave Maury the opportunity to entertain/utterly disgust me once again.
However, all was not lost. During the commercial breaks, sandwiched in between advertisements for accident law firms and medication to suppress genital herpes outbreaks, commercials for upcoming Maury episodes revealed that, during this particular week, at least two out of five episodes would involve something other than the neighborhood slut's one-in-two-hundred chance of discovering the paternal parentage of her newborn child. And what luck! One such episode was airing the following day! The topic? "I'm Madly In Love With My Complete Opposite".
"Well," I said to myself, "if I'm awake at this time tomorrow, I'll definitely watch." Of course, I said this knowing full well that, in all likelihood, I would not be awake before noon two days in a row, and therefore would be spared the horrors of a second episode of Maury. But then, I figured that the episode might be perfect for a Scary-Crayon experimental review. You see, I don't own a television capture card, but I do have a digital camera. Why not just photograph pictures of the television screen? I figured it wouldn't work, but it was worth a try. Yes, it sounds kinda silly, but understand that I didn't really plan to do it. Because there was no way I'd be up at that time again. Or so I thought.
And then I rolled out of bed at 5 AM the next morning and could not for the life of me return to sleep.
Opposite Couple #1: Whale in Leather & Weird Poet
Before the final result of a horrible mishap involving Jabba the Hut, a motorcycle gang, and a truckload of TGRI chemical wastes oozed onto the stage in a quivering mass of fleshy lumps, the show began with Maury talking to this grey-haired twerp. And trust me, what came later was horrifying, but actually between the two of them -- despite the woman's terrifying appearance -- the dude turned out to be the freakiest. How is that possible, you ask? Before she came out, he waxed poetic about his lardy lady love, calling her his "goddess", among other praises, like so:
Twerp: Standing next to her is like swimming through a sea of...ecstasy...
Maury: Do you always talk like this?
So when he reached the height of his insane verse, like the result of a botched character summon resulting in the hideous merging of everyone in your RPG party, she came wobbling out onto the stage. I'd like you to note -- if you dare -- how little of her body, particularly her ass, is actually covered. Fortunately for you, you can't see it, but I was not so lucky. Yes, to the delight/nausea of the audience, she had the "self-confidence" to turn around and shake what her momma and ten-thousand Twinkies and a lifetime of swallowing small children whole gave her. Ugh. And by the way, I couldn't tell, but those things hanging out from beneath her top could very possibly be her breasts. And you know what? I kinda hope they are. Because if not, that means she's got some really tiny breasts, and somehow that would make her seem even more freakish. 500+ pounds and little breasts? My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?
Opposite Couple #2: Granny & the Kid
You know, this one really wasn't all that interesting -- hence the single screen cap -- so I don't have a whole lot to say about it. Yeah, she's sixty-something, he's in his twenties -- but so what? I think part of the problem is that he's such a loser -- I look at him and wish somebody would get the door (it's Dominoes) -- and that she, for her age, really doesn't look bad at all. Seriously, if she dyed her hair and junked the granny glasses, she could easily pass for fifty, if not forty-five. Hardly a wrinkle in sight, and somehow she's got better breasts than some women half her age. Actually, Maury asked her how she kept them so firm, but I forgot what her secret was. Did I mention she's a stripper?
Opposite Couple #3: We Come From Funhouse Mirrors
The text is in the images, so I don't got a lot of 'splaining to do -- Bree is 7' and her man, Napoleon, is 4'6". By the way, what parent would name a midget "Napoleon"? What parent would name a kid "Napoleon", period? Napoleon is a name for French emperors and mutant frogs -- that's it. Again, not a whole lot to say here, I guess because I'm not big on making fun of midgets and I sort of envy tall people, so I can't make fun of her because it would be personal and I try to avoid that sort of thing. Plus she looks like a permanently deformed Stretch Armstrong toy and she's ugly as all hell. When asked why she would date such a little man, Napoleon proceeded to demonstrate by walking face-first into her crotch, thus implying that he dines on Bree quite often. For his sake, I hope this Bree smells better than the cheese.
Opposite Couple #4: "Businesswoman" & Buckskin Bill
Only one picture for couple #4, but that's only because it says it all, really. The segment started off with Marian alone on stage, talking to Maury, so I was all set for it to be a dud. They kept trying to play her up like she was a successful and respectable businesswoman -- mostly because of the way she was dressed. As for her attitude, I wouldn't be surprised to run into her in a gritty sports bar, sitting on a stool at the end of the row, loosely holding a cigarette in one hand while holding a martini glass filled with SoCo in the other. Thinking over that image again, I guess the martini glass might make her look a little more sophisticated, but c'mon. No really respectable person -- except maybe a televangelist -- would ever be caught anywhere near the tepee of Buckskin Bill. Yes, he lived in a tepee. Amazing. So Bill really saved the segment, especially with his jokes:
Buckskin Bill: I'm a man of the nineties. The SEVENTEEN-nineties!!!
And let's not forget his comment on their sex life:
Buckskin Bill: You gotta go through the briar to get to the berries.
Oh, Buckskin Bill, you crack us all up with your delightful frontier humor.
Opposite Couple #5: Old Pimp Fossil & Leopard Print Lardy
Bloody hell, what's wrong with these pictures? So many things, and the worst is yet to come. First of all, check out the old guy's outfit. Pimps are pretty laughable to begin with, but this guy is SEVENTY. Second, check out her pants. Oh, I know it's horrible, but in a moment you'll get a much closer view than you want to anyway, so you might as well look now. Leopard print. And spandex.
Geezer: Heh heh...I like her to be on top of me.
Maury: Have you always liked 500 lb. younger women?
How many 500 lb. younger women could there be, I ask? I ask rhetorically, I mean; this is America and I don't want to know. Any number you quote will be, like the numbers on these women's scales, much too much. So the 500 lb. fatty is wearing leopard print spandex pants. I know what you're thinking to yourself. "At least she's covered up, unlike that last lardball..." And here's where I have to step in and say, "That's bad." See, before, when almost every inch of the lady's cellulite ridden flesh was exposed, Maury stepped in to block. I didn't tell you that the poet twerp kept trying to grope The Blob during their segment, but, because she was practically naked, and because it was so hard to tell whether those folds belonged to her gut or her thighs, Maury kept saying things like, "Hey! Watch your hands!" and at one point stepped in between them to keep the guy from fondling her. That coat she's holding in the one picture? Yeah, Maury gave that to her, after which she used it to cover her quivering ass. It proved to be painfully inadequate, true, but at least Maury tried. Here, the lady's covered up, so what's the danger? Maury gave them free reign. Observe:
I'd also like you to note that this is not the result of me zooming in on the screen. Check the distance of the Maury and WB50 logos -- in the other pictures they're on opposite sides of the screen. Yes, her ass filled the screen. Ugh.
Opposite Couple #6: Guy in Suit & Woman Who Stole Chyna's Outfit
Two pics, but this was easily the least interesting couple of the bunch -- I only kept the right picture below because Tom's hand is all blurry and I think it looks funny, like he's giving Kevin Bacon from Hollow Man a handjob or something. Basically his story is the same as Marian's above: "I come on Maury wearing a suit, so obviously I'm all prim and proper and businesslike and conservative." Whatever. So then Tom started detailing his love for Desi:
Tom: She's so hot, I get a sunburn standing next to her.
I'd like to take a moment to point out the error of that statement. Yes, I understand that it was not meant to be taken literally, but it's still wrong, as it implies that very hot things will give you sunburn. On the contrary, the only very hot thing that will give you sunburn is the sun itself. Have you ever heard a person say, "Help! My home is burning! We're all going to die of sunburn!!!"? No, of course not, and if you ever do that person will be wrong. So of course you should not help the bastard and let the fire cleanse the earth of morons like God intended. That said, we now return you to your regularly scheduled program.
So Desi comes out in the gear Chyna used to wear before she got all sissified and Joey Buttafuoco battered her ass but good. I expected her occupation to be kind of wild and risque -- a stripper, maybe even a prostitute -- but no, she's a nude model. "Ooohs" and "aaahs" from the crowd, but it's hardly a profession befitting of a "wild woman". Yes, artists treat models as objects, but not sexual objects -- they're just objects that one renders on canvas, much like hand-woven baskets filled with wax fruit. I guarantee you that if the artists truly wanted the models in "that way", they sure as hell wouldn't be painting them. They might paint on them, though. Anyway, this couple sucked; next please.
Opposite Couple #7: Small Rat & a Bag of Pork Grinds
Okay, first of all, what's up with the smarmy weasel-men and their love for hippopotami? Note that Richard is dressed pretty much exactly like the first guy, even down to the glasses. Scary. So you've already seen Kim, but like all of the other segments this one began with the skinny toady talking about how he met Kim, etc. So get this. He met her one night at a club or something, and in only three days he asked her to move in with him. What? Oh, and then three days later (so six days total), he asked her to marry him. DOES THAT SOUND REALLY CREEPY TO ANYONE ELSE??? Which isn't necessarily to say that I disbelieve in love at first sight, but still... there's a whole lotta sick involved when you take into account that that first sight is this:
Kim: We are the Frankenstein of freaks!
Yes, she really said that, in response to Maury's question about their sex life. Hey, I've got a question. WHY THE HELL DOES MAURY KEEP ASKING THEM ABOUT THEIR SEX LIVES? I bloody don't want to know about them, I'm bloody sure you bloody don't want to know about them, and moreover I'm bloody sure he bloody doesn't want to know about them, so why the bloody hell does he keep asking? I hope I get the chance to go on Maury's show someday; I'd return fire and ask how often Connie sucks his dick and whether she swallows or not. I don't wanna know (okay, well, maybe I do), but it sure would teach him a lesson. So then Maury says, "Well, Kim, I hear that you like reggae music!" I figured he'd give her a reggae CD or something, or maybe a coupon for some Jamaican meat pies, but NO! The lights dimmed, a spotlight hit the stage, reggae music started playing...and, well, you see the right picture above. There was sloppy humpty grinding, people. And then there was silence. But not in Hell. There, Satan was laughing his sick ass off.
Opposite Couple #8: Another Damned Tall & Short Pairing
I couldn't even think of an interesting subhead for this one. We've seen it all before, except last time the tall person, Bree, was Big Show tall, and looked like an ugly Dollar Tree bendable figure, so there was more to say. And the guy's name was Napoleon -- that helped too. Here? The guy's only something like 6'8", which is quite tall, true, but it's not 7'. I don't remember their names, but I can assure you that they weren't very interesting. And she can't even walk face-first into his crotch! They've been upstaged on multiple counts. Sorry guys; you should've come sooner. Their story did have its merits, however -- apparently, she won her man by stalking him and eventually getting him drunk. Yep.
And here's the sweet part: they've been married for 21 years. Go on, say, "Awww"; you know you want to. They've also got three kids, who were shown from backstage and whose picture I took, but since I'm really averse to picking on kids I refuse to post it. Suffice it to say that they're all "little people" too, and seeing those squashed and deformed looking kiddies makes me kind of angry that their parents would have them. Unless they get lucky and meet people who are suckers for stalkers and booze, those kids are in for some pretty shitty times. Oh, and the tall guy here thinks his wife's most attractive feature is her butt. Yes, he'd rather look at her butt than her face. How sweet is that? Answer: It isn't; in fact, there's something disturbing about it. Plus I imagine her butt is kind of dumpy, but owing to her tasteful and unrevealing black dress I'm glad that I can't say that with absolute certainty.
BONUS!!! THE RETURN OF
Yep, they gave him a makeover. Which is to say that they took everything that was unique and interesting about him sent it straight to ye olde dumpster. I GUESS HE'S A CONSERVATIVE RESPECTABLE BUSINESSMAN NOW TOO, GYUR HUR HUR!!! This sucks. He's not even Buckskin Bill anymore. He's just lame-ass "Bill" now. Maury took a good thing and utterly ruined it. And for that, I hate him. Show's over; roll credits.
So that about wraps it up. The moral of the story? Don't ever wake up before noon, or, if you do, make sure your ass is at a job/in class/living in a tepee/anywhere except in front of the television watching "The Maury Povich Show". But if you do happen to find yourself faced with the horrors of Maury, make sure you've got a digicam at your side so you can document the experience and share your pain with the world at large. And who knows; you may luck out and actually get one of the few interesting episodes. There was really no frickin' way I was going to be up before noon for three days in a row, but it's worth noting that on the next day's episode Maury's guests were to include a 43-year-old woman who married a 13-year-old boy. His take on the relationship? "We like the same stuff." Oh, like sex with someone you ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT BE HAVING SEX WITH EVER? And you know Maury asked about their sex life, too. Ugh. At least the episode of "The People's Court" that was on afterwards was interesting enough...
Harvey Levin: For the record, I think this guy is absolutely nuts to make a murder threat on television.
Yeah, I know, I should've reviewed that instead.