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PART 3!!! Oh, right. Forgot about that. But hurry, Saint!!! You've only got 100 seconds to beat Dark Mu! (Not that that matters, of course, since you were only supposed to have three minutes as Super Turtles and you've been them forever...)
Up in space, the NASA captain is still bitching about the glasses. Then Dark Mu and the Turtle Saint zip past, and the shuttle grows eyes and starts shouting and moving around. Seriously, it puffs angry steam and curses and everything. Yep. I <3 Japan. Dark Mu tosses a dark energy frisbee at the Saint, misses, and the projectile nearly hits the now living shuttle...which responds by shouting some more and then zipping the hell out of there.
Dark Mu gets ready to fire another blast, but apparently the Turtles have to work together in order to move the Saint. They're not too good at that, so the Saint makes all kinds of crazy poses while we hear all of their voices bicker about the proper dining table arrangement for rice and chopsticks and miso soup. I don't know either, but look above -- I'm not making this up. Also, note the size difference. Dark Mu nails them and then throws out a traditional Japanese insult.
And then Kris Mu grabs her from behind, causing her breasts to bounce. By the way, it's been longer than 100 seconds.
Kris Mu tries to power up and imprison herself along with Dark Mu, but she's not strong enough -- the Saint is going to have to break out the Mega Final Saint Break and destroy them both!!!! Anyway, the Turtles don't want to do it, but...
Splinter comes through with a telepathic communication (bad.ass.) and convinces them that it's the right thing to do...if they can pull it off. Apparently, the Mega Final Saint Break will require them to "synchronize their hearts," whatever that means. But Splinter believes in them! Besides, Kris Mu won't die -- she's a spirit, so she'll just be imprisoned inside a crystal again. And the Turtles could always reawaken her! Woo hoo!
So of course they unify their hearts and get the job done. (And I thought it was called the Mega Final Saint Break? Whatever.) Dark Mu screams in agony, the Turtles cry out for Kris Mu, Kris Mu says her goodbyes, and then -- it's over. And just in time! As soon as the explosion finishes, the 100 seconds finally run out. The screen goes white...
...and the Turtles die, due to lack of oxygen and imploding and all. Just kidding -- the captain of the space shuttle picked up the floating Turtles. Michelangelo asks for pizza, so you know everything's okay. The Turtles look out of the window and see the crystallized Kris Mu and Dark Mu floating in the distance. They extol Kris Mu's virtues, say their final goodbyes, and leave her inside her crystal shell to drift off into the cold void of space as they head back home. Oh, and because Kris Mu was responsible for the Mutastones, now that she's gone the Turtles can't transform into Super Turtles anymore. Which pretty much means that all is right with the world again.
Except for the flooding and drowning and dying and soggy dead bodies and destruction and all.
As we close, I'd like you to take a moment and ponder those lyrics: If we all learn to dance together, even angels would dance in the sky. You've never heard more beautiful words from a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon theme song, nor will you hear another song, period, that, in addition to having such a heartwarming message, offers such wisdoms as "love is incomprehensible" and "pizza is hot." (FYI, MikeysTMNT.com has the entire anime soundtrack available for download in its fun stuff section, in addition to a bunch of other TMNT-related music. The site's got other great content, too -- definitely worth a look.) But in all seriousness, "Mutant Turtles: Chôjin densetsu hen" is one of the few truly amazing things I've encountered in the duration of my short life. I'm tempted to say that nobody should go without seeing it, but that's especially true for TMNT fans -- it's like Sailor Moon whipped out a dildo and fucked Leonardo in the ass in a porno directed by the Red Ranger. And it's in Japanese, with subtitles (unless you get ahold of a fandubbed version), so that only adds to its wacky foreign appeal. Track these episodes down at any cost -- you won't regret it. Still, if you can't, don't worry; I'll be reviewing episode two someday. But in the meantime...chew your gum properly. :)
Just click the image above! Simple, no? ;)  |
![-The right? Your [sic] supposed to place a rice bowl on the right side, right? -No! Your [sic] supposed to place chopsticks on the right side. -Then where are you supposed to place miso soup? Also, Dark Mu is tiny.](tmntova-41.jpg)
