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PART 2!!! Outside, Shredder, Bebop, and Rocksteady finally reach the top, and there's Yukimura pointing to the mirror! It looks as though the bad guys have won, but suddenly Kinzo and the ninjas appear from the other side and toss a bunch of fake mirrors into the air! The real mirror is knocked from its perch and scattered among them, and the ninjas begin laughing at the bad guys. "How do you like it?" Kinzo cries. "You'll never know which one's real." However, apparently Kinzo doesn't know either, so everybody drops down on hands and knees and begins searching for the real Inside, despite having the advantage of stairs, the slow Turtles still haven't reached the top of the building. And then, to make matters worse, a red glow appears in front of them...
But the Turtles just run right around him and keep on going.
Up top, Yukimura discovers the real mirror and starts up again with the pointing and the insane laughter -- and Shredder and company get to it first. As the Shredder gazes into the mirror, an incantation appears on the face of the it as the stones on back begin to pulse with energy...and then, far off in the distance, some animal things descend from a mountain and bathe all in a pink crystalline glow. The Turtles finally reach the top, but they're too late...THE DARK GUARDIANS have been freed, and they've bonded with the evil ones! Now, the Turtles must contend with... As shown above, Bebop combines with the WHALE DARK GUARDIAN to become METAL BEBOP. It looks more like a piranha, really, or even a snakehead from that awful Jaws wannabe that played on SciFi the other week, but eh, it's still pretty cool. When Bebop dons the armor, the look almost reminds me of Bishamon from Capcom's "Darkstalkers". Now this is cool shit. Bebop got a lame whale -- aren't they supposed to be peaceful animals? -- but Rocksteady gets a freaking hydra. Yeah, Moby Dick was pretty badass, but it took Hercules himself to bring one of these things down. So with the power of the SNAKE DARK GUARDIAN, Rocksteady becomes METAL ROCKSTEADY. He is a mighty one. And yeah, Shredder joins with the TIGER DARK GUARDIAN to become the METAL SHREDDER. Still cool, but kinda average -- yeah, Bebop had a whale, but when's the last time you saw a villain come at you with whale power? And nothing's trumping Rocksteady. I wish they'd made figures of those two, but alas, Metal Shredder was the only one of the three to be immortalized in plastic and shiny silver paint. For that reason, somewhere tonight, someone's crying. So things don't look good for our green heroes, but Kinzo notes that there's still a way for them to summon THE GUARDIANS OF HOPE -- he just needs the Turtles to buy him some time while he employs ninja cunning to snatch the mirror from Shredder. In the meantime, the Turtles rush forward to face their supercharged foes...and are met with... SPECIAL MOVES!!!!!! Yep. Bebop gets things started with the GREAT KILLER WHALE WAVE, spinning around and then letting loose with a tsunami from the mouth on his armor. I'm not exactly sure what that's supposed to do. Given that the Turtles are turtles and all, he's obviously not trying to drown them. But they did run right out without showering this morning, so maybe Bebop's trying to convey another message here: "You guys fucking stink; here, have a bath." Sure, during a heated battle, the salty scent of sweat should fill the air, but the smell of ass should probably be relegated to the public restrooms. Which I guess is too bad for the Turtles, since they appear to like it -- so maybe this assault is designed to lower their morale. Or maybe Bebop just finds it really hard to concentrate when his opponents smell like sewer shit.
Capitalizing on the Turtles' distraction, Rocksteady continues to keep the Turtles' deadly funk at bay with the METALLIC SNAKER. Sure, Bebop washed their asses good, but what has he done about their breath? They didn't have time to brush or use mouthwash either, after all. Rocksteady's solution to the problem? Choke the hell out of them so they can't breathe. But he eventually lets them go, because if he killed them they wouldn't learn their lesson.
The Shredder, on the other hand, wears a metal suit of armor that he never takes off, so he could care less about imparting lessons on cleanliness -- he'd rather just blow the Turtles up. In case you can't tell what's happening with the TIGER BREAK, Shredder strikes a pose, goes all dark, and then a tiger spirit leaps out of his chest and brings the pain. So yeah, there's really not a lot to say about this. Simply put, the Turtles are getting their asses wrecked.
Somehow the mirror was knocked flying in the explosion that resulted from the TIGER BREAK, and Kinzo and his team are in position to catch it...when it's intercepted by KRANG!!! He tells his peeps that they should get going now, but Shredder doesn't want to leave -- why let such incredible power go to waste? Krang protests, but the distraction allows the ninja to jump on him and snatch the mirror. Yeah, Shredder's not too pleased about that. So Kinzo tosses the mirror to the Turtles, telling them to recite the spell of hope that appears on its surface...
...which they do, as Leonardo points out that the letters on the mirror are conveniently in both Japanese and English. Even though they apparently know enough about Japanese to speak it and translate unfamiliar words on the basis of sound alone. "What a generous mirror" indeed -- there's something about it that just rubs the Turtles the right way.
I know, Donatello, I know. So they repeat the spell, thus summoning...
They join with the Turtles, resulting in the awesome miracle of METAL MUTATION!!!!! Which doesn't make sense, really. They're not mutating; they're just wearing guardian armor. At any rate, now, the villains must face...
So like something out of the new "Knights of the Zodiac" cartoon, Leonardo dons the DRAGON HOLY GUARDIAN armor to become METAL LEONARDO. Sadly, there's not a whole lot to say about it. It's a dragon. Typical. Raphael keeps the mundane comin' by joining with the PHOENIX HOLY GUARDIAN to become METAL RAPHAEL.
Donatello ups the creative ante as he combines with the LION HOLY GUARDIAN and becomes METAL DONATELLO. Except I've never seen a lion with bat wings and a snake for a tail before, so I'm not sure what the hell that thing is. There's no way you'll ever see me going on a safari in Japan, that's for sure -- if they look even remotely like that, Japanese lions must be the scariest creatures on the face of the planet. The king of the jungle has a taste for babies. But METAL MICHELANGELO, the union of Michelangelo and the BEETLE HOLY GUARDIAN, is the strangest of them all. For starters, look at that thing. I thought Donatello's lion was scary stuff, but this takes the cake -- it's a giant fucking beetle with fangs, horns, and enough claws to rip the steaming bowels out of every sushi chef in Japan. Holy Guardian my ass -- this is hellspawn, people. And if you look closely at the picture, you'll notice something else. Yep, that's a cloud of orange gas spraying out of its ass. Well, at least now we know why it chose Mikey. And yep, there you go, metal "mutation". Whatever. While Krang appears to ask, "What the hell is going on???" the ninjas drop to their knees and bow in reverence. Why didn't they do that when the dark guardians came down, huh? Guess that explains why they turned dark in the first place -- no respect. Rodney Dangerfield understands.
So while the Turtles fawn over their pretty new armor, Kinzo informs them that they can only summon the armor guardians for six minutes. Leonardo responds that that's plenty of time, but not for Shredder and crew, since they've already been wearing theirs for about four. Shredder points this out, whence Yukimura comes down out of nowhere and starts laughing at him. Yeah, fuck you too, Yukimura. Shredder tries slashing at the damned ghost with his sword, but it just goes right through.
Anyway, it's time once again for SPECIAL MOVES, so Michelangelo gets things started with the BEEF BEE-TONIC!!!!! Aaaand that just gave me an idea for a recipe, but there's no way in hell I'm cooking that concoction up. I guess beef and honey doesn't sound too bad, but you know that's hardly the first thought that popped into my head. Also, the metal mutation has apparently transformed Michelangelo into some sort of vampire thing. Anyway, the BEEF BEE-TONIC move begins with a leafy whirlwind and then attempts to give the baddies a serious shock therapy treatment, which is probably what should happen to me for even thinking of stirring mashed insects into a bowl of chili con carne. Unfazed, Shredder, Bebop, and Rocksteady respond with their special moves, but the Turtles jump out of the way...
...and Raph steals one from Jean Grey with the PHOENIX BOMBER by dropping a giant flaming bird spirit onto their heads. Yeah, that one does a little more damage, as the enemies cry out in pain that it burns.
Obviously, having lived a sheltered life in Dimension X, Krang doesn't understand what it feels like to be on fucking fire.
Hang in there, Shredder ol' pal. So Don's up next. With the LIO MAGNADO, he summons a ball of hot rock from the center of the earth and sends it rolling after Shredder and crew. Yeah, it looks kinda silly, with Bebop and Rocksteady's legs depicted in the crazy running style, but am I the only one who's seriously disturbed by this maneuver? The Turtles are playing for keeps now -- that's like dropping a fucking meteor on the heads of your enemies! The fire was bad enough, but this, folks, is unquestionably a killing move.
To celebrate this dark turn regarding their moral code, the Turtles laugh like maniacs as the Shredder, Bebop, and Rocksteady literally run for their lives. Ha ha ha. Given this harrowing twist, Krang decides it'd be best if the villains made a hasty retreat. Still running from the hunk of burning rock -- which follows them every which way they turn -- Shredder grabs Kinzo and snatches the mirror. As Kinzo is easily restrained by the Metal Shredder, Raphael says, "Mr. Kinzo. Can you be clear whether you're strong or weak?" Dude, he just got grabbed by a guy empowered by an ancient tiger spirit. You didn't fare too well either until you got that phoenix armor and started trying to burn people to death, asshole.
The deadly magma misses its targets, and Shredder and company dash for the portal created by Krang. But Leonardo hasn't gotten his chance to shine yet: it's time for the THUNDRA TONIC BUSTER!!!!! Shredder matches it with the TIGER BREAK, and the energy animals turn into beams and begin to battle it out in a projectile war totally copped from Dragon Ball Z. They appear to be evenly matched...
...then the six minutes run out for Shredder and company (and unlike last time, this really was six minutes, almost to the second) and Leonardo gives in to the Turtles' newfound urges to reduce their enemies to charred corpses.
So of course, Shredder drops the mirror and the bad guys hightail it out of there -- if we can continue to call them the "bad guys," given that they weren't the ones raining down hellfire for the latter part of the episode. The mirror is safe, the Turtles have arson as a new hobby, all is well. To sum up the meaning of the episode in his own special way, Yukimura lets loose with a string of maniacal laughter before fading away, prompting Michelangelo to ask why the hell he came there in the first place.
Fade to later. Atop the fortress, the ninjas thank the Turtles for their help -- prompting Donatello to point out that it's time for breakfast. Then the castle starts rocking back and forth, as if about to collapse, and everyone gets really fucking worried. And with good reason! Tell 'em why, Hattori Kinzo of the noble Hattori ninja clan.
Well, there you go. The fortress can withstand tidal waves and explosions and even Ragnarok from "Breath of Fire IV", but it can't handle a group of ninjas, four Turtles, a seriously pissed off rat, and a television news reporter yapping nonsense about breakfast when the sun is clearly setting in the background. And you know what? I understand.
So the castle finally gives way and collapses, thus ending "Mutant Turtles: Chôjin densetsu hen". This isn't really the result of poor Japanese architecture, though. After all, this episode did see the Turtles go from benevolent if slightly goofy heroes to bloodthirsty pyromaniacs, and hell, we know where they got it from, since Splinter's been wishing horrible flaming death to everyone since long before the show began. So why did the tower really collapse? Karma. And sure, all April did was stick her nose everywhere it didn't belong, and Kinzo was just a dumbshit -- hardly offenses worthy of a fatal accident -- but sometimes when you bring bad karma on yourself those standing next to you suffer as well. Still, the Turtles don't appear to be sad about their dreadful end -- even though they're about to plummet to their grisly deaths on the ground below, they're ecstatic enough to shout, "WOWOO!" as the house comes tumbling down. After all, as Yukimura taught us with his raucous laughter, death doesn't always have to be a sad affair. And perhaps that is the reason he came, Michelangelo -- perhaps Yukimura came to share that knowledge with the rest of us.
The verdict? Two thumbs way up into the pink glowing ether from which the guardian armor descended, as far as I'm concerned. But if you want to judge for yourself, you can usually snag a dvd copy on ebay. But if you'd rather not go that route, there are a couple of clips on the Official TMNT Web Site, and Ninja Turtles Network has both episodes available for download in realmedia format. The quality's not the best, and it's not subtitled, but having read this review you should be able to follow along pretty well. And MIKEYSTMNT.COM has the soundtrack for download in mp3 format, for all interested parties. That's it, then -- hope you enjoyed this review. Thanks for reading, and happy hunting! :)
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