And now, Scary-Crayon presents...
Issue #2: The sorrows of crippled toys.
Hordak: Hi. I'm HORDAK. You probably remember me as She-Ra's arch nemesis who snorted a lot and occasionally turned into rockets. Given the resurrection of He-Man and pals, you've probably been wondering where I've been, yes? After all, I turned into rockets. Skeletor never did anything half as cool. To top it off, my right arm is a cannon. See?
Hordak: I won't lie to you. I tried to make a comeback with the rest of 'em. I did! I raised my minions, we raided Eternia, stormed Castle Greyskull and -- as expected -- He-Man, in all of his newly sculpted glory, was there to meet us. I rushed at him, ready to make my presence felt and establish myself, once again, as one of the greatest villains of all time --
Hordak: -- and then, tragedy struck. With a single punch to the abdomen, the time-rotted rubber tether that kept me on my feet gave way, and my legs fell out from underneath me like those of a spider, if you glued its legs to a flat surface and flicked its body really hard. Yes, that's all it took for this rejuvenated pretty-boy He-Man to defeat me -- a simple flick of his wrist! I didn't stand a chance.
GloWorm: Hi. I'm GloWorm. I share Hordak's handicap, though it was Nature who crippled me: being a worm, I was born without legs. However! Nature did gift me with an exceptional intellect and the ability to absorb energy from artificial light sources, thus enabling me to glow in the dark!
GloWorm: Unfortunately, these blessings -- these little bundles of joy! -- proved to be FOUL CURSES disguised in swaddling clothes. My first experiments were successes. Behold! I was able to grow tiny arms by drinking a potent mixture of apple cider and toxic waste. However, with these successes my ambition increased and, as any reader of mythology knows, these exploits never end well -- scholars will recognize a certain similarity to the tale of Icarus in the events that I am about to recount. Testing my energy absorption abilities, I realized that the amount of energy I was able to absorb increased as I drew nearer to the light, and, from this, I deduced that I would be able to absorb the maximum amount of energy by pressing my face directly against the light source itself!
GloWorm: Behold the HIDEOUS result. As you can imagine, life as a worm is not candied apples to begin with, but now, with my face so horribly burnt, I am forced to burrow even deeper beneath the soil to hide my repulsive scars from the world at large. As I lay there nightly in the black dirt, warm because of my proximity to the molten core of the earth and Hell itself, I pray that someday someone will manufacture a tiny bladed glove so that I may butcher the GloFriends in their dreams.
MetalHead: Hi. I'm MetalHead, another victim of the tragedy that is life. Before my circuits were damaged and Donatello reprogrammed me to do housework, I was a formidable foe of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles -- just look at how I laid the smack down on Raphael from my former position as THE UNSTOPPABLE BOSS OF ALLEYCAT BLUES!!!!!!
MetalHead: Heh, sorry about that, Raph.
Raphael: It's in the past, in the past.
MetalHead: You might also have noticed that I bear an uncanny resemblance to George W. Bush, and I am sorry to say that it was this very resemblance that cost me my right forearm and hand -- a gang of Liberals attacked me and sawed off my arm at the elbow. They were going to finish the job by smearing my prone, naked body with honey from a nearby apiary, thus provoking a swarm of bees to sting me to death, when they looked at the top of my head and realized their mistake.
MetalHead: They apologized for the mixup, but it was too late for me -- my arm had been damaged beyond repair, leaving me useless, useless, useless. The Turtles don't even want me to sweep the sewer for them anymore. *sob*
Raphael: There there, pal. Let it out.
[Unknown G.I.Joe Figure]: Hi.
Krang: Psst. You're supposed to say "I'm..." and then your name.
[Unknown G.I.Joe Figure]: But I don't remember my name! Or anything about my life that happened before...that morning.
Krang: What happened on...that morning?
[Unknown G.I.Joe Figure]: I awoke in the middle of a vaaaast desert, with no recollection of how I had gotten there, or anything else, with the exception of the English language, which I appeared to recall quite well. Dismembered corpses were strewn all about me, and while the face of each corpse was a mystery, I felt intense grief at the sight of them -- these, I thought, must have been my friends, before their untimely demise. I wept for them. And then, I tried to stand...to no avail.
[Unknown G.I.Joe Figure]: Next to me, I discovered what appeared to be my legs...my crotch had been taken, probably for sale on the black market. I do not recall how well-endowed I was, but I must have been fairly large, right? After all, I was a soldier! So now I crawl from place to place, dragging my legs by my side, perpetually weeping for what I have lost.
Beetlejuice: I feel your pain.
[Unknown G.I.Joe Figure]: HOLY FUCK! What happened to you?
[Unknown G.I.Joe Figure]: Damn.
Krang: Yes, all of us here have been cruelly crippled by fate, in one way or another, condemned to spend our days like bloated sows, stricken with labor pains and grunting and wallowing in the mud of self pity. But with the help of your donations, our lives need not be quite so miserable. For instance, thanks to the aid of viewers like you, we were able to purchase a computer! And with a little bit of searching... Well, why don't you come see for yourself, Mainframe?
[Unknown G.I.Joe Figure]: Are you talking to me?
Mainframe: Why...I have a name! MAINFRAME! And look, I'm a Covert Computer Specialist!!! That means I like computers! And now I have one! OMG! I AM NOW 31337!!! Thank you, Krang!
Krang: Yes, using our new computer, we were able to locate YoJoe.com, which, due to its numerous figure listings and thumbnail images, enables people to identify unknown G.I.Joe figures! So don't thank me, Mainframe -- thank YoJoe.com! But, more importantly, thank the contributors at home -- without their monetary aid, none of this would have been possible!
Mainframe: Thank you, YoJoe.com! And thank you, contributors at home!!! Your donations have truly made my life much less miserable!!!!
Krang: Yes, thank you, contributors at home! As long as you breathe, I will never give up hope that one day I will finally walk again. And really, isn't it hope that sustains us all?
Cooler: And that's a wrap! Nice job, everyone. Grand Duke, get the computer.
Krang: What are you doing?
Cooler: Keep your veins on, stupid octopus. This is a front. Granted, you'll get paid *coughnotmuchcough*, but most of this money ain't goin' to you and it ain't goin' to charity. It costs a lot to televise this crap, you know, and the world doesn't revolve around you blasted cripples.
Krang: You can't! We'll sue! We'll stand united against you! All of us will -- RAPH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Raphael: Hey, this was just a side gig for me. You gimps are on your own.
Beetlejuice: Some people have no integrity. :(
-- Wes --
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