And now, Scary-Crayon presents...

A Random Lunch

by: Wes

I wish I had an interesting way to begin this article. I assure you that if I did, I'd have begun with it. We'd have discussed the ideas that popped into my head to inspire me to try my hand at creating the strange dish to follow, and you would have marveled and laughed even as you thought, "Bloody hell, Wes, get to the damned article already!" But I don't have any of that -- in truth, this random lunch was the result of my lacking what I suspect was the key ingredient. Not very interesting, though I suppose it's helpful if you want to use this article as a case study. So let's get to it, shall we?

As seen above, this experiment began with a jar of Extra Crunchy Skippy Super Chunk (Turbo Alpha redundant) peanut butter, an empty bowl, and two slices of bread and an egg on the fabled bullseye plate. Quite obviously something's not right here, but this image is even more disturbing than usual -- this seems out of place even for a Scary-Crayon kitchen piece. What's missing from this picture, besides the slightest hint of the culinary randomness to follow?

Unknowing, we press on. Set the egg aside; spread PB on the bread; AHA! This is beginning to look like something we've seen before, isn't it? Yes, dear reader, perhaps you are catching on! And perhaps this explains that overwhelming sense of oddness that plagues us -- perhaps this is less an "experiment" than it is a simple, normal lunch! And perhaps that is where the randomness is to be found! Then again, perhaps not. Can you guess what happened next?

YES! A peanut butter sandwich! But the egg...alone in the bowl...its meaning eludes you, doesn't it? Do you know its purpose? Can you look into that round and glistening yellow yolk and penetrate its soupy innards to discern the mystery that is A Random Lunch #1? You wish! But read on, dear reader, read on; all things will be revealed...shortly.

AHA! That explains part of the mystery -- what was missing from the previous pictures was the presence of an action figure! Hence our ominous tone. In truth, Leech happened to find himself in the company of a number of chubby blonde college girls at a wild party the previous night, and found himself unbelievably drunk on their viscous and over-the-legal-limit blood. Thus he found himself with a hangover on the afternoon of our experiment and arrived a little late to the festivities. For shame, Leech, for shame. Note also that the egg in the bowl appears to have been stirred, and one of the sandwich halves is being dipped into the mixture. Action figures drunk on alcoholic blood and strange culinary concoctions -- this is making less sense by the minute! What happened next, you ask?

Leech did not come alone on that fateful afternoon, you see, nor was Leech alone at the previous night's party. Along for the ride was Taz, the Tazmanian Devil, who found himself even more insane than usual after doing the unthinkable and popping two ecstasy pills after inhaling from a beer bong with the boys in the bathroom. After devouring them all, he took to spinning wildly around the dance floor for the next seven hours. We see him now, the next day, still suffering from the effects of taking two illegal substances one after the other. Oh, Taz, what ever will we do with you? Luckily, Taz was coherent enough to keep from pressing his tongue to the greased frying pan that was heating up on the stove.

Ah, yes, it all comes together now. The sandwich halves were covered with the egg mixture and then subjected to DA HEAT O' DA PAN -- sort of like a french toast peanut butter sandwich! Wacky! Of course, this resulted in the melting of the peanut butter, such that it ran out of the bread and into the pan. Also, the remaining egg mixture was fried, making the mini-omelette seen at right. At first I thought that Leech and Taz could share it, but then I remembered that action figures don't eat food. But I guess that's good, because it means that they don't shit either! Our toilets are far too large for action figures to use anyway. Even if they could get up there, they'd probably fall in. And they'd never flush. :(

And speaking of toilets and crap, what does that melted peanut butter look like to you? So there's the more/less finished product. I took a bite of it and could barely chew -- in addition to being somewhat fluid and running into every possible nook and cranny of my mouth, the peanut butter had also seeped into the bread on the inside, thus converting the entire sandwich into a food devil whose sole purpose in existing was to keep you from saying "Aaron Burr" when the radio station calls and offers you money. Luckily, Leech and Taz realized my predicament and set off to find...

...Country Kitchen Lite Maple Syrup! Which made sense, really, given that the sandwich was essentially just a peanut butter sandwich with french toast in lieu of regular bread. And when things start making sense when Scary-Crayon's in the kitchen, things get scary. Hence Taz's terrifyingly wide grin and Leech's intense and maniacal belly-laughter.

And there we go -- the complete finished product, plus syrup, minus one extra peanut buttery bite on which I nearly choked to discover that the syrup was necessary in the first place. Which just goes to show that even when our mistakes cause us pain, there's still something to be learned from them. Next time you fuck up, grab the lite maple syrup from the cabinet and drench your problems. It'll make things better. And sticky, too. Trust me on that one. Okay?

The Verdict: Eh, this one depends. Before you try your hand at recreating the FRENCH TOAST PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH in your own kitchen, ask yourself a few questions. Ready? Take notes, people.

1. Do you reeeeeeaaaaally like french toast?
2. Do you reeeeeeaaaaally like peanut butter?
3. Do you reeeeeeaaaaally like them together?

If you answered no to any of these questions, particularly the third, then I'd say pass -- there's nothing magical to be found here about combining seemingly unconventional ingredients in a strange way, since it still ends up tasting like french toast with peanut butter on it. There's nothing offensive about it, mind you, unless having your mouth gunked up by thick peanut butter saturated bread bothers you, but there's nothing spectacular enough here to warrant giving it a try despite the reservations you probably have about reproducing anything that appears on SC. But if you're going to give anything on the site a try, go for tuna pancakes or THE SANDWICH SO WEIRD it frightens McGriddles and leave this fairly uninteresting culinary experiment to its fate in the random recipe archives. And I guess that's all there is to say.


This poor little guy
was ignored and got eaten.
This is a cruel world. :(

-- Wes --

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