First things first -- I can't take all of the credit for this one. The story of THE SANDWICH SO WEIRD it frightens McGriddles is a peculiar one indeed, and while I'd like to say it began, like the tales of so many other (in)edible mysteries, in my kitchen, or perhaps in my head, that's not the case here. Back when I was a young lad in university, my residential college had a buttery, known to students as The Morsel. Its dimensions scarcely exceeded that of a walk-in closet, and like closets of a certain design it remained hidden behind dark wooden blinds...until half past 10 PM. At this time an eerie light began to shine through the cracks, not unlike the terrifying glow that signals the approach of the Cenobites in the Hellraiser films. And then the shutters were thrust back! The workers here were a peculiar lot, scuffling to and fro, taking down orders, oftentimes forgetting to collect the money from the customers, because it wasn't the money they cared for. It was the food, and for that reason everything was dirt cheap, and while there was a menu, it only served as a guide; at the customer's request, they would cobble together any dish from whatever ingredients were lying around. Each night -- except Saturdays -- this buttery of horrors stayed open until around 1 AM, and when the last strange dish had been passed over the counter, the blinds slowwwwly closed...by themselves.
It was here, sitting on a barstool at the counter of The Morsel, that I heard the tale of a student who had ordered what the workers called The Heart Attack Special, and who had not since returned. Any other customer would have been frightened off, and perhaps would have settled for an order of fried mozzarella sticks, but not I. No, I was intrigued. "Tell me more about this Heart Attack Special," I said. "How much will it cost?" They turned away from me for a moment, whispering amongst themselves, and then one of them, known only as V, quoted a price.
I was willing to pay it. And now, I share with you the secret of The Heart Attack Special, or, as I call it...
In order to reproduce THE SANDWICH SO WEIRD it frightens McGriddles at home, you will need the ingredients above. (Of course, Napoleon Bonafrog, Zoltan, and Baxter Stockman are excluded.) That is, you will require milk and a single egg -- or two, if you like. You may or may not require flour -- the flour is my own improvement, and I have found it to be quite useful, but it is optional. Cheese, salt, and pepper (not pictured), are also optional, but the mystery ingredient -- located in the bullseye in the center of the plate -- is not. No, that one is necessary. BE WARNED: it is not a bagel.
As Baxter has done, you must split the mystery ingredient into two halves, using a knife or a fork (the knife will be easier). You must be extremely careful when doing this, as the mystery ingredient will be very soft and prone to tearing apart. To offset this, if you like, you may freeze the mystery ingredient. And, like Zoltan so effectively demonstrates, you must retain your composure at all times and resist the temptation to eat the mystery ingredient prematurely. You may have noticed that I have avoided speaking the name of the mystery ingredient. And that's quite true. I dare not speak its name. But if you have not figured it out yet, you can find it in any supermarket, possibly in a 12-pack (that is, it often comes in dozens), probably in the bakery section. But oh! I've said too much.
Note also Napoleon's deed: he has emptied the egg into a bowl and has added 1/4 cup of skim milk, give or take, and roughly two teaspoons of flour. But should you attempt to duplicate THE SANDWICH SO WEIRD it frightens McGriddles at home, you need not use skim milk and you need not use flour. These are merely suggestions.
This step is so simple it hardly deserves to be called a "step". Stir the contents of the bowl until blended. Simple. While you are at it, you may want to put a greased frying pan on the stove at medium heat. I do hope that you have a frying pan and a stove; otherwise you will not be able to finish making THE SANDWICH SO WEIRD it frightens McGriddles. Actually, that's not true. In the event that you lack a frying pan and a stove, simply microwave the contents of the bowl on HIGH for 90 seconds and toast the halves of the mystery ingredient in your toaster. But I do not recommend this. Instead, I recommend making absolutely sure that you have a greased frying pan and a stove handy. Okay?
See, this is where the pan and stove come into play. Once the pan is hot enough, pour the contents of the bowl into it, turning it over after allowing it to cook for a bit. If you didn't use flour, you'll notice that it is very difficult to flip the omelette (for that is what it is) without tearing it. This is why I recommend using flour. Once you've flipped it, you may sprinkle it with salt and pepper and add cheese, if you like. And then make room in the pan! For now it is time to add the halves of the mystery ingredient, face down...
...as shown above. You may have noticed in the previous image that the halves of the mystery ingredient were facing up, and were toasted -- that is how you will want the faces to look, so check them periodically. When they are toasted to your liking, flip the halves over onto the glazed sides. Glazed? GLAZED??? What have I done?!?!? I've said tooooo much!!! Ahem. While the mystery ingredient cooks, keep an eye on the omelette -- it is okay for it to be a little browned, but if you notice it burning remove it from the pan. At some point, whenever you're satisfied with how well the mystery ingredient has been toasted, turn the heat off...
...and sandwich the omelette between the two halves of the mystery ingredient, as pictured above. Stand back! Congratulate yourself! Rejoice in anticipation of the feast that awaits! BEAM WITH PRIDE, UNWORTHY MORTAL!!! You have just reproduced THE SANDWICH SO WEIRD it frightens McGriddles in the comfort of your own kitchen!!!!
And behold, once again, the finished creation! Don't Napoleon, Baxter, and Zoltan look entirely too pleased with themselves? And why shouldn't they be? Here they stand, basking in the mysteriously eerie glow of THE SANDWICH SO WEIRD it frightens McGriddles! Have you seen any McGriddles anywhere throughout the duration of this piece? NO! 'CAUSE THEY'RE SCARED SHITLESS. And you'd be too, if you were a McGriddle. But you're not. So enjoy!
P.S. Just in case you still haven't figured it out, the mystery ingredient is...AN OLICOOK. Also called a donut. :)
Just click the image above! Simple, no? ;)