And now, Scary-Crayon presents...



by: Wes

So, we've made it abundantly clear that April O'Neil should be with us. But she's not.


Leonardo: Damned right! Listen up, Shredder --

Thus Leonardo ventured off in search of the Shredder...

Many many Turtles.Many many Turtles.

...but alas, Oroku Saki is a difficult man to find.

Leonardo: This sucks. I try to go off and do the macho hero-guy rescue thing, but what happens? Shredder's not home and I didn't hear one extra-pathetic girly scream to give me a single clue as to her whereabouts. Guess I'll just grab some beer and pizza and... What the...?

Many many Turtles.Many many Turtles.

Shredder: Hello, Leonardo.

Leonardo: Man, I don't believe this shit. The evil Shredder -- just the man I wanted to see -- in my home, watching TV. You've got some nerve, Saki. Really. And how the hell did you get in here, anyway?

Many many Turtles.Many many Turtles.

Shredder: You left the manhole open.

Leonardo: DAMN!!!!!!

Shredder: You really should be more careful about that, turtle.

Leonardo: Duly noted. So you heard I was coming for April and came to head me off before I even got a lead, eh? Well hurry up and get your armor on so we can commence with the fightng already! I don't have all day, you know -- I've got a girl to rescue, and you're gonna tell me where she is if I have to BEAT the info out of you!

The ALLY?!?!?!?

Shredder: You misunderstand me, Leonardo. I did not come here to fight you.

Leonardo: You should've thought about that before you kidnapped April, pal!

Shredder: Again, turtle, you are mistaken. I do not have your Miss O'Neil.

Leonardo: What? I distinctly saw a picture of you leaping through a glass window with her in tow!

Shredder: That image was just that -- an image. I believe it was symbolic of the tyranny of modern culture, which impresses upon young boys the idea that female characters have no place among their action figure collections. Unfortunately, as a villain, my character was used to represent their evil. But Oroku Saki -- the real Oroku Saki -- has come to aid you in your quest, Leonardo. I will help to recover your Miss O'Neil.

Many many Turtles.Many many Turtles.

Leonardo: This is blowing me, dude.

Shredder: No time for oral sex, Leonardo! Somewhere, Miss O'Neil needs our help!

So the Shredder and Leonardo set off together in search of April...

The ALLY?!?!?!?

...but came back with nada.

Shredder: Well, at least we tried...?

Leonardo: This is seriously pissing me off. Wanna come in and watch some TV?

Shredder: Sure, but we will come to blows if you turn on "Smallville".

Leonardo: Heh, no danger of that happening. Actually, I'd always thought you were responsible for it. Only someone truly evil could've created such an awful show.

Shredder: I'm offended! I do have some honor, you know. Now Skelegore, on the other hand...

Many many Turtles.Many many Turtles.

Leonardo: Skele-who? And what the...hey, it's APRIL!

Shredder: Times two!

April #1 & April #2: Hi guys!!!!!

Leonardo:'d you two get in here?

Many many Turtles.Many many Turtles.

April #2: Someone left the manhole open.

Leonardo: DAMN!!!!!! Oh well, at least you're back. But I thought someone was supposed to rescue you?

April #1: No, see, the point is that we don't need rescuing. That was a throwback to the old days, when women were always depicted as damsels in distress. But April O'Neil -- that is, me, and her -- we were more than that! The whole point of Wes's article was that we're our own characters -- and we can fend for ourselves! And yes, occasionally we might need some help, but as friends in need, not as "women." Do you understand?

Leonardo: I think so, but what was that crap Wes mentioned about rules and manliness?

April #2: I think he was trying to whip you up into a masculine testosterone-induced fervor -- you know, setting things in motion with the foreknowledge that we would eventually arrive at this exact moment and the moral of the story would be revealed at last! He's very clever, you know.

Shredder: Heh heh heh...

The ALLY?!?!?!?

Shredder: FOOLS!!!!!!!!

Many many Turtles.Many many Turtles.

Leonardo: But...why..........?

Shredder: You didn't really think I'd help you out of the goodness of my heart, did you, turtle? True, I genuinely wanted Miss O'Neil back -- but so I could CAPTURE her!!! You don't know how hard it's been for me to be a good villain without a woman to kidnap! I tried for the Insectican bitch a few times, but she's tougher than the goddamned worm! No, what I needed were real, weak, human women -- and now I've got two of them! I sincerely hope you weren't watching anything interesting on television, ladies, because you're both coming with me.

April #1: Weren't you listening? This ain't like old times, Shred-head! Sic 'im, April #2.

Many many Turtles.RAWR!!!!!!!!!!!!

April #2: RAAAAAWR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bloody hell.

Many many Turtles.

Shredder: SOMEONE CALL A #$!@%& ZOOKEEPER!!!!

The ALLY?!?!?!?

April #1: It's good to be home. :)

-- Wes --

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