And now, Scary-Crayon reviews...

<3 Best Friend <3 COLTON

by: Wes

He's been sitting in my floor since at least February, but it's finally time for Best Friend Colon Colton to emerge from his plastic cocoon and cast his lifeless blue gaze upon the world. Given that it's taken me so long to get around to giving Colton the written treatment, I wish I had an introductory story so shocking that it would explain why I just couldn't bring myself to review him... UNTIL NOW. Alas, no such story truthfully describes the fateful day that Colton came into my possession -- I simply happened upon rows and rows of these strange dolls at the local Dollar Tree (alongside Best Friend Jacob, a Backstreet Boys wannabe, and Best Friend Marquis, the obligatory minority who's little more than a palette swap of Colton, or is it the other way around?), and found myself unable to turn away, so I snatched him off the pegs with an earnest pledge to review him. And then he kinda got buried under crap in my room and I forgot about him. UNTIL NOW. Oh, and there was also something involving aliens probing my anus with a device shaped like Mr. T. But I pity the fool who wants to hear the rest of that story! So we'll skip it and just get on with the review, mmmkay?


Yep, there he is -- Best Friend Colton! And talk about WOW. Like many dollar store offerings, he's got a plastic bubble that's more/less fitted to his outline, whereas the name brand offerings are typically packed in windowed boxes. With Colton, it's easy to see why -- the form-fitting plastic around his face kinda makes him look serial killer-esque, don't you think? The accessories don't help, either, as you'll see more clearly in just a bit. Already, though, you can tell that Colton's not your average doll. Usually the dollar store dolls are po' folks' versions of more expensive offerings from Mattel or Kenner, but even with the obvious Bratz influence there's no denying that Colton's got his own unique flavor. Given the color of his shirt and shoes, I'm thinking it's watermelon. Also, note that the choking hazard warning on the package is about as big as Colton's own name... aaand I was going to make a crack about the "Small parts. Not for children under 3 yrs." disclaimer, but I think I'll leave that one alone. After all, Colton's not wearing a cassock.

That's how I spell ''QUALITY''!!!

So as if it didn't go without saying, Colton is, in fact, a poseable doll, and those things that come with him are, in fact, play accessories. You know, as opposed to some other kinds of accessories... though it's worth noting that they never stated just what kind of play accessories these are. We'll find out in a bit. And as you can hopefully make out above (squint and use the orange line as a guide), the bubble was sealed over a few strands of Colton's hair. Yep -- that's quality packaging right there, folks. Can you believe I only paid a dollar for this guy?

Meet Colton and his play accessories!

And there's Colton, loose and alongside his play accessories. Also, he's seated, thus proving that he's poseable as well. Hurrah! Best Friend Colton lives up to his press. That said, let's take a closer look at his accessories...


So. As you can see above, already we've got a little problem with Colton's watermelon pink platform shoes -- they don't fucking fit. Like, they don't even come close to fitting. It's not an extremely tight fit along the lines of something Al Bundy would come in bitching about after work, either, 'cause they would fit if the openings were big enough. But they're not. Hell, the shoe that I designated as the left shoe (they pretty much look the same) barely even has an opening. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised, though -- it makes sense that a discount doll would come packaged with irregular shoes. Best Friend Colton is an outlet shopper. And just as we had to poke holes in the shoes ourselves when I was a kid and my mother bought me irregular tennis shoes with no holes for laces, I took it upon myself to make Colton's platforms fit with the help of a hobby knife. w00t! Not pictured is the mess of blood that resulted when I accidentally stabbed myself trying to cut holes in the shoes. Just kidding -- I didn't stab myself. Accidentally, that is. Again, just kidding, though "Man-child attempts suicide while photographing dollar store doll" would be an amusing headline. Plus everyone would think it was about Michael Jackson. Anyway, let's see how Colton likes his newly wearable footwear!


Ta-daaa! Best Friend Colton's standing tall! Against a wall! Because even with the platforms there's no fucking way he can stand on his own. I guess for $1 you can't expect a doll to be able to stand or wear the shoes that come with it without you having to take a knife to 'em. By the way, the same is true of Canadian hookers. Somebody stop me.


And here are the rest of those play accessories we mentioned earlier. Some aren't so odd -- a change of shirt and a bookbag -- others aren't so identifiable -- what the fuck is that little brown circle thing? a bracelet? a piece of plastic that just happened to get caught in the bubble? -- and the other is just fucking weird. Pink binoculars??? Hmmm. But before we consider the reasons that Colton would have a pair of binoculars at all, let's take a closer look at his backpack.

What goes in here...?

It's tempting to think that Colton's a student of some kind -- this bag would place him around junior high age, I'd say -- but he looks way too old for middle school. Moreover, there's no way he could actually fit any books into that bag, what with the pair of binoculars barely being able to get more than a quarter of the way inside (the top's not elastic, since for $1 the best we get is a velcro opening). No, the only things Colton could reliably fit into his knapsack here are that brown bracelet thing, pencils, and dildos, and perhaps photographs of whatever kinky undertakings involve wood, graphite, and faux phalli... oh, and I guess knives, too. But before we go suspecting Colton of being a perverted serial killer and/or rapist here, let's keep in mind that he couldn't even get his shoes on without a knife the length of his feet. Poor misunderstood Colton.... he knows what it's like to be the sad man behind blue eyes. If he shivers, please give him a blanket. Alas, blankets can't fit in his backpack either.


So after a quick trip to wardrobe, Colton's ready to play with his pink binoculars. Thus far we've been skirting the obvious question, but now, finally, we'll get down to the business of answering it: What the hell would a doll need with binoculars??? Some folks will be tempted to say that Colton's into bird-watching -- and it's worth noting that dead birds would also fit nicely into his backpack... -- but I'm inclined to think that Colton's got more voyeuristic intentions in mind here. Actually, watching birds would be voyeuristic too, so scratch that. Best Friend Colton's just downright perverted. Let me show you how it works.

SAILOR CLEAVAGE!*FWAP* ''My face is up here, asshole!''

Say, for example, that Colton likes looking at breasts. We all know that Sailor Jupiter's the bustiest of the scouts (in addition to being the only one I own), so she'll do well for this example. Now, if the lovely Makoto caught Colton ogling her cleavage, the worst that would happen to him is probably a hard slap across the face. It's not a terribly pleasant consequence, but honestly if breasts were Colton's bag, he'd probably take the slap instead of taking the time to hide out in the distance and stare at boobies with binoculars. Besides, getting slapped by a cute girl can be a turn-on.

Mmm... Sabretooth.Covert ass-gazing!

However, given the fruity color scheme of Colton's clothes, binoculars, and platform shoes, I'm thinking maybe the sight above and to the right is more along the lines of something he'd like to see. And while the punishment for getting caught checking out Jupiter might've been a simple slap to the cheek, what do you think would happen to the poor fool running his eyes up and down the backside of one Victor Creed? Nothing good, I'm thinking. Colton may be a creepy bastard, but he's no moron -- muscular evil mutant ass is a visual treat best savored from a safe distance. Ogle away, buddy.


Now that that's over and done with, here's another question that's been kinda nagging at me. The doll's called "Best Friend Colton", right? So who the hell's "best friend" is he supposed to be? It sure as shit isn't Barbie's -- you think she'd be caught dead with a dude who carries a pair of pink binoculars for checking out muscular asses in the distance? She's too busy getting knocked up these days anyway. Likewise, I doubt that the Bratz crowd would let Colton into their ranks... even though they've got oversized heads and lips the size of cantaloupes, they're slaves to fashion, and Colton doesn't exactly scream trendy with his orange tank and discount pink platform shoes. Besides, his hair's a mess and he didn't even come with a brush! And you've gotta admit, even with those baby blue eyes, there's something altogether unnerving about Colton's creepy gaze. Let's face it, folks -- Colton has hours only lonely, 'cause there's no place whatsoever for a guy with disheveled hair, a bizarre fashion sense, stalker tendencies, and a haunted stare.

Blade lends a hand! Which is funny, 'cause he has none...

Waitaminute, of course there is! Granted, Colton's present clothes are a little bright for the Gothic crowd, but that's nothing a blood-spattered black trench coat won't fix. And look at that, Blade of Puppet Master fame is on hand er, hook/knife to loan Colton his! I think he's found a friend already. Let's see how he fits in with the other Goths!


Y'know, this may sound kinda weird given that we're talking about Colton here, but with all of his eccentricities I just don't think he's strange enough for the Gothic scene. Or at least he doesn't look strange enough -- the boy's got too much color to him. I was tempted to break out some powdered sugar old Halloween makeup to give him the full Gothic makeover, but then it dawned on me that maybe it just wasn't meant to be... perhaps Colton belonged somewhere else instead. Or maybe I was just too lazy to fuck around with all of that cracking powder and shit. But not to worry...

We have a WINNER!

...'cause Gambit of the X-Men was kind enough to contribute his stylish brown trench to aid Colton in his quest to find his niche. And lo and behold, people, I think we've finally found Colton's style! It's conservative, it's slightly creepy, and it doesn't require kohl around the eyes and skin a deathly shade of pale to make it work. You'll note that Colton appears alone here -- Gambit gave up his coat and got the hell out of dodge -- so it's hard to see how he lives up to his "best friend" epithet, but maybe we've been wrong to think about specifics with respect to those two special words. See, now I'm thinking that Colton is everyone's best friend. Which is why he's got a special treat for everyone he meets...


TA-DAAAA!!! You see, Colton is NAKED under there! And let's face it, for a scary, fruity dude who comes with watermelon pink platform shoes you have to cut open yourself, pink binoculars, a handful of other useless crap, and a complete and utter lack of genitalia, the breezy style of the flasher is pretty much the only one that fits. Moreover, if any men ever discover Colton checking out their goods in the distance, this technique here also doubles as a flash grenade -- they'll be blinded long enough for Colton to tuck his nonexistent penis tail between his spread-apart sticklike legs and beat a hasty retreat. Talk about handy! I'm glad we could help you find your tru calling, Best Friend Colton, and doubly glad that it doesn't involve Eliza Dushku in an awful and highly repetitive show in which corpses wake up and then proceed to somehow manipulate the flow of time with no explanation whatsoever.

No one knows what it's like...

So I guess that's it for Best Friend Colton. Other than me, I'm not exactly sure who would buy a doll like this -- and seeing as how there are still rows and rows of Colton in that Dollar Tree, I'm thinking no one -- but I'm still inclined to say that for $1 you could do worse as far as best friends go. So thanks for a great time, Colton, you weird stalker-esque bargain shopper you! It's been fun. Oh, and be sure to have Gambit's coat cleaned before you return it, thanks. 'Cause that's what a best friend would do.  :)

-- Wes --

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