And now, Scary-Crayon presents...


by: Wes

I don't care which side you're on -- if you disagree with the following statement, you're an idiot:


This election season has been absolutely overflowing with BULLSHIT from both ends of the political spectrum.

Seriously. Right, left, no matter which way you turn, soulless bastards are shitting from the mouth and pitching fecal fastballs right into your fucking face at 90 mph -- all hoping to influence your decision on November 2nd by blinding you with so much crap that you get a horrible eye infection and, in the process of wiping yellow pus and green snot out of your cornea, accidentally spurt some of the ichor in the checkbox for their respective candidates. They'll tell you that this election is about The War On Terror and national security, or that it's about upholding traditional values at home, or that it's about health care, the environment, tax cuts, and so forth. The truth? It's about none of those things.

Monkey George W. Bush takes on Zombie John Kerry!!!

It's about a fucking monkey versus a bloody zombie. We're not electing a President; we're placing bets. If you threw a monkey and a zombie into a steel cage together and watched them battle to the bitter end, which do you think would come out on top? The outcome may decide the fate of a nation!

The Case for the Monkey:

I know, the zombie is the obvious choice, but let's give the monkey a chance. Monkeys are pretty clever, after all. I mean, we're descended from them -- though the 70 million creationists beg to differ, but they also think that dinosaurs were a hoax and/or still roam the earth today, which would be pretty cool if it were true, so ''I'm going to fuck your brains out, you sexy American ghost you''maybe we shouldn't be so harsh on the creationists for dreaming of a better world than the one in which they live, but they're still batshit crazy detached-from-reality fucks -- and monkeys are more than capable of figuring out how to use power tools, so it's entirely possible that the monkey could find the appropriate equipment for drilling a hole in the skull of the zombie and surprise us all with the upset victory. Additionally, monkeys like swingin' from trees and eating bananas and Cocoa Krispies, which are far superior to mass quantities of fresh raw quivering flesh as far as foods go. They're faster than zombies. And they can learn sign language -- positioning your cursor over the image at right, for example, will yield the sign for "I'm going to fuck your brains out, you sexy American ghost you" (from Robo Vampire; cf. the Encyclopedia Obscura review). So yeah, monkeys are smart.

Bush, however, is not a smart monkey, nor does he have the man in the yellow hat to bail him out of trouble when his curiosity gets the best of him. That's all I'm going to say about that.

INSAAAAAAANE!!!!No, wait, I do have something to add. For those of you who watched the debates -- what the hell was up with that answer Bush gave on "fiscal sanity?" Now, I realize he wasn't the one to coin the term -- nor was Kerry, since a google search reveals that it was apparently in use way back in 1994 -- nor did Bush's use of the term necessarily result from a misunderstanding on his part, but still. Bush alleged that Kerry kept talking about fiscal sanity, but for my part, at least during those debates, while I heard Kerry mention fiscal responsibility a number of times, I don't recall the word "sanity" ever leaving his lips in that context. PERHAPS THIS IS BECAUSE IT MAKES NO SENSE. What the fuck would "fiscal sanity" mean, anyway? Because honestly, these guys are talking about spending billions and trillions of dollars while I make $7 an hour to deal with assholes and scrub diarrhea splatter from toilets with a tiny pink sponge and a green solution that smells like toothpaste and asscrack. Even millions of dollars sounds insane to me.

I'm done with the fucking monkey.

The Case for the Zombie:

ZOMBIE VS. SHARK!!!It's a zombie, for cryin' out loud. Zombies rule. Yes, they're traditionally slow and brainless, but that doesn't stop them from overrunning the human race in every scenario we can think of involving them. And while someone may argue that the zombies only win because of their sheer numbers, recall that every zombie uprising begin with a single zombie -- so to discount the strength and worth of the individual here would be reckless and stupid. Besides, zombies have been known to take on sharks and hold their own (cf. Lucio Fulci's Zombi 2). If a fucking shark can't bring down a zombie, what chance does a monkey have?

Zombie #1.However, zombies do have their weaknesses. In addition to being slow and none too bright -- though we must note that Kerry, like Dirge, is particularly sharp for a zombie -- because they're dead and all messed up, zombies have a hard time maintaining a consistent position on anything. However, this isn't necessarily a bad thing. I mean if you let a zombie loose in a gymnasium with a single marathon runner inside, of course the zombie's going to go after that marathon runner. But throw a little girl with a broken ankle in there and it's not even thinking about Mr. Track-and-Field when it's gorging itself on the tender young flesh and sucking the seat of intelligence -- teh BrAiN!!!! -- from her broken corpse out through her bleeding nose. Some call that flip-flopping; others call it adapting. (Some call it noshing, too.) It's a very human trait, which makes sense, because zombies are us. Which is readily apparent when one takes into account the fact that we've actually been influenced by the political bullshit both sides have been spraying at us from their septic tank spin machines.


So on November 2nd, assuming you're of voting age and are registered and all, cast your vote for the winner of this epic smackdown. MONKEY VERSUS ZOMBIE, BANANAS VERSUS BRAINS, PRIMATE VERSUS DEADITE -- WHICH SHALL WIN?!?!?!? But allow me to pose a significant question. When the smoke has cleared, will it really matter? The monkey is stupid; the zombie flip-flops all for the taste of sweet sweet brains. But there's more! Recall that, in many zombie origin tales, the "disease" was contracted from the bite of a monkey. And recall that, thenceforth, the disease was spread by the bite of a zombie. The result was identical. And if cause and effect are related such that a unique effect requires a unique cause to bring it about -- for if the cause were different in some way, the effect would also differ in some way -- does it not stand to reason, then, that the monkey and the zombie are practically identical in nature? THE HORROR!!!

To Kingdom Come or bust, baby.But even if this reasoning is somehow flawed -- highly unlikely, but anything's possible -- so what? Whether the zombie wins or not, the media will continue to gnaw at our brains until there's nothing left and we're all nothing more than mindless, drooling zombies, such that if the zombie loses this election, we'll have no choice but to elect one in 2008, because all of the candidates will be zombies! And that's assuming there even is a 2008 election, because if we leave the monkey in the control room without the man in the yellow hat it's going to go apeshit, pressing war buttons and making "nukular" weapons and shit and probably get us all blown to Kingdom Come. And when we get there, I've got dibs on Wonder Woman in the eagle armor. She's hella fine.

You decide.

Monkey. Zombie. November 2nd. You decide.

-- Wes --

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