And now, Scary-Crayon presents...

the true nature of


by: Wes

You think you know the truth about Peter Pan.

Pan versus Hook... is this how it happened?

You don't.

Yes, Hook was a pirate -- that much is true. He and his troupe of maritime marauders sailed the salty seas for many a year, ransacking many a town and raping many a woman in their quest for wealth they would never spend, for the only payment the sea requires is the occasional life when her fury is at its zenith. And though it is true that in later years Hook began to understand the futility of his profession and, as a result, carried out his duties with less regularity and considerably less zeal, even at his most noble he never aspired to what one label call a "decent" man. After all, a pirate with a sinister moustache and a hook for a hand can only be capable of so much good.

But Pan was worse. Can you guess why?

Consider the facts: Pan could fly, and Pan never grew old. Do you know of any other creatures who fit that description -- particularly the part about never aging? And would it help if I told you that Pan also drank blood?


Yes, Virginia, Peter Pan was a vampire.

Oh, I know what you're thinking: "But the sun rose in Neverland!" And I assure you that what you've read or seen is mere fiction, for in truth, it did not. Do you know how Neverland got its name? You soon will. First, it must be noted that the proper name of the country is actually two words -- that is, Never Land -- and that even that is not the original name of the country. Before Pan arrived in that haunted land, it was known by another name, but everyone who lived in those times died long ago. Moreover, all documents from those days are curiously absent from the file, such that many believe that there never was a time when Never Land was not plagued by Pan and his Damned Boys (the "lost" in Lost Boys is merely a euphemism) -- that the story of a Never Land without Pan was invented to give people hope. After all, one might reason, if Pan could come to Never Land, it was assumed that he could just as well leave. But let us return to the name of the country.

It has been suggested that the "land" in Never Land is not a noun, but a verb, and that the country was so named because everyone there remained perpetually young, perpetually carefree, perpetually happy -- despite their battles with Hook and his pirates -- such that its inhabitants perpetually soared aloft -- if not in body, then in spirit -- and never landed. This explanation, while interesting, is patently false. The sun never rose in Never Land. For this reason, given the nature of the creatures that plagued the country, the people were never safe in Never Land. Pan and his bloodthirsty clan visited them at all hours, and to be visited by Pan was to die in bloodless agony. So they fled. And owing to the dangers of the terrain, the people could never return to Never Land. That is how it got its name. At one time, Hook and his pirates were paid an enormous sum of gold to drive the vampires from the country, with the promise of even more rewards and honors if they were successful in their task. But you know enough of the story to know that they failed.

The death of Tiger Lily.

Oh, I know what you're thinking: "But you've forgotten Tiger Lily and the Indian tribe!" First, I feel compelled to remind you that -- in the spirit of political correctness -- the proper term for Tiger Lily and her people is "Native Never Landers", and I assure you that I haven't forgotten them at all. Unfortunately for them, the bloodthirsty Pan remembered them as well. Having defeated the pirates and sucked them dry, he and his band sought out the Native Never Landers -- which was not terribly easy; in truth, they were a nomadic tribe -- and, having worked up quite an appetite in the search, fell upon Tiger Lily and her people, tearing out their throats and gorging on their blood with repulsive voracity. The Native princess ensured her place in legend by being one of only a few to slay one of the Damned Boys with a wooden dagger through the heart, but that did not keep the courage that flowed in her veins from gushing forth from her neck into Pan's convulsing gullet.

What's that, you say? "But you've forgotten Wendy, John, and Michael!" And here I must reiterate what I've already told you -- that story was merely a fiction. However, there were three children by those names who played a small role in the true story of Pan. What role, you ask? They were his first English victims. With all of Never Land's inhabitants gone, either to brighter countries or to the grave, Pan now takes his victims from our world at night, for, owing to the rotation of our planet about the position of the sun, it is always night somewhere. Soon enough, it will be night for you.

Sleep tight...

Sleep tight...

-- Wes --

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