And now, Scary-Crayon reviews...


by: Wes

So. There's a good chance that if you're old enough to be reading this page, you know about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The old ones, not the new ones currently airing on the Fox Box. You've probably seen a few or a dozen or 85% of the old cartoons, and at least the first two live action movies. And thanks to sites like X-Entertainment, you've probably even heard of that dreadful fiasco that was "We Wish You A Turtle Christmas". But given that there are only two comments for it on IMDB, I'm betting most of you never even knew there was a two-part TMNT anime, let alone saw more than a couple of short clips on The Official TMNT Web Site. But now that you know, feel free to rush Ebay in search of a copy -- that's where I got mine. In the meantime, you'll just have to be content with an ultra special image intensive three-part Scary-Crayon review of episode one of "Mutant Turtles: Chôjin densetsu hen". Read on, won't you?

We begin about a third of the way into our story. Because TMNT was an American phenomenon, and because the Japanese are honorable enough not to plunge it into the trademark insanity for which their country is known without some kind of explanation, we get this backstory that is presented as if it happened in a previous episode. It's not. I checked. The anime was only two parts, and I've got 'em both. Besides, it mostly consists of animation segments from the following episode. But then again, this is anime, so that doesn't necessarily mean anything. At any rate, if you find yourself saying, "Deja vu!" more than once, please don't be alarmed. The Matrix does NOT have you. No, you're in the grip of something far more amazing. Even more amazing than squid-ink pizza. The birthplace of squid-ink pizza.

The Turtles have Mutastones!

So we get a recap of what supposedly happened last time. The Turtles found themselves in the underground shrine of the "Newtorino Kingdom" -- which I can only assume is sacred temple of the Japanese Neutrinos -- where Kris Mu, the "spirit of light" (see fairy in the above image), gives them each a "Mutastone", capable of transforming them into...

These stones are capable of transforming the turtles into Super turtles only for 3 minutes.

(limited time only)

The picture says it all, really. Worth a thousand words and then some.

Of course, since this is anime, it goes without saying that if the good guys come across something to magnify their powers, the bad guys are going to find a dark counterpart to make themselves more powerful than the powered-up heroes. To that effect, Krang and Shredder stumble across the Dark Mutastone, which transforms them into...



See that dragon looking thing? That's not a Transformers Dinobot, folks -- that's the Shredder. Yep.

So with Shredder morphing into a Dinobot reject, things don't look good for our heroes. However, it also goes without saying in anime that the heroes will pull some special power out of their asses to make them even more powerful than the ultra-powerful villains. Today's powerup from between the toned and sweaty cheeks of justice, you ask?

Saint Mutation!Wasted.


The turtles LET THEIR POWERS COMBINE to become the Turtle Saint, THE MOST POWERFUL TURTLE IN ALL OF EXISTENCE. And in true anticlimactic fashion, they summarily whoop evil ass with a single sword thrust. The end.


OR IS IT????


Mutant Turtles The legend of Super...HUMAN???

Into darkness
Even if we get consumed by it,
We don't panic.

Courage that knows no limit
And fighting spirit that surpasses the legends
Overflow in our shells

Courage that knows no limit

Go Go Turtles
With a transformation that amplifies their power
Go Go Turtles
Scatter away the villainous gang

We're turtles (We're turtles)
Fighting turtles (Fighting turtles)
We're not sluggish turtles

Punch one and two

Punch one and two (Punch one and two)
Kick that wham-bams (Kick that wham-bams)
Mutants who were born to defend the peace of earth

Go Go Turtles
With stunning transformation
Go Go Turtles
Reverse dangerous situations

Turtles that shine

We're turtles (We're turtles)
Turtles that shine (Turtles that shine)
When our hearts become one
A miraculous merging is possible

Super Turtles in Danger!
The Debut of the Saint!

Super Turtles in Danger! The Debut of the Saint!By some incredible force.

Hey, waitasecond here. I thought the Saint already debuted? You know, last time? At any rate, we begin the episode in space. Something strange is going on up there, and the captain of a NASA shuttle is trying to relay a message to headquarters -- it seems that "Stars keep on vanishing... By some incredible force." HQ's reply:

Did you leave your glasses on earth, captain?

"Did you leave your glasses on earth, captain?"

By the way, take note of the bag. Yep, he's lovin' it. Anyway, the captain gets takes offense at having been accused of forgetting his glasses, so he and the communications guy proceed to bicker about it for a full minute. While they're doing that, though, we get a glimpse of something pink on the underside of the shuttle. What ever could that be???

You bastard.


But that doesn't make sense, because, in the very next scene, we see Krang in the Technodrome, along with Shredder, Bebop, and Rocksteady. Maybe this is later and they just forgot to tell us? OR MAYBE THERE'S ANOTHER BRAIN CREATURE OUT THERE??? They're all over the new TMNT series, by the way, so tune in to Fox on Saturday mornings if you like 'em Krang Utrom thingies. It'll never come up again in the anime, though, so don't hold your breath. :(

I got it, Sawaki chan.Don't call me by that name.

Down in the Technodrome, Krang exclaims that it's the end of the earth; Shredder dismisses his claim as ridiculous and, for the first of many times, refers to him as a "stupid octopus." Krang's reply? "I got it, Sawaki chan." Apparently, Shredder does not like being called "Sawaki chan". Can't imagine why. And look at Shredder's new helmet! Krang looks more/less the same, but they really decked the Shred-dude out in the land of the rising sun. And you have to hear Krang's voice -- there's no way I can do his high-pitched squeals justice in words. Go download those clips now.

Anyway, apparently a creature called Dark Mu lives in the Dark Mutastone, and, if revived, Dark Mu has the power to destroy the earth. Krang's all about that, so they're trying to wake the bugger up -- and Krang explains that the stars are vanishing because Dark Mu is about to awaken. I don't know why, and Shredder replies, "How roundabout. Why wouldn't you just destroy the earth first?" As I understood it, Krang wasn't really causing the stars to disappear -- it was more like a side effect -- so Shredder's question doesn't really make sense. It makes more sense, however, than Krang's reply: "Because I have the personality of a kitten." Shredder just raises an eyebrow -- THE "EYEBROW" OF HIS METAL MASK -- and gives Krang a weird look. Shredder's going to tempt fate and ask another question, though:

I don't object to destroying the earth, but where will we live after that happens?

"I don't object to destroying the earth, but
where will we live after that happens?"

We can live in Dimension X.

"We can live in Dimension X."

Well, glad we got that settled.

What?What? Why? No!

Or not...

-- CONTINUED!!! --

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