And now, Scary-Crayon reviews...


pasteurized processed sandwich slices

by: Wes

While strolling through the Scary-Crayon kitchen,
two unlikely companions stumble across an unlikely product...

Splinter and Mummato...

Splinter: Mummato-san, we appear to have discovered a package of Whitehall pasteurized processed sandwich slices. Well, that's a lengthy and complicated name for cheese slices, wouldn't you say? And apparently they came from the dollar store... from the refrigerator of the dollar store, even. Did you even know that dollar stores had refrigerators?

Mummato: Actually, Splinter-san, I did. Before awakening in the early nineties, I spent thousands of years in one.

Splinter: The wisdom of the ages is with you, ancient withered tomato. Perhaps it will come in handy as we examine the package and its contents more closely...


Mummato: BEHOLD THE EERIE GLOW OF THE CHEESE!!! Except the word "cheese" is nowhere to be found on the packaging -- instead, we have "pasteurized processed sandwich slices". Hmmm...

Splinter: Look closer, Mummato-san -- look not for what you cannot see, but what you can see.

Mummato: Holy crap, you're right! It may not say "cheese", but it does say "sin colesterol". SIN colesterol!!! Could it be any more obvious? Clearly something evil is afoot.

Splinter: Uhm...that's not what I meant. You do know that "sin" means "without" in Spanish, don't you? "Sin colesterol" is just the translation of "cholesterol free".

Mummato: NO, Splinter, that's what they want you to think. But that's a good point, relating it to the text above -- I think this package is trying to tell us something very deep about the nature of freedom. You see, the cholesterol is free -- free to sin. It's also free to drop the "H" from its name as it pleases. But whether that "H" stood for "honor", "humility", or "hairy armpits" -- since in addition to being free to sin, it's also free to shave -- or none of the above, I cannot say.

Splinter: Well! I don't know how to respond to that, so let's just flip the package over and examine the ingredients.


Splinter: So we've got water, partially hydrogenated soybean oil, food starch, casein and/or caseinate...

Mummato: STOP! What in the bleeding hell is "casein and/or caseinate"? And don't they know which it is?

Splinter: According to, casein is "a white, tasteless, odorless protein precipitated from milk by rennin. It is also the basis of cheese and is used to make plastics, adhesives, paints, and foods." And caseinate is a salt of casein. Okay?

Mummato: That may be true, Splinter-san, but which of those things containing casein accurately describe Whitehall pasteurized processed sandwich slices? We've already seen that the word "cheese" is nowhere to be found...

Splinter: We shall see soon enough! Moving on, there's whey...


Splinter: ...modified food starch, salt, natural flavor...

Mummato: Yes, but the natural flavor of what? For all you know, it could be natural feces flavor. Are you even listening?

And the listing continues...

Splinter: ...sodium citrate, sodium phosphate, stabilizers, including xanthan gum, locust bean gum, and guar gum...

Mummato: Locust bean gum? As in locusts, swarming harbingers of plague and death???

Splinter: As in the locust tree, I believe.

Mummato: SEZ YOU!!!

Splinter: ...and finally, sorbic acid as a preservative, lactic acid, and artificial color.

Mummato: So you mean to tell me that this ghastly shade of white is the result of artificial coloring? What color could have been so horrifying that they were compelled to make the stuff the exact color of unholy bandages capable of sustaining a thousand-year old tomato and withered fabrics created to keep mutant rats from walking around naked? I WONDER!!! What say you, Splinter-san?


Splinter: Forgive me, Mummato-san, but I do believe that you are reading far too much into the nature of this "cheese". I think that perhaps your being a monstrous tomato makes you inclined to see similar qualities in other foodstuffs even where they are lacking... But perhaps my own experiences and interests are reflected in my thinking on this matter. The Turtles came this close to being named Adler, Freud, Jung, and Pavlov, you know.

Mummato: A respectable opinion, honorable rat! And I might agree with you if I didn't hear voices coming from this pasteurized processed sandwich slice at this very moment. DON'T BELIEVE ME?? Lean forward and hear for yourself!


Splinter: Er...I don't hear anything. On the other hand, I don't smell anything either, which, given my heightened ratty senses, I must admit is rather peculiar. Perhaps we should exercise caution in examining this "cheese" after all...


Splinter: Mummato-san! WAIT!!!!!!

Translation: THE CHEESE HAS MY SOUL!!!!!!!!!!

Mummato: EL QUESO TIENE MI ALMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

''These will not protect you.''''I wear the cheese; it does not wear me.''



''Where...where did I go?''

Mummato: Haaah haaah haah haa........ Splinter-san...? Where...where did I go?

Splinter: For one brief moment, Mummato-san, you faded from this reality and passed into a parallel dimension! Tell me, ancient scary tomato -- what mysteries did you glimpse through the lense of the "cheese"? What wisdoms? Have you returned with any fundamental truths to further the universal quest for enlightenment?

Mummato: I...saw...that cheese guy from that Buffy episode! And EVIL GRANNIES!!! And fire. Whole lotta fire. Yep.

Master Splinter's ear got chopped off.

Splinter: Forgive me for doubting you, Mummato! You were right all along about the horror of Whitehall pasteurized processed sandwich slices! The clever wording of the package is misleading while at the same time curiously honest, much like the words of Satan himself! That ghastly artificial color truly does mask the color that would convey the terrifying truth -- that within these false cheese slices lies the GATEWAY TO HELL!!! I...wait, what are you doing???

He's eatin' da cheese, foo'.

Mummato: What does it look like? I'M EATIN' DA CHEESE, FOO'!!!

Splinter: But...didn't you say it transported you to a Hell dimension?

Mummato: Yup. *munchmunch*

Splinter: And didn't you say there were a cheese guy and grannies and fire (oh my)?

Mummato: Mhhmmm. *chompchew*

Splinter: And you actually want to go BACK there?

Mummato: YES! Flame-broiled grannies are delicious. EVEN BETTER WITH IMITATION CHEESE. You comin'?

Splinter: ........................... No.



Actually, Whitehall pasteurized processed sandwich slices ain't all that bad -- truth to be told, they're tastier and more flavorful than some cheese slices I've sampled that actually had the word "cheese" written on their packaging and cost more than a dollar to buy. Not only that, but Whitehall has a variety of flavors -- my favorite thus far being the jalapeno slices, though I haven't had the pleasure of sampling the swiss cheese sandwich slices yet. So what if they feel eerily like plastic and absolutely will not melt in the microwave no matter how long you leave them in? Whitehall's made a fan of me, and you can bet on seeing their products in upcoming food features on SC. STAY TUNED!!!  :D

-- Wes --

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