And now, Scary-Crayon presents...


by: Wes

There are things in this world that not even the divine can withstand -- things that make the gods fall to their pristine knees in their palaces on high and quiver in sheer terror of these unholy creations. In the Greek myths, the gods so feared the Titans that they imprisoned them in the center of the earth. Zeus was so terrified of his wife, Hera, that to escape her watchful eye he transformed into animals during his adulterous missions. Cupid was so frightened of what his mother would do to his mortal wife that he kept their love a secret, and Venus, like the wicked queen in Snow White, was so afraid of being besting in the game of beauty that she acted like an evil bitch most of the time. Prometheus scared the shit out of the gods with words alone. In "Dragon Ball Z", the gods were so afraid of every would-be unstoppable badass who came to earth in search of Son Goku that they trembled and muttered to themselves a lot about the awesome power of these menacing foes (though they should've known that the heroes would pull some incredible move out of their asses to save the day once more). In Norse mythology, the gods were frightened of a really big snake named Jörmungandr. On Scary-Crayon, McGriddles were scared of this sandwich. McGriddles are not gods.

Nonetheless, they would be terrified of what you'll soon see, as were the gods themselves -- according to legend, Zeus once encountered the result of this unholy culinary enterprise and tearfully collapsed in a mudhole filled with his own shit, where he wallowed and thrashed about in an insane display of unbridled fear. (At the time, you see, Zeus was in the form of a pig, for he had been trying to bone a buxom farmgirl with a scat fetish. Alas, Zeus's courtship proved unsuccessful, for while he, a god, was merely frightened by the sandwich, the girl died. Zeus still got some, though.) Then the shit baked and hardened in the sun, petrifying Zeus for a time -- this, you see, is how the sandwich got its name. So naturally, as this meal has the power to produce such a reaction in Olympus's highest, we can't expect mere action figures to speak during its genesis. They know what's about to transpire, and their lips are sealed. IN FEAR.

Choose your onion rings.

Above, then, Rocksteady, Slash, and Walkabout stand silently around a plate of frozen onion rings, the first thing that you'll need if you want to create THE SANDWICH THAT PETRIFIES THE GODS in your own home. Well, your onion rings needn't be frozen -- you can use any onion rings you want, really, from fast food rings to beer-battered bar takeout deals to onion ring tempura to home-sliced rings dipped in pancake batter. What you use is up to you! If you choose to go the frozen route, you'll have to decide whether you want yours made from whole onions or diced ones. Personally, I prefer the diced ones, as with a sandwich like this you may have trouble biting completely through the whole onion rings (you'll see what I mean in a bit), but for this particular sandwich we're going to use both kinds. The three whole rings at the top are Giant frozen onion rings (not highly recommended; more breadcrumbs than onion); the five diced 'uns below are Farm Rich rings (good stuff, baby). Anyway, once you've chosen your rings...

TIME TO FRY!'s time to fry those suckers in oil! Assuming you got frozen ones, anyway -- if you got restaurant rings, you needn't do anything except maybe keep them warm and crispy in a toaster oven. You could microwave them, too, but that'll make them soggy -- definitely not a good idea if your rings are made from whole onions. Diced rings, however, can be microwaved with acceptable results, whether you got them fast or frozen, so if you've got frozen diced rings and you're trying to lose weight you could forego the frying in favor of the microwave. Microwaved rings are less terrifying, though.

Regular bread? NOT FOR THE SANDWICH THAT PETRIFIES THE GODS!!!So. Now that your onion rings are frying or microwaving or keepin' toasty in the oven, it's time for you to choose the particular "bread" for your sandwich, because sandwiches require that their contents be surrounded on two sides by either an edible bread-like substance or two consenting adults -- and as impressive as THE SANDWICH THAT PETRIFIES THE GODS is, it ain't made to satisfy the latter kind of appetite. Now, you could make your sandwich with normal bread, like what Rocksteady's got there, but if you did that you wouldn't be making THE SANDWICH THAT PETRIFIES THE GODS. No, you'd be making Scary-Crayon's Onion Ring Sandwich, which is what would've been resulted had an ancient incarnation of Wes not gone insane during the process of preparing one. However, if you'd rather not die from eating your sandwich, or if you're trying to lose weight (heh, good luck), or if you're JUST TOO DAMNED SCARED LIKE THOSE CANDY-ASS GODS, go ahead and make it with regular bread. And if you're one of those carb-counting people, make it with no bread -- but then you're not even eating a sandwich. You're just eating onion rings. Which is all well and good, but you get no bonus points for that.

They're baaaaaack...

Nope, if you wanna chow down with THE SANDWICH THAT PETRIFIES THE GODS, you're gonna have to break out the doughnuts donuts. Given the horrors we encountered during our recent excursion to Krispy Kreme, it only seemed fitting that we use the KK wares in this unholy culinary creation, but any glazed donuts will do. Hell, you could try making it with cake donuts or even powdered donuts if you like -- the latter, assuming it even worked, would probably be especially petrifying -- but I don't think attempting to make this sandwich with jelly-filled donuts or chocolate-frosted donuts would be a very good idea. Still, you're welcome to try... just make sure to e-mail us with the results.

Slice the donut.

Whitehall sandwich slices, jalapeño flavored!So once you've got your donut all picked out, you know what to do -- slice it in half like you would a bagel. A sweet, soft, sticky bagel. Mmmm. Then, slowly unzi... no, no, that's what Zeus would do, and we've already scared him off. That's glaze, damnit! Anyway, at this point you'll also want to pick out the kind of cheese you want on your sandwich, assuming you want cheese at all. And you should. We, however, won't using cheese. No, we're going to use a Whitehall sandwich slice. In addition to not actually being cheese, these ones are jalapeño flavored, thus giving them a flavorful connection to the infernal realms. And let's not forget -- Sin Colesterol. Can you think of a more appropriate addition to THE SANDWICH THAT PETRIFIES THE GODS??? Me neither.


Unless you're on the Atkins and/or Angus "diets", that is, in which case these babies should chill you to your very marrow. Long before Burger King started up with the idiotic Dr. Angus crap, they used to have a charming little sandwich called the Rodeo Cheeseburger. I think it started off as a more expensive menu item and was eventually downsized for its 99-cent debut, but in neither case did it get the attention it truly deserved for being what it was -- a cheeseburger topped with barbecue sauce and onion rings. Yes, THEY PUT ONION RINGS ON THE BURGER!!! I forget how they tried to play it up when it initially debuted, but the ads certainly lacked the weirdness emphasis that's placed on, say, McGriddles, which are in reality far less exciting. Even as a kid, I was shoving pancakes and sausage and eggs into my mouth at the same time, but never did I think to put onion rings on my burgers until Burger King showed me the way. These days, however, I no longer eat beef, so I turn to veggie burgers to fill the void -- and to that end, enter Vegelicious! Vegetable Burgers. No, they don't taste like meat burgers, nor do they try to -- as it says on the website, they "proclaim their veggie origins with large visible chunks of carrots, zucchini, spinach and onions in every bite." But that's part of their charm! Well, that and the drawings of slap-happy vegetables on the back of the box.

Visible... vegetable... chunks.

See? Lotsa visible veggie chunks. I know what you're thinking, but trust me -- they're hardly awful tasting. In fact, they're the best veggie burgers I've had so far, and are far tastier than veggie burgers that try to be something they aren't. Highly recommended. (And no, Vegelicious! didn't pay me for the free advertising.) Besides, with THE SANDWICH THAT PETRIFIES THE GODS, we've gotta have something mildly healthy in there. I mean, look at what we've got so far...

Stacked and frying goodness.Oh, did I forget to tell you that you're supposed to fry the donut slices too? Add those suckers to the pan if you haven't already. You don't have to fry them on both sides -- some prefer to fry just the unglazed interior faces -- but I like to do both. Sure, you lose a lot of the glaze in the hot grease, but what remains gets fried into the donut. Also, the glaze tends to get into whatever else you're frying too, making for interesting results if you reuse your grease. (Fish with a hint of sweet donut glaze is pretty tasty.) Anyway, to get everything in the pan you may have to do some stacking, which is good since your onion rings have been in there for a little while now and you wouldn't want to burn them too much. And I know it seems to defeat the purpose of using a healthy Vegelicious! burger, but take your veggie burger (or whatever patty you decided to use instead) and toss it in the pan too.


Oh, and don't forget to add your Whitehall jalapeño flavored sandwich slice (or your pathetic cheese slice) around this time too. Don't put it in the grease, mind you, just put it on top of whatever you've stacked so that it gets warm and begins to melt. That is, assuming it does melt, because Whitehall slices don't. They just get kinda soft and lazy.

Almost there...

Anyway, when you're satisfied with how your fixins have cooked, turn off the stove, remove them from the grease, and place them on a plate with a paper towel on top -- for excess oil drainage, of course. I absolutely do not recommend skipping the paper towel step -- this thing is gonna be greasy enough as it is even after the paper towel is saturated, and trying to eat this thing without that is like eating the sandwich while drinking a beverage of PURE GREASE at the same time. Yes, the thought of that is even more terrifying, but let's try not to be stupid here. Use common sense. So after the fixins have drained a bit (don't wait too long -- you don't want them to get cold!), remove them from the paper towel and start stacking your sandwich. Be especially careful, however, when removing the donut halves, as their sticky nature makes them likely to take pieces of the paper towel along with them, which you probably wouldn't even be able to taste but would probably rather not ingest all the same. Besides, they'll leave behind a treat for you...

Mmmm... shard candy! And lots of grease.

SHARD CANDY!!!! And just what is shard candy, you ask? Well, as you pry the donuts from the paper towel, they'll leave behind a thin strings of molten glaze... strings that will quickly harden to produce shard candy -- so named because they resemble little glass shards. You could potentially avoid having these by frying only on one side, because then you'd only need to drain them on the glaze-less side... but c'mon, everyone likes shard candy. In the negative image above, it appears as the pointy-looking and sometimes round radioactive globs, whereas the rest of that stuff is frickin' grease. Yep; without that paper towel, you'd be ingesting ALL of that. Of course, you may end up ingesting it anyway -- if you thought getting the donut off the paper towel without taking pieces of the latter along, it's even more difficult to eat shard candy without doing so because the shard candy cools very quickly. Ultimately, it's not worth the trouble to eat it (unless you like paper, that is). Sure looks cool in the negative, though. ;P


So, once the contents have drained enough and are cool enough for you to handle, it's time for you to finish construction of THE SANDWICH THAT PETRIFIES THE GODS. As you can see, our version is quite a tall feller -- and this is after eating an onion ring or two to make the thing small enough to fit in my mouth... though opening wide enough to bite into it was still a slightly painful experience, given that I'm not a cartoon and therefore can't do the things that Scooby and Shaggy and Jughead can do. But yeah, fit it together -- donut halves on the top and bottom, and preferably with onion rings hemming in the central patty. Stick the cheese wherever you like, thus completing your masterpiece! Oh, how the gods will tremble at the horrors you have wrought! For this is... THE SANDWICH THAT PETRIFIES THE GODS!!!

You may have difficulty beginning to eat this thing, let alone knowing where to begin -- THE SANDWICH THAT PETRIFIES THE GODS is, per its name, a daunting sandwich that may leave you petrified, transfixed in awe of its incredible beauty and power. Take a moment to bask in its greasy glow, for it is not a meal to be taken lightly.

It's... AMAZING.When you do come out of the trance and take a bite, however, you'll find that it's freakin' DELICIOUS -- unlike other food creations we've made, where every ingredient's unique taste is represented but never at the exact same moment, THE SANDWICH THAT PETRIFIES THE GODS sends all of its various flavors to assault your tongue AT ONCE. I'm not sure why that's the case here -- I'm tempted to say that it's the result of frying everything in the same grease at more/less the same time, not to mention the melted donut glaze that spread throughout the grease during the frying, but all I know is that it's bloody insane. I mean, you've got crispy onion rings and sweet bread and assorted soft mushy warm veggie greatness (because the veggie burger apparently didn't get crispy all the way through) and a jalapeño splash coming at you all at once -- it's very easy to be overwhelmed, especially given that this onslaught follows the initial pain in your jaw from opening your mouth so wide. I've never done smack, but this has gotta be akin to the heroin rush after the initial prick of the needle. Wow.

THE SANDWICH THAT PETRIFIES THE GODS, then, earns one of our highest recommendations, and not just because it's the most unhealthy thing yet on SC and because I'd love to see you all drop dead of obesity and/or other cholesterol related problems (though, it must be repeated, the "cheese" is Sin Colesterol!!) -- it really is AMAZING. But if you're not willing to give it a shot, I totally understand. I mean, it petrifies the gods for cryin' out loud! We can't expect mere mortals to bravely face its overpowering multi-faceted chimeric taste. So don't feel too bad -- there's no shame in backing down from THE SANDWICH THAT PETRIFIES THE GODS. Cowards. :P

Please stand by.

Fuck, I don't have anything else to add. How does one end an article about a legendary sandwich so great that it once left Zeus himself petrified in his own feces? Actually, perhaps mentioning that is the perfect way to end -- in addition to everything else this sandwich has to its credit, always remember that it baked Zeus solid in his adulterous feces-covered tracks. Not really the best thing to be thinking about when you're about to eat, but maybe it should be, since I have no idea what kind of damage this sandwich will do to your digestive tract. Hey, maybe that's one of the real reasons it petrifies the gods -- it leaves them sitting still on their bowls for hours on end! Well, now you know why so many statues feature the gods sitting down. Still, you can take it -- at least once. Suck it up and, as they say on "The Outer Limits", experience the awe and mystery that is... THE SANDWICH THAT PETRIFIES THE GODS. Well, they don't actually mention the sandwich on that show, but they should. Look at it. I think we need a creepy moral to close.

It is easy to turn our backs on things we do not know or understand, and easier still to trust reputation and never explore anything for ourselves... but when a sandwich is known as THE SANDWICH THAT PETRIFIES THE GODS, we owe it to the human race to set aside our fears and prejudices and examine this edible artifact... with our own two eyes and numerous tastebuds.

Please stand by.

-- Wes --

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