And now, Scary-Crayon presents...

A Random Lunch

by: Wes

One sunny day in the Scary-Crayon kitchen...

Darkwing Duck: Eeeeenteresting. Apparently we have mashed potatoes, baked beans, and a tortilla with cheese on it. Two of these ingredients would not be out of place in a TV dinner kit, but alas, we do not have a plastic tray with separate compartments on it. Instead, we have a bowl. This, I admit, dear friends, confounds me. And what is the meaning of this strange tortilla. What strange activities are about to transpire here?

Whiplash: Well, DW, I don't have your amazing deductive skills, but...I think some or all of these ingredients are going to be combined in that there bowl.

Narlihog: *OINK* Idiot! Nobody would do that! *OINK*

Narlihog: *OINK* Errr...I stand corrected. It's too horrible! I can't look.

Darkwing Duck: Well. This is indeed peculiar...

Whiplash: Hey Narl, I thought you said you weren't going to look?

Narlihog: *OINK* I'm not looking.

Darkwing Duck: Holy crap, that's his ass?!?! Looks just like his face!!!

Narlihog: Screw you, DW -- you're no beauty queen either. *OINK*

Darkwing Duck: Maybe not, but I don't have a beak on my ass.

Whiplash: Well, that piece of cheese has been torn up and added to the top of this strange mixture of potatoes and beans... This is getting stranger by the minute.


Whiplash: Uh, dude, that's his face. See the snout?

Narlihog: It's okay, Whip. He's just lucky I'm too disgusted to gnaw his legs off at the moment.

Whiplash: So, into the microwave with the stuff. I guess we'll melt the cheese and stir it around a bit. How exciting!

Darkwing Duck: Yeah, better'n a kegger. Hey, where'd assface go?

Narlihog: I'm frightened... *OINK*

Whiplash: Hey Narl, where'd you run off to?

Narlihog: *OINK* Oh, just went to investigate...I think I've figured out what's going to happen next. But what happened with you two? Weren't you guys supposed to melt the cheese?

Darkwing Duck: Dude, we left this shit in there for four minutes. I believe there's something unholy about this potato-bean concoction that makes it heat resistant. Go ahead and touch it -- it's still cold!!!

Whiplash:'s freaky. But why's it spread out on the tortilla now? We didn't do it, and I don't understand.

Narlihog: Well, yeah, that's in preparation for what's going to happen next...

Darkwing Duck: Yes, I see now... It's on the greased frying pan. Being toasted. Amazing.

Whiplash: Yup. Uh, Narl...what are you doing up there?

Narlihog: *OINK* Staying the hell away so grease doesn't pop in my fur.

Darkwing Duck: Or on your ass, maybe???

Narlihog: FYI, It's also the perfect height for coming down with Randy Savage's FLYING ELBOW!!! OH YEAH!!! *OINK*

Whiplash: Um, you don't have any elbows.

Narlihog: Just as elbows are unnecessary for snapping into Slim Jims, they are unnecessary for kicking purple-clad feathered fowl ass.

Darkwing Duck: Beakless. In the description of my ass, you forgot beakless. As in, one of the many things that makes it easy to distinguish my ass from my face. I don't have eyes on my ass either.

Narlihog: *OINK* AHA! So that explains why you can't see how much shit you spew.

Whiplash: Uh, guys, can we stay on topic? Give it a rest, kiss and make up, and let's concentrate on the task at hand!

Darkwing Duck: I'm not kissing that mug, dude.

Narlihog: *OINK* Whatever; let's drop it. So...what the hell is that? *OINK*

Darkwing Duck: I think it's...A BURRITO!!!! And burritos belong on plates!!!

Whiplash: So, here we are. THE FOOD EXPERIMENT IS COMPLETE!!!

Narlihog: *OINK!* No, I don't think it's quite finished yet. These salt and pepper shakers must be here for a reason.

Darkwing Duck: Must they be?

Narlihog: Nah, they could just be lying around for no reason whatsoever. See, this is why design arguments always fail. *OINK*

Whiplash: Who cares? Let's season this thing already.

Darkwing Duck: There! It's done.

Whiplash: So.

Narlihog: *OINK!* So.

Darkwing Duck: SO-HO.

Whiplash: Is that what I think it is?

Narlihog: Do you think it's a cheese, mashed potato, and baked bean burrito? *OINK*

Darkwing Duck: I think I'm gonna be sick.


Not bad! But not terribly great, either. Exactly what you'd expect cheese, mashed potatoes, and baked beans inside a toasted flour tortilla to taste like, actually. I'm a tad disappointed -- I hoped it'd be either inexplicably delicious or unbelievably repellent. At least that would've been kind of interesting. As it stands, the most interesting thing about the finished product is that it looks like the discarded dirty diaper of a diarrhetic baby rescued just in time from a burning apartment complex. Oh yeah, and there's the fact that it's a cheese, mashed potato, and baked bean burrito -- unless you decide to make one yourself, you'll never see another in your lifetime. Perhaps that's for the best.

-- Wes --

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