And now, Scary-Crayon presents...
Okay. If you don't read the book pages and remain blissfully ignorant of the Oprah-endorsed stupidity that continues to plague our society on a daily basis, you may never have heard of He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. If that's the case, count your blessings, because it's fucking stupid and you'd be depressed if you knew just how well this "no-excuses truth to understanding guys" is selling. Allow me to break out the thunder of depressing sales stats, lift up your rock, and rain on your sheltered parade, then: The book is currently ranked #3 on the New York Times Hardcover Advice Best-Seller list. Of course, that's got a lot to do with the fact that fucking Oprah backed it (note that #2 on the list is Dr. Phil's Family First, which, contrary to what one might infer from the title, does not bode well for our society, since, despite being a super hero, Dr. Phil fucking sucks), but probably more to do with the fact that people today -- and especially women -- are trained to be sheep, 'cause otherwise they wouldn't kowtow to Oprah's bullshit in the first place.
Anyway, I work at a bookstore (which is how I know about the book), and upon asking one overzealous woman who had been searching everywhere for the book just what the fuck makes He's Just Not That Into You so great, she responded, "Wow, it's like, the key to understanding the male mind! You just have to read it and see!" I found this interesting, because obviously she hadn't fucking read it -- otherwise she wouldn't be buying it, I hope -- but moreover because this book purported to give women the key to understanding my mind (assuming it makes sense to call me a male), yet neither Greg Behrendt nor Liz Tuccillo have ever contacted me with a survey in order to incorporate my answers into their book. At first I felt kinda left out, since I assumed that they called every other male on the planet but left me out for some reason, but then I figured that they probably hadn't bothered to question the majority of the world's men either -- and concluded that they must be powerful psychics with the ability to simultaneously read the mind of every man and, condensing their findings, present the perfect advice for women in the form of a simple 165-page book that retails for $19.95.
Then I borrowed He's Just Not That Into You and found that, contrary to the much more creative scenario I'd cooked up regarding the book's origins, it's one of the most idiotic titles I've ever wasted my precious time flipping through. Yeah, that's right, I checked it out, and I'm fucking amazed that women are enthusiastically reading it, let alone paying twenty bucks for it, let alone doing so willingly, because I might take the bullet if you held me at gunpoint and demanded that I read this title. I mean, really, you need Greg and Liz to tell you that a man's not interested in you if he's breaking up with you? Seriously, ladies, despite what this book tells you about how beautiful and smart you are, if you rushed out to buy this title, you're a bloody moron. And that's probably why he's just not that into you.
Still, we here at Scary-Crayon are sympathetic to the difficulties that women face in the world of dating, because with so many men interested in being "playaz" and "kicking game" and other assorted macho bullshit, it can be difficult to tell if he's really interested in you. And since He's Just Not That Into You is a Leviathanesque waste of your time (not to mention paper), we've compiled a list of ten ways to tell that He's Not Fucking Into You. The sooner you learn these telltale signs that he's not fucking into you, ladies, the sooner you'll be shacking up with the man of your dreams... or at least not sleeping next to the man of your nightmares.
I. If he has sleepovers with little boys well into his forties, he's not fucking into you (unless you're a little boy).
You'd think this would be a no-brainer, but given that Lisa Marie Presley somehow missed the common sense boat I figured we'd better keep the port open just a little longer. Okay. So he's rich, he's charming, he can sing, he can dance -- and if you're into vampires and zombies, Jacko's got both, since he looks like he's never seen the sun and (according to the tabloids) his nose is beginning to rot. But he sleeps with little boys. Not only that, he sleeps with little boys, admits it on national television, and then goes on to ask, "What's wrong with sharing your bed?" WHAT? Seriously, if that's the kind of man you're dating, unless you're a little boy, he's not fucking into you. And if you are, TELL SOMEBODY WHO CARES RIGHT AWAY. And don't let him give you any "Jesus juice", ok?
II. If you offer him the gift of immortality and he outright refuses -- and even goes so far as to beg you not to turn him into a vampire -- he's not fucking into you.
Don't be like Diana in Sergio Lapel's Drawing Blood and wait until the guy stakes you to WISE FWOM YO GWAVE and smell the wilting black roses -- take the hint and get out while you've got the chance. Seriously, most people would jump at the chance to become vampires. I mean, sure, they'd never be able to see the sun again, and they'd have to spend eternity feeding on the blood of the living to survive -- but really, is that so bad? The sun might make plants grow and fry straggling worms on the sidewalk, thus giving bluebirds hot meals, but what did it ever really do for human beings besides give us sunburn and inspire a bunch of stupid songs about what a beautiful day it is? (Hope you're still singing when you've got skin cancer, assholes.) And yeah, drinking blood of the innocent might suck if he's got a conscience, but it's not like he has to kill them. Besides, like certain vampires, he could always feed on only criminals -- or even rats or poodles. The choices are endless! And vampires fucking live forever, so he'd have plenty of time to discover what works for him. My point? Being a vampire would undeniably rule. So when a guy turns that down, and, moreover, says that he finds the thought of being with one person (you) forever to be revolting, that's a pretty big clue that he's not fucking into you. Stop pining over that mortal and start living your afterlife, girl -- after all, eternity isn't getting any shorter!
III. If he chases after you with a chainsaw while wearing makeup and a mask made of human skin, he's not fucking into you.
As a rule, a guy who tries to kill you isn't interested. Well, either that or he's got a really funny way of showing it. I mean, if you think about it, some of the other classic "into you" signs were present -- Leatherface took Sally home to meet his family, he pulled her chair out for her (before tying her to it), he was extremely enthusiastic about having her around, and he even showed her his favorite toy. Yeah, it's entirely possible that poor Leatherface was just misunderstood -- and that behind closed doors, when the mask came off, he would've been the perfect lover. On the other hand, is that really a chance you want to take??? Dude's house was littered with human bones! And for all of his hospitality, the guy clearly had issues. So even if he was, in fact, into Sally, I still don't recommend hooking up with a guy like this -- run the fuck away as fast as you can.
IV. If it doesn't bother him even a little that everywhere you go you're giving even your enemies a clear peek at the goods beneath your skirt, he's not fucking into you.
Ever wonder why they call them "Shyguys"? Fuck, you'd be shy too if all you had to do is look up to get a glimpse of the royal beaver. (Didn't you know? Princess Peach never wears panties.) But is Mario concerned? Not in the least! Now, there are those who would say that that's because he's secure in the knowledge that while she may be showing her snatch to the entire Mushroom Kingdom, he's the one wetting his moustache in it at night -- but really, he's not fucking into her. Sure, he'll take the time to rescue her whenever Bowser's feeling horny (and you almost can't blame the guy, since going around with no panties and hovering above everyone's head is just asking for it), but if Mario doesn't get a little jealous that everyone else is getting to see what should be reserved for him, he's doing something else on the sly. The folks at VGCats have their theories, and personally I think that Mario and Luigi are up to something freaky and incestuous when they respond to those emergency "plumbing" calls, but who really knows for sure? And I'm not saying a guy has to want to keep you on a leash and regulate your wardrobe and whatnot. A guy who does that is a domineering asshole. But if your vagina's visible to everyone you meet, that should bother him. If it doesn't, that essentially means that he thinks of you as a slutty-but-loyal dog -- and they always come back home at the end of the day anyway, so why bother getting upset? You need a man who thinks more highly of you and will at least take issue when someone disrespects you and treats you in a degrading manner -- even when you are that someone. There's a difference between tolerance and just not fucking caring.
V. If he's always ditching you to hang out with his friends, fight super-powered villains, get himself killed, and ride on the backs of dragons, he's not fucking into you.
Say all the good things you want about Son Goku, but even he knew that he was the worst fucking husband on the planet. Seriously, what kind of husband leaves his wife for months and even years on end to live in third-world countries and train children he doesn't even know? And let's not even mention all those times he risked his life and/or got himself killed while going head-to-head with monsters simply for the thrill of the fight. So if you've got a guy like this, get rid of that fucker -- he loves fighting, not you. I don't care how good the sex is, or how many of his children you've popped out (where was he when you had the second one, huh? fucking dead, that's where). You deserve a man who cares more about you than he does about increasing his power level and ascending to the next level of Saiya-jin strength.
VI. If he abandons you and his picture-perfect family to seek out a maniacal drug lord operating in the jungles of Thailand in an insane quest to avenge the murder of his longtime friend at the hands of said drug lord, he's not fucking into you.
Look, you're good to this man. You really are. You cook for him. You clean for him. You make a concentrated effort to stay slim and sexy, because you know how important fitness is to him. You wear lipstick. You've got a kid, a dog, a nice house with a cozy fireplace. And life is good. That is, until he decides nothing is more important than dropping everything to go chasing after an evil dictator halfway across the world because that bastard killed
Kenny Charlie way back when. Sure, Charlie was his best friend, but don't go making excuses for him. Don't assume that everything will be okay once he finally kills this drug lord and avenges the death of his friend. Because you know what? Even if it seems like he's given up on his mad vengeance mission and is ready to start being a loving husband and a devoted father again, the next time there's a Street Fighter tourney he'll be right back out there fighting to get even with that bastard for killing his pal. And there's always another Street Fighter competition just around the corner, so who needs that asshole? Get yourself a guy who gets a hard-on when he thinks about you -- and not when he's fantasizing about the good old days with his dead best friend and about the brutal beating and killing of the man who took his buddy away from him. You don't need psychos in your life, girlfriend.
VII. If you do an awesome job of fixing up his prized bike and then, upon asking him on a date to the drive-in theater, he blows you off with some bullshit line about being a loner, a rebel, and other such nonsense, he's not fucking into you.
You know, I really like Pee-wee Herman, but there were times in his films when he came across as a bona fide asshole -- and this encounter with Dottie in Pee-wee's Big Adventure was one of his worst offenses. Pee-wee fucking loved his bike (so much so that he went on a big adventure to get it back after it was stolen), and Dottie, like the sweetheart that she is, worked tirelessly to make it beautiful for him. In fact, we're given the impression that she did this out of the goodness of her heart and didn't even charge him for the job. All she wanted to do was go to the drive-in with him. And what did he do? He acted extremely annoyed with her presence and then fed her those craptacular lines about being a rebel and about how she "shouldn't get mixed up with a guy like him." Given the legal troubles that would eventually plague Paul Reubens, that might have been good advice, but still -- lame. Ladies, if you do a bunch of nice things for a guy and he blows you off in a similar fashion, stop wasting your time on him! There are other fish in the sea, and some of them will give you a scaly snuggle and blow bubbles of appreciation after you spruce up their underwater jalopies or cook them a delectable worm souffle.
VIII. If he endangers your safety and life (not to mention dooms the world) by stupidly reading aloud from an old, creepy book when doing so will obviously unleash demons and ghouls and Hell on Earth, he's not fucking into you.
What's happening? I'll tell you what's happening, Julie. You went to the spooky new exhibit at the local library (libraries have exhibits now?) with an idiot, stumbled across a book hidden in a magic chest -- a book titled Ghost and Demons, no less -- and watched as that dumbass recited a spell that fucking told you that it would loose a bunch of ghosts and demons (hence the title) on the world at large. Sure, it was a little misleading when it talked about how friendly they are -- "Ghosts and demons love to play," the book read, but it neglected to add "with their food" -- but c'mon, you two have faced off against hordes of zombies and werewolves and vampires and other assorted monsters in the past. Zeke should've known better. He should've used his fucking brain. And he would have, Julie, if he cared at all about keeping you safe from pale green ghosts and floating eyeballs and shit. But he doesn't. Which is why you're stuck facing them all alone. Good luck with that, by the way.
So ladies, if you end up in a similar situation, smack the hell out of that guy the second he even pretends to be interested in reading from the text that frees Satan and his minions from their fiery prison. Ask him how he could be so stupid -- so careless -- so inconsiderate! Then dump his ass and find yourself a nice guy who won't bring about the end of the world as we know it out of curiosity. I may be wrong, given that the Harry Potter craze is driving more and more people over to the study of the dark arts, but a guy who has absolutely no interest in feeding the souls of the righteous to Beelzebub shouldn't be too hard to find.
IX. If he stalks you relentlessly, eviscerates your friends and family members with a rusted, bloody hook, and frames you for their murders, he's not fucking into you.
Now, ladies -- I know -- this one's a difficult call. Unlike our other examples, this guy actually shows interest in you, with him always coming up behind you, reciting gothic poetry in that alternately sexy and creepy voice of his, and repeatedly entreating you to "join him." And admittedly, it's not entirely his fault, since you did go and summon him by looking into the mirror and saying his name five times. Still, that's no excuse for him to go around gutting your friends and covering you with their blood, thereby making you the prime suspect for their murders (even though you can't possibly be strong enough to lift a 6' man several feet into the air while simultaneously disemboweling him with a hook before throwing his body clear across the room). And don't you dare fall for the sympathy card. Yes, being dragged into a field by a bunch of racist assholes, having his right hand -- his painting hand! -- sawed off, being stripped naked and smeared with honeycomb, and then being stung to death by a swarm of bees must have sucked beyond all belief. But sweetheart, just because misery defines his life doesn't mean it should define yours, and no guy who's truly into you would want to rain on your parade the way the Candyman can. Besides, can you imagine having sex with him? You'd be covered with bees the second he took off his cloak.
X. If his name is M. Bison (or Vega in Japan), he's not fucking into you.
Yeah, real convincing there, Bison. Seriously, everybody knows that it's rare for a busy man to make you a priority in his life at all, since he's far more likely to be interested his career and achieving success and whatnot. Unfortunately, that goes double for men with aspirations of world domination. If he's got time for you at all, it's probably only because he murdered your parents and then brainwashed you into being his servant and lover -- and that's not something you want to be. Sure, being the concubine of the future ruler of the world has its perks, but he'll only snap your neck when he gets bored with you, which kinda puts a damper on the whole arrangement. And everyone knows that powermad warlords have really little dicks, which is why they're out to conquer the world in the first place. (Overcompensation much?) So if you ever run into General M. Bison -- or whatever he's calling himself at the time -- do not get involved with him under any circumstances. Granted, he'll be difficult to resist, since he'll sweet-talk you with promises of making you a queen, giving you your own continent to rule, and killing millions of women and children in your name, but don't believe that slime ball! Instead, remember the words of Paula Abdul: He's a cold-hearted snake; look into his eyes. Uh-oh! He's been tellin' lies. Don't play the fool, girl.
"For you, the day Bison graced your village was the mostimportant day of your life. But for me... it was Tuesday."
Yeah, what a smug bastard. Don't let your distrust of Bison make you wary of all men, though. For example, be careful not to confuse him with Gomez Addams, who's totally into you, provided you're a gothic belle who drops the occasional line of French. Then again, Gomez is married... but that's an issue for another day.
Aaaaand I guess that about does it for this piece, ladies -- we sincerely hope you found our advice to be, if not extremely useful in everyday situations, at least somewhat amusing. But seriously, there is some good advice to be found in there, so hopefully you didn't miss out on it amidst the humor and the wackiness. Even if a guy is genuinely into you, if he's not making you happy, then you should probably rethink whether or not you're into him. And then, if you are, ask yourself, "Why?" It may be true that love is blind, but if you can't come up with a handful of good reasons to stay with him in addition to that magical quality you can't define in words, it's time to move on, girl -- and certainly if, instead of that mushy-mushy swoon you get when you're in love, the thought of him fills you with abject terror, hightail it out of there immediately. If you stay and end up tied to a chair while his withered grandpa sucks blood from a cut on your hand, don't say we didn't warn you.
-- Wes --
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