And now, Scary-Crayon reviews...


by: Wes

This movie is sooooooo bad...

RUN!!! IT'S A TROMA PRODUCTION!!!!!!Oh, Sardu, you with your funny 'theatre'.

...that there's no way in Hell I'm giving it a full review because that would require me to watch it again. As you know, there are all sorts of bad movies, ranging from those so hilariously awful as to be required viewing to those that, in the sewer of bad flicks, represent those sealed in a Pandora's box beneath a sea of toxic sludge -- the kinds of films that evoke feelings of nausea reserved for finding crunchy cockroach bits and salted slug guts in a bowl of clam chowder at what used to be your favorite restaurant. And apparently the folks at Troma (which should be no surprise if you're familiar with the company) have an inexhaustible supply of biohazard scuba gear, because once again they've plumbed the stinking depths of that hideous sludge in the sewer of bad films to retrieve the revulsion that is Blood Sucking Freaks.

Whip it good!Midgets love popcorn.

For those who've never heard of the film, the title might evoke expectations of a wacky, low-budget horror-comedy with a cast of undead misfits, but the unlucky souls who've experienced the horror that is Blood Sucking Freaks know better. There's no comedy whatsoever to be found here, and the real horror is that, apparently, someone thought there was something humorous about the idea of a balding LARP reject ("Master" Sardu; revoltingly played by Seamus O'Brien) and a sadistic dancing midget (Ralphus; Luis De Jesus, as eager a sadistic dancing midget as ever there was) torturing a world-famous ballerina (Natasha D'Natalie; Viju Krem, who was apparently killed by God as punishment for starring in this movie in a hunting accident in 1983) in their grimy basement in order to persuade her to participate in their Grand Guignol style show (take a breath), because it's obvious that many of these scenes are intended to be funny. And while it does sound somewhat amusing on paper -- or at least, there's the potential for some black humor there, maybe -- that's before excessive violence against women, extremely disturbing murders, necrophilia, cannibalism, and the like find their way into the story. And sometimes several of these can be found in the same scene.

The traditional pre-torture massage.TEAR 'IM UP!!!!

Want an example? Here goes: At one point in the movie, a nameless young woman is dragged into the basement dungeon and fitted into a guillotine. Ralphus sets the rope attached to the blade in her mouth and admonishes her to bite down hard -- the longer her teeth stay clamped down on the rope, the longer her head stays on. But then, since she's been such a "naughty girl," he goes behind her, pulls up her skirt and pulls down her panties, and proceeds to cane her exposed backside. Naturally, at length the pain gets the best of her and she cries out, dropping the rope -- and, with the fall of the blade, her head is sent tumbling into the basket underneath. Ralphus then makes his way over to the girl's severed head and picks it up. He cradles it for a moment and kisses it deeply... and then he undoes his pants zipper and proceeds to joyfully fuck the unfortunate dead girl's open mouth. Yes, I know, that's a split infinitive.

"Since you've been such a naughty girl..."Well, I guess there's blood in there, but that's more like brain slurping, really.

There are plenty of disturbing scenes in Blood Sucking Freaks -- despite the fact that there isn't a single goddamned vampire or "blood sucking freak" in the entire movie, though there is a deranged dentist who power drills a hole in the head of a woman before slurping her brains through a straw -- but I'd have to say that the one described above has the 'honor' (with a toss of salt over my shoulder for even mentioning honor in a review of this film) of being the definitive one. In addition to being the most memorable and probably the most appalling scene in the entire film, it serves as an appropriate analogue for the experience of the viewer, if one imagines that the viewer is that poor, nameless girl, and that what Sardu and Ralphus do to her is what the movie does to its audience. And even if the analogy is somewhat incomplete -- the movie will not literally lop off the viewer's head -- it will leave a bad taste in the viewer's mouth.

More like "Dick Eating Freaks".I hate this movie.

Yep, she's eating a severed dick sandwich. How appropriate.  >:(

-- Wes --

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