And now, Scary-Crayon presents...
On this moonlit night in Dusty Plastic HELL,we find Krang... uh... enjoying himself...
Krang: WHOA APRIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April: Oh Krang, you're the coolest!
April: We all love you, Krang!
April: You know where I want you to put this microphone, Krangy baby?
Krang: Girls, girls! Are you getting all of this film, April? I'd hate for us to miss a moment of this SEXY PARTY later on! We'll watch the videotape and sip cotton candy martinis and... cuddle. Oh, I could just DIE!!!
Brontosaurus: You will, you know.
Krang: Will what?
Brontosaurus: Oh, you know. DIE.
Krang: The fuck? You don't scare me, MISTA DINOSAUR! And um... hey, what happened to the Aprils?
Brontosaurus: Yellow breasts and heaving jumpsuits are absent lyrics in your jumbled Mad Libs song.
Krang: Bollocks to you and your riddles, long-neck. And what the fuck are these guys doing here?!?!?
Brontosaurus: Even I know not, but it might have something to do with that gay chicken you ate for dinner last night.
Krang: HAPPY!!!! THAT CHICKEN WAS JUST HAPPY, GODDAMNIT!!!!!
Krang: HAPPY CHICK- ... what the ...? Oh... *sigh* It was just a dream. :(
Thus returned to his waking life, Krang gazes out of his window and sighs...
(For more lament involving Krang's "condition", see Dusty Plastic HELL #2. -- Ed.)
Krang: Oh, sad is my lot... to live in this world of beautiful women who will never notice me because I lack a body. If I had a body, they would see me and smile, grow to appreciate my intellect and laugh at my jokes... but now, they step over me without looking down, or, if they see me at all, they screw up their faces and say, "Eeew," treating me as a spare body part or a wad of used chewing gum. I cry myself to sleep and only smile in my dreams. ;____;
Anime Shredder: STOP CALLING ME THAT! What do you want, stupid octopus?
Krang: Er... I seem to recall having requested a body from you at some point. And well, I just wanted to ask... WHERE THE HELL IS IT?!?!?!?
Anime Shredder: Are you going senile, stupid octopus? You've never had a body. Once, long ago, you had some piece of crap bubble walker thing that Playmates packaged with you because they were too cheap to ship you with an actual body, but when they actually released your body it was way too expensive for us. We've always been kinda short on cash around here -- remember when we used to drive around in that foil-covered plastic Halloween pumpkin and pretend it was the Technodrome? Ah, those were good times.
Krang: This conversation is making me even more depressed, Sawaki-chan.
Anime Shredder: Call me that again and I will fry you up and eat you atop a bed of rice with soy sauce on the side.
Krang: *sigh* Even that fate would be preferable to the life I lead now.
Anime Shredder: Dude, you're really down. Seriously, besides the body thing, is there anything I can do to help?
Krang: You could loan me a Foot Soldier... I think I need to take a walk.
Anime Shredder: Sorry, no can do -- the Foot Soldiers are on their lunch break. But might I suggest that you try going on a spirit quest? Besides, that's the kind of thing one has to do alone.
Krang: So how do I go about that?
Anime Shredder: RIDE THE TIGER!!! The Tiger Spirit Armor, that is.
So, perched atop the mystical Tiger Spirit Armor,Krang makes his way into the plains of the unknown...where he seeks counsel from the wise and powerful Superman Glass.
Krang: O wise and powerful Superman Glass, I come to you with a heavy heart and a weary soul to beseech your advice regarding my present situation.
Superman Glass: TELL ME THEN, MORTAL BRAIN THINGY... WHAT ADVICE DO YOU REQUIRE?
Krang: Well, Superman Glass... it's just not fair! There are some people, like Extendar there, who have twice as much body as anyone else, and can alter their heights at will... and hell, even dinosaur creatures born from large orders of McDonald's fries have more body than me. I am convinced that a body would make life so much more bearable... but alas, I do not have one. I am sad. :(
Superman Glass: THEN IT IS A BODY YOU SEEK?
Krang: Yes, Superman Glass, I need a body...
Superman Glass: THEN GO FORTH AND ACQUIRE ONE!
Krang: EUREKA! It's just crazy enough to work! THANKS, Superman Glass!
Superman Glass: BUT HEED THIS WARNING, MORTAL BRAIN THINGY! MANY PATHS LEAD TO SINEWS AND FLESH, BUT NOT ALL OF THEM ARE WORTHY... AND SOME WILL INEVITABLY LEAD TO DECAY.
Krang: Yeah, whatever.
Of course, Krang failed to take the warning of the Superman Glass to heart,'cause, being an evil brain, he has none! HA HA! *ahem*So he summoned his minions three and put in motion a plan to walk once more...
Krang: My loyal Stone Warriors, at last the time has come for your master to stand on his own two feet! You marched at my side in Dimension X; you have fought valiantly to spread my fame far and wide -- will you help me in this task?
Traag: We are at your service, my lord. Tell me, what will we do?
Krang: The plan is simple, my minions! We will find a suitable body... and steal it.
Stonedar: Is that wise, Lord Krang? Couldn't we just try to build you a new body? Why must we steal one?
Krang: BAH! You've been hanging around the Eternian heroes for too long -- have you forgotten that your true loyalty is to me? We're bad guys -- we steal shit! That's how it works. And now, we're going to steal a body!
Rokkon: Oh, don't let Stonedar fool you -- he stole plenty of bodies back on Eternia. See, he's something of a necro --
Krang: You know what? I don't think I want to hear the rest of that sentence.
So they wait... and before long, an opportunity presents itself...
Krang: Aha... it's Earthworm Jim and Princess What's-Her-Name! Mmmm-mmmm... that's a nice body right there!
Rokkon: Agreed... those curves... that ass... even if I weren't made of stone, I'd be har --
Krang: You know what? I don't think I want to hear the rest of that sentence. Besides, I was talking about Jim's body.
Traag: My lord! I didn't know you were... and to think, all those nights we camped together during the great wars, not once did you reach over to caress my craggy mass... And like Alcibiades when he told of Socrates's restraint, I find myself slightly saddened...
Krang: ENOUGH!!! Traag -- take the girl. Stonedar, Rokkon -- hold down the worm!
Rokkon: Heh heh... you said --
Krang: SILENCE!!! Alright boys, this ain't no dress rehearsal -- it's BODY-SNATCHIN' time!!!
Earthworm Jim: BY THE GREAT WORM SPIRIT!!!! UNHAND ME, YOU FIENDS!!!!
Krang: Oh, we will in just a sec... just need to borrow that hot body of yours, you see.
Earthworm Jim: Uh, you could've asked... or are you planning to go into the priesthood? Gang initiation, maybe?
Rokkon: I like how we didn't dwell on the priest joke, but kept right on going without drawing much attention to it.
Stonedar: 'Cept now you just ruined it by pointing that out.
Earthworm Jim: Your gang name could be "The Rock-Hards"...
Krang: WILL YOU MORONS SHUT UP?!?!?!?
Earthworm Jim: I've got a right to talk! I'm the one being gang-raped here. And hey, Princess, were you planning on giving me a hand over here at all?
Traag: Uh, worm-boy, I've kinda got a gun to her head.
What's-Her-Name: Actually, I was planning to enjoy the show.
Krang: ... I'm surrounded by sick fucks.
Earthworm Jim: This from the gang-rape leader.
Krang: DAMNIT! We're not gang-raping you! If you haven't noticed, I happen to be a little corporally challenged... that is, I have no body. So we're stealing yours.
Earthworm Jim: Ah, so that explains why you're fiddling around looking for that ejection button on my back! I was about to say, the suit's pleasure center is up front, in the crotch... you know, the usual spot.
Earthworm Jim: Well, with the groping tentacles, I kinda felt like I was starring in a Japanese porno cartoon.
Krang: ... *shudder* Anyway, I found the button.
Earthworm Jim: Wheeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!
What's-Her-Name: Wow, grabbing and groping followed by a worm shooting over a meter out of a hole! That was hot!
Traag: SURE WAS! Hey, can I feel your breasts?
And so, with Jim ejected from his body,the super suit was ready to be donned by another wearer...
Krang: VICTORY IS MINE!!!!!
Earthworm Jim: My delicate flower of rapture! I am naked and ashamed... please, pick me up and take me home.
What's-Her-Name: Uh, Jim... I don't think it's going to work out.
Earthworm Jim: O, pitiful day! My bonnie bumblebee-butted hyacinth, how could you forsake me in my time of need? How my tears flow freely! Is it because, without a body, I am nothing more than a lowly, crawling worm?
What's-Her-Name: Well... it's just now that I don't have those rippling muscles to draw my attention, I noticed that you have one beady black eye and one large green one. Also, you're a worm with eyebrows... and that's just fucking creepy.
Earthworm Jim: And yet, even with the knowledge that it's not really me you care about, since you would turn away from me for such shallow reasons... even with this knowledge I would take you back, if only I could recover my body...
Krang: But you can't, fool, because the body is mine now! Ahahahahaha!!!
???????: You will return that body at once.
Krang: What? Who said that? What fool dares challenge the almighty Krang and his craggy army of jagged DOOM??? And, uh... heh heh... where is that scary music coming from...?
Headless Horseman: It is I, the Headless Horseman, come to right wrongs and return severed flesh to its rightful owners. Having had my head stolen by a murderous slut with heaving breasts, I know all too well the pain of having parts of oneself stolen... and thus I cannot stand by and watch another lose that flesh which is so dear to him. You, Krang of Dimension X -- you know this pain as well... how could you possibly inflict it upon another? This is not just. So, just as you have stolen that body which you now possess, I shall cleave your head from that body and reclaim it for its rightful owner...
Krang: Will you shut the fuck up and get on with it already???
Headless Horseman: Very well. IN THE NAME OF THE HEADLESS... I'LL PUNISH YOU!!!
Krang: Fuck. Me.
So the Horseman returned Jim's body to him,What's-Her-Name forgot all about the weirdness of dating a worm with eyebrows...and Krang, once more, was left without a body. :(
Rokkon: Well, boss, you know what they say... easy come, easy go... and I know you're feeling down, so I'll spare you the requisite pun involving the word "come".
Krang: Thanks. And thanks for trying, guys... I'd just like to say that I appreciate all your hard work today.
Stonedar: That's not like you at all, Lord Krang... I'm worried.
Krang: Heh, why should you be worried? For one shining moment, I had a body again... I knew what it was like to move around without leaving a slime-trail from my ass wherever I went. And who knows? With me sporting that hot new body, I think What's-Her-Name totally would've dated me. But alas, that never came to pass, for just as soon that body was stolen from me and I was once again reduced to this hideous cross between scrambled eggs and a tiny pink tentacle rape monster who just happened to drink the water in Mexico. I ask again, why should you be worried? I think I'll take a walk through the graveyard now. :(
Traag: Lord Krang... might we tag along?
Krang: Sure. I don't care. Don't mind me... I'll just stare down at the ground and think about dead cats and martinis.
Traag: No, my lord -- don't look down, look UP!!!
Krang: Perhaps... perhaps the answer to my "condition" lies here...
Rokkon: Haha, lies here! As in, like a body! Excellent funny, boss!
Krang: Shut up, you buffoon. And Stonedar... that had better be your gun in your hand. >:(
-- Wes --
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