And now, Scary-Crayon presents...

Tonight I dine on... TURTLE SPEW!

by: Wes

I'll be honest with you -- I never understood Shredder's desire to eat his enemies. He never made good on his threats, even when he had the Turtles captured and could easily have cooked them up, but fuck if he didn't talk about it an awful lot. I guess it's possible that all of his eating talk was just a weird Japanese quirk of his (it's worth noting that in the anime he expressed a desire to eat Krang) or maybe it had something to do with the fact that, in the US 'toon, he was voiced by Uncle Phil (who was definitely no stranger to the kitchen). Suffice it to say that whenever Shredder popped up on the television boasting of his latest scheme and inviting the Turtles to try and stop him, after he got through with the villainous laughter and gesturing to the captive April O'Neil, you could be sure he'd bust out with that trademark line: Tonight I dine on turtle soup. Actually, he didn't say it all that much -- mostly in the games. Oh well, you get the idea.

It's snack time, dudes!

Sadly, Shredder never got to taste that turtle soup he so desperately craved, which is more his fault than anything else, given that he had numerous opportunities to purée the Turtles and masticate their meaty, mutant morsels while savoring their sour, sewage-saturated flavor. Perhaps, for all of his talk, Shredder knew better than to eat a bunch of giant genetically-altered turtles that spent the majority of their time in the bowels of one of the largest and filthiest cities in the country. I mean, that's just asking for salmonella poisoning. Then again, perhaps Shredder was just stupid. Or insane. Or all of the above. In any case, today we're going to do what Oroku Saki himself never could -- we're going to eat Turtle soup. As in, soup made by the Turtles. Except it's not really soup. No, as you can see from the background of this page, it looks more like vomit than anything else. So we're going to call it Turtle Spew. Mmmm-mmmm good! To start, you'll need two things: oatmeal and chunky peanut butter. Of course, you could use creamy PB, but then you won't get that unique spew appearance that the peanut bits contribute to the mix. Oh, and don't forget a bowl and spoon.

Ingredients thus far: Oatmeal, Peanut Butter, and Sugar.

Once you've poured as much oatmeal as you want into the bowl -- say, 1/2 to 1 cup of oatmeal, as you like -- go ahead and add a big glob of peanut butter -- it should be anywhere from 1 to 2 tablespoons of PB, according to how much oatmeal you've put in there and how much you like peanut butter. As you can see, I really like peanut butter. If you don't, you could not add peanut butter at all... but then, as mentioned previously, your finished product will look a whole lot less like barf, which isn't very appropriate for a snack called Turtle Spew, is it? Also, you'll want to toss in 2 to 4 teaspoons of sugar to sweeten the mix. And don't worry about stirring just yet, because once you've finished here...

Teetotalers need not apply.'s time to add the ingredients that give the spew its delightful green color, and no, my ducks, it ain't food coloring. I'm sorry to say that if you're under the age of 21, you won't be able to enjoy Turtle Spew unless you're cooking up a virgin variety (or are breaking laws -- tsk tsk -- or live in another country), because the true Turtle Spew contains ALCOHOL! Green alcohol. Clear the tables and get yer lampshades ready, folks. Really, any green alcohol will do, but the genius of Turtle Spew is that you must use at least three different kinds. Because there are three... okay, there are four Turtles, but I couldn't come up with four green liquors and I set the rules, so it's three. If you really want, you can add some olives to represent Donatello. Do I recommend doing this? Hell no.

Anyway, for this batch, we chose to use De Kuyper Sour Apple Pucker and Boulaine Creme de Menthe and Melon liqueurs. Of course, you're not limited to only green liquors -- make the thing as alcoholic as you want and/or can stand! With the approach of the holidays and the appearance of seasonal liquors in stores, I'd recommend throwing some egg nog into the mix as well. But whatever you do, be careful not to add anything to ruin that wonderful green color. After all, this is Turtle Spew, not Clown Spew. That means no rainbow sprinkles either, damnit.

Before......and AFTER green liquor goodness!

So simply add the liquors to the contents of the bowl and you're almost set. As far as amounts go, I recommend doing about 1/8th cup of each liquor used, but you can modify that to your liking. If you're using the same stuff we've got, I'd go easy on the Creme de Menthe, as it's a pretty strong flavor, and I'd definitely not overload on the Sour Apple Pucker. Sure, it's great stuff by itself or when mixed with Mountain Dew, but in a mixture like this it can get downright nasty if overused. I used slightly more of the Melon liqueur in this batch of Turtle Spew, though, with positive results.

Milk does a body good!Aaaaand you're done!

And then, finally, you'll want to add some milk (or egg nog) to your Turtle Spew -- about 1/2 cup, or the amount that you'd add to a bowl of cereal. Then simply stir the mix thoroughly with a spoon or fork and you're done! Nope, there's no microwave step, and whatever you do, don't get cute and add one. Your Turtle Spew will end up tasting like it looks.


Voilà! Assuming you did everything correctly, you should now have a ready-to-eat bowl of TURTLE SPEW! Go ahead and taste it -- if it's not one of the tastier things you've ever created despite its upchuck-like appearance, you screwed up somewhere. But hey, that's why you can correct your mistake! If the alcoholic goodness is lacking, or if your mix didn't turn out quite as green as you'd hoped, feel free to add another splash of the good stuff right now! Not sweet enough? Toss in some more liqueur or sugar! Too watery? Add more oatmeal! Not peanut buttery enough? You know what to do. When you're finished, it should taste something like those flavored oatmeals of your childhood with a nutty taste along for the ride -- and the nostalgia you experience from the taste should be a palpable feeling, because Turtle Spew should also give you a slight buzz. And it looks like green vomit! Tee-hee! If that fact alone doesn't make you want to giggle, I'm thinking you didn't add enough liquor. Take a moment to rectify that mistake, why dontcha. And enjoy!  ;)

OH NO!!! It looks like there's trouble in the Scary-Crayon kitchen!!!

''...TONIGHT I DINE ON TURTLE SOUP!!!''''Sharing is caring, you know.''

Shredder: Turtles! You've thwarted my evil schemes for the last time! Prepare to be killed, cooked, eaten, and digested... FOR TONIGHT I DINE ON TURTLE SOUP!!!

Dontatello: Turtle soup? Why would you want that, when we've just finished making a big bowl of delicious Turtle Spew! We're too young to eat it, since it contains liquor and we've been teens for the past twenty or so years, but we're more than happy to share!

Shredder: Turtle... Spew?? And you would share this... with me?

Michelangelo: Indubitably! Sharing is caring, you know.

Raphael: Paging Doctor Jackass -- just because we look like Care Bears doesn't mean we have to talk like them. JEEZ!

''It, uh... looks kinda... gross.''

Shredder: It, uh... looks kinda... gross.

Leonardo: That may be true, but as Master Splinter always says, looks can be deceiving.

Raphael: The hell? Everybody always says that, Leonardo. Anyway, Splinter's not here, so you don't need to drop his name like an ass-kissing jackass.


Dontatello: Knock it off, you two. And Raph? When did "jackass" become your favorite word?

Michelangelo: Oh, since Raph and I watched a couple of reruns of that tv show the other day! They were eating boiled eggs and puking them back up and shit. It was gross.

Shredder: ... You know, after hearing that, I'm not sure I trust you guys.


Boulaine liqueurs. Scary-Crayon approved.

And now, a word about Boulaine liqueurs. I'm not sure if you've ever heard of Jean Boulaine before -- I know I hadn't until I saw his name on the labels of his alcoholic wares -- but obviously he's a great man to offer such "luscious cordials" to us at such a low price. Seriously -- the 1 liter bottles in the above pic (and a few not pictured) cost me $4.99 each. $4.99! For less than the price of a grilled cheese sandwich and fries at a roadside diner, you could go home with an entire fucking liter of some excellent shit. These bottles are stamped all over with "Deluxe Quality" and "Superior Quality", and while at first glance it might seem that ol' Jean's trying a little too hard to convince you, one taste will let you know that he's really serious. Jean just wanted to make sure you didn't forget it.

Moreover, Boulaine liqueurs come in a variety of flavors, all of which are offered at the same low low price (depending upon your retailer, of course). Do you like the delicious melon taste of Midori? Well, me too, but it just doesn't make sense to shell out $14 for a 750 mL bottle when Jean Boulaine's offering a full liter of his Melon liqueur -- which, in my opinion, is actually better than Midori (but maybe the price makes it taste that much sweeter) -- for under $5. Is Amaretto your thing? For $4.99, Boulaine's got you covered. Creme de Menthe? Banana liqueur? Creme de Cacao? Blackberry and Brandy? Sloegin berries? That nasty licorice flavored shit Anisette? All of the above are in Jean Boulaine's pocket, and he's willing to make sure that you don't pay too much out of yours to enjoy 'em in your own home. According to the bottles, the booze is made via "an old French method" -- and whatever it is, it works and it works well. Mr. Boulaine, or whoever's presently running your operation if you're dead, we at Scary-Crayon salute you.

And now, back to our story...


Dontatello: Hey Shredder... are you alright?

Shredder: GOD DAMN, THAT WAS GREAT SSHHHIT! Unforchhhunately, I sssheem to have overestimated my toleranssshe for alcoholic shubshtanshhes... for I have fallen and I can't get up. Hahahahaha, I used a Steve Urkel line!

Raphael: Man, Shredder's really wasted. What a lame jackass.

Shredder: Watchhhh your tongue, Turrrtle!

Dontatello: Um, guys? You didn't happen to see where Mikey went, did you?

Leonardo: Last I saw, he ran off with Shredder's helmet. I think he's hiding behind the bowl of Turtle Spew or something.

Michelangelo: GRAAARRR!!! I'm not Michelangelo! No, I am THE EVIL SHREDDER!!! TONIGHT I DINE ON TURTLE SOUP!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!


Michelangelo: Oops.

-- Wes --

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