And now, Scary-Crayon reviews...
Triton's Chocolate Dipped Banana Bits
by: Wes

Ever since some well-meaning middle school teacher decided that bananas would make good prop materials during sex education class, these yellow phallic-shaped objects have been associated with fellatio and naughty activities that take place in the back stairwells after the bell rings. Not only has this resulted in the irreversible sexualization of the image of a woman performing so simple an act as eating a banana, but apparently a number of women have come to internalize this image and endeavor to live up to it in their own actions.

Oh BABY!Yeah, I took pics of your girlfriend sucking banana. WHAT OF IT?!

For instance, at the annual Maryland Renaissance Festival, I happened to spot this chick seriously taking her chocolate-covered banana to the head as if it were a bona fide dick -- and given that I had my camera in hand, I decided to maneuver around and utilize the zoom function to get a few souvenirs of the encounter. As you see above, her boyfriend's Spidey sense alerted him to my activities (or perhaps he had already been on edge and glancing around, given that his girl was performing shameful actions in public with a friggin' banana) and happened to look directly at me as I snapped the photo. There's not really a point to that story, except that bananas have become so closely associated with sex that women apparently have no problem fellating them even during public events. Sex is associated with love, and love is associated with Valentine's Day. V-Day is associated with chocolate. So it kind of makes sense that bananas and chocolate would go together. And that I would write about them on V-Day. See, it all comes together.

King Kong and Triton's Chocolate Dipped Banana Bits!

Bananas are also associated with monkeys and gorillas -- and given my recent Kong kick (despite not very much liking Jackson's remake), I figured everyone's favorite overgrown gorilla should host this review. Also, it's a V-Day piece, and who's more romantic than King Kong? When you save a chick from dinosaurs and kill a handful of women for even daring to look like your beloved, you're smitten. Plus, I got this King Kong from the same place that I discovered Triton's Chocolate Dipped Banana Bits -- the freezer at the local dollar store. Okay, so Kong wasn't in the freezer, but he was several aisles down and the air conditioning was on full blast.

''Kong's calorie needs way higher.''

So for fifty cents -- yes, these boxes are two for a dollar finds! -- you get eight chocolate-covered banana bits, which, when combined, amount to about the entire length of a banana. Yes, you get a whole chocolate-covered frozen banana for half a buck! Is that a good deal? I think it is. Unfortunately, these banana bits aren't quite as healthy as one would expect, with enough calories and fat per serving to rival a fun-sized Snickers bar, and those things keep people from fucking up while operating heavy machinery and whatnot. Also, as far as other nutritional elements go, these things suck. Aren't bananas supposed to be healthy? Monkeys eat them and they're super athletes! C'mon, even Snickers bars have fiber.

''Perfect for gorilla girlfriend on Valentine's Day.''Kong likes bananas.

But how do they taste? Well, for fifty cents, they're definitely not bad, and if you really, really like (frozen) bananas or are shopping for a banana enthusiast you could do a lot wor -- okay, you probably couldn't find worse chocolate-covered bananas than this, seeing as how any retail chocolate covered bananas that you find are probably going to be the expensive gourmet kind. But for the price, you're probably not going to be able to beat these. Granted, a frozen banana is a frozen banana. It's not a fresh banana, and therefore isn't going to taste as good as one. But if you like the taste of frozen bananas, that's what you'll get from Triton. Also, for less than a buck, you're not getting Godiva chocolate. You're getting dollar store chocolate, which means it tastes kinda like that generic Easter chocolate that's not quite as sweet and has a slightly chalky aftertaste. It's acceptable. Adequate. But preferable? Worth coveting? Not really.

Of all of the dollar store purchases I've reviewed on the site, then, I'm probably the least impressed with Triton's Chocolate Dipped Banana Bits -- but that's not necessarily a huge strike against them, given that those other items have included Bun Meals and artificial cheese. If you're looking for inexpensive chocolate-covered chunks of frozen banana and don't feel like melting your own chocolate and freezing your own bananas, you've got a winner, and for fifty cents I can easily recommend trying them to see if you like them. That's about all you should pay, though, so pass if you see them for more in your local market. Unless you like bananas as much as the chick way above, anyway, 'cause she was seriously hardcore sucking that banana like it was her lover's cock on the night of February 14th. And look at that! Once again, everything comes together, and in a manner that is not in any way awkward or contrived. Happy V-Day, everyone! :)

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