DOG TREATS! Dogs love 'em, and it's easy to see wh-- no, on second thought, it's not bloody easy at all to see why dogs will do trick after trick for the goddamned things. After all, as Michelle Tanner once said years ago on "Full House", they may look like cookies, but they smell like pork chops... which hardly sounds like a very appealing mealtime combo. And that's coming from the guy who made Chocolate Chip Cheese Cookies!
But I dunno -- maybe dog treats aren't really that bad. I mean, we've heard the tales of greedy owners who like the canine candies so much that they hog the treats for themselves, leaving none left for the poor dogs for whom the treats were supposedly purchased, so there has to be something we're not getting here. Sure, they may look like desserts and smell like meat, but is it possible that they taste like... Heaven? Poor Michelle didn't think so, but maybe that was just that particular brand and flavor of dog treat. Maybe we'll have better luck!
This Pup Corn looks promising. Not only does it boast of being peanut butter flavored (FYI, Scary-Crayon looooves peanut butter), but, per the zoomed in image at right, it's actually a low fat and low calorie treat! Yes, Pup Corn is fucking healthy! And while it's kinda sad that not even dogs can be spared the current societal trend of eating healthy (but how many people actually stick with it, and, let's be honest, do you see much in the way of results?), but I guess pups have to stay in shape too. I mean, what with the running around and pushing Pup Corn machines in the park, you'd think they do enough to keep healthy, but I digress. Pup Corn! Healthy, low fat, low calorie peanut butter-flavored dog treats. Sounds like we may have a winner on our hands!
But WAIT! The ingredients label is somewhat unsettling. If Pup Corn is supposed to be peanut butter-flavored, what the hell are natural chicken flavor and chicken doing among the ingredients? And for that matter, why are those two separate ingredients? I mean, if the chicken flavor is really natural, shouldn't it come from chicken? And if that's the case, isn't one of these ingredients redundant -- because a thing can't be naturally chicken-flavored without containing chicken, and a thing can't contain chicken without naturally containing the flavor of chicken, right? Well, I suppose that if a food contained certain parts of a chicken -- frex, the bones or feathers -- it may not necessarily contain the flavor of chicken meat, which is what we generally mean when we call a dish chicken-flavored. Could Pup Corn contain ground chicken bones and feathers?! I'm frightened.
Moreover, on the authority of my sister, who owns the noble Bacardi Silver and purchased these unnerving treats, the ingredients are listed in the order of their weight and concentration in the treats themselves -- such that, per this listing, apparently Pup Corn contains more natural chicken flavor and chicken than it does peanut butter flavor. And, if it does, in fact, make sense to list an ingredient and its supposed flavor separately -- implying that there is no necessary connection between the two -- it's worth noting that peanut butter, alone, doesn't even appear among the ingredients! This from something that claims to be peanut butter flavored?!?! What the hell was I thinking when I signed on to eat this shit? But it's too late now -- I must follow through.
The slightly hard, yet still puffy feel of the Pup Corn -- much like that of packing peanuts, which have always faithfully protected the Ninja Turtles and Japanese action figures that I purchased on eBay during their journeys across land and sea to be by my side -- provides me some measure of comfort as I begin my terrifying taste test, and I notice, as I sink my teeth into the piece of Pup Corn held in my right hand, that the morsels are actually shaped like tiny dogs. I chuckle and think to myself, "Ha! It really is a dog eat dog world!" Then I think, for a moment, that it is strange -- very strange -- that treats created for dogs to consume should also be shaped like dogs. In shaping them thus, do we not run the risk of teaching dogs to be cannibals? But then I consider that we humans bake and consume gingerbread men and do not, for the most part, learn anti-social and gory habits as a result, so perhaps it is not quite so strange after all. Then I focus my thoughts on the object in my mouth. With my tongue, I roll it about in my mouth, seeking to partake of its supposedly peanut buttery-flavor.
FUCK. BLOODY HELL SHIT GODDAMNIT ARELLA IN AZARATH THIS IS THE SLAM-NASTIEST THING I HAVE EVER TASTED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. DOGS -- DOGS -- WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? HOW CAN YOU ENTHUSIASTICALLY CLAMOR FOR THESE REVOLTING THINGS? WHAT ABOUT THEIR HIDEOUS, HIDEOUS FLAVOR COMPELS YOU TO SIT, STAND, BEG, ROLL OVER, PLAY DEAD, QUOTE SHAKESPEARE, AND JUMP THROUGH FLAMING HOOPS FOR THESE MOST VILE OF "EDIBLE" OFFERINGS?!? AND WHY AM I TYPING A MESSAGE TO YOU, SINCE THE VAST MAJORITY OF YOU CANNOT READ TO BEGIN WITH? AND IT'S NO WONDER -- THESE ENEMIES OF GOOD TASTE ITSELF HAVE CORRUPTED YOUR TONGUES AND SENT THEIR WRETCHED POISON RACING STRAIGHT TO YOUR HEAD, GIVING YOU BRAIN DAMAGE AND FORCING YOU TO CLAMOR FOR THEIR NASTINESS AND RENDERING YOU ILLITERATE!
Still, Bear seems to like them well enough... so perhaps it is simply the case that Pup Corn is meant exclusively for the consumption of pups -- and not, under any circumstances, that of humans -- and that failure to recognize and accept that designation will result in the most violent of shocks to one's tastebuds. NO, it doesn't taste like peanut butter. It tastes like an eternity of torment. And I must admit that this conditioning system works well indeed -- I've learned my lesson, friends. Allow me to close, then, by summing up today's findings in a haiku:
Do not eat dog treats
whatever the fuck you do
'cause those things are GROSS. X_x
