And now, Scary-Crayon presents...
The 4+1 SCARIEST 39¢ Easter Cards
by: Wes

HAPPY EASTER, MINNA-SAN! Assuming you celebrate it, that is. I've never really gotten into the holiday myself. It was sorta fun for about three years when I was a kid, but I soon realized that I could've bought chocolate or painted hard-boiled eggs any damned time I wanted. Shit, I never even ate the chocolate at Easter because the bunnies were crafted so well. It was also the one day of the year on which us heathen youngsters were forced to attend Sunday services, and if there is one thing I really hated as a kid it was having to go to church on any occasion. God's house, is it? Then the Devil take me, 'cause I don't think I could put up with touchy-feely old folks and the stench of mothballs for all eternity. And because Easter Sunday was the time that everyone who usually stayed home crawled off of their deathbeds to attend services, the place reeked doubly on the date of Christ's so-called resurrection. If Jesus really rose from the dead on Easter, it was the stink of mothballs and cheap perfume (God, the cheap perfume on Easter) that woke him. And horrible new Sunday outfits. Ugh.

I hear some kids get gifts and money on Easter, so that could explain why people are so fond of it. We never got gifts, though. Maybe you didn't either. So assuming you're home this Easter and aren't wasting away in a pew somewhere, Scary-Crayon's got a little something for you. We've made something of a tradition of selecting and reviewing holiday cards, so here's the spring installment: a look at the five scariest 39¢ Easter cards I could find. Well, four and an extra. You'll see. At any rate, I hope you enjoy it. Admittedly, finding scary cards this time around was a lot more difficult that it was for Halloween and Christmas. And while that kinda makes sense, this is the only one of the three that is actually about a walking corpse -- and not just any walking corpse, but one that asks its followers to stick their fingers in its gaping wounds to confirm that it is in fact a walking corpse. Still, if you think Easter is bad, don't even get me started on... Well, we'll get to that in a bit, won't we?

The 4th SCARIEST 39¢ Easter Card:

''A Special Wish For You On Easter''''Spring is so much nicer and so much happier, too...''

So here's our first 39¢ card of the day -- an apparently sappy piece of fluff that goes on about how nice and happy it is to share the springtime with a special friend like you. Blech. What's scariest about it isn't that it's sickeningly saccharine, however, but that the image calls into question just how the sender and the recipient will be spending time together. Take a closer look at the rose and learn the horrible truth: it isn't a rose at all, but some sort of carnivorous plant that happens to be feasting on what appears to be a blood-covered human ear. So is this card being sent by a demented florist who delights in spring because that is when his/her horrible plants of death bloom? Will you two be sharing the season together because, once its flowers have feasted on your flesh, you will be part of the greenhouse scenery in which your so-called friend spends most of his/her time during this warm season? Or was the card in fact sent by little Audrey II here? I don't know, but the mere thought of being lured to one's doom at the tendrils and jaws of hungry plantlife by a sappy Easter card is easily enough to net this invitation to the little shop of horrors a place on our scariest Easter cards countdown.

The 3rd SCARIEST 39¢ Easter Card:

''Easter Greetings''''Wishing you a beautiful day.''

Aww, a cute little bunny! Right? Wrong. Like many subtly scary cards, what's most terrifying about this one isn't what you see, but what you don't see. I assume you've seen Jurassic Park, yes? Keep it in mind as we explore the events that led you to this particular vantage point. While participating in a scavenger hunt on Easter Sunday, you spy a rabbit hopping in the distance. "Why, it must be the Easter Bunny!" you cry. And so you rush off to pursue it as it disappears into a woodland area nearby. As you follow its various zigs and zags, however, you soon forget which direction is which. You've also forgotten that Easter Bunnies are not like other bunnies -- and, as such, they don't eat what other bunnies eat. And what's this Easter Bunnies business? You didn't know there were multiple Easter Bunnies! Until, that is, they ambushed you from both sides while you were focusing on the one ahead and started tearing out your fresh entrails with their ferocious buck teeth. Clever girl.

And even if you don't find the above scenario to be especially plausible, you can't tell me that that text is entirely convincing. The dreadfully short "Wishing you a beautiful day" in spleen-colored letters and a spooky vampiric font isn't exactly indicative of springtime cheer, y'know? That bunny totally wants to kill us all.

The 2nd SCARIEST 39¢ Easter Card:

''For A Dear Child This Easter''(even dead ones)

Actually, this one got in because of a misreading on my part. As I scanned the rows of Easter cards, I was in search of any remotely spooky text and images -- so when I thought I read the words "For A Dead Child This Easter", I immediately zoned in on them. As you see above, I was a bit overzealous, but the image on the card somewhat supports my misinterpretation. Whereas the majority of the other cards had joyous springtime scenes with happy cartoon rabbits and smiling children, this one features an abandoned basket on a remote meadow (you can tell by the length of the grass). Where has the child who was holding it gone? The two eggs on the ground suggest that the child was interrupted in the midst of an Easter egg hunt: either they fell from the overfull basket when the child dropped it during a struggle or the child was abducted before he/she could add them to the collection. In either case, this lone basket represents the only clue to the disappearance of some unfortunate child who is possibly being devoured by a freaky redneck monster thing in a secluded log cabin at this very moment. The overly enthusiastic text is merely intended to distract us from the true horror of the scene.

The SCARIEST 39¢ Easter Card:

''Baby's First Easter''''May the Easter Bunny bring you all the joys of the world''

Unlike the previous scariest holiday card offerings, this one really doesn't require me to explain why I chose it; it's quite obviously fucked up on so many levels. One would expect a card intended to celebrate a baby's first Easter to depict, I dunno, a smiling baby or something of that nature on the cover. Here, however, this is not the case. Instead, we get a dark (and yes, the card really is that dark) image featuring a anthropomorphic rabbit offering a single brown egg to a miniature clown that either really needs to take a piss or, considering the position of its right hand, is relieving itself of netherfluid in some other manner. In the background, a lone giraffe stares down at the rabbit's butt with great interest -- and given that a line of cars is the only other object nearby in the scene, I can only imagine that the giraffe is fantasizing about taking those cars and shoving them down the unwitting rabbit's asshole. The interior text, however, suggests that the Easter Bunny is not only aware of the giraffe at his backside, but that he and his freaky pals intend to introduce the newborn infant to "all the joys of the world": a list that apparently includes public urination and/or masturbation, voyeurism, toy car sodomy, and the eating of indistinct brown eggs, which could be indicative of coprophagy. This, of course, is to say nothing of the furry implications suggested by the Easter Bunny's presence. Welcome to the world, you supple little baby.

The SCARIEST 39¢ Passover Card:

''Happy Passover''Yeah, you do that.

And here's the holiday plus one: a Passover card! And while I have my reasons for picking this one, I admittedly could've chosen any of those cards for this feature. The story of Passover, you see, is pretty fucked up -- so much so that I wouldn't be surprised if Hitler cited it in his reasons for implementing the Final Solution. (By the way, does anyone know if he did? I'm not researching Nazi history for this silly article, but if you're already up in the subject feel free to drop me a line at I mean, I can understand the Jews being happy about being liberated from Egypt and whatnot, but the story also entails lots of freaky shit like God turning the Nile to BLOOD and enveloping the land in darkness, to say nothing of the murder of the Egyptian firstborn by THE ANGEL OF DEATH. It gets even stranger when you consider that despite even the Egyptians' pleas that Pharoah release the Jews, God not only wrought these horrors upon the Egyptian people because of his refusal to do so, but also (according to most translations) expressly caused Pharoah's refusal by hardening his heart. This suggests that God really just wanted an excuse to murder non-Jews, making the god of Israel a terrifying and evil and overtly racist deity. So the story itself is pretty scary, but what's scarier that so many people joyfully celebrate these horrific events and that there was an entire section of 39¢ cards devoted to wishing people a "happy" Passover. Forgive me for saying so, but this is anything but a happy tale.

So I guess it makes sense that in spite of the caption, Moses is most certainly not smiling on the card above as he parts the Red Sea that will shortly collapse to drown Pharoah and his entire army. The caption within is also appropriately somber: "Let us pray for our families and friends as we celebrate Passover." I'm going to amend that statement with Especially if they are not Jewish!!! because we've seen that God really doesn't like the Gentiles and will afflict them with lice and boils and even kill their kids simply to show how mighty and terrible He is. Seriously, this is bar none one of the worst and most fucked up stories in the Bible and it's this pivotal and important holiday in the Jewish faith. SCARY. And that's all I've got to say about that.

So now that we've looked at today's ghastly greetings cards, this would typically be the part where I'd unveil Scary-Crayon's contribution to the proceedings -- but given that last year's Easter card was so bloody damned incredible, there's no point in even trying to top it this year. I mean, really -- the Easter Feaster Bunny chowing down on the baby Jesus? Nothing beats that. (Order your thongs today!) So instead of alternately laughing and cringing at whatever new scary card I would've come up with today, you can simply take a moment to consider how seriously deranged these springtime holidays about murder and zombies and perverse, murderous rabbits really are. Then consider that people are singing songs and celebrating them en masse. Then, if you can, try to enjoy your Cadbury Creme Eggs without shitting yourself in fear. Happy holidays out there... whatever you are.

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