And now, Scary-Crayon presents...
Santa Claus is HO HO HORRIBLE.
by: Wes

SO. Christmas 2005 is over and done with. You've all been visited by Saint Nick (or not, depending upon your religiocultural -- haha, that's a crazy word -- traditions), you've all gotten your prezzies, you've all had a happy, relaxing holiday and you've all been once again reminded that the world is a fundamentally good place and that people are really loving and caring deep down and that they it just takes the proper push -- like the holiday season -- to bring out all of that fuzziness and beneficent cheer. Whoops! You've all been totally deceived.

See, I didn't want to ruin your holidays by telling you this (great excuse for posting this article so late, Wes!), but people actually suck. The winter holiday season, despite the few good things that come out of it, is not, nor could it ever be, a truly positive time of year. A rush to do nice things one month out of the year is not indicative of a truly giving nature or the extent of human compassion, nor do a bunch of presents (even Donatellos) help to fill a miserable orphan's life with joy during the remainder of the year he has to spend in a ratty orphanage being daily reminded of the gruesome demise of his loving parents and nightly ass-raped by that scruffy older kid who sleeps on the top bunk. Oh, cringe if you will, but keep in mind that the winter holiday season doesn't represent even a temporary reprieve from these problems. No, holly-jolly atmosphere of the month of December is merely a blindfold that we humans use to block out the manifold horrors of the wretched world in which we live.

Santa Claus ain't that nice.

Nowhere is this more apparent than in the exceedingly positive depiction of jolly old Saint Nick. Starting as early as October and running through November and December and sometimes through January, depending upon how lazy people are with taking down their decorations, it's almost impossible to enter any neighborhood or retail establishment without catching numerous glances of his ruddy, snow-white-bearded face, smiling like a fat jackass and oftentimes laughing with festive mirth. What most people fail to realize, however, is that Santa's classic expression of "HO HO HO" is not simply a joyful exclamation that issues from his lips because he's such a happy cat. No, he's laughing at your pain and his ability to retain this favorable portrayal even while figuratively shitting on pretty much everyone in the world that holds him in high repute. Let me explain.

Students of religion and philosophy (and readers of Harry Potter and Philosophy, for that matter) may recall the problem of evil, which chiefly consists of the following question: "Assuming that God is omniscient, omnipotent, and wholly good, why is there evil in the world?" After all, a God that was entirely beneficent, aware of all of the evil in the world, and possessed the power necessary to stop it would surely do so -- but as we see, this is not the case. And while various persons have posited sundry solutions to this difficulty (none of which are entirely satisfactory, IMHO), these answers are of little help when we modify the problem of evil and apply it to Santa.

Okay, so while he's supposedly pretty damned good (that whole pirate thing and giving naughty children lumps of coal aside), Santa's not omniscient. Despite being highly knowledgeable about people's daily activities, given that he possesses a list of the various offenses of children (and sometimes even adults, if we recall Santa's words to Professor Hinkle in the Frosty the Snowman holiday special), Santa Claus is not omniscient. In fact, according to L. Frank Baum's The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus, little Nicholas was simply a normal kid raised in an enchanted forest whose love of giving gifts led ye gods to grant him immortality -- and while we might be tempted to assume that immortality also confers certain advanced intellectual capabilities, the wacky antics of the Greek pantheon should lead us to doubt that presumption. As such, the suggestion that God's omniscience renders him aware of some surpassing benefit to the existence of evil that we humans, with our inferior minds, are unable to comprehend, Santa Claus has no such out. He sees evil as we do, and he should utilize his impressive powers to halt it. Instead, he sits on his tubby ass 364 days out of the year and spends a great deal of time on that 365th day pigging out on YOUR cookies and drinking YOUR milk. What a guy!

When Men of Steel StrikeAND he's romantic!

"But wait!" you say. "Even if Santa does view evil the way we do and desires to stop it, he's not omnipotent -- so, like us, he's powerless to prevent the manifold ills of the world." I disagree. While Santa may not be properly omnipotent, he does possess some incredible abilities. In addition to being able to soundlessly slip his fat ass in and out of millions of chimneys, the dude travels the entire world and delivers hundreds of millions of presents in a single night! According to various physical equations that folks have worked out, Santa moves at least 3000 times the speed of sound. Granted, he requires a team of flying reindeer to do so, but that's still pretty impressive. Superman doesn't move nearly as fast (we don't know exactly how fast Superman is, but bullets can apparently move up to one mile per second, whereas Santa's doing 650+ m/s) and that fucker flies all over the world ALL YEAR LONG, battling supervillains and stopping mudslides from burying poor villages in Latin America while still making time to court Lois Lane on the side. Santa works ONE NIGHT A YEAR (or three, depending upon your figures), and what does he do? He brings toys to children. Yeah, it's a nice gesture, but it simply doesn't compare with preventing the Legion of Doom from taking over the world and killing everybody -- especially given the extent of Kris Kringle's powers. Instead of giving out toys to good little girls and boys, Santa should utilize his strength to stop terrorists and divert hurricanes and tsunamis. Supes would.

But Santa doesn't, and why not? 'Cause he's an asshole. Anyone good person who far exceeds the speed of sound should be able -- no, should be expected -- to do great and wonderful things like bring about world peace or end world hunger, but no. On the contrary, Santa is fat bastard and consumes enough holiday treats in a single night to feed a small African nation for an entire year. What does Santa need all that food for? One night a year aside, it's not like he's doing anything during the remainder of the year. Hell, the guy has slaves to do his work! Even if the elves are "happy" working their stubby fingers to the bone all year for no pay whatsoever, it's fucking unacceptable. Having to hall his tubby ass and hundreds of millions of gifts for over 100 million miles aside, even the reindeer get better treatment than that! But Santa Claus doesn't care, and it makes me fucking sick that children are so happy on Christmas morning to find gifts that, in truth, were manufactured through the "miracle" of slave labor and delivered to them by a thoroughly insensitive bastard.

Santa Claus gives you shit.

So when this time of year rolls around in 2006, people, I want you to think about what we've discussed here. Instead of lying to your kids and presenting Kris Kringle as a great and worthy symbol of compassion and festive cheer, let them know that he probably could've dispersed Hurricane Katrina and saved the life of that kid in their class who got run over by an old lady during Easter vacation. Tell them that Santa's "helpers" in the malls are responsible for perpetuating a myth that keeps thousands of elves enslaved in his factories, working tirelessly to craft toys for "good" children, by which we mean spoiled, wealthy children who have no behavioral problems because they have lots of friends and lots of candy and nothing to complain about. And when they see that homeless man on the street who hasn't eaten for a week begging for change to buy an Egg McMuffin sandwich at McDonald's, tell them that Santa Claus consumes hundreds of millions of plates of cookies and glasses of milk in a single night and doesn't even bother to put the dishes in the sink when he's finished. And while he's a pretty big guy, even Santa's stomach capacity can't be that impressive -- so where's he shitting during his escapades on Christmas Eve? Well, Virgina... just look under your tree. Here endeth the lesson. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

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