And now, Scary-Crayon reviews...
RED SONJA #0 -- The She-Devil With a Sword Returns!
by: Wes

25 cent introductory issue!Okay, I'll be honest -- I know next to nothing about this character. So, since Google isn't being very forthcoming with the background info links (it's directed me to a bunch of livejournals and personal homepages by teenage girls who've taken Red Sonja's name for themselves, though), we're gonna skip that part of the introduction. Sorry! Nobody really cares about that stuff anyway, though -- Red Sonja's tough, red-haired, and fucking hot. That's why people like the character, no matter what they tell you about her origins and her numerous adventures with Conan the Barbarian.

So now, after years in virtual hiding following 1985's ill-received film adaptation, Red Sonja's back to kick more ass and provide adolescent boys with masturbation fodder in a new comic from Dynamite Entertainment. Apparently the response to the special 25 cent introductory issue has been fairly impressive -- according to a press release on the Dynamite website, Red Sonja #0 is "the first non-Marvel/non-DC comic to achieve over 200,000 in initial sales." Sure, it's nothing to sneeze at, but it's not all that surprising either -- the book's got a hot steel bikini-wearing red-haired vixen on the cover brandishing a sword and, oh, just happens to be 25 cents! Hell, I bought three copies of the damned thing myself.

Nice!So how is it, you ask? I mean, for 25 cents, it can't be that good, right? Well. Well, well, well. For starters, most introductory comics with introductory prices are somehow incomplete -- sure, they're cheap, but they try to play you for a chump, furnishing you with six pages of comic and fourteen pages of ads and ending on cliffhangers continued in issue such-and-such number whatever... which just happens to be $2.99. Man, I remember when comics were $1 a pop! How times have changed. Anyway, Red Sonja #0 doesn't do that. You get a full advertisement free fifteen-page story here, which admittedly isn't the deepest story in the world, but Red Sonja fans don't care about that. And as for what they do care about...

...well, just check out the first two panels of the comic. Yes, they're closeups of Red Sonja's ass. Her round, delectable ass! As Martha Stewart would say, it's a good thing. Throughout the comic, you get shots of her heaving bosom, zooms of her glistening metal-covered crotch, intimate glances at her alluring green eyes, and numerous depictions of her ultra curvy hips and the various pointy weapons hanging from them. Pick your fetish, kiddies -- one panel even shows a closeup of her boots.

Still not horny? How about this -- at one point in the comic, Red Sonja devours a huge loaf of bread in only two panels and then proceeds to get fucking drunk off her ass and pass out -- and she still manages to wake up in time to avoid a barrage of arrows and kill everyone in the fucking town and burn it to the ground without breaking a sweat or even once complaining about a hangover. She's fucking vicious and I think I love her.

Chowing down and drinking up.

What a woman. Anyway, I've really got nothing more to say about this comic short of tearing it to pieces -- thereby defeating Red Sonja in combat! -- and proposing to the she-devil with a sword on the spot and then losing my fucking mind because the blasted paper confetti won't answer me DAMNIT SONJA WHY DO YOU TEASE ME THE WAY YOU DO... so, er, just mosey on down to your local comic shop and pick up a copy for yourself. Hell, pick up multiple copies in case you get one all sticky. GO NOW! Tell 'em Scary-Crayon sent you. They'll have no fucking idea what you're talking about, but maybe in the resultant confusion you can stuff a few dozen copies of Red Sonja #0 into your pants without the comic book guy noticing. After you've paid for them, of course. You're not a thief, just perverted. I don't blame you, though! I want Red Sonja in my pants too.  <3

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