And now, Scary-Crayon and Strange Cousin Susan present... Sarah Jane Smith Fashionista Fever! -- Part Three: I don't think we're in Croydon anymore by: Mickey

Welcome back! We're up to part three in Sarah Jane Smith Fashionista Fever!, which will cover the serials "Terror of the Zygons", "Planet of Evil", "Pyramids of Mars", "The Android Invasion", "The Brain of Morbius", and "The Seeds of Doom". These six stories provide the fanatical overanalyzer avid fashionista observer with more than she could hope for, including an unprecedented four different outfits in the season finale. Sweet! However, lest I get your hopes up, there are some caveats. Except for the picture below, the much-beloved UNIT cammies will not be making an appearance this time around. In addition, the love affair Sarah Jane had been carrying on with her lovely knee-high leather boots cooled down when she all but kicked them to the curb in favor of more organic footwear in the serials between "Terror of the Zygons" and "The Seeds of Doom," such that those two serials act as boot bookends for the last full season that Sarah Jane traveled with the Doctor. But fear not: although the affair may have waned somewhat, there are still more than enough boot shots to go around for the boot voyeurs!

Because it's always prudent to look back at some point to see the progress we've made, let's take a moment to review some visual highlights from the previous two articles. If nothing else, this reminder of just how far everyone's favorite companion came during the show's 11th and 12th seasons should leave you even more appreciative of where she lands on the fashionista-meter this time around!

Guys, look. I'm terribly sorry about this... can you cut me some slack just this once?This cut definitely looked better when my hairdresser did it.These boots are made for walkin' and that's just what they'll do...
Season 11 (as seen in Sarah Jane Smith Fashionista Fever! Part 1!)

Yes, Doctor, I swear on your box of Jelly Babies that I'll never, ever wear this scarf again.Severin, du yu tink Ah shud haev jes taekn teh brandyz frum Harry?Oh, Harry, you are just SO SO SO darn cute in that blue blazer!
Season 12 (as seen in Sarah Jane Smith Fashionista Fever! Part 2!)

It's been said that every cloud has a silver lining -- yet as her time with the Doctor progressed, Sarah Jane one-upped the old saying and started circling her fluffies with increasingly shiny goodness. That's not to say there weren't a few missteps along the way (remember that horrid striped ensemble from "Planet of the Spiders"?), and it wasn't until "The Sarah Jane Adventures" that we witnessed absolute fashion perfection on a weekly basis. Still, it's not fair to expect the Doctor's best companion to be perfect all the time, is it? Discussion of TSJA and the dead-sexy present-day Sarah Jane will come some other time, but for the time being let's press ahead with the classic cute-as-a-button Miss Smith and her enthralling wardrobe selections.

First up is "Terror of the Zygons," though there's really not much to be terrified of here. Unless you're a huge Harry Sullivan fan, that is, as his decision to resign as the Team TARDIS medical boy at the end of the serial leaves the show bereft of his adorable stick-in-the-mud charm. If the thought of the Brigadier in a kilt makes you wish you still had your childhood bankie to make the man in the skirt go away, I suppose that particular outfit could be rather vexing as well. But where Sarah Jane's clothing is concerned, there are absolutely no D, you look as flippin' weird as Sarah Jane and I look cute. So there!complaints whatsoever! I can't even complain about the Brig in his kilt, though I hope I never find out what a UNIT officer does or doesn't wear underneath one.

Anyway, how could there be anything but laurels and hardy handshakes all around -- not to mention mouth breathing where Sarah Jane is concerned -- when, the first time we see her, she's wearing the Doctor's hat? Delightfully adorable and adorably delightful, she is. So is Harry, for that matter, sporting the Doctor's mile long scarf. And the expressions on both their faces are priceless! Better to let your companions share in the fun than shove hat and scarf into a coat pocket when you decide to go in for a pretty serious Scottish look, even if the tam o'shanter added at least another six inches to your already freakish height.

Further negating the presence of any complaints whatsoever is the rest of Sarah's ensemble. The shade of the jacket and pants is a perfect smoky blue-green; it's got just enough color to compliment the white shirt and isn't overpowering in the least. The color also works incredibly well to bridge the span between the black boots and the white top. Any remaining complaint would rightly be blown out of the water by the boots. These Please stop asking me if you can try on my boots. It's starting to piss me off, Doc.are, without a doubt, the most serious, "I may be no bigger than a minute, but I'll still kick your ass" boots we've seen yet. There's also a fine, sweet line between innocence and kinkiness... and her footwear not only straddles it, but may or may not be hiding a riding crop somewhere. Sarah Jane hardly looks the type to know anything more about handcuffs than what she's seen on the police dramas, but seeing her in those boots may cause one to wonder. Wouldn't you agree? Really, you don't have to answer that question. I'd so plead the Fifth here as well, not to mention to any and all queries even remotely related to the topic of knee-high black leather boots and handcuffs.

Except for the latter part of "Genesis of the Daleks" and then "Revenge of the Cybermen", we haven't often seen Sarah Jane sporting pants as commonplace as cammies or jeans -- but that all changes with "Planet of Evil." It's also the first time since "Robot" she hasn't been running after robots (!), Daleks (!!), real living dinosaurs (!!!), and The Loch Ness Monster (!!!!) without the help of a sturdy pair of leather boots. What she wears instead are fookin' weird and, true to form, rather impractical. Oh, Sarah Jane, your ability, nay... your gift for this type of thing is, without question, unrivaled.

Note to self: Don't engage the madman standing next to me by looking at him.If I find you at the pub one more time, piss drunk and passed out, I'm leaving you. For good!

Lace-up espadrilles likely aren't the best type of shoes to wear when dealing with anti-matter monsters, but they sure do look cute and so does she. I'm not entirely sold on their color, though. It so totally does not go with the shirt. At all. Luckily, Sarah's got a bit of wiggle room here, since pretty much any type of shoe works well with jeans... so I suppose cutting her a little slack is called for. I like this outfit because it's simple; even the ruffles on the shirt aren't that bad when taken with the entire ensemble. They're a little flouncy for my tastes, but hey, what did I just say about cutting the poor woman a bit of slack? My main concern with those espadrilles is that poor Sarah Jane could have twisted or sprained those debutante ankles very, very easily. On the other hand, she's so slight that any damage she might have done to her ankles would probably have been minimal. I'm guessing her weight might not top out at ninety pounds, soaking wet. Even without a pair of boots, though, this outfit is excellent. Simple, comfortable, and -- with the exception of the espadrilles -- highly pragmatic. My fashionista-fu sense gives this a thumbs up. And if Sarah Jane had worn boots this time around, it would have been a total double thumbs up with an option to exercise the Fifth Amendment.

On to "Pyramids of Mars," where I'm forced to ask, "For God's sweet sake, Sarah Jane... what exactly is this?" Jesus H. Christ on a skateboard, this is horrendous. What would possess anyone to wear something that is a) so utterly and without question the worst outfit in the TARDIS Boutique (and everyone knows exactly I'm not a companion on wheels; I really do have feet under this dress!!where I stand on those early clothes, though I've even lightened up a bit on the dress from "Robot" because this one is so damned awful!), b) absolutely devoid of any shred of usefulness outside of a tea party setting (and even that might be a stretch), and c) actually belonged to a prior companion? Eww. That's gross, because how in the world do you know if it was ever laundered in the 100+ years between wearings? Given how much trouble the Doctor has controlling the TARDIS, don't you think there's an above average chance he might have been stumped by a washer and dryer? Come on, Sarah! Seriously, girl, I've got two words for you: pit stains.

Can I at least comment on the footwear here? No, since that moth-bitten, pit-stained, floor-length bit of leftover Victoriana has obscured it so completely. Well played, Sarah. The only thing that could have cleansed the palate of this dress can't even be seen. Still, even with that piece of lace oddly draped over your head, you couldn't be any more charming if you tried. God bless you, Sarah Jane Smith. You're just so fookin' cute sometimes.

This serial was one of the first -- if not the very first -- times that I'd seen Sarah Jane in action, and I distinctly recall being flabbergasted by this dress. I remember grousing about how awful it was and figured there would be no way that I could ever take her seriously. Ah, the folly of youth... before Sarah was finished telling the Doctor she knew what she was doing when he handed her a rifle, the Sarah Jane spell was cast. When she locked and loaded the thing, it was all over for me. Sweet, sweet mystery of life, I think I've found you.

Ummm, Doctor? You're stepping on my foot.Gotcha! Just kidding about leaving you if I find you at the pub, piss drunk and passed out.Oh, shoot. Did I remember to unplug the iron this morning?

With the exception of noting the rather obvious nautical flavor of said clothing, there's not a whole hell of a lot to say about Sarah's outfit in "The Android Invasion." That collar is pretty damned bad, but somehow it doesn't leave my fashionista-fu sensitivities flummoxed in the least. Perhaps I'm finding myself inured to Sarah Jane's more perplexing fashion choices now that we're fourteen serials in? Dammit. And I forgot about the weird beret... is that a beret? It's definitely the worst part of the ensemble, but luckily for us, and for Sarah Jane, it's not around for very long. Yet the shoes and socks are what I'm most focused on here, as I did promise that Sarah Jane's entertaining footwear would make another appearance. Here we have it: Pink! Striped! Socks!

If these are really made of hemp, could I smoke them and get high?Nyah, nyah, nyah, madeja look, madeja look, stole your mother's pocketbook!*Did* I unplug that iron or not? What if the TARDIS goes up in flames? The Doctor will kill me!

Sweet, sweet mystery of life, I think I've found you. Again. At any rate, this example of Sarah Jane's sudden boot abandonment seems even more drastic than what we witnessed in "Planet of Evil," if only because these particular shoes have little tiny flowers on them. At least I think they're flowers. Lace-up espadrilles or flower-printed, umm, high-heeled hemp clogs? That's two strikes on the shoes, Sarah Jane. Thank dancin' heavenly Jesus you were able to find the beloved pink striped socks underneath your bed, because they are totally saving you here -- so much so that I'm going to wipe the shoe-slate clean because I dig them that much. Even without the cammies and boots, I think I still might marry them if given half the chance.

Oi, my head's killing me. How much did you say I had to drink, again?"The Brain of Morbius" finds our heroine sporting a look reminiscent of a particular girl in my sixth grade class. She was wicked, wicked popular: more popular in a day than I ever would be in my lifetime. This girl, Alicia, dressed very much like Sarah Jane this time out of the TARDIS, whereas I dressed more like the Sarah Jane of yore... but never mind that. Still, with the quilted vest and the tie-ties at wrist and ankle, I'm really surprised Sarah didn't have barrettes in her hair a la "Robot", only with two ribbons of contrasting colors -- and with the ends of that ribbon just as long as her hair, beaded at the ends -- woven in and around the barrette. Seriously.

These may not be entirely logical fashionista findings, since this serial predates my sixth grade vexation at Alicia's stylish wardrobe and wicked popularity by a good six to seven years, but the painful memories of my own fashion faux pas when I was younger can't even be assuaged by a good pair of boots in "The Brain of Morbius." The thoughts of a very specific pair of high-water plaid bell bottoms can still wake me from a dead sleep, a piercing scream tearing its way from my lips as hot tears wet my cheeks. Oi, those were harrowing times for a wee fashionista-fu! But enough about me -- what possible explanation can there be for these, Sarah Jane? You weren't blind when you got dressed that morning, were you? I don't like to beat a dead horse -- especially when there's no flippin' hope of there being any glue left -- but once again, girl, you're running true to form with terribly impractical footwear.

Finally, as mentioned earlier, "The Seeds of Doom" sees Sarah Jane in an unparalleled four. different. outfits. What a bang-up way for the fashionable Miss Smith to finish her last full season of "Doctor Who"! Between the uncharacteristically bright clothing in the beginning to what I'm guessing is a sundress at the end, Sarah certainly makes the most of the four wardrobe changes. Let's start with the snowsuit and accessories that Sarah Jane dons as she joins the Doctor in the Antarctic.

What does he mean, that the horizontal stripes make me appear...fat? He's got to be joking.Hot, hot, hot! Ow, ow, ow!Can you swear on the Seal of Rassilon that's not real fur?

As evidenced by this hodge-podge combo of colors and patterns and fabrics, Sarah's obviously still suffering from residual blindness due to her time frolicking with Morbius in the laboratory on Karn. Strangely enough, however, she pulls this very colorful and dizzying look off quite successfully! When Sarah Jane decides it's high time to break out of that fashion shell, she doesn't muck about. And we all know her track record with stripes, but at least those seen here are smaller and going in the same direction (unlike that atrocious outfit from "Planet of the Spiders"). Also, I've owned snowsuits similar to the overalls she's wearing in the first picture -- although they were never yellow -- and oh, how I remember the awful scritch-scratch sound they made when I walked. I wonder if Sarah experienced the same thing? The orange pom-pom hat is wonderful in that totally Sarah-licious way and I really dig it, although I can safely say I would never wear such a thing unless I had been drinking and wasn't in full control of my actions. The hooded coat isn't so great either; how in the world can she see around that ginormous trim on the hood? And would it really keep her head warm if it didn't cinch together in a bow under her chin? Oh, maybe that's what the Sarah-licious pom-pom hat is for!

So, I was all, don't get up in my grill, biotch and she was like...Gawd, Doctor, this is no time for rock, paper, scissors.Next up is one of my favorite Sarah Jane outfits. (Sure, it ranks somewhat below the UNIT cammies and the Andy Pandy overalls, but then it's fair to say that every other outfit pales considerably next to them!) Sarah's definitely taking after the Doctor here with the addition of that flasher trench coat, and she continues the trend of multitudinous patterns and colors with the skirt ensemble. The corseted look, however, largely serves to accentuate the woman's incredible slimness -- but while she could do without the corset-like bit bringing attention to the fact, poor Sarah Jane would have no figure at all if it were missing!

Even if the flower pattern does absolutely nothing for me, my vote still goes to the muted colors seen here rather than the blinding scheme of Sarah's Antarctic getup. Not to mention that, together with memories of wicked popular Alicia and her clothing, the tie-tie around Sarah's neck again suggests the illogical fashionista observation and a dating controversy...

And even if you hadn't been able to get your hands on those socks in "The Android Invasion," SJ, these boots would have redeemed you for the hemp clogs and the bizarre t-strap pumps. That's how much I missed the boots, and these ones are so utterly awesome. Although they're not black, and we've definitely seen Sarah Ooh, I swear if he says one more thing, I'll knock that goddamn hat off his head! Jane in boots quite a few times in the past, absence makes the heart grow fonder (or frantic, depending upon your viewpoint). And there are plenty of fine opportunities for the voyeuristic among us to mouth-breathe over the boots: for instance, here, here, and here. Take a moment to wipe away the drool.

Alas, the next wardrobe change is quite painful for me -- and I'm sure for everyone else, as well. Why, why, why would Sarah resurrect this outfit when there were so many better ones from which to choose? I'd much rather have seen that wacky, hippie scarf again before this! Hell, even the Dancing with the Companions dress would have been an improvement. One step forward, two steps back. To be fair to Sarah, though, this looks better on her now than it did in "Planet of the Spiders"... but that's only because her hair dulls the pain somewhat. Yes, it's most certainly the incredibly improved hair style! Hey, I never said a fashionista-fu was all about deep fashion thoughts, did I? Even we are susceptible to such shallowness from time to time.

Uh, Sarah Jane? I fucked up again. We're back where we started.Look, Sarah, stop giving me a hard time. I've admitted this TARDIS pwn3d me years ago.

I have few words for Outfit #4, and I'm sure that I've used them all to describe Sarah's outrageous collars on previous outfits: this collar looks more like a pair of wings belonging to a bird that smacked right into the TARDIS, it's likely wider than Sarah at her widest, and I simply cannot get over the sheer absurdity of its size. Despite all that, who doesn't like a fun bunch of polka dots? I've never met anyone who totally dislikes them. Even I like them! Something else to note is that red is an awesome color and Sarah Jane wears it quite well. Not everyone does. (We'll see Sarah in red once more before the end of her traveling days.) And the hair comb she's sporting will go unremarked upon, except to say that I remember, well... someone's extensive collection of similar accessories and her penchant for wearing five or six at a time, one tucked up underneath the one before it. Come to think of it, I don't remember the last time I actually saw hair combs for sale. Probably just as well, because someone might regress back to the old days and wear far too many at once.

What does the Doctor think I do all day? Hang around waiting for him to rescue me? Hey, yeah! That's exactly what I do!Still. Not. South. Croydon.Your snide remarks about this outfit and how much it looks like I've aged mean nothing to me.

With the conclusion of Part Three of Fashionista Fever!, we're officially in the home stretch of classic Sarah Jane Smith apparel analysis. Next time, our fashionista-fu foci will include another madly-patterned dress, one more boot sighting, a strange visual tie-in to a KaTe Bush video (perhaps the first of its kind for Sarah, but definitely not the last), and, in the hallowed name of Andy Pandy, a pair of red overalls, more striped socks, and yet another head scarf. And because "The Masque of Mangragora" and "The Hand of Fear" seemed a bit skimpy, expect bonus observations from "K-9 and Company: A Girl's Best Friend" as well!

-- Mickey --

You've come this far, so why stop now? Continue on to the next installment of Sarah Jane Smith Fashionista Fever! -- or revisit either of the previous episodes!

| Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four |
| Part Four and a Half A | Part Four and a Half B |

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