January 18, 2006
FREE FOOD DAY!!! and a Hot Flash.

Hard to believe it’s been a whole week since the last update. Sorry about that, y’all! I haven’t been feeling terribly well. It’s not that I’m sick, and I’m not even feeling that ickiness that precedes the onset of illness — it’s more like a vague ickiness that precedes the general ickiness that precedes the onset of illness. Its only real symptom is that I’ve been extremely tired and my veins feel like they’re filled with that slime that accompanies certain canned meats. I really don’t know.

Anyway, new pieces today! The more substantial of the two, FREE FOOD DAY!!!, contains a review of the free offerings at California Tortilla and McDonald’s on last Friday the 13th, as well as more general comments about the thoughts that went through my head and the sights that I saw during my adventure to attain these cost-free edibles. Also, I saw a taco man. I spoke to the taco man. The taco man did not reply. Because taco men cannot speak. This is a pretty weird piece, and I was kinda suffering from the ickiness mentioned above when I wrote it (not that I’m not suffering from it now…), so I’d be especially interested to hear what you think of it. ‘Cause while subsequent articles may not even pay the lip service to the general theme that this one did, I could see doing more “adventures around town” type articles in the future.

And then there’s the latest installment of Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash. Surely you’ve seen those ads in which the giant, talking Pop Tarts run around and try their best to avoid being eaten — and sadly fail each time — yes? Every time I watch one of those commercials I get sad and angry. I mean, I like Pop Tarts too, but there’s no way I’d try to eat a living Pop Tart if I met one. I’d even beat the shit out of anyone who tried to take a bite out of him. I mean, think about it — a Pop Tart that can walk and talk and fear for its life is, for all practical purposes, a human being, albeit one that looks and possibly tastes a lot like a Pop Tart. So these fuckers going after them are cannibals. Are we supposed to be rooting for them? Also, these Pop Tarts try really hard. Okay, sometimes they do dumb things like lick poles and hide in giant toasters, but in that one short they actually managed to build a rocket ship and fly to the moon — only to be eaten by giant green one-eyed aliens. Fucked. Up. I could see if these people were scientists who wanted to study the living Pop Tarts and find out if they had organs or were being animated by other, supernatural means, but these creatures that simply want to eat them really make me angry. So in this comic, the Pop Tart finally wins. A winner is the Pop Tart. Yes.

All for now. And do remember, Scary-Crayon turns two years old one week from today! Hopefully I’ll feel better and have some unique articles up to celebrate. But hopefully I’ll post something else before then, too. Ja!

-posted by Wes | 1:37 pm | Comments (19)
  • I really miss the old pop-tart commercial with the humanoid strawberry being kidnapped. That was the best commercial ever!

    Also, I think that burrito looked great, but then again I rather like beans and rice. If you don’t, I can see what the problem is. Still, it was free.

    Anyway, I’d certainly like to see more “town adventure” articles, especially since I live in an even sadder town that makes yours look pretty good to me. MY town’s a hell-hole.

    BTW I think most of your readers, myself included, keep those same wacky hours.

  • Wes says:

    Well, I don’t hate beans and rice, per se, I just don’t see why people go crazy for big heaps of them that all taste pretty much the same no matter where one goes. I mean one can buy giant tortillas and beans and rice and make these things — it’s not like there’s anything particularly unique about them. Or maybe there is but they keep giving me the wrong thing at the burrito joints. Ah well.

    I’d definitely like to do more town adventure articles! Of course, the problem with that is that people always want to lynch me when I take out the camera, so I’m not sure I’d be able to supply the requisite photographs for that kind of article! But we’ll see.

    And I dunno about the wacky hours thing! I think most of my readers have regular employment and/or school, so their hours can’t be as irregular as my own. 😉

  • Well, 90 % of the burritos I eat are ones I make at home. The ingredients are rather cheap and they’re fun to make. Next time I get tortillas, I’m trying that PB and banana burrito recipe you have on your site. That looks like a fine dessert AND homage to Elvis!

  • Molly says:

    What’s with a food commercial that is suggesting you NOT eat the product? Is this reverse-psychology trickery?

  • I’ve wondered that myself. Mainly about those old Dominoes pizza commercials where an evil action figure kept falling into something disgusting (dog-drool, garbage, pig manure, etc.), and then they’d show images of the pizza. It really made me want to stay away from Dominoes. I wish I had those on tape.

    To be honest, I think we’re putting more thought into these than they are.

    Sorry, if I’m flooding a little bit, but really disturbing commercials kinda strike a cord with me. I’ll shut up now.

  • wes,

    i think more town adventure articles sounds like a great concept.. – i really loved it when greg did some articles about his whereabouts in idaho.. and have always personally liked sharing my experiances in southwestern ohio with the world.. – it’d be rad..

  • Kacy says:

    So long as you’re making fun of food commercials, you oughta do a parody of the Apple Jacks advertising campaign! I feel so sorry for “Bad” Apple. The CinnaMon stick has no right in winning all the time!

  • Wes says:

    You know, Kacy, that’s a good idea! I just might do that.

    Oh, and the problem with these Pop Tarts commercials, Mols, isn’t that they’re trying to encourage people not to eat Pop Tarts, but that they are — even when the damned things are human-sized and are capable of forming positive relationships with each other and, oh yeah, fearing for their lives and running away from those who would eat them. I sincerely hope that I’m not in the minority here, but I wouldn’t even attack a giant talking piece of cheesecake with intent to eat it and ohgodIlovecheesecake. And have you seen that commercial with the kid chasing down the Eggo French Toaster sticks? The greed of the characters in these commercials makes me angry. People with greedy eating habits have been described as chowing down as if the food that they’re eating is “running away,” but I honestly wouldn’t eat food that tried to escape from me. And if it could talk, I’d try to learn from it. But maybe that’s because I’m not a greedy and inconsiderate bastard like these assholes who would hunt down and murder innocent humanoid creatures.


  • ninjawolf says:

    Good point Wes. But that poor frosted bastard is fucked the minute I get stuck with him in some situation that make cannabalism neccesary.

  • Molly says:

    All this poptart talk prompted me to get a 48-pack from Costco last night. Happiness…

    I’ve checked, they’re not alive.

  • Wes says:

    I’m glad that you checked, Molly — and so are living Pop Tarts everywhere. Personally, I think the “Is My Food Alive?” check should be a mandatory part of the consumption process. We will call it the IMFA check. Yes.

    Bon appetit!

  • You’re pop-tarts may not be alive, Molly. But, if they’re stawberry-flavoured, I’ll bet they still contain abducted stawberries!

  • Molly says:

    I have a hard time believing the mush they put in those = real strawberries at all. Maybe a distant cousin of the strawberry.

  • Wes says:

    A distant cousin called artificial flavoring, that is!

    Artificial strawberry flavoring is grown from strawberry stem cells.

  • Than it’s more of an “X-files” conspiracy than a “Soylent Green” conspiracy.

  • Lei says:

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who wonders about the logic behind these scary commercials. Food that flees or talks is awful, and frankly, I’ve stopped eating Burger King for fear I’ll wake up to find that creepy plastic head peering into my window.

  • Kristen says:

    You should eat a burrito from Cosmic Cantina, that would change your mind. Especially if you’re drunk at 3am. And Cosmic closes at 4am! Yay!

  • Dwayne says:

    Huh… I suppose I’ll stray away from that establishment if even “you” won’t dare cross those doors again, given your inhuman capacity to addictively eat shit-incarnate disguised as food. What’s the expression? “Where angels(hobos) fear to tread”? Ah well; burritos are the C-Students of Sandwich School that did pot at recess.

    But, *sigh*, this article gave me some serious nostalgia. I just moved away from Laurel a year ago after living there happily for 5 years. And man, what a quagmire. Buildings knocked down everywhere, and gun shots heard every night especially with this new crime rise. I have to say, it’ll be hard to find another town where a random drunk man hurls throwing stars at me on the walk home from school. When I lived there, the lake was actually blue once in a while, and not perpetually turd-green. And to believe I actually rode my bike into it once…

  • RADIX says:

    Oh man, I can agree with you on those poptart commercials. I like them too, but seeing them doesn’t encourage me to go eat one. Can’t we just use the actual, 3D toaster pastries for the commercials?

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