January 23, 2006
Peter Jackson’s King Kong, reviewed!

And yeah, it’s been in the theaters for almost two months now, but we’re finally getting around to reviewing the new King Kong on Scary-Crayon — which is only fitting since he’s appeared in two Hot Flashes thus far and will be appearing in an upcoming Foodstuffs review. As you’ll read, I wasn’t too keen on the movie, but there’s something about a giant gorilla that nevertheless makes the character hard to dislike, even when he is killing and eating people and whatnot. And because the movie’s still in the theaters and not on DVD (not that I’d buy it anyway, unless I came across it in the $5.50 bin at Wal-Mart), screencaps are taken alternately from King Kong Lives, the 1986 sequel to the 1976 remake of King Kong, and the intro to Kong: The Animated Series”, which I happened to record last Saturday morning. King Kong sure loves him some alligators.

And then, in Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash #73, we take a trip down memory lane for a look at myself and one of my best pals back when I was in middle school. I drew this one after a conversation with some folks brought back memories of this guy and his atrocious taste in women. I’m sure you’ve all known someone like him (or at least seen the character in movies) — the guy who would fuck almost anything that moves. Now, I’m not saying that a woman has to be Lacey Chabert to be worth dating, and I’ve certainly been attracted to women who aren’t supermodels by conventional standards. But whereas my attractions have been largely due to the personalities of my respective crushes and my own personal tastes, guys like my old pal not only seemed to genuinely think that these cows were hot, but that their beauty was so obvious that everyone else on the planet would agree. He was definitely an interesting character.

Another thing about guys like this is that despite their obliviousness to any standards of beauty whatsoever, they invariably end up with the hottest girl in the school, town, etc., on their arm at one point or another. It’s amazing. Not only that, but then they’ll act like you’re the one who finally developed some taste when you comment on it and say stuff like, “Maybe now you’ll respect my taste in the future.” Unreal. And then when it doesn’t work out between them — because it never does — the guys go right back to chasing ogres as if they’re Charlize Theron (whom I really don’t find all that hot but she came to mind given that I just watched Mighty Joe Young the other day). Sometimes they’ll even go on at length about how the latest creature that ended up in their bed is even hotter than the super gorgeous woman they previously dated. I don’t get it.

Speaking of things I don’t get, what the hell was up with that “beauty killed the beast” shit in King Kong? I don’t know what events the characters were watching, but it looked to me like the beast was killed by a hail of gunfire and a 102-story drop. I’m just saying.

-posted by Wes | 2:32 pm | Comments (5)
  • First of all, Amen on the new comic. I’ve known plenty of guys like that, but with two big differences….

    1. Screwing “anything that moves” includes record-players and toasters. I’m serious.

    2. None of the ones I knew ever did get the girl. Not even the ugly ones.

    Now about Kong. What you said about racism in King Kong reminded me of something I read about King Kong in a Barry Ween comic. The line in question goes like this…”And the sombitch is RACIST. These dudes must have been tossing him a tribal woman once a month. But WHO does he start chewing on natives and sailors over? WHO makes him go postal? The white girl. TYPICAL male posturing–“.

    Anyway, I think the real problem with Kong here is too many remakes. I don’t know about you, but I’m sure sick of all these remakes coming out. The REAL problem with remakes is that they tend to replace the original. Whenever a remake gets popular there’s like a cover-up that the original ever existed. Well, maybe not a cover up, but it gets ALOT harder to find the original. Just ask any fan of the original version of “The Jackal” as oppossed to the crappy remake.

    While we’re at it, have you ever noticed that the better the media says a movie is, the worse it is. Ebert is such a corprate shill.

  • Wes says:

    Wait, The Jackal was a remake? I guess that proves your point, because I had no idea. Bruce Willis was hilarious in that film, and that scene with Jack Black was just gold. That may be my favorite movie starring Jack Black, though I will admit to liking Shallow Hal. The film made no sense whatsoever and was borderline offensive to overweight people, but still…

    Good point about Ebert, too — even Roeper’s handing out thumbs up like crazy these days. I remember when he would at least hardcore diss almost every film he laid eyes upon, but I guess the network execs asked him to be a little more forgiving or something because goodness he gave Flightplan a thumb up. Good lord that movie was horrible.

    And yeah, screw all of these remakes. Admittedly, though, if I were a filmmaker I’d probably go for a bunch of remakes too. My remakes would totally and intentionally deviate from the spirit of the original works, though. Marry Poppins as a slasher film? Oh, the possibilities are endless.

  • I think I would watch YOUR remakes actually. I’d like to see Mary Poppins slaughter people. She’d still have to sing all the classic songs, though.

  • agustinaldo says:

    Oh, forChristsake, Marry Poppins AS A SLASHER!? WTF?

    Who are you, Joel Schumacher? Pitof? Marcus Nispel?

    What hell IS wrong with you?

    And by the way, Mary Poppins has already been remade. Now it’s called “Nanny McPhee”.

  • Greg says:

    Great review, Wes. You’re a lot kinder to the film than I am, but we don’t need to get into that again. 😉

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