April 1, 2010
April Fool! (Again)

In case you couldn’t tell or didn’t notice the date, I totally wasn’t being serious in my review of The Twilight Saga: New Moon — this movie is terrible. Bella spends most of it being a whiny bitch; the vampires are either uninteresting stock characters, stupid, or just plain jerks (or all of the above); and there’s a lot of stuff with the story that just doesn’t work, except it does because Stephenie Meyer (or the director/screenwriter/etc.) says it does. Perhaps because it’s based on a book, there’s also a lot of exposition — much of which involves the characters explaining why they have to do things a certain way, as with the whole stopping Edward from exposing himself thing. And there’s the stupid sparkling.

I can’t say this is the worst vampire movie I’ve ever seen, but it’s probably the worst I’ve seen with production values this high. It’s not even really a vampire movie. It’s a movie about a teenage girl whining and flirting with death because her boyfriend moved away and she’s oh-so sad, but then she meets this other guy and things aren’t so bad except they are because she’s still oh-so sad and runs off at the drop of a hat to be with the dude who left her — it just has vampires and werewolves and other supernatural stuff along for the ride.

Speaking of rides, the Twilight series depicts vampires as being Flash fast — so why the hell are they driving cars? I’d just run everywhere.

-posted by Wes | 7:12 pm | Comments (13)
  • Molly says:

    Holy crap, Wes, you scared me. Until I read your comment, I was prepared to leave a comment akin to “Wes, if this isn’t an April Fools joke, I am coming to Maryland to beat you silly.”

    Don’t DO that! Ever! LOL

    Both Twilight films have proved entertaining for me because everything’s so ridiculous, I can’t stop laughing.

    • Wes says:

      Ha, I almost wish I’d been serious! Sure, the beating would not have been pleasant, but once you stopped hitting me I think I would’ve been glad to see you! And I’d have been quite silly and fun company by that point, so a good time would have been had by all. 🙂

      I actually thought the first movie was somewhat decent — derivative story and characters notwithstanding, at least the universe was “new” to me — but this second one was just ridiculous and terrible. I couldn’t even find it funny; I just wanted it to be over and stop hurting me.

      In any case, Molly, I bet I can guess what expression you wore as you read that review! Was it… distressed confusion? 😉

  • Wes GRogan says:

    Whew.. you had me going for the first paragraph, and after that I just drank it in for its delicious irony! Well played, good sir!

  • Jester says:

    Loved it Wes. The pseudo-vitriol and sarcasm were sooo thick.

    • Wes says:

      Jester! Long time no comment — I’m glad the Twilight review brought you out of hiding! Or maybe it was just the shirtless Taylor Lautner pics…? 😉

  • Mickelodeon says:

    And my headache had just slithered off into the recesses of my head, only to be brought back as I read this and was all, Seriously? SERIOUSLY? OMG. WHAT’S HAPPENED TO MY FRIEND?!

    Very well done and cheers!

    • Wes says:

      Always delighted to get the drop on you, m’chere — consider it payback for the horror I felt upon reading your initial comments about the first Twilight film! :mrgreen:

  • Grimlock64 says:

    Argh, and I was taking you seriously too! I mean, I would have let you liking it go with just an eye roll, but when you said it was the best vampire movie ever? I was seriously hoping you were lying then. XD

    • Wes says:

      Ha ha… though to be fair, even as awful as this was, I’ve seen far worse vampire movies. None that got a nationwide theatrical release (well, except maybe Dracula 2000), but yeah. 🙂

      Distressed confusion!

  • Leah says:

    Wow- you really had me going for the first half-paragraph. This was quite hilarious, and it’s nice to see part of this awful series dissected in a different manner than usual. Plus, I guess I got the wish I made in the Bunny with Red Wings comments! Thanks, Wes!

    • Wes says:

      You’re welcome, Leah! I did take your request into account when selecting a second April Fool’s Day piece. I don’t think I could write a serious full-length review of the film (it’d be more like an incoherent rant), but this was much more fun to write and allowed me to grant a wish as well. We aim to please! 😉

  • RADIX says:

    You know, after reading that one remark about women in the review, I figured it wasn’t serious, since it was so unlike you. 🙂

    Would you believe Meyer had the GALL to claim that Bella is an “active heroine” who doesn’t sit on her ass and whine? Ha ha ha no one likes a liar dammit.

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