April 20, 2006
“Hazel Wheatkettle’s Dying Wish”

Hello there, children! Still not ready with the Street Fightery goodness for you, but here’s an uncharacteristic something to hold you over in the meantime: a short story entitled “Hazel Wheatkettle’s Dying Wish”. It’s not part of the current project that’s been demanding my attention as of late, but they’re both fiction pieces and this was just kinda sitting there so I figured I’d post it. The piece is kind of serious and pretty sad (an old lady dies, hence the title), so don’t read it if you’re feeling down or if your pet mousey just got eaten by a rogue snake or something. Same goes if you’re in the mood for graphical splendor, as I didn’t even bother to include unrelated photographs with this one. It’s a totally textual experience.

[crappy 1980's live action tv show network]

On a lighter note, who’s been watching “Saved by the Bell” on Cartoon Network? I’ve always gotten a kick out of the show, but the caption and the wacky slowed down advertisements make it even funnier for some reason. Since then, Elizabeth Berkeley has gone on to star in the hilariously awful Showgirls and several not so hilarious but still quite awful direct-to-video films. Mario Lopez became one of the neutered men in the terrible “male” answer to “The View”. Tiffani-Amber Thiessen got all chunky with chipmunk cheeks and then locked herself in a closet after starring on “90210” during its shark-jumping years. Dustin Diamond beat up an old man on national television and then fell off the face of the earth. Aside from that short-lived WB series with Zack, I don’t even remotely know what happened to everyone else.

What the heck is that thing?

For some inexplicable reason, I’ve also been watching “Kingdom Hospital” on SciFi. Not religiously or anything — this show is fucking terrible — but it airs on Tuesday nights during a time when I’m not particularly doing anything so I’ve tuned in. And I don’t get it. It’s this incredibly long miniseries during which almost absolutely nothing happens, making you wonder why the hell they made it so long to begin with (and it’s worth noting that the original series on which it is based, “Riget”, is much, much shorter). But maybe I shouldn’t be surprised, given that Stephen King handled its adaptation for American audiences. I like the guy, but he did write Sleepwalkers. UGH. I’ve been looking forward to the Silent Hill film, but knowing that the actress who played the horrible cat mother is in the movie makes me have second thoughts about it.

But like I was saying, the amount of pointless shit in “Kingdom Hospital” is exasperating. One of last night’s episodes (it airs in four hour blocks of four hour-long episodes each) kept cutting to a headless corpse dancing around in the shower while its head sat under a blow dryer. What? One such scene might’ve been mildly amusing (though still pointless and pretty stupid), but this was just ridiculous. There’s also this talking anteater thing that sometimes opens its mouth really wide to reveal freaky sharp teeth, which aside from my general boredom is about the only reason I keep watching because I want to know just what the hell it is. Well, that and the fact that one of the doctors looks a lot like Bud Bundy.

All for now. Ja!

-posted by Wes | 1:12 am | Comments (10)
  • agustinaldo says:

    Just great, a Stephen King story with a Scooby-Do ending…

    “Yes, I was the nasty ghost haunting this building! I used special effects, holograms and animatronics to fool you all! And I’d have gotten away with it, if not for you meddling kids!”

  • Wes says:

    Er, that’s an interesting assessment. Pretty sure you’re trying to be insulting, too, but eh. Thanks for reading, agustinaldo.

    Scooby-Doo sure had some rockin’ music.

  • agustinaldo says:

    I’m not personally insulting you, I’m just saying the ending sucks. I have nothing but love for Tim Burton, yet I think “Corpse Bride” sucks.

  • Good story, Wes — I printed it out and read it at the office while working. There’s one tiny spelling error, though; you spelled “thought” wrong in the sixth paragraph. I think it’d be really cool if you continued posting your short stories on the site, I know I’d enjoy reading them. Later!

  • Wes says:

    Thanks for pointing that out, Brian. Fun fact: I do all of the coding for the site in Notepad, so no article ever gets spell-checked. Moreover, I tend to post them as soon as I’ve finished writing them, so they’re generally all first drafts! Meaning that I’d wager almost every piece has at least one typo somewhere. At any rate, I’ve fixed this one. 🙂

    agustinaldo: Ah, I see. You know, the ending is probably one of my favorite parts about the piece, as I think it highlights the tragedy of the situation — but let me not analyze my own work in too much detail. I never intended to suggest that the young actor had used any kinds of devices with the express intent of luring Eugene to the site, though.

    Agreed about Corpse Bride, btw.

  • Kristen says:

    Hazel Wheatkettle is a funny name. Can’t you like, burn hazel and wheat in a kettle if you wanted? Or maybe boil them. Interesting.

  • Kacy says:

    To answer your question about “Saved By the Bell”, no, I haven’t been watching it, and I wouldn’t even if I was a “Saved By the Bell” fan. Cartoon Network is supposed to show cartoons and nothing but. That’s why I won’t watch Jetix on Toon Disney – “Power Rangers” is in no way an actual animated series, and neither is “Saved By the Bell”. Somebody ought shoot the people making these stupid decisions. Next thing you know, they’ll be putting “The Adventures of Pete and Pete” and “Clarissa Explains It All” on Nicktoons Network…
    By the way, I haven’t actually read through your story yet. I’m just posting here ’cause no one else has bothered to say anything about Cartoon Network’s stupidity.

  • That story was extemely sad but well written. I do have one question.

    Was the ghost at the end of the story a living actor portraying a ghost or an actual ghost, but not their son, that still had use for money?

  • Wes says:

    I’d intended for the “ghost” to be a homeless actor that Eugene found living in the schoolhouse, but I guess it wouldn’t matter if he were a hired ghost. The important part is that he wasn’t her son, but that Eugene paid him to bring comfort to his wife in her dying moments, thereby resulting in the lie of her dying with a total stranger at her side (and a paid one at that) while the person who really loved her was forced to stand outside in the hallway.

  • Ah, I understand now. A sad ending to a sad story.

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