May 18, 2006
The February 2002 Cosmopolitan Review!

It’s been a loooong while since we’ve had one of these, but my sister happened to leave the February 2002 issue of Cosmopolitan on the floor during her last visit and I took it as a sign that it was time for another of our magazine cover reviews. I actually ended up reading and/or skimming most of the cover material, but eh, a little brain damage never hurt anyyyyahsijdaokdas I’m okay really so ignore the thin trickle of blood running down my philtrum. And maybe it’s my other writing project influencing my style this time around, but something made me want to see how many strange references and analogies I could pack into this review without it detracting from the discussion at hand. I think I did okay in that respect. Please to enjoy article, thanks!

And then we’ve got A Crayon Haiku #51. I know some of my readers out there know Japanese (or whatever these characters are), so feel free to comment or send an e-mail to let me know what the heck this says. I’m counting on you guys! There was no text in the body of the e-mail, so I’m not sure what to make of it. Part of me wants to believe that the Japanese Conky was sending me that day’s secret word so I’d know when to scream. I guess in Japan the screaming would be accompanied by a complete color change to blue with an optional sweatdrop and/or backwards collapse to the floor. See, references. Don’t you wish you had a crazy helmet with a Madball in it?

Until next time, minna-san!

P.S. The blog has finally been upgraded to WordPress 2.02. Excelsior!

-posted by Wes | 12:26 am | Comments (17)
  • agustinaldo says:

    Women read Cosmopolitan.

    To the best of my knowledge, you are NOT a woman.

    Thus, you can’t truly understand and enjoy Cosmopolitan.

    I’m not a woman either, so I guess neither can I.

    One thing you COULD review is Seanbaby’s site. Man, that dude is like a crazier, raunchier version of you

  • agustinaldo says:

    But man, now that I think of it, it would have been really kickass if you were born a woman.

    I guess you would be a mix of Raven from the Teen Titans, Kelly Osbourne and Beyonce Knowles.

    I would defintely date you. I bet you would have a nice, cute female body.

    And then you could tell other women like Disney’s Raven, Britney Spears and Hillary Duff to stop disgracing the female genre.

    Man, that would be sweet…

  • Andi says:

    One year, I thought my mother bought Cosmo for me. I was like, what…?

    The day I realized it in my mail, my friend grabbed the magazine and for one of the “10 Great Ways You Know He Is His” (or something like that), she went through it adding her own little “comments”. And the magazine was destroyed.

    I see girls my age reading it all the time. I think they are immature and most of the stuff goes over the heads. And it’s a bunch of crap. The end. I just want to print this all out and shove it in their faces. But I’m not that cruel.

    This was a good article. I’m surprised you could read a woman’s magazine. You should tackle a Seventeen magazine. Their “true life” stories are so amazingly stupid. 🙂

  • Kacy says:

    I know how you feel about foreign spam. Only in my case, I’m getting spam from Russia! Thank God I have Norton AntiSpam…

  • Greg says:

    agustinaldo, there’s no need to be a jerk.

    Again, this is one my favorite articles in a long time. You’re as fresh as ever, Wes! 🙂

  • Molly says:

    Ha, hilarious. Intelligent discussion of a joke of a magazine.

    “like a gingerbread man!” hahahahaaehhh yeah

    All men are the same and we women must find the key to done learnin about em so we can be happy. And be beautiful. At the same time. *headsplode*

    I’m glad I only get TV Guide.

  • Paragraph 3!

    I have said a rant that has pretty much the same gist as paragraph 3 (but with more profanity) every time I have ever seen a “woman’s magazine”, and THAT’S EVERY DAY! I am just SO glad I’m not the only one who thinks that way.

    Anyway, the “you’re not a woman, so you can’t understand” thing is horse-shit! I know plenty of intelligent women that thankfully wouldn’t touch Cosmo and it’s ilk with a 40-foot pole, and one doesn’t need to be a specific age or gender to recognize crap.

    On that note, Wes, if you’re going to review the “Woman’s Magazines” you should review the equally braindead “Men’s Magazines”. Every issue is 40 pages of paranoia about impotence, a reassurence that size doesn’t matter, sex / relationship advice that assumes all women are sluts, and a bunch of beer and football stuff. Again, horse-shit is horse-shit.

    And agustinaldo, I don’t think I’d be reading Wes’s site if it wasn’t for Seanbaby. My love for internet comedy started with his site, and to other sites like X-E, I-Mockery, and this one. But, I’ve never seen an online comedian review another one’s site.

    I’ve found Seanbaby is the best with ruthless sarcasm, X-E’s Matt’s the best with recapturing childhood and nostalgia, the I-mockery crew have the most variety and are great at just being wacky, and Wes has the most “intellectual” content since he’ll even write short stories and discuss serious issues beyond basic “Pop Culture”.

  • Wes says:

    I agree with your comment about reviewing the men’s magazines too, Tetsu, but note that I never actually buy any of the women’s mags — they just happen to be lying around the house because my mother is a certified Opraholic and my sister is a trendy Louis Vuitton chick. There are a few copies of Muscle & Fitness around (I used to use the bodybuilders as references when drawing the X-Men), but those and technical medical journals are about the only things available from my dad’s catalogue and they’re not really very stupid. There are also some Playboy issues, but they really do have good articles in them. Shit, the one PB I own — the one with Chyna on the cover, because I was a big fan of Joanie Laurer back when she was with the WWF and before she started doing grody pr0n with X-Pac — even has a Ray Bradbury short story in it.

    As far as reviewing the EN sites goes, I did sorta do so in the latest blog post, which actually began as the second part of this comment before it got insanely long. Hopefully I wrote something worthwhile in it…!

  • CL says:

    “Some will say that it’s because I’m not a woman, but I think it’s just because I’m not a complete and total idiot.”

    Haaaaaaaaaagh, must read the rest later! Love it so far.

  • Lisa says:

    Holy crap. I never looked into Cosmo even when my friends were reading it… I knew it was stupid pointless shit, but I didn’t realize it was THAT stupid THAT pointless and such a huge load of shit. Now I’m really sad about the girl in my speech class who called it her Bible.

    Cosmo’s just as sexist to men as women IMO. (Though it probably reaches more women than men, the content is offensive to anyone with a brain.)

    And I would *HOPE* you don’t have to be a woman to understand that most of us are not brainless skanks. (Although according to Cosmo’s stereotypes, you don’t care anyway.)

  • Red Lioness says:

    Can I get an A-men, brother?

    Sometimes it’s painful being an intelligent human being in modern candy-floss pop culture.

  • RADIX says:

    What’s sad is, Wal*Mart (even AFTER their geographic bamboozling in my area) carries this. Usually more than one month’s issue at a time.

    I had to go to school with (and still do) this dumbass slut who said she didn’t read books, only magazines. If I were more of a glutton for suspension, I’d have punched her right there. I’ll bet she was reading this one!

    A rag like this should be reduced to a simple pile of ash. See, it’s ONLY about sex. I remember seeing one cover article claiming that you could have an orgasm “again…and again…and…” No amount of Tide would remove THAT stain! Not to mention, uh, HOW? Isn’t that physically impossible? Does the human body not work that way? It’s worse than ametuer fanfiction!

    Great article, yo.

  • jazzy says:

    Oh my god, that article was fucking brilliant. I hate Cosmo. And yes, I am a woman. Not all of us are as goddamn stupid as Cosmo assumes we are. Thank you for realizing that.

  • Mazzy says:

    Hahaha! You reamed this magazine in every way that I’ve ever wished I could!

    Thanks for summing up my thoughts… I will look back at this fondly when I have to glare at them in the grocery store.

  • DrNightmare says:

    Here’s the thing, Cosmo is aimed at average women. Average people usually pick-up and read literature only because they think they will agree with the author of the piece. Average people don’t go looking to read literature they KNOW they will hate because the average person doesn’t want to read crap they don’t agree with.

    Cosmo is for average women, not women who are sharp as a tack and can sense bullshit coming a mile away. This isn’t for women who can take 2 seconds to re-read what they just read and point-out all the flaws in logic. This mag isn’t for women who are in any way grounded to reality. it’s not for critical thinkers who make decisions based on their own observations and gut-feelings. Cosmo is for the average woman, in other words, Cosmo is for women you most likely wouldn’t even want as a friend because they’d bore you to tears.

    Guys don’t want an average woman (unless that average woman is willing to let us bang them with minimal effort, of course). For the long-run, guys want interesting women, women who go out and ride horses or rock-climb or go para-sailing despite the fact that they have Genital Herpes (don’t you just love those commercials?).

    Cosmo is a magazine that tells average women to be more than what they are, a noble gesture, but it gives horribly skewed and inaccurate tips on how to do it. Being the average Lemming, they follow the directions to the letter, even if it takes them in circles or straight off a cliff.

    I forgot my original point, but I just wanted to share those few thoughts. >__>

  • Simone says:

    I have a Cosmo from the 30s (perhaps 40s?).
    It’s laughable, yet sad at how much the magazine has changed.
    Everything changes with time, I suppose. :/

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