September 30, 2005
Spider-Man is gross.

I realize I’m probably a little late to the ball with today’s article — the puberty connection in the first film was pretty widely noted, and when, after writing the piece, I did a quick web search to see just how many people had emphasized the webbing/semen comparison, this review turned up — but hopefully I took it far enough for it to still be an amusing piece. He’s jizzing on people! As I write this the search terms spider-man and “jizzing on people” don’t yield any Google results. Soon, they will.

Spider Jizz Shield!

Also, here’s a digression I excised from the article but am still very much interested in addressing, so I put the question to you here: Are you aware of any comic book heroes whose actual spit constitutes one of their superpowers? I can think of a few villains, and there are characters who spit fire and energy beams and the like — and the Fly used his spit to terrifyingly memorable effect — but that’s not what I mean. Granted, I have seen video game and cartoon characters whose loogies and even boogers are used for good — the Toxic Avengers, for example — but these characters are supposed to be gross. Any ideas here?

Anyway, Spider-Man is gross. ENJOY. Seeya next time!

P.S. As subtly noted in the previous article, my birthday is this coming Tuesday… so if you’d like to make me happy by buying stuff or making donations or sending presents that don’t explode (ask me how!) or simply commenting or sending e-mails to that effect, feel free. 😉

-posted by Wes | 12:00 am | Comments (15)
  • Scorn the Terrible says:

    Great article, Wes; I thought the same thing, although I was more positive about it. I PREFER the wrist-spurted web-jizz over the device. It just adds to the whole “spider mutation” thing Peter Parker’s got goin’ on. Sure, it’s not realistic as noted by Yahtzee at , but then again, if we’re gonna pick nits, then I’m sure there’s a LOT more we could question.

    Also: I’d love to do a little somethin’ to celebrate the day of your birth, Wes! TELL US HOW. WE DEMAND THE KNOWLEDGE. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. AND POWER IS EVERYTHING.

  • agustinaldo says:

    Well, the theme song DOES say: “Look out! Here CUMS the Spider-Man!”

  • Wes says:

    Scorn: Well, if folks want to send me stuff via postal mail — whether it’s for my birthday or for SC donations anytime — my address is available on my resume, which I link from time to time in the hopes that some magazine editor will swing by the site, laugh his/her ass off, and decide that I need to be writing for that publication.

    I was thinking about putting up an Amazon wishlist of some sort, but I’m one of those folks who doesn’t generally like to ask for or even suggest presents (at least specific ones) — people can get me what they want and even if it sucks I’ll appreciate it. But yeah, there you go. Here’s a list of the DVDs I own as well, in case anyone wants to go that route — as you see, strange and obscure DVDs are always welcome. 🙂

  • Scorn the Terrible says:

    That’s just… that’s just great.

  • Wes says:

    Is it? How so…?

    By the way, I very much enjoyed that article you linked — sounds like Spidey should enter some of these competitive eating events!

  • Scorn the Terrible says:

    That just proves my theory that the real hero isn’t Spider-Man… it’s McDonalds. They truly love to see us smile and are willing to feed hundreds–nay, THOUSANDS–of hamburgers to spider-mutated sexual deviants just to ensure that the burger-eatin’ grins never leave our faces.

  • De says:

    Truly inspired stuff, Wes. If you want more gross spider stuff, check the beginning of The Fairly Oddparents in Abracatastrophe.

  • I’m only halfway through this new article but I’m running late for class.. I just wanted to add that the image of Spidey cumming on Aunt May and caption had me laughing out loud in the computer lab. Brilliant!

  • Scorn the Terrible says:


  • Scorn the Terrible says:

    Seriously, I do.

  • extender says:

    Three phrases should be among the most common in our daily usage. They are: Thank you, I am grateful and I appreciate.

  • notretarded says:

    uhh…you draw an ok conclusion with the whole puberty thing, but everything else you wrote is pretty much retarded

  • anonymous says:

    well…to entertain you, here’s a link to page 11 and 12 of the 3rd installment of the reign series of spiderman. Guess what…peter weeps with his rotting dead MJ in arms apologizing….for none other than killing her with his love juice.


  • no need for one says:

    dude, are you gay or sumthing coming up with stuff like that? i think theres a huge fucking difference between jizzing and web slinging. first off, you can’t just jizz on will, it takes like 5 min of intense wacking off. spiderman shoots web on whim and leaves tons of the stuff in the streets of ny. the spider webbing proteins break down after a couple of hours also leaving no mess. your average sperm cant do that.

  • Anonymous says:


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