ROBOTS IN DISGRACE.

Transformers. Robots in disguise. Heroic Autobots battle evil Decepticons in a million-year war to decide the fate the universe. How do you screw up a premise like that? Michael Bay and company pulled it off.  (7/11/07)

So after an unintentional Scary-Crayon hiatus (sorry!), here’s our review of Transformers. I went to see the film on opening day and started writing the middle paragraphs on the fourth, but then I took a break from it and when I came back I just didn’t really feel like saying a whole lot more about this crappy film even though I could’ve gone on for at least four or five more paragraphs. I honestly don’t see how people are going back to see it second and third times (well, aside from the lowered expectations and/or idiots explanation), because the more I think about it the less sense it makes and the angrier it makes me. This really is one of those films that you’d have to turn off your brain (or just not have one) to enjoy, but since I’m pretty much incapable of that I despised it thoroughly.

I suppose the movie fares a little better if one doesn’t think of it as a Transformers film or doesn’t approach it from that angle, as it’s probably a little less offensive if you think of it as a mindless summer action flick. But I came to see Autobots and Decepticons and Optimus Prime and Megatron, goddamnit, and the little of them that I got was just insulting. I wasn’t really bothered by their movie appearances — though I naturally prefer the G1 (or even Armada and Energon, in certain cases) designs — it was more the bullshit “story” that didn’t even focus on the Transformers that irked me. Certain scenes felt like they were written purely for the sake of working in some puerile UPN-quality joke (“You eyein’ my piece, 50-cent?!”) that wouldn’t be funny even with canned laughter playing along with it. But I’ve said enough about that.

Anyway, after I finished watching the movie I picked up the Shockblast Unleashed volume of Transformers: Energon from the Walmart $5 bin in order to get something resembling a Transformers fix from the day’s events. It’s potentially even more confusing and less interesting than the movie itself — it’s basically Autobots and Decepticons running around corners and throwing out an endless progression of technobabble while combining with each other ad nauseam as events become increasingly more complex — but it does prioritize the Transformers’ exploits above any largely unrelated crap happening on Earth. It’s no G1, though.

So if there’s anything positive to be said about the movie, it’s that it’s (yes, both of those are grammatically correct) ushered in an influx of new Transformers merchandise and the reemergence of products related to the older franchises. I found this at Dollar Tree the other day — and while it’s arguably a bit overpriced for a single Chupa-Chups lollipop (I imagine you can get a whole bag of ’em for like $2), at least now I can clip Megatron to one of my belt loops or something for bonus points at various conventions. I haven’t been quite as interested in the actual movie merch, but the upcoming Target-exclusive G1 redecos of the movie figures may warrant a look. The Fast Action Battlers seem like huge wastes of shelf space, though — unless you were buying for like 2-year-olds who probably shouldn’t have watched Bay’s Transformers anyway, it just doesn’t make sense to get them when the cooler deluxe versions cost the same price. I guess I could see one going with them over the characters that only have voyager counterparts, though.

Seeya next time, minna-san. 🙂

P.S. Don’t miss the Prime/Megatron CSS rollover in the article!