And now, Scary-Crayon reviews... Bo! in the USA by: Wes

Given the nature of my interests -- and my position as webmaster of Scary-Crayon, which sometimes leads me to seek out media that I know and expect to be awful -- I use the word "worst" a whole lot. While watching the third season of "Heroes", I must have exclaimed, "This is the worst shit ever!" aloud at least four times every episode. I may have taken a shine to "Smallville" as of late, but there was a time that I would have launched into passionate, sputtering diatribes about how it was one of the worst shows on television. And while a Google search of the instances of "worst" on SC yields a number of results that don't quite fit the theme -- phrases like "the worst that could happen" and so forth -- it does catch a number of choice reviews of media that I've hated enough to designate the worst something. I described Flightplan as "the worst Hollywood production I've ever seen." Sleepwalkers was "easily the worst film I've seen with [Stephen] King's stamp on it." I called Sergio's Drawing Blood "the worst vampire movie I have ever seen" in one of the earliest articles on the site (though I later added a parenthetical note because, since then, I've seen worse). Heck, I even participated in a multi-site feature -- The Best & Worst of 2006 -- in which I designated a whole bunch of things the worst example of some given category. Whether by accident or on purpose, I routinely unearth products that belong and would do well to stay at the very bottom of the barrel for the good of all humankind.

That said, when I use the word "worst," I'm often exaggerating. That's not the case with many of the articles cited above because I've taken pains to qualify my statements -- the worst Hollywood production, the worst Stephen King movie, the worst show that I watched regularly in 2006, et cetera -- but when I call the most recent season of "Heroes" "the worst shit ever" I'm admittedly stretching the truth (if only a little bit). Even if I'd really thought that that season deserved the title, however, I'd have to retract it now... because in this article I really will review the worst shit ever. Well, by "shit" I mean "television show," since I don't plan to review actual turds, but this program is so terrible that "shit" is arguably a more fitting description. Despite being limited to only picture and sound, this show manages to offend all five common senses and the ones that let you see dead people and dodge Doctor Octopus when he attacks you from behind. Spider... sense... tingling.

"Don't eat that! Don't eat that!"WHY IS THIS SHOW SO NASTY

In fact, before I tell you the title of the show (yes, I know it's in the article heading, but I'm all about the drama), I'm going to illustrate a typical scene from it. In the images pictured above, some celebrity is walking his dogs. It's supposed to be some specific celebrity, but it doesn't really matter -- all of the celebrity parodies on this show wear these fucking grotesque masks that look almost nothing at all like the people they're supposed to be. (For instance, this gag-inducing monstrosity is supposed to be Coldplay's Chris Martin.) The celebrity's dogs don't even resemble what they're supposed to be, since they aren't really dogs -- they are, instead, a loaf of french bread and some sort of melon. The melon has just taken a shit.

"Don't eat that!" the horrific subhuman celebrity impersonation says to the loaf of french bread as it noses about the fresh, dripping fecal matter. "Don't eat that!" He then adds... "I'll eat that."

And then the hideous creature picks up the piece of shit, pops it into his mouth, and cries, "HOT LUNCH!"

"Bo! in the USA" is the worst and most vile television show ever.

SO, if you've ever wanted to watch a celebrity sketch program in which horribly deformed monster things walk their groceries and engage in coprophagia, "Bo! in the USA" is the show for you. But wait! Did I just hear you say that you're not sufficiently disgusted yet? Require further convincing, do you? HAPPY TO OBLIGE, SIRS AND MADAMS! Or, not really happy since looking at these things makes me want to vomit, but reviewing nauseating shit like this is what I do. Let's have a look at a few more of the show's celebrity eyesores:

Okay, even *I* can't get behind this mockery.More identifiable, but I'm still about to toss my cookies.
Not... even... close...Bloody hell. x_X

There's actually a good chance you'll recognize one or more of these, but that doesn't make them any less revolting. I mean hell, I dislike Oprah Winfrey at least as much as the next free-thinking American -- and probably a whole lot more -- but that thing above looks so little like her that it's not even funny. It's just gross. You probably guessed correctly with respect to Marilyn Manson, since the makeup is kind of a giveaway. And I don't know about you, but I would have been completely stumped with respect to the bottom two. Give up? Melanie Brown and Madonna. What the shit? They try to parody two fairly attractive women and come up with this?! Mel B was actually on an episode of the show, and she clearly looked nothing like that... that... ugh. Yes, some of the celebrity mutants are readily identifiable because of certain details -- like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone wearing gear from their most popular films and Simon Cowell sporting... yeah -- but why depict them so freakishly? For the sole purpose of making the viewers puke on their living room floors?!?

Actually, I can think of two possible explanations. Sometimes, when people have no talent in a given area -- or don't care to exert it for whatever reason -- but still want to produce a work in that area, they'll intentionally create something of lesser quality in the hope that the shortcoming will become part of its charm. For example, while I could have spent a great deal of time trying to produce fantastic drawings for my old Dusty Plastic HELL: Hot Flash comics about working at the bookstore, I decided to break out my Sharpie and go with a highly simplified look instead. Similarly, one can find a number of kickass webcomics that feature stick figures or static drawings. This could be what "Bo!" was going for -- lacking actors who could look enough like these celebrities for the general purposes of a sketch, they decided to go with ghastly, exaggerated masks that couldn't possibly be mistaken for legitimate attempts to reproduce the appearances of the stars.

That said, this method only works when the product has some redeeming quality. The linked comics (and hopefully my own) may not be the most visually impressive ones on the 'net, but they're good for producing chuckles and whatever else they intend to elicit. In fact, they probably wouldn't be any more effective in this respect -- and might even be less effective -- if the art were more accomplished. But then, that's because the value of these comics isn't dependent upon the strength of art and isn't diminished by it. The masks on "Bo!," however, do detract from the humor of the impressions since they're just fucking nasty. And what's more? The impressions are just as awful as those bloated, misshapen, barely humanoid visages.

Umm yeah, because Katie Holmes is really *that* gross.

Which brings us to explanation number two. Remember how, when you were in second grade and wanted to make fun of someone, you'd draw an awful picture of that person -- regardless of how said person actually looked in real life? Like, even if your teacher were the lovely Phoenix from "American Gladiators", you'd still draw Ms. Widerstrom looking like a fat cow with a loathsome smile and exceedingly unsexy hair. I really think this is more along the lines of what was going on in the heads of the people behind "Bo!" Take the image above, which comes from a skit depicting the seduction of Tom Cruise by Katie Holmes. That gross thing with the sagging tits, unsightly bikini line, pockmarked ass and face, and fucking flies buzzing around her head is supposed to be Katie Holmes! And again I say, what the shit? Sure, Katie's not the most gorgeous woman in the world -- especially compared to Tom's luscious exes (I <3 <3 <3 Penelope Cruz) -- but Batman's first love is no slouch in the looks department. Back in the day, you would not have lost any face whatsoever for preferring Joey Potter to Jen Lindley. So why would "Bo!" choose to render her -- and all of the other stars that it attempts to spoof -- in such repulsive fashion? It's fucking juvenile, that's why.

From this!

But lest anyone accuse me of being unfair, I will admit that, amidst the long stretches of material determined to make me kneel before the porcelain gods, there were a couple of chuckles to be found. Unfortunately, it's impossible to talk about these without highlighting further shortcomings of the show. There was a segment called "Pimp My Bride," for instance, that combined the themes of reality shows like "Extreme Makeover" and "Pimp My Ride". In addition to the humor provided by the general theme, several parts of it were particularly chuckleworthy -- like the consultation with a pimp that preceded the actual makeover and the transformation graphics interspersed throughout the sketch. And the results, which saw the woman on the left transformed into the completely different woman on the right, were fairly amusing as well.

So what was the problem? The sketch was all but ruined by its host: Michael Jackson. This was problematic not only because of the gut-churning mask (not that the real MJ isn't himself pretty frightening) and the awful impression, but also because it doesn't make any fucking sense. Now, if the segment had been called "Pimp My Child Bride," MJ would have been an excellent candidate to host that one. Anything having to do with monkeys or even rats would also have been ideal. But seriously, Jacko hasn't been known for pimping anything out in a remotely pleasant way since the 80s. Neither has Jacko ever been known for adhering to a typical black American stereotype -- yet here they have him throwing around words like "bitch" and "motherfucker" as if he has any semblance whatsoever of street cred. Hello? He's Michael fucking Jackson. He may try to come off as a badass in songs like "Bad," but when he's not on stage he's a tree-climbing, child-molesting freaky freak with the voice of a timid rabbit. And then they end each MJ segment with him downing a glass of green peas. No fucking idea what that's about, but it also makes me kinda nauseous.

He's right behind you now, Shannen......waiting, watching oh so close

Still, the segments with actual celebrities -- and not those repellent masked creatures -- were more or less amusing. See, in addition to the awful celebrity sketches, the show had a framing sketch about a pair of Borat-esque married siblings who run a Hollywood hotel. Actually, one of the funniest moments in the show stemmed from this incestuous union, since the pair envision themselves having a deformed child together: Sloth from Goonies. In any case, given the hotel's Hollywood location, they and the other recurring characters staying at the hotel often had sitdown chats and interviews with real celebrities, which were sort of amusing because they gave the appearance of being unscripted and often contained strange and pointless questions. Imagine any talk show host asking a guest if he brushes his teeth every morning or shakes after he urinates and you'll get the idea. The questions themselves could be funny simply because they were so outlandish, and the guest's confused, off-the-cuff responses could also be entertaining. When the couple/siblings asked Dean Cain ridiculous questions and demanded that he jump off the couch and "rescue" the wife/sister in a brief, improvised Superman skit, I couldn't help but be a little amused. There were also a series of sketches in which the husband/brother stalked Shannen Doherty -- insisting that he had been having an affair with her and giving her, among other things, a painting of himself having sex with her -- that I somewhat enjoyed. Hell, Shannen Doherty is the only reason I bothered to watch this show in the first place.

Of course, given the exceedingly juvenile and disgusting nature of the show, even some of these segments go way too far. One of the characters is a horny bear person that frequently finds himself interviewing former Playboy models. Tiny bear people are always kind of funny, and the chats are often at least a little entertaining for the reasons mentioned above -- the bear is saying totally outlandish things that the interviewee doesn't expect, so it's fun to see their responses. This is particularly true given that the bear is saying and doing some pretty kinky things: imagine turning on the television to see a teddy bear sucking Victoria Silvstedt's toes. (And don't worry; I had no idea who she was either. That's what the Wikipedia link is for!) But then -- then -- it gets to be a bit much for the bear... and he gets an erection. And then he jizzes in his own face. Jizzing in pants might make for an amusing and surprisingly catchy song, but seeing bears jizz in their own faces isn't half as funny without Justin Timberlake doing the angry janitor step in the background. It's just sick.


I'm going to stop here, but I could go on trashing "Bo!" for at least several thousand more words -- most of the show is just completely revolting, and even the more promising sketches fail in some significant way. The celebrity masks are vomit-inducing, the impressions are awful (and, in some cases, arguably racist), and the program is permeated by an appalling childishness that is probably not unlike what a handful of fifth graders would exude after being forced to watch 2 Girls 1 Cup for hours and hours on end. In the above image, the bear is cursing at his roommate for not replacing the toilet brush in its holder, because apparently the bear has mistaken it for his toothbrush and now has shit all around and inside his mouth. That is the kind of wholly unnecessary and uncalled for nastiness that defines, characterizes, and oozes from every crusty, unclean orifice of "Bo! in the USA." Under no circumstances should you ever, ever, ever watch this program. Ugh.

Nevertheless, if you choose not to heed my warning (or if you like Shannen Doherty as much as I do and are willing to endure these horrors for a glimpse of her radiance), you can find a bunch of clips and even full episodes on YouTube. Disclaimer: I accept no responsibility for any damages incurred due to you puking on your laptop or any other harm that befalls you or your possessions as a result of watching this show.

-- Wes --
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