And now, Scary-Crayon presents...
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY,
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY,
by: Wes

THE MAN.Last year, for Father's Day, we honored Master Splinter -- that radical rat who raised the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from their infancy and taught them everything they know about the martial arts -- a fitting choice, if I say so myself. And I do.

However, this year we're honoring a most unlikely candidate -- Lord M. Bison (or Vega in Japan) of Street Fighter II fame. Yes, Bison. The man who first wowed us all so many years ago when he first paused with his hands slightly outstretched -- almost as if praying! -- then flew forward, spinning, and proceeded to burn us with fucking blue fire. And why Bison, you ask?

It's a good question. As far as anyone knows, the man doesn't even have any children! And he's not a nice guy. He's a very nasty guy, actually. He kills people. Lots of 'em. So why?

Bison is the father of the modern fighting game boss. Sure, there were fighting games before Street Fighter II. There were bosses before Bison. There were even awe-inspiring, frightening bosses before Bison. Did we not all tremble before Mike Tyson in Punch-Out? King Koopa jumped around and spat fire. Even Shredder and his retromutagen ray gun predated the appearance of Bison on the scene.

Bison fanart!And somehow Bison changed everything. We'd had evil bosses before. Hell, we'd met Satan himself in the final stage of more than a few games. We'd seen characters on vengeance quests to avenge their loved ones, too. Again, why Bison?

Maybe I'm just grasping at straws. Maybe Bison wasn't really as badass as I thought. I mean, just because he killed Guile's friend, killed Chun Li's father, destroyed T. Hawk's homeland... and therein lies the rub. Yes, there had been evil bosses before, and Satan's kinda hard to top in this respect, but, for whatever reason, Bison started off with eight different playable characters out to kick his ass -- and over the years, that number only grew. Just when you thought he couldn't get any more evil, someone else popped up with a new grudge against the guy. Grandparents one thought had died peacefully in their sleep of old age were suddenly revealed to have been coldly murdered by Bison himself -- along with every other resident in the retirement community. What, you've never heard that story? Only because he killed all of the witnesses! And your little dog, too.

But that's not the only respect in which Bison deserves to be called a father. I mean, he killed Chun Li's father. He killed Cammy's father. If Charlie had kids, he killed their father. Hell, he killed his own father. If he hasn't killed your father, it's just because he hasn't gotten around to it yet. Bison is a daddy killing dude. He's left a paternal void in the world -- and who's going to fill it?

''I am your father!''

Oh, now I see. You mean he's really killing all of these fathers so he can assume their role and be an even better father to us all? How noble! How praiseworthy! It's kinda like God, who invented death just so that we'd have to meet Him one day before He casts our asses into the firey depths of Hell for all eternity. Rejoice! Bison comes for us! And when he does, we'll have plenty of unblemished land across which to roam -- for it's a little known fact that Bison's blood money is largely spent on rain forest conservation efforts. Seriously.

''Who's your daddy?''

M. Bison. End boss. Drug lord. Murderer. Environmentalist... Father to us all.

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