And now, Scary-Crayon presents...
is gross
by: Wes

Spider-Man, Spider-Man -- friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. Always a favorite character among comic book superheroes, the wall-crawler's gained more widespread popularity in recent years with the success of the live-action films starring Tobey Maguire in the titular role. However, there are differences between the classic comic Spidey and his silver screen counterpart. Some of these -- like the raised webbing and apparent textures of his costume -- are merely aesthetic. Others are more disgusting.

Go, Spidey, go!In the comics, you see, Spider-Man's webbing wasn't originally one of the superpowers that accompanied his radioactive spider bite. The super-strength and sticking to walls were all him, but the webbing was a product of his mad chemistry skillz and engineering ingenuity. Actually, in my opinion, part of what made Spidey cool was the fact that, like Batman and his various bat-toys, one of his signature "moves" wasn't something that he had acquired by chance or fate, but that he had created with his own hands and technical know-how. And unlike billionaire Bruce Wayne, Peter Parker had to manufacture his toys on the budget of a poor college student with a part-time job.

But in the movies, the webbing just shoots out of Spidey's wrists -- it comes from inside him. Like spit. Now, this in itself would be kinda nasty. Using one's spit to capture one's enemies and save innocents -- to say nothing of using it as a mode of transportation -- is not only uncouth, but I doubt that even people saved by Spidey would take kindly to having been spat upon. Spidey's webbing, however, is quite a bit thicker than spit. And it's sticky -- and milk-white in color. Do you see where I'm going with this? You've got it, kids: When Spider-Man uses his webbing in the films, he's essentially jizzing from the wrist.

All the signs are there. Besides the more obvious ones mentioned above, consider that many people have compared -- and perhaps this was the filmmakers' intent as well -- Spider-Man's acquisition of his superpowers in the films to the onset of puberty. And what is puberty, precisely? According to, the stage of adolescence in which an individual becomes physiologically capable of sexual reproduction -- which, in boys, is necessarily attended by the production of semen. Moreover, consider that in the second film, when Peter Parker is plagued with uncertainty regarding his ability to perform as Spider-Man and at the same time fulfill his obligations to the people he loves, he is unable to fire his webbing. Of course, this is comparable to the anxiety can keep a sexual agent from being able to achieve release in bed -- and note that when Spidey regains his focus and confidence in his heroic abilities, his webbing spews forth with ease. Need I go on? The dude is swinging from the heights of towering buildings, for crying out loud -- and everyone knows that the skyscrapers of New York City are phallic symbols.

In truth, he is essentially ejaculating on his mother.

And now, with this newfound knowledge, I want you to go watch the Spider-Man movies again, paying particular attention to how this new information changes the significance of his actions. When Spidey stops robberies, for example, his contempt for crime will be even more apparent, as in the process of foiling their illegal plans he makes criminals his bukkake bitches. When he saves Aunt May with his webbing, he's ejaculating on the woman who raised him. Oedipus complex, anyone? And when he saves those folks Otto tosses from the train, they're being caught in big loving nets of spider-baby batter. Three cheers for Spider-Man! Personally, if you gave me the choice between plummeting several stories to my untimely death or being jizzed on by a masked freak who leaps around the city spewing semen everywhere he goes, I'd tell you to dispatch the cleaning crews immediately and tell them to bring strong stomachs and a firehose. But if a woman wearing a short skirt and no panties is saved in said manner, could she potentially become pregnant? Spider-sperm are probably pervasive and hardy fellows. And if Spider-Man saves a nun, has she broken her vow of chastity? And when Peter and Mary Jane finally sleep together, what's going to happen? If the semen from Spidey's weiner is as thick and sticky as what he's spewing from his wrists, I imagine MJ's going to have some pretty serious gynecological problems.

Given the reality of Spider-Man's modus operandi, then, what are the people who idolize him truly supporting? When that kid looks up to Spider-Man; when that street performer strums her guitar; when Aunt May gives that speech about a hero being in all of us -- are they ''This is the worst day of my life.''not putting a pervert on a pedestal? And could J. Jonah Jameson be the only one who actually understands the moral danger that Spider-Man poses to the Big Apple? Look out, kids: Spider-Man's on the loose and he's jizzing on people! Forget about terrorism; forget about crime; forget about filth and rudeness and noise -- there's an acrobat in a costume ejaculating all over New York City and being loved for it! What ever will we do?

In any case, don't call Venom, 'cause when that dude hits the scene you'll have alien jizz all over the place -- and who knows what kinds of STDs those fuckers carry? Anything that drools constantly and wants to eat brains is probably packing some seriously deadly shit.

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