March 15, 2007
A Crayon Haiku #61!

Aaaand here’s another quickie — A Crayon Haiku #61! I probably should have done something related to THE IDES OF MARCH (hope nothing unfortunate befell you, btw), but I caught the tail end of this show on TLC last night and just had to post this. I mean, I know this is obviously a serious psychological problem for these people, but I find it hard to feel sorry for people who get so fucking fat that they are unable to walk or even get out of their beds and still continue to shovel in excess of 9,000 calories into their mouths on a daily basis. When this one 600-pound cow — whose daily diet includes something like four large meals and multiple snacks that include an entire one-pound bag of M&Ms — saw what she eats in a day laid out on a table and commented that seeing it all like this really makes her think twice, I got angry. As if barely being able to walk because one’s knees are unable to support your fatness isn’t enough to get one to think twice! Shit, I’d be thinking twice about my eating habits if my weight got to 150 pounds, let alone four times that amount. These people should simply be exterminated.

And then, JUST AS I MADE THAT VERY REMARK, they cut to this other fatass who had the nerve to be sitting there with a bowl of food on his naked chest — apparently he’d gotten too fat and sloppy to even wear clothes, so they just draped a bedsheet over his lower half — and I noticed something. At first I thought that perhaps I was developing my own serious psychological problem, because there was no way that this dude could’ve had a Dalek sitting behind his fat ass. I rewinded and watched the segment again to make sure. Then I paused and took a screencap. There was no mistaking it. A DALEK. And it’s from the new Doctor Who series, so it’s not as if he acquired it as a younger lad when he was thin enough to actually walk to the store. It’s possible that he was thin enough to purchase it in 2005/6, since apparently these people eat so much that they can legitimately gain 50+ pounds in a single month, but I’m guessing that he was immobile when that Dalek came into his possession. Somehow, a bastard so fat that he cannot even leave his bed acquired a Dalek. A remote-controlled Dalek, too — you can see the controller right next to it. The fucking toy is more mobile than he is. And yet he sits there, NAKED, talking about food and eating on camera. Disgusting.

Okey-doke, all for now. Seeya next time, when (hopefully) I will have an actual article for you! If not, maybe another Hot Flash. Actually, seeing as how there are tons of Hot Flashes and hardly any “legitimate” Dusty Plastic HELL episodes, I’m thinking of just merging them — which is to say maybe discontinuing the “Hot Flash” line after #100 and just calling them all Dusty Plastic HELL. Heck, I could even start up a new edition called Dusty Plastic HELL v2 or something. I’d probably come up with special names for the special, lengthier comics that actually tell a story (a la the Halloween and New Year’s editions), but yeah. So my question is this: would you a) welcome this change, b) actively oppose this change, or c) not care either way because the content would still be pretty much exactly the same? Lemme know, with reasons if applicable.

And do feel free to continue to share feedback concerning the revised layout! The IE6 display problem should be fixed now, so hopefully everything is working well with that. Ja! 🙂

EDIT: Apparently, according to some folks I know, wider shots revealed that fatty actually had MULTIPLE Daleks in his room. In fact, if you look really closely at the blue and red controller thing next to the Dalek’s gold remote, you can see a miniature Dalek in front of it! Fatty sure likes Daleks, but he should have them confiscated for being such a fucking pig. He doesn’t deserve them. 🙁

-posted by Wes | 7:27 pm | Comments (13)
  • agustinaldo says:

    Hey, now that you offended me and pissed me off like that, I can work on my insults.

    Let’s see how many I can come up with:

    I hate you.

    I despise you.

    I abbhor you.

    You are a cock-sucking goat-raping motherfucker.

    The happiest day in the history of the world will be the day you die.

    If I had a dollar for every brain cell you don’t have, I’d be amillionaire.

    You are a disgrace to black people everywhere.

    You are an ass-raping shit-eating retard.

    You are an idiot.

    You are a moron.

    My hatred for you burns so much, I can taste it in my balls.

    I hope you get your dick cut off by a lawnmower so you don’t have the misfortune of reproducing.

    Osama Bin Laden is more likable than you.

    Carrot Top is smarter than you.

    I should punch your mamma in the cunt so that she never bears offspring again.

    You disgrace Daleks everywhere by associating with them.

    You have the same intelectual capacity of a roadkill possum.

    I could call you a dickhead, but that would be disrepecting dickheads everywhere.

    You are an asshole.

    Go fuck yourself.

    That’s all I can think of.

  • Wes says:

    You know, some of these “insults” are arguably pretty damned complimentary and/or flattering. For instance: The happiest day in the history of the world will be the day you die. If we assume that Christianity is true, you are saying that my death will represent more cause for rejoicing than the death of Jesus — the death by which humanity and the world were supposedly redeemed! And to say that Osama bin Laden is more likable than I am? Dude! I must be totally hardcore. :mrgreen:

    Most of the other ones are pretty lame because they are meaningless and/or patently untrue. Testicles don’t have tastebuds, and I only suck cocks and rape asses in your wildest fantasies. OUCH! Just kidding, but seriously. If these are the best “insults” that you can “think” up, you may want to go back to dozens school and retake a few (or all) of the core courses.

    While you’re “thinking” of new “insults”, by the way, you might want to give an explanation for your apparent outrage — insofar as you feel that it is justified, anyway. Until you can do that, I’ll continue to feel perfectly fine about criticizing people who eat more in a day than I do in a single week and have so little self-respect that they will appear on camera, bloated and grotesque, and continue to eat and eat and eat and eat.

    Yes, it is a psychological problem, and I sympathize to a point. But when people cross the threshold into immobility and are unable — or, as in the case of these people, unwilling — to put the fucking fork down, they cross that line. Not that my sympathy is absolutely necessary or at all beneficial to have, mind you, but still. After the 500-pound threshold, all excuses go out the window.

    By the way, did you even realize that some of these insults cancel each other out? You call me an ass-raper, but you also say that you hope my dick gets cut off by a lawnmower. Yet if that happened, I would no longer be an ass-raper, so the previous insult would become null and void. There’s way too much repetition among them as well.

    I suppose I should thank you for the comment, though, as I am strongly considering writing an article in which I highlight the manifold flaws of these insults. Could be fun! 🙂

  • agustinaldo says:

    So, someone insults you and you feel FLATTERED?


    1-You are stupider than I thought (I bet you have trouble getting dressed in the morning)

    2-It’s another of your “crazy banter” talk.

    If it’s number 2, you don’t fool me.I read Deadpool comics, I know a poser when I see one.

    By the way, dickhead, I’m insulting you because YOU insulted meand every other weight-challenged (ie. fat) people in the world with your crass and just plain RUDE comments.

    And I masy not be able to best you verbally, but I’m sure that I can beat the crap ouuta you. You are a pathethic weakling who never exercises and poisons his body with rotten food anddog meat.

    So, you wanna be a goth, huh? You wanna die? Cause I can make you die if you want to. Or are you like Lindsay Lohan, a wannabe goth who just gets off on the idea of dying?

    How “fun” does the idea of me kicking your ass sound, you wennie goth loser?

  • Elle says:

    I didn’t know Lindsay Lohan was a goth…that guy must know something I don’t know. And if he does, he should alert Perez Hilton, because that would make an interesting post. Oh, and I think when he said “weight-challenged” he meant fat, bloated, nauseatingly obese, gluttonous, repulsive and vile people who need to learn that M&Ms do not have the same nutritional value as an apple. Almost makes me want to be bulimic or something?I think when they show people like that on TV they want to scare people into having eating disorders.

  • Ben says:

    You’re right about Oprah. She is dangerous. But the leader of our country is a moron and look what that got us into. That’s fucked up about the fat people. It would be easy just to cut them off. So why doesn’t someone?

  • agustinaldo says:

    I’m gonna fuck your mumma, Elle, and then rip out her ovaries so she can never bear children again.

  • Wes says:

    agustinaldo: I was suggesting was that your “insults” are so pitiful and ill-conceived that several of them are actually more flattering than offensive. I would apologize for not making that clear enough, but seeing as how I pretty much explicitly said just that, I’ll have to settle for reminding you of the old adage about the kettle and the pot.

    As far as my so-called insulting of “weight-challenged” individuals goes — as Elle pointed out and, again, as I explicitly noted in my last comment — we’re not talking about people who are simply overweight, but rather people who weigh 500+ pounds and consume more than enough food to feed a family of four on a daily basis. I wasn’t exaggerating in a vicious assault against overweight people of all shapes and sizes — the TLC show really was about people who eat in excess of 9000 calories a day and are literally crippled by their weight. If that’s you, stop reading this site right now and get in touch with someone who can help. Seriously.

    And as far as the threats go, what? Aren’t you in freaking Argentina?? Now, it’s entirely possible that that has all been a front and that you are actually located RIGHT NEXT DOOR — in which case I would be slightly uncomfortable but even then not really afraid — but otherwise you’re just being ridiculous. You keep questioning my intelligence, but if you’re willing to pay to travel to another continent to assault someone for writing an offensive haiku and blog entry on the Internet, you really need to take a good long look at the man in the mirror. That’s nuts, dude. This talk of ripping out ovaries is also pretty psychotic! It sounds like being overweight is the least of your problems. 🙁

    Elle: I didn’t know that Lindsay Lohan was goth either… and unfortunately Wikipedia doesn’t have any information about her new image. Which is too bad, because she almost went up a few points in my book!

    Ben: I dunno why no one cuts them off! I wasn’t being serious about having the morbidly obese exterminated, but it does seem ridiculous to keep supplying them with money when all they do is lay in bed and eat and eat and eat and maybe buy a few Daleks. Insofar as the state actually cares about these individuals and is willing to throw money in their direction, it should probably be paying to have their walls knocked down so that they can be relocated to the appropriate facilities for liposuction procedures.

  • Sixshot says:

    Let’s see… Parent try to sue McD for makin’ the child fat. Case gets thrown out. Gov’t is considering mandating certain ground rules to keep people eating healthy due to research findings that more and more children are becoming overweight.

    Parents question contents shown on TV. Gov’t and FCC then introduces a rating system in an attempt to inform the parents what kind of content their kids are watching.

    People went ballistics over “wardrobe malfunction” at Super Bowl. Since then, the NFL has yet to consider another female artist to perform during Super Bowl Halftime. FCC goes crazy and knocks the network upside the head for not being careful. Other networks introduces lengthy delay in an effort to prevent future “mishaps” when broadcasting live events. (It’s not Live anymore… it’s pre-recorded… by 5 seconds.)

    The gov’t believes so blindly that today’s violent video games are negatively affecting children’s behavior that they are willing to sit down and talk about it. Yet nobody has ever considered the fact that the problem is not with the video game’s content but the effectiveness of parenting.

    Right now, the gov’t is so hellbent on fixing other people’s (stupid) problems that eventually we’re left not with a country of freedom but a communist country. I can’t even drag a decently sized water bottle onto the plane! What.. the… FUCK?!

    This epidemic of the nation’s health problem and issues is major and needs to be done. Sure, it’s up to the people to help themselves out of a shithole that they dug themselves into. But when you start getting the gov’t involved in mandating what kind of food an elementary schooler should eat, you’re throwing out more and more rights and freedom out the window. Worst of all is the fact that many kids these days are worse off than before due to horrible parents that we see these days. Just what the fuck do these folks do anyway? Do they not take the time and effort to look after their own child? Nowadays, the answers will more than likely lead to a sounding “no.”

    In all honesty, I care little about the people who shove junk food into their mouths every day. I blame only the idiots who do just that. There are plenty of alternative source of food that not only is healthier but will be more fulfilling in the end than mere M&Ms. As for the inquiring minds… friends think that I’m so thin and light that a 10mph wind gust will blow me away. And I don’t even have an eating disorder. 😛

  • Elle says:

    Hey Augustin-

    Allow me to drop to your level for a second:

    Nanny nanny boo boo,
    Stick your head in doo-doo.

    Don’t be so upset, that Trimspa will work one day. ;o)


  • random_guy says:

    Hey agustinaldo, when was the last time you saw your dick?

    Have you got bigger boobs than your mother?

    Is your idea of exercise lifting quarter pounders to your face?

    When you turn around does the earth start revolving in a different direction?

    Is your gut in a different timezone to your butt?

    When you walk into your local eatery, does the manager start punching the air with glee?

    When you go to the movies, how many seats do you have to pay for?

    Is your butt so big, it has a butt?

    Is there a solar eclipse every time you lie on your back?

    Seriously, though, does insulting and trying to intimidate people make you feel like a big man (pun intended)? If you are so self-conscious about your weight that an article critical of people who’ve eaten so much they can’t even get out of bed offends you, maybe you should take some of that pent up anger and apply it towards burning off some calories with some exercise.

  • An Eskimo says:

    Oh dear…I don’t even want to get involved with these blog comments. Wait,by posting a comment,I just have. OH SHI–

  • Spoodles says:

    Wow. I’m inclined to side with Wes on this one, and not just because he’s our glorious host.

    There are a minimal number of people who are fat for glandular/metabolic reasons. Very minimal. I’m pretty skinny now, but I used to weigh 300 pounds, and I used to tell others/myself that it was all glandular or that I couldn’t help it. Bullshit. In 99% of obesity, it’s a matter of laziness and poor lifestyle choices. I would recommend, Augustinaldo, that if you are offended by people making fun of the obese, that you stop crafting such well written insults, step away from the computer, and maybe go for a walk.

  • the Jax says:

    OK, commenting a little late…I missed out on all this psycho death threat stuff until today. I agree with Wes. I’m not perfect, but my boyfriend is f***ing huge. He’s not confined to a bed, but all the extra weight is taking its toll on his body. He has a physical condition that contributed to him gaining so much weight, and he’s had some gnarly phases of life where he was very depressed, but he’s still expanding today because of “food addiction” and conscious choices of poor diet/large portions.
    I’ve known alcoholics and drug addicts, and people who are unable to control spending money, and I can’t feel much sympathy for them. I’m sick of people’s lack of accountability in this country–whether it’s addiction, or incompetence, or support of the fascists in power. If the one true love of my life gets so overweight that he is unable to move under his own power, I will have to break up with him. Right now he is struggling and committed to a weight-loss program, but if he fails AGAIN…it would break my heart, but I would be a fool to stay with an addict. It would be like spending my life with an alcoholic, speed freak, or compulsive gambler.
    I understand how hard it is to break out of self-destructive behavior, but you make a conscious decision every time to continue it. A weak-willed decision justified by the excuse “I’m addicted! It’s out of my control!” If this is you, Agustinaldo, that does suck, but lashing out at people who actually have self-control where you do not just makes you look pathetic. Most people would block your IP by now. If you could calmly face what’s bothering you (remember we don’t know what you look like) you may find friends will support you in changing your life for the better.

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