Aaaand here’s another quickie — A Crayon Haiku #61! I probably should have done something related to THE IDES OF MARCH (hope nothing unfortunate befell you, btw), but I caught the tail end of this show on TLC last night and just had to post this. I mean, I know this is obviously a serious psychological problem for these people, but I find it hard to feel sorry for people who get so fucking fat that they are unable to walk or even get out of their beds and still continue to shovel in excess of 9,000 calories into their mouths on a daily basis. When this one 600-pound cow — whose daily diet includes something like four large meals and multiple snacks that include an entire one-pound bag of M&Ms — saw what she eats in a day laid out on a table and commented that seeing it all like this really makes her think twice, I got angry. As if barely being able to walk because one’s knees are unable to support your fatness isn’t enough to get one to think twice! Shit, I’d be thinking twice about my eating habits if my weight got to 150 pounds, let alone four times that amount. These people should simply be exterminated.
And then, JUST AS I MADE THAT VERY REMARK, they cut to this other fatass who had the nerve to be sitting there with a bowl of food on his naked chest — apparently he’d gotten too fat and sloppy to even wear clothes, so they just draped a bedsheet over his lower half — and I noticed something. At first I thought that perhaps I was developing my own serious psychological problem, because there was no way that this dude could’ve had a Dalek sitting behind his fat ass. I rewinded and watched the segment again to make sure. Then I paused and took a screencap. There was no mistaking it. A DALEK. And it’s from the new Doctor Who series, so it’s not as if he acquired it as a younger lad when he was thin enough to actually walk to the store. It’s possible that he was thin enough to purchase it in 2005/6, since apparently these people eat so much that they can legitimately gain 50+ pounds in a single month, but I’m guessing that he was immobile when that Dalek came into his possession. Somehow, a bastard so fat that he cannot even leave his bed acquired a Dalek. A remote-controlled Dalek, too — you can see the controller right next to it. The fucking toy is more mobile than he is. And yet he sits there, NAKED, talking about food and eating on camera. Disgusting.
Okey-doke, all for now. Seeya next time, when (hopefully) I will have an actual article for you! If not, maybe another Hot Flash. Actually, seeing as how there are tons of Hot Flashes and hardly any “legitimate” Dusty Plastic HELL episodes, I’m thinking of just merging them — which is to say maybe discontinuing the “Hot Flash” line after #100 and just calling them all Dusty Plastic HELL. Heck, I could even start up a new edition called Dusty Plastic HELL v2 or something. I’d probably come up with special names for the special, lengthier comics that actually tell a story (a la the Halloween and New Year’s editions), but yeah. So my question is this: would you a) welcome this change, b) actively oppose this change, or c) not care either way because the content would still be pretty much exactly the same? Lemme know, with reasons if applicable.
And do feel free to continue to share feedback concerning the revised layout! The IE6 display problem should be fixed now, so hopefully everything is working well with that. Ja! 🙂
EDIT: Apparently, according to some folks I know, wider shots revealed that fatty actually had MULTIPLE Daleks in his room. In fact, if you look really closely at the blue and red controller thing next to the Dalek’s gold remote, you can see a miniature Dalek in front of it! Fatty sure likes Daleks, but he should have them confiscated for being such a fucking pig. He doesn’t deserve them. 🙁
Hey, now that you offended me and pissed me off like that, I can work on my insults.
Let’s see how many I can come up with:
I hate you.
I despise you.
I abbhor you.
You are a cock-sucking goat-raping motherfucker.
The happiest day in the history of the world will be the day you die.
If I had a dollar for every brain cell you don’t have, I’d be amillionaire.
You are a disgrace to black people everywhere.
You are an ass-raping shit-eating retard.
You are an idiot.
You are a moron.
My hatred for you burns so much, I can taste it in my balls.
I hope you get your dick cut off by a lawnmower so you don’t have the misfortune of reproducing.
Osama Bin Laden is more likable than you.
Carrot Top is smarter than you.
I should punch your mamma in the cunt so that she never bears offspring again.
You disgrace Daleks everywhere by associating with them.
You have the same intelectual capacity of a roadkill possum.
I could call you a dickhead, but that would be disrepecting dickheads everywhere.
You are an asshole.
Go fuck yourself.
That’s all I can think of.